Why sometimes my best attempts at frugality fail

I (as usual) was broke. It was the day after payday. I had figured out my budget, I had enough money to pay all the bills, pay for gas, buy pet food/litter and have $75 left over for groceries and miscellaneous. It was going to be tight, but very doable.

But...it was 80 degrees out and all I had were jeans. Jeans that I did not want to cut up. I had no shorts. And oh, how I wanted some on this beautiful "outside in the yard" "sky is blue" day.....so what did I do? I did what any smart broke person would do....I went to the thrift store! Our thrift store in town is great. Long sleeve shirts are a dollar, t-shirts are seventy five cents. Jeans are a dollar, so are slacks. Most shoes are a dollar, too. Coats and jackets are a whopping two dollars. And, shorts are usually seventy five cents. How could I mess this up, right? I'm doing the smartest thing a girl who wants to go shopping could do.

So I walked in, and, in order to savor my experience, I didn't go right to the shorts, I went to the "kitchen gadgets", which are usually a quarter. (Pizza cutters, can openers, measuring cups, they're all kitchen gadgets and I like to see what's there but I don't usually buy.)

But something happened on the way to the kitchen gadgets. What was that, over by the plates? It looks kind of...kind of....green....no...pink...Oh. Wow. It's Depression Glass.

Not just a couple of chipped plates though. Two whole sets. A green set and a pink set. Plates, cups, pitchers, measuring cups, creamers, sugars, cake plates, candy dishes, things I can't even identify, all shiny in just out of the package condition, except they're 80 years old. And I've collected Depression Glass since I was 20. Usually I just buy the odd plate or cup here or there when I can, because stuff like this is usually only on Ebay or in antique stores and I can't afford the prices. But the prices on these pieces...???? Unbelievable, of course, just like the rest of the store....the candy dish? $2.50. the creamer and sugar set, along with the little doohickey that holds/carries them, $7.50 for the set!....the amazing pink measuring cup...$8.00....

I knew I'd never see those prices again, ever, anywhere. I'd never seen them in my whole life. It's not like a good sale at WalMart, where even if it's a really good price, you know it'll probably go on sale again someday....in this situation, the stuff would be gone and that would be it......I was in such a quandary...

Now, I have struggled so much to be financially responsible these last few years. Mostly I have made good choices when it comes to me, but less when it comes to DH. I'd very much like to tell you that I recognized clearly that this situation involved a "want" (or several) and not a "need" and I got my seventy five cent shorts and left....but sadly...I didn't. I ended up getting the shorts AND thirty five dollars worth of Depression glass (which, on Ebay was probably worth about $200, but I won't sell it). And I ended up having to eat a lot of food out of the pantry (which I probably should have done anyway) to cover the shortfall.

Now, had I gone to the store in town and bought a brand new pair of shorts for $15.99......

Social Security Disability Update

We got the call over Labor Day weekend. DH's disability claim has been approved. He's also going to be eligible for Medicare in March, which is almost more exciting than the Disability itself, because this year, we (I) had already spent over $3000.00 in out of pocket expenses just for DH alone--prescriptions, ER visits, Dr. visits, etc. The Medicare coupled with my health insurance from work, will mean he is double covered and presumably, our bills will go down significantly. I may even be able to give myself a raise, because right now I contribute the maximum amount to my Flex plan, which amounts to about 95.00 each paycheck before taxes. Now granted that I do go to the doctor once in a while, so the amount wouldn't go down to zero, but the decrease could potentially be significant. Open enrollment at work is next month, so I'll have to ask someone how that all works.
Probably the biggest thing that this means right now, though, is that I am going to quit my 2nd job. After nearly exactly 8 years of working 2 jobs, DH's disability, after taxes, will be about the same amount as I bring home from the 2nd job. Originally, I wasn't going to quit right away. That extra money would make things that much easier, of course. But every time I went to work, all I kept thinking about was how I could choose to quit, how I could find a job that I really like, if I even want a second job, it's a choice now. Even before the disability was approved, I worried a lot about my mom being so sick and what if I got "the call" when I was working and couldn't leave? (Because at a group home you can't leave the clients unattended, not for any reason). And every time I showed up for work, I felt more strongly that it was time. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, this will be my last weekend of working 2 jobs.
I'm really excited about having 2 days off every week! Maybe I'll get a different part time job once my mom passes, but right now, spending more time with her will be nice, too.

Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

Hows this for a Blessing?

I'd been really stressing.  After the "can't wait" bills got paid, I was left with $11.00 to last for 10 days.  That's for food, gas, and any other incidentals.  I was slightly panicked.

DH's pdoc raised his dose of Abilify to 15mg and lowered his Depakote dose.  DH continues to be on less Lithium than ever before, as well as the Seroquel being totally discontinued.  Sadly, though, with the $11.00, there was no way I could go to the pharmacy and pick up the new med.  That helpless feeling like I was drowning was really coming on strong.

The only difference with this recent "panic" is that I've been here before.  I've done it all before, and cut things to the bone.  I know I can do it, and I know a lot more tricks to make sure I do it well.

I'm virtually certain that DH will be unemployed soon.  They took away another one of DH's scheduled days because of his attendance.  So right now he is scheduled to work 16 hours per week.  DH didn't even remember that they (his employer(s)) have a policy of doing that (cutting hours when you miss work at a certain point level), so when he found out he was only scheduled for 2 days, he asked for more hours and wound up looking foolish....I don't think the people who work directly with him know about his mental health issues.  He is going to have the pdoc write a letter to management and see if that helps.......who knows....

.....And of those small checks of his, $25 comes out of every paycheck to pay that loan for when he pawned Jim's rifle.  DH swears that since we made that contract, he has not pawned anything at all.  But basically his pay will only cover his cigarettes and not much else.  I know I need to be grateful that he is still employed at all, because I remember how frustrated I would get when I had to come up with money for his cigarettes when we were broke anyhow.... 

I'm going to have to buckle down again.  We really never got back to where it was comfortable to go out to eat, or where we could get TV again, but it was nice to be able to buy better foods at the grocery store and not juggle the bills so much.  It's better this time, though because this time I have a little warning.  The last time DH was out of work, he had been making about $50,000 a year, he came home from work and said "I quit".  And I thought (since I didn't know about his mental health problems at the time) that he'd just up and find another job right away, so I wasn't as worried as I am now.

Now, I recognize that there's a high likelihood that he will be unemployed indefinitely again, although maybe that would improve his chances of getting his disability approved.  The hardest thing will be to try to be able to buy foods that will be diabetes-friendly.  I can do it, though, I know I can.

So here's the blessing: 

Shortly after DH got home from the PDOC, I got a phone call requesting my services as a pet-sitter for three days.  At $10 per visit, that'll be $90!!!!  Just in the nick of time!
(I had started pet-sitting when I was laid off in 2010, since I wasn't confident that I'd find a new job so quickly, and this was one of my clients from back then).

I always try to tell myself that "the money always comes from somewhere"....which, I guess, is another way of saying "the Lord will provide".....but sometimes I have a hard time believing it.  Once again, I'm proven wrong and I'm happy to admit it.

P.S.  As requested, I'm putting a "donate" link on the page in the next few days.  But I feel kind of weird about it.  I'll see what happens and how I feel about it after I've had it for a while.

"Your family has been selected...."

…to take part in our "Giving Tree" program for needy families."

That’s a weird feeling, when you get that call….I went through the gamut of emotions—my first thought was "We’re not needy, we’re just broke!" After all, even though I know I/we don’t make much money, we’re over the poverty level, and there’s food to eat and a house to live in….and all…..

Then I started wondering about who had nominated us for the program. They must know that we’re struggling, that I’m trying so hard, and that we could use a little boost. Who could it be, though? I don’t bring it up to people (except you)—I usually try hard to pretend that I’m just like everyone else (who has discretionary income and TV and doesn’t have to keep the thermostat at 58*) and if someone does comment about how frugal I am, I just tell them I’m a cheapskate. So who could know? I was touched, though, and while I thought about this, I felt like crying, because someone out there understood.

And then I started wondering if maybe I’m not hiding it as good as I thought I was, and maybe I look/act poorer than I think. That made me sad and made me feel kind of like a failure.

And then I started imagining what DD would get for Christmas without "help", and what she might get if I accept the "help" and there was no question about it. I’m accepting it, no matter what, but I still feel weird.

It’s a weird feeling, for sure.

Do you ever stop and shake your head???

I think I'm getting to that point, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of you are there already.  Could more crap just happen to me???? (slightly bitter laugh).  Of course.  I barely have time to get upset about the drama in my life any more, because the instant I adjust to something, something else happens.

Well, I managed to meet a deer on my way home from my "part time" job.  The deer, unfortunately, didn't live to tell the story (at least I'm pretty sure--she ran away but had to be hurt pretty bad) and neither did my car.  My little car is totalled.  The deer hit on the hood, slid up the hood, went partially through the windshield (shattered the glass and added big hole) and also managed to dent the roof of the car.  Due to the 180 mile round trip commute that came with my prior full time position, my wonderful little car had 275,000 miles on it.  So I'm not probably going to get enough insurance money to get another car like it....and I'm sad.  I really liked that car.

So DH and I have been sharing a car (not easy, but apparently mostly doable) until I get the insurance check and we can go car shopping.  I've been looking on line to see if I can find a car that comes close to what I had.....my car was a 2004 Toyota Corolla--and I'm getting about $4500 for it.....it's not looking good :-(

I'm ready for something good to happen.  I'm only half serious there, though....because interspersed with all this dramatic bad stuff, there have been a LOT of blessings--I'm ok, for one....just some glass slivers.....and happy that I didn't, in the name of penny-pinching, decide to drop the collision insurance on the car....and like my mom--she actually is pretty comfortable in the nursing home.  I guess it just was time....?  And DH's job--if he wasn't working, I don't know how I'd get the propane tank filled for winter....and even more small blessings.....so I know I shouldn't complain.  But jeez--most people I know only have one big thing like this happen at a time, you know?????  Not like an entire lifetime of crises in just a couple of years.....I want to be one of those "one crisis at a time" folks!

Red Flags

During all of this, with DD's crisis, and my mom's descent, I haven't said much about DH. A lot of times, I really so much want him to be "normal"--the guy he was when I met him, or who I thought he was(?) (that's a whole different post, but I'll save it for a different time).

And now that he's bringing home a paycheck, I can pretend. I can even let myself imagine that I can depend on this income--with DH working, it becomes less important for me to find higher-paying employment, and it gives me a little more security, in that when I need to take time to spend time with my mom, or deal with things involving her, and I'm not really looking too hard for a job, I don't feel as bad as I could.

But I know things are far from normal still. Basically, on work days, all he does is work and sleep. It's a whole lot better than the just sleeping (that he was doing before he got the job), but there truly is absolutely nothing else. Even on his days off, most of the time he's sleeping.

He's still "funny" about workplace situations--they had started to cross train him to fill in in another department, then they decided to have a guy who had been out having surgery do the filling in instead. Even though DH asked his boss if he had done something wrong, and had been assured that he had not, he "felt like a worthless piece of ****". And he's been talking about calling in to work. About how he doesn't want to go in. And the saddest part of all that is that it's the same sorts of things that happened at his last job, right before things really fell apart. He had started calling in on Mondays and Fridays, saying he "didn't feel good". And DH confessed to me that "That Guy" has come out to customers lately, too--he's found himself being rude to customers over little things.

But that's not all. One night, when DH was off work, and he wasn't sleeping, we decided to go to a local casino for a pizza (they have such good pizza, with real sausage!). It wound up being pretty fun, because I had a little "extra" money, so we each had $20 to gamble with. My $20 lasted well over an hour before it was gone--it was fun. But DH....he actually won $300!!! And he gave me half of it, which was really nice of him. But the red flag came the next night.

It was Friday--the day I give him his "fun money" (because his paycheck gets deposited into my bank account, and then I give him $50 a week for spending money. That's way more than I've had for spending money in years, but I don't want him to feel "ripped off") My mom had had a bad day, and I was mildly down. I was reading a book, and DH asked me what I wanted to do that night. I told him we couldn't go out every night, and that I'd just make us something to eat and maybe clean the house up a little. He suggested we go back to the casino. I said no. He did the "Aw, c'mon, last night was so much fun!". And yes, it was fun. But no, I did not think we should go back there. He asked me if I would get mad if he went back without me. I didn't want a hassle, so I said no. He asked me if I had any money, and I gave him $20 of the money he had given me the night before. Then he took the rest of his winnings, plus his "fun money" and left. On his way out, I reminded him that there was no more money when that was gone. He said "I know"...About 1am he came back and told me he should've listened to me. He told me how stupid he'd been....and--oh yeah, he lost all the money. It took every ounce of jaw power to bite my tongue, refrain from saying "I told you so"....but I just told him to "learn from it" and I didn't make a big deal out of it--I could tell he already felt bad.

The next day, he had to go to work and he didn't have any "going out to eat money". I told him too bad. He said he knew, that I had told him right there that there was no more coming.....then I felt kind of bad for him, so I gave him $5 and told him to ration it. He said he would. But he hasn't rationed anything. Not his pop, not his money, nothing. And all week he's been asking/telling me to "take some money out of the cash machine" for him. And I keep saying no. And getting madder, because I didn't cause this, and I held up my side of the agreement and then some. I keep reminding him that we have food at home. But it's not what he wants. Too bad for him, I guess. But underneath it, I'm afraid that if I keep saying no to him, when he's not at the top of his game, "That Guy" will come out and get really angry with me and I'll be hurt and scared and feel like a jerk and end up giving in.

So when I read all this, I am crystal clear on the fact that the same problems are still there....just hidden by his paycheck. I'm afraid, although I want to believe otherwise, that it's really still only a matter of time before he's unemployed again, and I'm back to working my tail off to keep heads above water. The only thing that'll be different this time is that he has a lot less access to credit now, so the damage won't be so severe. I'm working very hard to get all caught up (using the benefits of his paycheck) so that when things do hit the fan, it won't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time.

A reminder to count my blessings

I must be getting old. I've been reading John Steinbeck's "The Grapes of Wrath" without even being forced to. I found an old copy in a second hand store, and couldn't resist. I'm finding that every time I read some of that book, I realize that even on my worst days, I have so much more than the people who lived the story depicted in that book...It really puts things in perspective. I know I read parts of it in high school, and again I think in college, but I don't remember being this moved by it--maybe because at those stages in my life, I couldn't relate so easily? Not that I can now, really--we all have it so good.

And I'm grateful for the life I have, even if it seems hard sometimes.

Here we go.....

This is me, blogging on my very last day of full time work. I've shed a lot of tears....I truly had no idea that people thought so highly of me....every time I turn around, someone else is stopping by, giving me a hug....it makes me really sad that it took me leaving to make me see that....

It's very very weird. But it's been a very weird two months. I've never been laid off before, and while I keep trying to look on the positive side, sometimes the bitterness still comes through....

And then there's my interview tomorrow. I found out that if I were lucky enough to be offered the position, as far as my company is concerned, they wouldn't even count the break in service....so that's very good. I found an outfit at the thrift store today, I think it'll do, although I didn't look at it and go "Yeah, that's THE outfit!" But at least it's professional and it fits me and covers everything it's supposed to :-) In a short while I'm going to go and review possible questions that I might be asked, and write down a few "stories" that I can use to illustrate my points. Only my friend Anita (and you all) know(s) that I am going to this interview. I didn't want to jinx myself by telling anyone else. Plus, if I don't get the job, I don't want to have to explain that to anyone if I don't have to....

I'm kind of worried about my winter coat (isn't that silly?). I have a very "outdoorsy", casual winter coat--it's kind of masculine, but in a feminine kind of way, like a ladies' flannel shirt. It's definitely not professional, and I don't have a "professional" winter coat, because I've never had to dress in suits for my corporate job--it was at night, so nobody cared what the night shift wore....but now I'm faced with a dilemma. How to handle the unprofessional coat. Wear it and take it off as soon as I walk in the door and hope nobody realizes that it's unprofessional? (that's what I'm leaning towards) Or leave it in the car completely and risk looking silly because I came in 10* weather without a coat? I can't afford to go out and buy one. So I'm fretting about the coat. For Pete's sake, Carol!

Well, I'm scheduled to work at my part time job on Friday at 5pm, but I probably won't be able to update all of you about the interview until Saturday. I'm scared. But I am so glad to have all the words of wisdom from all of you....you are giving me more confidence than I would have otherwise...cross your fingers for me!

Surprise!

On Tuesday, I checked the mail before I left for work. There was a check for $375 from my Flexible Spending account, which is usually for copays and stuff. I couldn't remember anything that cost that much, right now I'm only spending about $200 a month on DH's prescriptions, so I was confused.

Last night, I looked it up online, and it looks like what happened is, they reimbursed me for the entire cost of one of his drugs, instead of the copay that I paid, which was only $75. So even though it's really my money anyhow (they take an amount out of my paycheck every pay period), it was a little windfall!

So I paid the 4-wheeler bill, and decided to treat myself to a shopping "spree". I stayed in the City last night, and so I got up early this morning and went to my favorite thrift store....here's what I got:

3 pairs of jeans ($2.49 each)
1 pair of New Balance tennies ($6.49)
1 pair of flip-flops (.99)
3 books by favorite authors of mine--Janet Evanovich and Carl Hiaasen, both very funny! $6.00 total--one hardcover and two paperbacks...
12 (yes 12) books from the "bargain bin" which were 4/.99. I was so excited because I found some really good ones in there. I like to buy my books when I can, because I often don't get around to returning library books on time, and then they end up costing more than they would have if I had just bought something at the thrift store...
2 magazines--Country Woman and Spiritual Health, .25 each

And that's it.
I felt a little guilty when I paid for it all....I mean....it was all for me....but if I would've shopped at Wal Mart, well, it would've been three or four times that much!! And I like that it wasn't coming from money that was already budgeted for something else....it was "free" money :-)

Have a great night.

I love that thrift shop. They have great stuff. Once in a while, you look at things and think, "the person who priced that must've been on something", like the mattress I looked at today....the corners were held together by duct tape, even the sides were filthy, stains all over the place, and priced at $39.99(!) (Good luck on selling that!)

But most of the time, if you look, you can find deals, for sure. Those shoes I bought would've cost $30.00 at the very least....and they were in almost-new condition....barely worn at all....

It felt good.

Guess what we did on Friday?

We took a 2 hour drive to another part of the state, to a Social Security office. Yep, we sat down with someone and the application has been filled out!!!! I couldn't believe it!!!

I know that everything I've read says that 70% of first time applications are denied, so the odds of anything are relatively slim. So I'm trying so very hard not to get my hopes up. It will probably be 4 months before we know for sure, then we would have 60 days to appeal. I alternate between getting all hopeful and telling myself to shut up.

If DH got disability, he would get $1400 a month!!! That is way more than what I take home from my part time job.....so many possibilities.....just the thought of getting that truck and 4 wheeler paid off make me giddy!!! Because then I would have some spending money again.....and not just "guilty" spending money, but money I could plan on spending on something besides bills. I could put money into savings. I could take the animals to the vet when they need it, not when I can afford it....DD could have clothes that didn't come from the thrift shop. Woo hoo!!!

Ok, Carol...70% don't get it on the first try. So shut up.

See what I mean?????

Discouraged

Some days I just get so discouraged. Today's one of those, I guess. I feel like I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try.

I look at the yard, there's all sorts of pop cans and cigarette butts that DH threw there, because he was too lazy to take two steps to the garbage can. There's a whole winter's worth of "doggie presents" from 6 doggies. The roof is beyond any redemption, and the chicken house still hasn't been repaired since last year when the tree fell on it. (The chickens still go in and out, but we can't open the door(s). And I won't even get started on the repairs the inside needs. Even if I could do all of this, I just don't have time. And DD can sometimes be convinced, but she doesn't do a very good job most of the time, as far as cleaning up the yard...and there's no way she can fix the chicken house or the roof. Or clean the gutters. Or put on a new door.

And then there's the bills. They're still coming in. Remember that "job" that DH had last year for those apartments? (link here) Well, he signed up to get liability insurance for that job, and when the job didn't pan out, he didn't pay the insurance. So today a bill collector called about that.

And I got a "second notice" for back when he was in the hospital in his mom's town (link here) $316.00. And his mom sent him home with $160.00 that he was supposed to give me to pay for the car insurance on the car that she gave him. I haven't seen a dime of it. (I won't be insuring that car, though, unless a whole bunch of dimes crop up...) And I know the cell phone bill is coming due. How I'd LOVE to drop those cell phones....but I'm afraid to, because a) I work so far from home that there are regular 2-hour gaps in the time when I am reachable by land line, and with DD, DH and my mom all prone to emergencies, that doesn't seem like a wise way to go... and b) when DH was suicidal, the cell phone (his AND mine) was a way to keep closer tabs on him. In fact his therapist had even suggested that if 20 minutes go by and I am unable to reach DH by cell phone or otherwise, that I am to call 911. So I keep trying to scrape up money to pay for the darn cell phones. But I know I really can't afford them at all, and they're always the last bill I pay, because of that.

And I'm looking at those loans for the 4-wheeler and the truck. At least two more years until those are paid off. So at least two more years, until there's some "wiggle room" in the budget, where I could buy a new jacket from WalMart instead of the thrift store, or where I could pitch in to order Chinese with the folks from work...two years seems so far away....especially if I get laid off. But even if I don't, two years of working 66 hrs a week, no time for hobbies or therapy for myself, or exercise or anything. That in itself is daunting, when I think about it.

But I put it all together with the fact that DH is STILL no closer to working than he was a year ago, DD is STILL failing three classes, and my mom STILL has Alzheimer's, it's so overwhelming....I don't have any idea how I'm going to get through all this. All I can do is pray and do my best....

And hope I feel more optimistic tomorrow.

I must be doing better....

Today was a very warm and humid day outside. (I love summer!!!!!) I didn't really notice, though, because I've been working all day, but I did notice something I wanted to share with you, because it made me kind of excited but it also made me want to stop and figure out what's wrong (LOL--I know that's bad thinking, though).

I've been dreaming again. Not like dreaming as in "I went to bed and had a dream", but I've been fantasizing about my future. I haven't done that for so long, it feels wrong!!! But I think that with DH being somewhat more stable, and DD being, well, as good as she's ever been (she's at horse camp right now, though, so maybe that contributes to the feeling), LOL, that I am feeling like there might be some "me" time in the future. I've started thinking about redecorating the house. I've started thinking about fencing the yard, so the "not-so-obedient" dogs won't have to be tied out. I've been thinking about getting more exercise (there's still a time issue with that one, though) and taking some classes.

It's a nice feeling that I think I had forgotten--it might be possible for me to have a life and work and sleep too....??? Unfortunately a lot of my ideas still involve money, but a few don't, and a few don't involve MUCH money (how much does a bucket of reject paint cost? $1 or $2?--you know, the paint that someone had gotten mixed and then rejected it--every paint store has some) Maybe there's not as much of a life as I'd like, but I am hoping I can keep this little spark of feeling going so that tomorrow when I'm home, I might be able to do something that makes me feel like I accomplished something, or better yet, maybe something that makes me feel proud of myself. (I know that I'll probably wake up and "That Guy" will be there, but maybe he won't....?)

Battling bipolar, even if you're not the one with the illness, can sure sap your hopes and dreams, can't it? I hope that I'm getting some of those back :-)

Looking forward to life without Bipolar

Today I drove to work fantasizing about how wonderful it would feel if our family got back to normal. I started thinking about how it would feel to see the balances on those credit cards go down instead of up. I started thinking about how nice it would feel to know for a fact that DH is going to have a paycheck, and that it will benefit me. And then I thought: "It's starting right now!".

I drove to work with this happy hopeful mindset, that we are starting to move past the worst of this. The Lithium has been a lifesaver, for sure. And I'm trusting DH a little more. It still upsets him that I don't trust him much, but he readily acknowledges that he did it to himself. I can tell that he is already feeling more "manly" (pardon the wording) now that he is working again. I can see that he feels like more of an equal to me again, and I can also see that his "provider" instinct is showing up a little, too. He seems to be looking forward very much to helping take some of the financial burden off of me. And I'm ready, for sure :-)

And tomorrow we are going on an "outing" as a family. We are leaving Jim at home, and DH, DD and I are going to go to my favorite thrift shop and DD is going to get some clothes for summer camp, and DH and I will browse and spend a dollar or two, too. Then the plan is, that we are going to go out for pizza, because a while back, I won a gift certificate for a pizza place, and it happens to be in the same town as the thrift shop, so it will be a genuine "outing" for the price of gas and about $20 total :-) But I think we'll all feel like it costed more, and it's kind of an optimistic "spending of money", because even that $20 is money that if DH was not yet working, I wouldn't be able to justify spending. It's a really good feeling.

Now, if "That Guy" doesn't drop in, it's got the makings for a perfect day.

How to tell if it's hypomania?

Well, it's been very strange. DH is just DIVING in to his new job. He's been getting up at 8am every day and now today he's going to fix three lawn mowers for that lady he used to work for, too. He's not really getting much done around our house at all. Every waking hour has been spent on either selecting/packing tools that he will need for his new job, or fixing lawnmowers. I don't know how to tell if he's just excited or if he's having some hypomania?

And we had a pretty big argument yesterday about the money. I was already upset about paying the $250 for the pawn shop stuff. So we went to the pawn shop and found out that it was actually going to be $385!!!! So, as you can figure, I was jumping up and down for joy (not) and I was very stressed out about it. So then we looked at just paying a month's worth of fees so that at least he wouldn't lose the stuff--that would be about $80. He said, "Well, what I was thinking was that maybe we could get the gun out for $235 and just pay $35 in fees to keep the guitar in there for another month." I told DH that "that's a half a month's pay from the one job" and he didn't say anything. All the while I was really steaming, because not only did I tell him not to do this and he did anyhow, but this is the second time he's done this and he clearly hadn't learned anything....and I keep getting stuck with the bill....And all of a sudden he went back into the "you don't love me" mode and told me to "Just forget it." And I was happy to forget it. Even though I knew that wouldn't be the end of it. And then all night he didn't want to talk to me.

Finally he told me that he's sick of being such a "burden". And "look at what he's done to my finances" and "how could I not want to divorce him"? We had a long talk, because I could tell that "That Guy" had taken the night off. I told him that I don't mind paying the bills. I don't mind giving him gas money, and I don't mind buying his medicines. I really don't mind. What I mind is when I give him $20 for gas/cigs or whatever, and fifteen minutes later he asks me for more. What I mind is when I know we have peanut butter, jelly, and bread, and he asks for money so that he can go buy bologna and cheese. Or that we've got tons of Kool-Aid and lots of glasses for water, and he still needs money to buy pop. That's what I mind, when he can't just make do, like the rest of us have to. And I told him that. And even though he didn't answer, I think he understood. He started to try to "explain" why he did certain things and apparently the logic (or lack thereof) started to become apparent to him, and he kind of shut up.

Now, today, I got paid, so I went and paid the light bill and the payment for his truck, which was late. I was going to pay the monthly fee(s) for the pawn shop so that he wouldn't have to tell his brother that he sold his gun. But DH said this: "How about you give me $200 today, and when I get my first check, I will pay you back $250 so that will cover the credit card and the fees and the interest?" And since I know that until he gets paid, he'd be nickel and diming and dollaring me to death anyhow, I agreed. I gave him the $200. And something I said must have at least made a temporary dent, because he has called me once while he was at a fast food place. He was waiting in the car, because Jim wanted fast food and DH didn't want to spend his money. (way to go!!!) Then he just called me again--he decided to go to the grocery store and buy bologna, cheese and chips so he can bring a lunch to work, and he says "I HAD NO IDEA THINGS WERE THAT EXPENSIVE!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THE BOLOGNA WAS?" And then he proudly told me that he had only spent $14 there and he sounded proud of himself. I know it won't last, but I'm going to revel in that for today....maybe now that he's gradually moving back into the real world, his money will become more dear than it has been....

Guess what was wrong with the wood splitter?

Remember last night when DH was so upset because he worked on the wood splitter, worked on it some more, and he was almost suicidal because he couldn't get it to start?

Well, he brought the entire wood splitter in to the guy in town today who does the small engine stuff, thinking it was something very tough to figure out and probably expensive too. The first thing the guy said to DH was, "Why do you have the throttle set so low?" DH said, "I turned it all the way up and it still didn't work." Small engine guy says "Well, it looks like you turned it the wrong way." They then turned the throttle the right way and the wood splitter roared to life.

So much stress was put towards this 5-second fix, it might be funny in a year or two, but right now all I can do is sigh.

Sometimes I feel so alone

You know, sometimes, even though I share with all of you all the ups and downs of being married to this bipolar person, I just feel like nobody truly understands at all. Today someone criticized me for working two jobs. Someone else told me that I should just leave DH and start over. Sometimes I'm tempted to do that, for sure, but as long as I know he truly loves me, and even when times are bad, I have no doubt of that, I don't think I could ever break his heart. And the money thing.

I really feel like some people that I interact with (not my friends here, but others in my life) have no idea what it is really like and every time I try to explain, I either feel like I'm making a bunch of excuses for making poor choices, or I feel guilty.

I got married, with the exact same hopes that every woman has. I married a man who had worked at the same full time job for three years. One who was kind to me and whom I trusted. We bought a house in the country, adopted a child, DH had an excellent job in law enforcement, and I had a pretty good job, too. We had enough money for "extras". DD could take karate lessons. We could go on vacation. We had no debt, not even a car payment. I was a lot less frugal in those times, and I've learned a lot since then. DH fixed up the house, made tons of repairs on things. When I'd come home from work, there'd often be something new--new flooring, new paint, new tile--he loved to surprise me and work hard, too.

And I didn't just wake up one day and "bam!" my husband was mentally ill. There were days where he wouldn't get out of bed. But I figured, heck, I have lazy days too....but when the lazy days got to be 4 or 5 in a row, I started to get worried. And I noticed little things, that you just notice but in a good relationship, you tend to accept. I noticed that suddenly, instead of having an unflappable work ethic, he was calling in sick when he wasn't. And if one of his coworkers said something to him that made him feel bad, he'd call in sick the next day. I noticed it, because in the years when we were dating, and the first years when we got married, he would have had to be on his deathbed to call in sick, and even then, he'd probably still try to go in. But then it wasn't like that. And I thought to myself, "well, people change....and he's got a stressful job, too." It wasn't until he started talking about suicide that I really understood the magnitude of the situation. He was hospitalized, and they treated him for depression. They didn't recognize the bipolar. But once he was on the antidepressants, he started to spend, spend, spend. You know all about that, I know you do. And things got worse.

And there are so many judgmental people. They say things like, "what do you do with all that money from working two jobs? You must be rich." Or "My husband and I, we built our house ourselves, and he does all the repairs, so we never had to have any debt." "Why don't you pare down your lifestyle, if you need two jobs to get by and you're married?"

I don't like to share my husband's illness with people who know me. Someday, I hope he is well enough again, and I don't want people to think that he is less of a man because of a mental illness. But I really want to say, to all of those judgmental people who have the perfect life and perfect husband, etc., "I had that too. What would you do if you woke up and suddenly your husband couldn't get out of bed?" "What would you do if you found out that there were a bunch of loans in your name that you weren't aware of?" "What would you do if your husband got a letter in the mail that said, "If you don't pay this amount within x number of days, you will be placed under arrest for writing worthless checks.?" "Would you use your credit card? Would you just give up? Or would you work two jobs and hope things get better?

I hate that people think that DH is lazy. But hey, sometimes I think he's lazy too. It's very hard for me to discern what is laziness and what is mental illness. And it is very hard for me, despite knowing intellectually that he can't, to not just want to say, "just get up and do something!" "Try to control your spending" or "cheer up--the way you are thinking doesn't make any sense!" I don't, but I really want to sometimes....so I understand how other people can think certain things, but sometimes it really gets to me that other people are so self-righteous and don't even know the whole situation....jeez...I wish this was easier....

Some days I'm just at a loss as to how to keep this up. DH is not having a good day. And he didn't bother to go to his therapy appointment today, either. I don't know how to help without him getting angry. So at this moment, after giving due consideration to all the judgmental people, and recognizing that today is a bad day for DH, I'm kind of down, too. The Lithium has done so much....I do need to remember that it isn't going to fix everything, for sure.

Oh for Pete's Sake!

A coworker of mine bought a townhouse a few years back. Because paying for this has severely cramped her financial style (and to top it off, she has an ARM, but that's a whole 'nother post), she's been complaining about the townhouse and how she needs to sell it. After listening to her tell me how much she could get for it (and I'm virtually certain that she's sadly mistaken on that front, being as several units in her development are already foreclosed on or for sale), and how broke she is, I recommended that she read the book "How to Get What You Want in Life with the Money You Already Have", by C. Keeffe. This is a beginners' personal finance book that helps you figure out where your money goes, what's really important to you, and how to get started saving for things you really want. This book is what finally got me started on putting money aside, and although I don't agree with some ideas, it's a motivating book, and easy to follow, for anyone.

So she ordered it from the library. I was thinking, "Now, she'll see the light. If she stops spending money on stupid stuff, she'll have more money for the good stuff."

So today I saw her and asked her what she thought of the book. "Well, you know, I read the part about using a different container for each thing you're saving up for. That's probably a good idea, you know, saving up for things. But I need a more immediate result. Sorry."

Ummmm.....

Oh for Pete's Sake!!!!! No wonder the economy is a mess.

Tomorrow's the big day....

DH is starting his new job tomorrow.

I'm probably more nervous than he is, because if he falls apart on this one, pretty much all the people in town who don't know what has been going on with DH will be gossiping about him. And if he can't keep it together and keep this job, I'm afraid he'll get really discouraged, too.

Basically, I've got the same fears that I had the last time he set out to work (at the place where the paychecks were bouncing, etc...)

DH alternates between excited and scared, too.

And when I think about the income, I get all hopeful....DH has agreed to have his pay deposited into my account and he will get an allowance, probably about $125 every two weeks for gas and cigs and whatever else he wants....that should basically (assuming it all goes that way) give me more wiggle room and a better chance to pay down some of this debt and put aside some more savings. Yaaayyy!!!

Unfortunately it seems like nothing ever goes like my "happy" fantasies, LOL.

So until he is firmly ensconced in this new job, i.e., has received more than one or two paychecks, I'll just be looking at it as a nice little bonus.

Oh--and he still doesn't have any back pain....

Some free magazines for you....

I haven't been able to afford a magazine subscription for quite a while, but I do get some good free ones....here are some free subscriptions you can sign up for, if you like!

Lucky Magazine
(For rewardsgold you usually have to fill out some kind of a survey, but the magazines do come!

Bassmaster, Radar, Computer Shopper, and Vibe (click here)

Home Magazine

I would recommend that you use an alternative email when you sign up for these, though, because sometimes you can get overrun with "offers" otherwise. Happy reading!