DD got arrested.

It was all set:  DD was going to go to a "prom" for special needs kids on Saturday night.  The program that was putting on the prom was also providing donated dresses etc. to all the girls, and the cost would be minimal (about $10.00).  Since this would probably be the only prom that DD might be able to attend, it quickly became a big deal.  The foster mom helped DD select a dress and shoes (this had to be done at a time when I had to be at work, or actually, on my way home from work)....and I was going to chaperone up until I had to leave for my part-time job, and then the foster mom would take over.

I got a call from the foster mom on Friday, while I was still on my way home from work.  The first thing she says, in a very kind and sad way, was that DD was not going to be able to stay there any more.  Apparently, DD had been disruptive three days in a row, and was currently in the midst of a full-blown tantrum.  I could hear DD screaming in the background.  Apparently the tantrum was because DD asked the foster mom to take her to town so that she could look at more dresses.  Foster mom said (and rightly so), "We've already spent quite a bit of time looking at dresses, and you've already picked one out.  So let's just try to be happy with that..." and DD didn't like that, so the screaming began.

I think the foster mom thought the worst was over when she called, because they had finally succeeded in getting DD to go into her room (after many belligerent refusals).  But I could tell, from the sound of the screaming, that it was actually still escalating.  Since I had gotten a kind of "you didn't handle this quite right" once, when DD's therapist and social worker had suggested that I call the area mental health crisis line and instead I called 911, I advised the foster mom to call the crisis line.  Unfortunately, they won't deal with a crisis involving a person who has exhibited self-injurious or assaultive behavior.  While she was making this call, though, DD came out of her room and began to assault the foster mom in front of the other kids, so foster Dad called 911.  DD tried to escape out of her bedroom window, but failed to take into consideration that her room was on the second floor.....The police came, and tried to talk to DD and calm her down, but she was "mouthy" to them and very disrespectful.  She shoved the foster mom while the police were there, so DD has now been arrested for Domestic Assault, and also "Public (something--I'm not sure what)" because she did it in front of the other kids.  So she's been in jail.  I could not find out any information beyond that, as she's now 18 and we are not her guardian(s) yet--the court hearing is actually on Monday, May 16--now it sounds like they are going to try to combine the guardianship hearing with her first court appearance for these charges.....

DH, when I told him about the first phone call, the one where I could hear DD screaming, wanted to go over there and try to calm her down.  I told him not to.  After all, this was a foster home that was supposedly very experienced, and I tried to remind him of all the times when neither he nor I had been able to calm her down in this situation.....so he didn't go.  But when he found out she had been arrested, he had some unusual type of breakdown.  He was sobbing about how scared she must be, and how if only he had gone over there, he could have calmed her down.....and all that kept flashing in my mind was DH saying "Call 911--I can't take this any more!"  And the mental picture of DD attacking DH with the bicycle pump.  It was clear to me that his thinking was "weird".  But he couldn't calm himself down.  He was just distraught, and I was at a loss as to how to handle it.  He said it felt like he was having constant panic attacks, and he was so upset....I suggested he take a Lorazepam, but he hasn't needed to use them very often, so when he ran out recently, he hadn't called in for a refill.  He couldn't stop crying, and he couldn't sleep, and he completely blamed himself for DD ending up in jail.  I ended up suggesting that he take an extra dose of Seroquel--he takes 100mg nightly now, but also used to have an order to take an extra 50mg as needed, although he usually chose not to, because it made him so tired.  So I figured it would be ok if he took that.  And he fell asleep and slept all night.  But it was very weird/scary.  His thoughts haven't been so disorganized, and his emotions haven't been this out of control for a very long time.  When he woke up today, he seemed somewhat better (no more crying), but he was still wayyyy off....really lethargic, mopey, very sad.....he did go to work today, though, so I'm hoping that once he gets into the routine there, maybe his brain will do a little bit of a "reset" and he'll feel better....

DD called collect from the jail today.  I asked her how she was doing and she said "Mom, I'm fine.", in a rather disrespectful tone of voice.  I told her that Dad and I were very worried about her, and she said "Well I'm SORRY!" in a way that clearly suggested that she was not sorry.  So that ended a lot of my direct sympathy for her at the moment.....

I'm really sad for her.  I'm sure jail is quite a shock to her, and like nothing she's ever experienced before.  Unfortunately, I don't believe that the experience will cause her to rethink her actions in the future--I still think that she is not properly medicated.....

And then there remain a lot of questions.  This foster care arrangement was kind of a last-resort thing, because group home funding was not available.  The foster home will not take her back, for sure.  DD's social worker had not been planning on attending court on Monday, she felt that there would be no opposition to us being guardians, so she was not going to clear her schedule for that.  Now I'm really hoping that she recognizes that this is yet another crisis, and that I/we really need her help.  If DD is released from jail after the guardianship hearing, she will have no place to stay.  She could probably stay at our house for a couple of days, but beyond that, we cannot and don't want to be dealing with these tantrums again.  All of her belongings are still at the foster home, but it really doesn't make any sense to pack all of that up until we know what the plan is.....

So once again the situation with DD involves "flying by the seats of our pants"--we weren't expecting this so soon, we certainly weren't expecting the foster parents to give up so quickly, and I am afraid for DD's future.

Why I don't leave my bipolar husband

Well, it's been a thought process to come up with this post, and I have a lot of thoughts on the matter.  My feelings tend to vacillate on a spectrum from "This is stupid, why the hell shouldn't I leave" to "I love him so much and can't imagine life without him".  Most of the time it's somewhere in between, for any of these reasons at any given time.

First and foremost, I did vow to stay married "in sickness and in health".  I take that seriously.  If my DH had brain cancer and it caused him to act like he does now, would people be telling me to leave?  Probably not.  It would be easier for a lot of people to understand--cancer--nobody does THAT on purpose, right?  At my full time job that I was laid off from in January, I worked with a woman who was 55 and whose husband had had a stroke.  Physically, he was able to recover nearly fully, but his personality was forever changed from a laid-back, easy going guy to an angry, easily frustrated, impulsive man.  There were many times she questioned what the "right" thing to do was, but it always came down to "he didn't ask for this to happen" and "If I was in those shoes, I would hope that he would stay with me, too."  And there is DH.  He didn't ask for this.  Which is why when he tries to do things right, even if he messes up, or if what he tries isn't effective, as long as he's trying, I'm seeing that he doesn't want to be like this either.

A lot of the things I'll be listing below do not apply to "That Guy", just DH.

Now, the specific things that he does that keep me in the marriage.....well....

He is very kind-hearted to the animals.  There are not a lot of people who would willingly live with this many animals.  Now those of you who've been reading my blog for a while know that "That Guy" can get angry with the animals.  If you're not familiar with my position on "That Guy", I'll give you a little here, but please read back in the blog to try to ascertain a better understanding--"That Guy" is NOT DH.  I know some of you will argue.  But as I've said before, they are two very distinct personalities.  DH is usually easy going and tolerant.  "That Guy" gets angry over things that DH has been ok with for years.  When "That Guy" goes away, DH might say something like "I know I said that, but what was the big deal?"  Or "I have no idea what I was so angry about".  Which makes it relatively easy for me to divvy him up into "two" personas. 

Anyhow, DH loves the animals as much as I do, and sometimes more.  A man like that is hard to find.

We share the same values.  That's important.  Once again, I can hear some of you saying "What do you mean?  You work all the time and DH is lazy."  I'm talking about the big things--like what's important in the big picture.  Family (including animals).  Spiritual matters.  Doing the right thing as much as you can.  Helping someone who needs help (including animals).

He (and I) have an unspoken agreement and have never needed to talk about it but....we fight fair.  When we disagree, we don't bring up the past.  We don't do name-calling.  We don't "hit below the belt" and take jabs at the other person's weak spots.  That's not to say we don't disagree, but when we do, we stay within the bounds of respect.

DH is very tolerant and accepting.  He never criticizes me.  The only time he questions my actions is when I do something that doesn't make sense to him.  That kind of acceptance is something that I have never seen/known before.  I wish I could be as good at this as him, but unfortunately, I get angry and critical a lot of the time.  I try to follow his example as much as my personality allows, though, and I have learned a lot from observing how nonjudgmental he is.

He's funny.  He knows how to make me laugh and has a sense of when I really need a smile.

This is kind of selfish, but another reason I stay....and by far not the most important one....I can't afford to leave.  A lot of times, when "That Guy" is around, I want a divorce RIGHT NOW.  But....it's hard to find a place to live when you've got a bazillion animals, a boatload of debt, and have been at your new job for less than two months.....

DH trusts me.  When we first married, he would NEVER let me even think that he could/would cry.  He would tell me all the time that "men don't cry" and no matter what I told him, he didn't vary from that.  Now, he is no longer afraid to have me see  him cry.  He doesn't cry too much, but when he does, he's ok with letting me in.  Now here's something I'm not sure I can explain properly.....but despite all the deception that bipolar has brought to our marriage, I trust DH to keep my secrets.  I trust him to tell me if my clothes don't look right.  I trust him to know how much I weigh and not make any comments like "boy, wasn't it just last week you were 10 pounds lighter?"  LOL

He brags about me ALL the time, to everyone he knows.  He is so proud of me.  And when he's DH, he's the most supportive person I could imagine.  He hates to see me cry (although I know that and probably could use that as a "weapon", please see the 'fighting fair" part) and would do anything to get me to stop crying.

He loves my mom.  I don't know a lot of men (maybe I just know the wrong ones but...) who would accept their mother in law's dementia and try to help care for her when he's needed, even to the tone of helping her in the bathroom (when she was really out of it in her apartment and had to have someone with her 24/7, when she couldn't remember the steps involved in bathroom stuff (she still can't) DH did not complain, he did not make snide comments, he just accepted and helped).  He always asks how my mom is doing, and tells her that he loves her.  My mom loves him, too.  Sometimes she remembers his name but not my brother's.  Sad, huh?

Also, if I were to leave DH, he's never said it or alluded to it, but I do believe that he would kill himself.  He has told me many times that I am the only reason he "takes care of himself" as good as he does (and I know it's not too good!).  He has told me, especially in the depths of his depression(s), that he doesn't care about himself at all.  I'm very afraid that if I left he would kill himself and I love him too much to chance that.

I don't want to start over.  I've spent a lot of time with this man, and things have been a LOT worse than they are now.  I complain a lot, I know I do.  A lot of it is due to my inability to (deep-down inside me) accept the fact that the bipolar is going to be there forever, and we are not going to wake up one day and have things go back to "normal".  I get very frustrated when he starts to be more like he used to be, and then he backslides.  I don't know how long it'll take me to somehow recognize that there are ups and downs with this illness (in more ways than one!) and I just have to hang around for a while and things'll change.  I probably won't stop complaining.  I would rather complain to you in a rather anonymous way than complain to my coworkers or other people who know him.  The last thing I want to do is damage his reputation.  "That Guy" has already done that to some extent but I don't want people to think less of him because of his mental illness.

I love my DH very much.  I honestly can't imagine life without him.  There are a lot of changes I can imagine, like moving to a place where it's easier for me to manage on my own (so I don't get so frustrated) and having less animals (you do know that nobody wakes up one morning and says "Yes!  I want to live with fifteen cats and four dogs!") and having one job only and still being able to pay the bills.....and easier to help DH do the things he needs to do to stay healthy.

I could probably write more on this, but right now I'm going to stop.  My marriage to DH is not a "dream" marriage, for sure.  But I honestly do not know many people with a "dream" marriage.  (Ms. Kizzle, you may be one of the few!) My marriage is a good one (for the most part, when "That Guy" is not around too much), and when I look at the marriages of other women I know, really, if I can put aside the bipolar, I've really got it pretty good.  And my brother.  He's got a "dream" job and a "dream" house.   He's got a beautiful wife and two kids.  But all he wants to do is go to bars and strip clubs.  And he told DH that he knows that his wife cheats on him, so why can't he cheat on her, too?  (DH was flabbergasted).  My brother's wife gets irritated when he spends too much time with my mom.  She gets irritated over a lot of things that I see as stupid (like "there's a rabbit in the yard!  What are we going to do????")  I don't want a marriage like that, where they pretend like things are so good, but they're not.....I want (and have) something that (to use a very over-used term) "is what it is".  Warts and all.  Things are better now than they were a year ago.  Hopefully things will be even better next year. 

Peace?

Finally. Kind of. DD and I have made peace. A very hanging-by-a-thread kind of peace, but today I was able to talk to her without her screaming at me, and without her telling me "it's not my fault", and without her insulting me. I guess it's a start. After telling me in one breath "I'm moving out. I already talked to my bio mom and she says I can move back there" (of course she says that--it was the courts that took DD out of there in the first place and the courts would not allow DD to go back there before she turns 18)--I called her bluff. I said "well, if that's how you feel, I guess...." I know she wanted me to buy into all her drama and say "oh no! Don't go!!!" But I won't give her that card to play for every time she's mad. So I just said "I hope things are more fun for you there." Once I said that, she said "But Mom, I LOVE it here. I just thought it'd be easier if I left." (yes, it probably would, but that's not what families do if they can possibly avoid it...)

DH, I sense, is torn. He loves DD and wants things to be ok. But she's been getting more and more violent with these tantrums, and all the pdoc does is raises her dosage(s). DH tends to lean towards the "we might as well give up now" viewpoint. He wants her to go away so he doesn't have to deal with her any more.

And that leaves me torn all asunder. I love DD so much. But I absolutely HATE her behavior and I don't' know how to make it better. I know she's really gotten the "short end of the stick" these last couple of years, with DH being unstable and my mom being sick....I know that in a perfect world she should have and would have gotten a lot more attention than she has.

I feel, though, the same way about her tantrums as I feel about "That Guy". I hate them and want to do anything to get rid of them. Somehow, though, in the same way that I am able to separate "That Guy" from DH, I am able to see that the tantrums aren't the only facet of my daughter. I don't want her to go anywhere. Unfortunately, DH says he does want DD to leave.

Now, since I've been the "person in control" for the last few years in our house, I probably do have the power to override him and allow DD to stay. And in fact I will probably do that, because I don't give up that easily. But it is going to cause a rift in our marriage. I feel like I'm kind of taking advantage of the (previous few years) situation. But I do feel strongly that if DD goes anywhere, she will be forever damaged. More than she is now. And while I might not be the best mom that could have happened to her, and DH not the best dad, she's got us and if we give up on her, the message that sends is so much bigger than anything that she's done.

I don't want to fight with DH about this. I know he has a right to be hurt and angry. I need some help here for sure. I see my therapist later this week, I'll probably ask her about the situation. And I've set up an appointment with DD's social worker on Monday, too--I don't know if there is any respite type thing available to us, but it would be nice if we could take advantage of something like that if it was available.

I guess what it boils down to is that when I talk to DH, I am going to have to remind him that I did not give up on him when things were at their worst--when he was going to bars, stealing from me, meeting up with old girlfriends (he only did that once that I'm aware of), etc....and that I'm not going to give up on DD either. Hopefully he'll understand.

Oh--P.S. There is a rule in our house. DD is not allowed to cook on the stove unless she is supervised. She gets very angry about that rule, because she thinks she is old enough to cook whenever she wants. And she has been very sneaky about it. I haven't said much about it, but I have stopped buying eggs (one of the things she likes to cook) etc. We've had bigger battles to fight, or so I thought...

Today I ran to my mom's house. DH was sleeping, DD was in her room. When I came back, about an hour and a half later, I walked in the door and was assailed by fumes. For some reason I got scared when I smelled that smell, but it took me a few minutes to realize what it was. Then it dawned on me. Propane. Lots of propane. I asked DD "did you use the stove?" I didn't expect her to be honest, and I didn't think she had used the stove. I was thinking we had a bad, bad, leak. I was about to wake up DH and have him help me get everyone out, when DD said, in a small, surprisingly honest voice "yes". I ran to the stove and discovered that one of the burners was on, but no flame. The house was full of fumes. I opened up all the windows and very quietly told DD what could have happened. And explained that things like that are why I want her to be supervised when she cooks. And for once she didn't say "It wasn't my fault!" All she said was "I'm sorry." That was when I knew we might get through all this somehow.

Contrition

DH is sorry about the 4-wheeler thing. He has used some words that I didn't expect him to use, like "ashamed" and "selfish". And he didn't even flinch when he found out that I have the 4-wheeler key now. We can't sell it yet, because after all this time, we still owe over $4,000 on it, and I don't think we could sell it for that much, especially in this kind of economy. And it's nice to have it to plow the driveway, I guess....although paying the neighbor to plow was a lot cheaper....so anyhow...it's parked, and both DH and DD lose out because they were both stupid.

I have to say that I really wasn't surprised by the entire 4-wheeler thing. Both DH and DD did pretty much what I would expect. I just keep hoping that DH will "buck up" and become a partner and not a childish adversary.....I told him this, when we were discussing the situation, and it seemed like he understood. The thing is, that next week, he'll have forgotten it all. And so it'll happen again. And again. I just need to convince myself that I AM a single parent, and although sometimes DH does the "right" thing, a lot of times, he doesn't, and I need to have a plan for that. It's easier said than done, for sure.

DD turns 17 in April. She wants to have a "party". Keeping in mind that she is emotionally about 10 or 11 at best, it would be more of a kids' party than a teenagers' party, which, I guess, makes it easier....but I don't want to. She's been such a brat this year, I really don't have any desire to do something super-fun for her (but I can't tell her that, of course, as I'm sure at least some of her brattiness is not under her control....but I'm dreading the whole thing. So I'm calling a "family meeting" this weekend so that we can all decide what the plan is. And I will just remind DD that the "party" can be cancelled, if she acts like a jerk.

Well, that was easy after all....

I hemmed and hawed, went back and forth, trying to decide whether I should call him or not. Finally, after acknowledging the fact that I tend to regret things I don't do more than the things I do do, I decided to call.

So, with my heart pounding and hands shaking, I dialed his number. I couldn't really even figure out what I was going to say.

"The number you have dialed is no longer in service."

Ok, maybe I dialed wrong.

Nope.

Checked the phone book just to make sure, that's the number that's in there....

Ok, then....I called. Right?.....

I feel weird.

Back before I met DH (so this was years ago), I was in a relationship with someone else for six years. Towards the end, it came very close to being abusive, and I gave him an ultimatum: Get counseling for the anger within the next 30 days or we're through. He didn't. So I walked. But it wasn't that easy, of course. There were a lot of things said and done by both of us that weren't very nice.

I wasn't very grown up. Neither was he. And "fighting fair" was just a concept. There was a lot of yelling. He even went to my mom's house one day and told her things about me that I never wanted anyone to know. But I also did some things I regret--and could have handled differently. I played a lot of games. He responded by being angrier. It took me many years to see that, of course. I still believe that the relationship was very doomed. I should've left long before I did.

But it is a part of my past. There are still some happy memories, although the unhappy ones outweigh them.

I was at the thrift store in town when someone said "Hi Carol!" It was his sister and his mom. I hadn't seen them since probably 1996 or so. His mom looked so old--of course, what did I expect after all that time???? Anyhow, there was some small talk, then his sister said, "He's not doing well. He's not taking care of his diabetes at all. (I didn't know he had diabetes, of course). His leg's all black and he won't go to the doctor. He got arrested for driving without insurance and they wouldn't put him in jail, they told him to go to the hospital, because he was in too bad of shape. He keeps saying, "If I die, I die." And all he does is sleep. He's going to lose his leg for sure, but we think he's going to be dead soon."

That really freaked me out. I don't know how to feel. I never, even when we broke up, never hated him. But I was afraid of him. Now that I'm older, I can see that he didn't have very many skills in the relationship department. I'm not afraid any more. He never had another girlfriend after me. That kind of freaks me out, too.

Part of me wants to give him a call and tell him that I'm thinking about him and urge him to get to a doctor before it's too late. But another part of me does not want to open up a can of worms. I'd like to tell him that I know he did the best he could and that no matter what I said at the time, it wasn't all his fault (our breakup). I think I would regret not telling him that, if he were to die.

I told DH about all of this. He told me that if our positions were reversed, he'd probably call. He said he understood that this person was a part of my history and I didn't stop having that just because DH and I got married. (For all his shortcomings, DH is good at the relationship stuff...) But I also know that he might've just been saying that. The thought of me contacting someone who was a big part of my past has to make him at least a little uncomfortable. It makes ME a little uncomfortable.

I'm still trying to figure out what to do. And how to do it. I can't even imagine this person in such bad shape that he might die. I know we all do, but I guess you kind of tend to think of your friends and family as super-human, know what I mean? I'm kind of shocked and sad.

And it makes me want to force DH to take better care of HIS diabetes (or whatever). I know they were giving him insulin in the hospital. So he should at least be checking his blood sugar....and I should be trying to cook healthier, too. It's scary. Mortality sucks.

I'm angry and I've got to do something!

And I don't want to be. It seems like every day now, I'm angry about something, and I didn't used to be like that. So I'm trying to figure out what's changed?

Is it that DH was doing well, and now he's not quite so well?

Is it because his lack of insight into his spending habits and vices is bleeding me dry?

Am I just overworked?

Do I need more "Carol" time? (I know the answer to this one, but don't exactly know how to accomplish it!)

All this time, I've clearly understood that a lot of DH's behaviors are illness-related. He did not steal from me before bipolar. He did not lie in bed all day or sit on the couch all day before bipolar. Before bipolar, if he created a mess, he'd be the first one to clean it up, of course. I understand that things are different now. Some of these things he's just not capable of changing right now. And I know, because he used to be different, that if he could change, he probably would. So what is different now, making me less tolerant, more angry, more disgusted? Is it just time?

The other night I was angry with him because I went to work, he was sitting on the couch. I got home, he was sleeping. In between, the laundry was no longer in the laundry basket, it was all over the floor. There were twice as many dirty dishes in the sink, and one doggie "accident" on the floor. So I told him that I was frustrated and angry. The fact that I expressed that, apparently made him angry, and he stomped around, slamming doors, etc., until he went out to his car. I found myself hoping he'd leave. I was disappointed when he didn't. What's different now? Am I just tired of the same old crap? I'm sure it'll pass (I hope). I don't really expect answers from all of you, I'm sure my own answers will come in time...

Mostly, I think I'm full of self-pity because this is not what I signed up for. He was going to work, I was going to stay home with the kids. We were going to be a team. We were going to grow old together, and THEN worry about people losing their minds! Whiney, whiney Carol. For a LOT of people, life doesn't turn out like they planned. So what? A LOT of people don't whine like me. A lot of people deal with worse. I've got to get out of the anger stage and move on to acceptance and the like. This is my life right now. It is not going to change just because I am angry.

I never could, in all my life, stand those people who whine about how terrible their life is, but do nothing to change it. I've always been one to think (and sometimes say) "If you don't like it, do something about it, otherwise, for crying out loud, SHUT UP!" I need to take some of my own advice and change something. I have no right to complain unless I am trying to change things.

In the meantime, I need to try (once again) to remember that I am a lot luckier than a lot of people. I know there are a lot of people who would give their right arm just to have someone to talk to, someone to say "good morning" to. I know there are women married to men (and staying married, too) who can't move, who can't speak, or use the bathroom on their own, and are expected to be that way for the long term. I know there are women married to bipolar men whose husbands are not willing to take their medications, not willing to go to appointments, etc. All of that is by far, far, worse than what my marriage is like.

I know that I (for sure) can't change DH. Lord knows I'd sure like to! But, since I can't, I need to start changing me. And, since, I'd like to stay married, despite my anger, I have to find a way to do that within the context of my marriage. Not as easy as it sounds, but I've got to do something!

Bipolar has benefited my marriage.

As surprising as that may seem, I've been giving it some thought, and, yes, although I think that there are many more negative things related to the bipolar than there are positive, I can say this about it: It has made our marriage more real.

When we first got married, we were still trying to put on a "good face" for each other, and I think that in that sense, even years later, we both were still hesitant about letting the other see our faults. And we sometimes weren't completely straightforward with each other, because we didn't want the other person's feelings to be hurt, or for the other person to think less of us. I was a rather submissive wife, and let DH make many of the decisions related to our marriage, because I didn't want to "rock the boat." And while we had said those words, "in sickness and in health", I don't think either of us envisioned what that would mean, or that we would end up doing anything besides putting up with a crabby spouse who had a cold or something like that.

But when bipolar arrived, things changed dramatically. I was dragged, not without a struggle, into this whirlwind of drama, and depression, and weird stuff. Suddenly my DH's "good face" was gone, the bipolar was obvious to me, he couldn't make it "pretty". I learned what my vows really meant, and gained a new appreciation for spouses who are caregivers. I confided in DD's therapist, and found an ally in her, I don't feel like she "does therapy" with me, I feel as if I'm talking to a friend, or, perhaps, a mentor. If DH had not had a mental illness, I never would've had a reason to share my story with DD's therapist, she would've just remained in that role, "someone important to DD".

And on a related note, I've also met some unbelievably nice people through this blog. I never would've started to blog if I hadn't needed someplace to express myself and my frustrations regarding DH. I am amazed at the support I've found, from people who used to be strangers to me--I am so lucky!

I learned some things, too. Some things that, even if bipolar were to disappear as suddenly as it appeared in our lives, I would never let go of. For example, I learned how to be more assertive with my husband. Suddenly I had to make decisions or they wouldn't get made. I started planning for the future as if DH was not going to be able to help, and in this sense, I was able to become more independent. I learned that even on days when "That Guy" was really horrible, that taking the situation seriously was not the best strategy. Although the words and behaviors still hurt me, I am now able, with some degree of success, to say "I'll just wait until tomorrow, when he gets back to normal." (I'd like to say that's easy for me, but it really takes a lot of thought, for me to let anger or hurt feelings just go by the wayside like that, but I don't think I'd be doing it at all, if it weren't for bipolar.)

I learned how to live frugally. I learned how to manage my time AND my money much better. I learned how to take charge of the family.

And the fact that my DH, with his mental illness, has no choice but to let me see his struggles, I am more comfortable with him seeing mine, too. Sometimes I wonder if instead of destroying my marriage, the bipolar might truly have been a blessing in disguise. I have definitely grown up in these last two years, and said and done things I never thought I could. And so, although I would do anything in my power to get rid of the bipolar that my husband suffers with, if we hadn't had this experience, maybe our marriage would not be what it is today.

Back to square one...

Well, DH came home from work early yesterday, his boss told him that she was "going to spread the work around to several maintenance men" and that she'd call him when she had some work for him. Based on some of the questions he said she asked him, and the fact that he made a mistake on Friday--he accidentally reversed the hot and cold water on a washing machine--and nobody called him to come and fix it and "people were upset all weekend and couldn't do their laundry". Doesn't that just sound stupid??? They've got his number, nobody even called to see if he could/would fix it...then, if the cold and hot water were reversed, couldn't they just wash their stuff in hot water instead of cold and just make it work? Stupid. Of course, I don't know the whole story, I tend to think there's more to it than that, but anything is possible. Yesterday, his alarm went off for him to go in to work and he didn't bother to get up until 11am (he tries to start work at 8am). He told me that they weren't concerned with when he got there or how many breaks he takes, etc., could be that he was wrong about that....I don't really know.

Bottom line is, I think he got canned. I think that ultimately, realistically, that is probably a good thing, because I don't think he was/is ready to take on a job with these kinds of responsibilities, and I think our home life has suffered since he started working there....but financially I wish it hadn't happened, of course...and DH is taking it hard and taking it personally, saying "What am I doing wrong?" "What is wrong with me?" "I must be a piece of ****--I can't keep any job".

I tried to explain to him that when he gets a job where it's basically a one- or two-person situation, it's almost always doomed. The other person might have unrealistic expectations, if they don't do the same kind of work, there's nobody to ask questions to or to train you in properly, and if the one person who's the boss has second thoughts, well, there's not much safety there. I tried to tell him how much better it would be for him to have coworkers, to have others doing the same kind of work, etc., and he said he understood. But I'm not sure I explained it right, the words weren't really fluent....

Then after that conversation, last night before bed, DH told me that he was going to get up and fill out some job applications. But he didn't get up until 1pm. So he didn't do anything at all. I'm feeling pretty frustrated. But I think that once again, my expectations are too high--after all, he's just coming off two years of doing nothing, with virtually no expectations of him, and this work thing was tough and letting go is tough, too. Sometimes it seems like no matter how great the Lithium is, no matter how much better our relationship is, it's just not happening "fast enough" for me. I need to slow down and remember how bad things COULD be and be grateful for what I've got now....

Looking forward to life without Bipolar

Today I drove to work fantasizing about how wonderful it would feel if our family got back to normal. I started thinking about how it would feel to see the balances on those credit cards go down instead of up. I started thinking about how nice it would feel to know for a fact that DH is going to have a paycheck, and that it will benefit me. And then I thought: "It's starting right now!".

I drove to work with this happy hopeful mindset, that we are starting to move past the worst of this. The Lithium has been a lifesaver, for sure. And I'm trusting DH a little more. It still upsets him that I don't trust him much, but he readily acknowledges that he did it to himself. I can tell that he is already feeling more "manly" (pardon the wording) now that he is working again. I can see that he feels like more of an equal to me again, and I can also see that his "provider" instinct is showing up a little, too. He seems to be looking forward very much to helping take some of the financial burden off of me. And I'm ready, for sure :-)

And tomorrow we are going on an "outing" as a family. We are leaving Jim at home, and DH, DD and I are going to go to my favorite thrift shop and DD is going to get some clothes for summer camp, and DH and I will browse and spend a dollar or two, too. Then the plan is, that we are going to go out for pizza, because a while back, I won a gift certificate for a pizza place, and it happens to be in the same town as the thrift shop, so it will be a genuine "outing" for the price of gas and about $20 total :-) But I think we'll all feel like it costed more, and it's kind of an optimistic "spending of money", because even that $20 is money that if DH was not yet working, I wouldn't be able to justify spending. It's a really good feeling.

Now, if "That Guy" doesn't drop in, it's got the makings for a perfect day.

He thought of me.

Well, yet another of Jim's myriad of tax refunds arrived in the mail, and he and DH went to cash it. Jim apparently gave DH some money and DH put gas in his car.

But that's not all, as you can tell from the title.

DH came home with a little tub of tuna macaroni salad from the deli at the grocery store and a container of tapioca pudding (my favorite). I probably should've been dismayed because neither of those are in the budget, they're both rather expensive compared to ramen and hot dogs....but that's the first time in a year and a half that he's thought of me instead of himself. The first time in ages that he did something nice for me without sobbing to me about how I'd be better off if he was dead. The first actual deposit into his far overdrawn "love bank" in ages.

I'm getting my husband back, I think, little by little. I hope there continue to be more of these kinds of days to outweigh the bad kind....I'm finding that now that he's doing better, my frustration level with the bad days seems to be worse. I get more disgusted, more angry, more resentful. So, even knowing that the bad days seem worse now than they did before, even though logically that's not true, instead of wallowing in self pity like I tend to do, I am going to sit down, eat my "gifts" and wallow in hope.

The truth comes out...

Well, DH went to Spenders (after a lot of prodding by me--he didn't want to get out of bed) and he came home to tell me how great it was and how glad he was that he went. The topic was "Taking Responsibility" and he said he really got a lot out of it. He told me how he understands why I am the "parent" in our relationship, but that he hates it. I told him that the "parenting" would probably disappear if I saw him making consistently good financial decisions. He said he understood, and that his drug of choice has mostly always been food. And that's where most of his debt came from and where most of his spending still is currently. He told me that he spent all of the $50 his mom sent him on food. I had suspected that, since that's been the way things have gone for quite a while, but I was hoping I was wrong. He talked about maybe giving up the Emotions Anonymous group and maybe trying an Overeaters Anonymous. I am all for that, I guess someone in his Spenders group already goes to that, so he would know someone.

Anyhow, while we were having an honest, straightforward conversation, DH decided to tell me this: "I know you aren't going to like this, but I have to tell you something. Remember how my brother asked me to hang on to his guitar for him while he got his stuff moved and his divorce done and all that? Well, back before Lithium, I wanted to go out to eat and you wouldn't give me any money. I think this was in January or sometime around then....? Anyhow, I pawned his guitar for $65 so that I could go out to eat. The guy just called and said I have until Monday to get the guitar back."

I didn't know what to say. Honestly, he's like a little kid who waits until "Mom" is in a good mood before he tells her he broke her fine china vase. I hadn't seen the guitar for a while, but I had just assumed that DH put it away so that DD wouldn't play with it or something like that. I just sighed. I don't know how to handle these things. Do I let his brother's guitar go, knowing that I can save it? Do I let DH deal with the fallout of his stupidity? Do I rescue him? I already told him "never again" when I unpawned his other stuff. I wish I had a little therapist to tell me what the best thing to do is....If I say "tough luck", then I'm a meanie. If I say, "Ok, lets go take care of this", then what does that make me? A pansy? LOL

What I decided to do was this: The appraiser is coming to appraise the house on Monday afternoon. We need to have a LOT of things cleaned before then. I am not a good cleaner, and also, I work a lot more than DH does currently, so I told him if he would clean the porch, plus the cat litter box room, plus the bathroom, I would get the guitar out of the pawnshop for him. I don't know if that was the "right thing to do", but I really don't know what the "right thing" is.

Barack Obama's speech

I'm really not much of a political crusader. I tend to vote Democrat, but have voted Republican, too. I have told my friends that it really doesn't matter if it's Obama or Hillary, I'd vote for either one. I would've voted for Ron Paul. I wouldn't probably choose to vote for any traditional Republican "this time", because the current administration has made such a slop of things. So here's the thing:

I had heard that after the hullaballoo about Obama's preacher came out, that he (Obama) made a good speech, a speech for the ages, a historic speech. I am not much one for speeches, so I left it at that. (And it was easy, remember we still don't have TV..) I gave some thought to the Obama-preacher thing and recognized that I can relate. I was raised Catholic. There are many issues with the Catholic church that I do not agree with. But that doesn't mean I need to completely sever ties with the Church. I am a grown up person and capable of separating the stupid stuff from the good stuff. I presume Obama is the same.

With that in mind, I decided that I would still prefer Obama, but I really didn't care much one way or the other. Until very recently. The other day, I was meandering around the web, and I came across a blog where the author urged people to read the full text of Obama's speech. The blog wasn't a political one, but yet the author so strongly urged me (and everyone else) to read this speech, I decided to give it a go. And you know what? It was a historic speech. Incredibly moving and powerful. A speech that brought tears to my eyes, and a speech that made me want to share with you. So, regardless of who you are planning on voting for, even if you are voting for McCain, or some grassroots candidate, I am going to urge you to read this speech. Please. Here's the link:
Obama's Speech

P.S. When I told Jim about this speech, he said "Well, anyone can have a good speechwriter", and DH agreed. So I checked around and from all reports, Obama wrote the speech himself and stayed up until 2am doing it. So it adds even more credence to the thing.

Perspective is a good thing to have....

I've mentioned before about my friend Anita, who lost her husband of 28 years back in December. Joe (her DH), was a Vietnam vet, and for as long as I've known Anita, he never had a job. (In retrospect, I realize that he also probably had some mental health issues, but all I ever really saw with my own eyes was that he didn't work, and he drank a lot of beer.)

I remember back when I first met Anita, she was so short of cash all the time, she would work any extra hours she could, and she was very frugal. When I met her, she had just bought their house for $60,000 (a pretty big sum, considering that I bought my first house a year later for $35,900). For quite a while I didn't realize that Joe didn't work. When I did come to know that, I assumed that it was temporary. As I watched Anita struggle, and scrimp and save, I realized that Joe wasn't going back to work, and that somehow, Anita had managed to accept this (at least on some level).

As Anita and I got to be better friends, once in a while she would make a little remark about Joe not working, kind of like "Well, I got a new bookshelf two weeks ago, Joe said he'd put it together, but it's still sitting in the living room in the box...you'd think with all the time he has, that he could at least get around to that..." But that was the closest she ever came to complaining about him....she didn't rant about him at all, as opposed to the way I rant on here about my own DH.

Anyhow, when we still were thinking that Joe was going to recover from his cancer, my DH had stopped working, and somehow I mentioned it to Anita, although I try not to let too many people know what's been going on. When she seemed saddened by the fact that DH wasn't working, I told her that I knew she had done just fine even with Joe not working, and if she could do it, so could I. She made a comment that basically (to paraphrase), said: "it's a really sucky situation to be in." I was kind of surprised, because I had been friends with her for 17 or 18 years at that point, and it kind of seemed to me that she would have accepted Joe not working by then. But I didn't dwell on it too much, he was sick at that point, and he wouldn't have been working no matter what.

Joe passed away in December. Anita talked to me a little about the life insurance money, and about how she was spending so much less on health insurance now. I wasn't sure what she was getting at, so I didn't add much to the discussion. I remembered how broke she had been for so long, and I was happy that she was not struggling financially as much as she had in the past.

A few days later, she was talking about some of Joe's hospital bills, and again she touched on how she has a lot more money now than she did before (when Joe was alive). She told me that they went out to eat a lot more when he was well, and of course, she bought his cigs and beer, and she gave him $25 a week in spending money, too. Since this was the second time she had brought up how much better she was doing financially, I figured it was safe to comment. Probably not a etiquette-wise decision, but sometimes my mouth overrules "what should be appropriate".

And I said something like this: "It must be a relief to have some money in your pocket and not have to worry about your finances so much."

And she got a really sad look on her face and said something like this: "Yeah, but it's nice to be able to share money with someone, too."

When she said that, I thought about DH, and realized that in that sense, she was absolutely right. I still love him very much. (I would like to divorce "That Guy", but he's kind of like extra baggage that comes along, so if I want DH at this point, I have to have "That Guy" once in a while, too.) When I think about the things that are important to me in a husband, I never wish I had done something differently (i.e., married someone else, or not gotten married at that time, etc.), I always think of DH and how he was when we were dating, and how the first several years of our marriage was, it was a dream come true. And I never wish for anything different except for "That Guy" to go away, and for DH to recover from his illness. I don't mind sharing my money with him, I don't mind working so hard because of all this stuff that has happened, and I know I would be very lonely without him. And Anita's words kind of hit home with me, and reminded me of that fact. I do love him, in spite of it all, and I hope that someday we will both be able to look back at all of this and marvel at how we ever made it....

Well, "That Guy" took a break.

DH came back and once again was my regular DH. He told me that he doesn't know why he did that, that he knows we had "a deal" and that it was reasonable for me to expect him to follow through. He also said that he had no intention of "ripping me off", but I knew that all along. He NEVER has any intention of hurting me, it's just that things happen and he "doesn't get around to it"....like my Christmas present, which I didn't get yet.

It has occurred to me while I've been contemplating all of this, that maybe I've been looking at things backwards. I tend to think of my DH as being there all the time unless "That Guy" shows up, but maybe what I need to do is look at "That Guy" as being there all the time unless "DH" shows up. That would help me to keep my expectations low, I think. I'm going to try it, but so far I haven't been able to do it. I look at him and see DH. It's going to be quite a change to look at him and think it's "That Guy" right off the bat, without waiting for his behavior to prove it to me....oh--one more thing???? DH did sell the gun, he did get $500 for it, so he gave me $400, which covered the original $300 that I expected to be taking off my credit card, and then the extra money he took, too. So financially, this time, after my tantrum (and his), the finances are pretty much at the status quo--except that he has a little money to spend on pop and cigs for now.....

Today I took my ring off.

I guess a lot of people reading this are going to say "you should've known better, how many times does it take for you to learn?" I guess I'm a slow learner.

I got home from work this morning at 7am. I think I've mentioned before that on Thursday nights I sleep over in the city, because it doesn't make sense to drive for two hours, sleep for 4 hours, take care of all the animals, etc., then drive for 2 more hours, when I could rent a room for the same price as gas, and sleep for a full 8 hours...so anyhow, I don't come home after work on Thursdays.

So I had been gone for pretty much two days. I walked in the door, the garbage was overflowing, and virtually every single dish in the house had been used. The animals' food and water bowls were empty, and there were pop cans everywhere. I reminded myself to "lower my expectations" and so I wasn't in too bad of a mood. I went into the bedroom. There's snack wrappers, pop cans, and other garbage all over the room. It's disgusting. But what really got me was there was DH, snoozing away, without his CPAP machine. It made me upset that not only could he not do one darn thing to help me out in two days, but he wasn't doing what he needed to do to work on getting better, either. I set my alarm for 9:30 so that I could wake him up for Spenders, because I knew he wouldn't. I was already dreading trying to wake him up, because I knew he had been up until 4 am playing the Sims game.

When 9:30 came, I was very groggy after only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but I woke him up. And he fell back asleep. So I woke him up again. Same thing. Then I really started to get crabby. It's not like he didn't know he was going to have to get up this morning, Spenders is every week. Then he had excuses again, just like that other time. I wouldn't let it drop, though, because we had that agreement that while he was at Spenders he was going to sell the gun.

I went out into the living room to get my credit card back. Surprise, surprise, he had taken $40 more than I told him to. I couldn't believe it and I could. I want so much to be able to trust him with something like that. And after I came up with money I couldn't afford to spend, to fix a problem that I warned him not to do in the first place, he wasn't willing or able to hold up his end of the bargain. I can't describe how I felt at this point. I started to get dressed, because I would sell that gun and get my money back, if he wasn't going to. When he realized what I was doing, he got really angry, kind of like a repeat of that other day when I tried to get him up for Spenders, and he jumped out of bed, started slamming things around, and stormed out the door with the gun. Jim sleepily followed him. They drove off.

I went back to sleep. I was beyond angry. I think what I was feeling was more like a big sigh, like there just was no point in trying any more. I was so fed up. About two hours later, he called and angrily told me he was just about out of gas, and implying that somehow that was my fault (of course it is). I started to ask him where he was and he hung up on me. So I got up, grabbed a gas can and left to help. I called him from the gas station, and told him that I was bringing gas, and he told me that he "found three dollars in his pocket" and didn't need any. And hung up on me again. At this point I went back home, took my ring off, and argued with dd for a while about why I didn't think she should stay overnight with her bio mom. Then I went out to duck and cluck (feed the ducks and chickens) and I guess as soon as I went outside, DD was trying to get her bio mom to argue with me, too. I guess it was just an "argue with Carol" day.

I put my foot down with dd, told her she could go for three hours and that was my final offer, she took that. After I dropped her off at her bio mom's, I had to go and set up my mom's pills for the week, and when I got there, her toilet was overflowing, so she was in a tizzy, too. But the "helper" came and fixed it quickly, so there really was no problem.....but then I stayed and put the bathroom rugs in the wash, and I put on Lawrence Welk, and then Andy Griffith, to help her calm down. Then I went home again.

When I got home, Jim was getting something out of his car, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yeah, he was just getting some change(?). I don't know what DH has told him, but I suppose that even if he thinks DH is being stupid, as a good friend, he'll try to help....DH said "I'm leaving, your cell phone is on the counter." (because I bought the cell phone for him, and of course I pay the bill). So I just said, "ok, bye."

I don't think that was the response he was hoping to get from me, but I am so sick of the arguing and trying to get him to do smart things, I just didn't care at that moment, whether he ever came back, as long as Jim was with him to make sure he was safe. So they drove off, and about 5 minutes later came back, DH took some of his pills. He asked me, in an insolent tone, "Do you wanna talk?" and I said "No, I don't want to talk to "that guy", I'll wait until DH shows back up."
He said, "I AM DH!" And I said "no you're not."

So they left again. And I went and picked up dd and told her I wasn't sure if Dad would be coming home or not, but I suspect he'll be back as soon as he's sure I've gone to work. I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if he stayed someplace else for a few weeks. But I've wished that before, and it doesn't happen.

It's become clear that I am going to need to be assertive with him, if he wants this marriage to continue. I am going to need to make some rules, and he is going to have to follow them, whether he thinks I'm a big meanie or whatever.

It's just so hard for me to do this to my DH, who I love and respect so much. In our "normal" marriage, I would never ever have dreamed of giving him ultimatums, or telling him he has to "do this, or else". That's not me. I have always wanted a partnership where I didn't have to be like that ever. That was how the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage were. Where I could say "I wish things were like this" and he would say "Well, let's figure out a way to do that, then".

And he would say "this is important to me." "Can we make it work?" And I would work hard to compromise. We never argued. We would disagree sometimes, but we never argued, we would just find a way to keep us both mostly happy. It just pains me so much to think about turning this marriage into a dictatorship. I don't know if I can do it.

On a related note, dd's therapist has been urging me for some time to have Social Services assign DH a caseworker to take some of the stress off of me. I've been resisting, telling myself that he is getting better, and he's not so bad that he needs that kind of help....but I'm sad to say, I think it's finally come to that point.

I'll put my ring on again eventually. But not today.

An apology

Well, hi and Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you had some time to do whatever is important to you!

I wanted to apologize for not posting for so long. There's been a lot happening, and sometimes I forget that my purpose for this blog was to share these things with other people, in hopes that people wouldn't feel as alone as I have while I've been going through this. And then when things happen, I think to myself "I'm going to have to write about this on the blog" and then somehow I start thinking "If I don't talk about it, I won't have to think about it." It's easy to hope that if you ignore it, it'll go away, right?

But things don't go away, and nobody gets anything out of this blog, if I don't tell you stuff, so I apologize, and I will do better.

Spenders Anonymous

Sometimes there's just so much to write about, I just can't type fast enough, you know?



Last Saturday morning, before I found out about all the gun-pawning and all, DH went to his first Spenders Anonymous meeting. I really wasn't sure he was going to, especially after his flat-out refusal the previous week, but he did get up and go, and he went without me. He called me when he got there.


Anyhow, I think he was impressed. He said that there were several people there that had problems similar to his--not necessarily bipolar, but blind, uncontrollable, overspending. He said it made him think. It also made him feel bad because of all the people he has "screwed over" in the last couple of years. (Apparently it didn't help him draw a parallel from his recent spending behavior to that of others, or even to his past behavior, but I suppose that comes later).


When he got home, he said, "I have a lot of thinking to do." And he seemed sincere in that he wants to go back. So that is hopeful, isn't it???


Anyhow, so the meetings are on Saturday mornings, and its about an hour's drive to get there. Tomorrow "afternoon" is supposed to bring us a foot of snow. So I am hoping with all my heart and soul that it is not snowing tomorrow when it comes time for him to go--it's so important, I just NEED to know that he is working on the spending issues, you know?
If you were to ask me, and if you can't tell from my posts here, the biggest problem affecting our marriage is not necessarily the bipolar illness, it's the overspending. It seems like he is never happy with what he has, not even for a day. And he has to find SOMETHING to buy all the time. And a lot of forgiveness is going to have to happen. Both in our marriage and between DH and his friends, and DH and our community, too. The bipolar is small beans compared to all the spending issues, so if he could get that REALLY under control, I know our marriage would undoubtedly be stronger....

Busy, busy, busy!!!

Well, today, DH's friend Jim repaired the steps leading to our deck, cleaned the yard, put new rafters and loft floor in DH's shed, and took Molly McMutt outside to play. I got off work at 6am and went from there to WalMart, because a) 6am is a GREAT time to shop at WalMart, and b) WalMart is the cheapest place between work and home for me to buy dog food and fixin's for Thanksgiving dinner. Because I wasn't going to make it home in time to wake DD up for school at 6:50, I called DH and asked him if he would do it for me. "Sure. I'm already up." And he didn't even sound like he minded, which was unusual and very pleasant.

When I got home from WalMart, the first thing I had to do was let out 5 dogs. Two of them have to be on chains (Megan and Frosty) and then Molly can be out wherever...Sarah needs to be watched, because she will chase a car if one goes by...and Kirby is completely deaf and kind of blind, so I have to keep an eye on him too....then I started to unload the car, put everything perishable into the fridge, locked the door and went in to bed. I wasn't surprised that DH was sleeping, he sleeps a LOT. But as I closed the door, he woke up and said "Hi honey," and then he opened his eyes with surprise and told he that he hadn't woken DD up after all, he'd fallen back asleep. ARGH.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised....last year dd was tardy to school seven times because he "fell back asleep", even if I called him two or three times to remind him, to the point where he got mad at me, he'd still fall back asleep. But he hadn't done it yet this year, so I had been thinking that we were making "progress." I know I feel a lot better about things when I am there every morning to make sure things go like they're supposed to, but WalMart is 30 miles away from home, so I don't want to waste the gas going home and back, of course, and the store closest to our house has much higher prices...

I have to give DH credit, though, he did get out of bed and drive dd to school, where in the past I have had to do it...so I guess we still have progress, it'd just be nice if I could really really depend on him.

And now, here it is 3am, I'm at work. DH told me (like he has a zillion times) that he will call me to say "Hi". But I'm pretty sure he won't. That is something I've grieved since the bipolar started--he used to call me all the time to just say Hi and hear how I was doing--whether I was at work, or he was at work, or both...I would always be able to count on hearing his voice. But when the bipolar crept in, the phone calls were some of the first things to go. I still get my hopes up when he says he'll call. I've told him how much I look forward to his calls. But he usually "falls asleep" without calling me.

I know this is the bipolar illness, not my DH's true sentiments. Dave, on his "Blog for Supporters of Loved Ones with Bipolar Disorder", says:

"I find that by making a list of the good
things that happen with your loved one,
not only does it help you get through the
tough times but it also helps you remember
that bipolar disorder is not your loved one.

Remember the thing that you are angry at is
bipolar disorder NOT your loved one. I know that
sounds crazy so to speak and I will probably
get a whole lot of emails from people saying
that I am confusing bipolar disorder with
other disorders like dissociative identity
disorder. I am NOT.

This is just a technique to help you overcome
a very difficult time. Try thinking of your loved
one's bipolar disorder completely separate from
him/her and you will see how much easier your
life becomes."

Sometimes it feels like all I do is complain about DH's behaviors or lack thereof. And it does help to remind myself that I am really complaining about the bipolar illness, not my DH. My DH, in his healthy state, is not like this.
But sometimes it's so hard to keep that all straight.....

Still no Gold Dollar solution

I've been contemplating the fact that it's been weeks now since I discovered that DH had stolen my gold dollars. I had really hoped that as I put time between that day and now, I would be better able to accept and forgive him, and start over with the gold dollars again.

But I still haven't been able to do it. There have been several times where I've had an extra dollar or two and thought about getting gold dollars. But I still can't bring myself to do it. I end up with this resigned "What's the use?" attitude, and then I go buy a can of pop or something equally useless. I've got to get through this somehow, but I don't know how.

I've forgiven DH for stealing from me. I know it was his bipolar that caused him to do something that the man I married would never ever do. But I haven't forgotten, for sure. And I keep thinking about "where would I put the bucket now?" Because the only place that I KNEW my collection would be safe, was in our bedroom, under lock and key. So it really seems pointless to do it again, because if I keep it in our bedroom, who's to say it won't happen again? And if I keep it elsewhere in the house, well, dd stole from us before we put the lock on the bedroom door, so I couldn't feel comfortable about that either. We only have a 2-bedroom house. It's painful to think about.

I was really hoping that maybe since I'm feeling more hopeful about DH today, that I could get past the gold dollar thing. But apparently not yet.