Apology

Um...hi, it's me......I think I owe you an apology.  No, I'm certain of it.  I have no excuse really, but for a myriad of small reasons and nothing I can really point a finger at, I have not been updating this blog.  And I have so much to tell all of you......I guess I get in these "ruts" where I put it off for a while and then starting back up (like this) is hard, so I put it off some more.....anyhow, I'm sorry.  You don't deserve to be treated like that.

I've missed you all.  I hope you can forgive me.

Giveaway winner--Congratulations

Since there were six valid entries to the drawing, I did a dice roll to get the winner.

Congratulations to Jody who is the random winner of the "Manic" book.  Jody, I'll send you an email so that I can send it out to you as soon as possible!!!!  Thanks to everyone for "entering"--I wish I had a copy for everyone!!!!  This was fun, I'll probably do more giveaways in the future....

Sorry for any inconvenience but....

I am absolutely sick of all the stupid comment spam I've been getting. Links to pharmaceutical sites, and oriental characters....one of my posts has received eleven comments in some oriental script that I can't read. Another one got three links to buy Cialis.

So, in order to try to combat this problem and cause you the least trouble, I am going to enable comment moderation on posts that are older than four days old. So you should still be able to comment on my most recent stuff without any hitch, but if it's been "out there" for more than four days, I'll have to "approve" it first.

From what I can figure, this is the best way to limit this stupid comment spam. Again, I'm very sorry if this causes you trouble!

Calm after Crisis

I really don't want to be writing this. Every time I think about it, I feel a little funny and want to put it off, but really, there's nothing that dramatic going on....just me not wanting to think about this past week, that's all....

My mom....she is responding to the antibiotics and is starting to make sense. Last night she stayed in her apartment without DH or me staying with her, so that was good. It's not so good, though, that she's still having anxiety issues and is still thinking that she is covered with poop, or hair or whatever, when she very clearly isn't. She has an appointment with the Dr. on Nov. 7, so we'll see if maybe he can increase some of her anti-anxiety meds so that she isn't so worried.

DD.

Still in the psych hospital. I'm still angry with her, but I'm starting to calm down. This is the longest I've ever stayed angry with her. Tomorrow, though, we have a family counseling session at the hospital, so maybe we can work on some things there. Like I need another appointment to go to. (Yep, I'm resentful, too)....anyhow, we're doing that and I'll let you all know how it goes.

I read all your comments about this stuff and I wanted to just respond a little--I am starting to recognize that the hospitalization itself will be a good enough consequence for DD. She is missing out on her visit(s) with bio mom, which is what her tantrum was designed to avoid. Plus, she is missing my nephew's 3rd birthday party on Saturday. She loves my two nephews, and her favorite thing is to go over to their house and play with all their toys with them. So the fact that she is missing that because she did something stupid and can't leave the hospital, that's a natural consequence, too. So I'm feeling much less inclined to come up with any other consequences. Thanks everyone, you were right.

I guess what I need to say is that what it all boils down to is love. And maybe that's something that God wants me to learn. Loving someone isn't just taking the good times and handing the problem(s) off to someone else when it's not so fun any more....and that's the case with my mom, with DD, and, with DH, too. For me, there isn't any question of whether my mom goes into a nursing home, or DD goes into a group home or whatever.

The genuine truth of the matter is, that probably someday my mom will HAVE to go to a more skilled residence. But until that becomes the only option, I will do everything that is within my power to help her avoid that. She's been in her apartment for nearly four years now. No question about it, it's home to her. And her cat, which she'd have to give up if she moved. The staff at the assisted living feel confident that they can meet her needs (with a little help from the family), so I will do whatever I can to make sure that she has the best possible quality and quantity of life.

And probably DD will end up living in a residential group home after she finishes school. It's becoming more and more apparent that unless she gets some huge benefits from this hospitalization, she will not be able to live on her own without significant supports. But right now, I'm her mom, and my job is to keep her safe, teach her skills that will benefit her, and love her. Even when it's harder than I ever imagined. I can't tell you the number of people at work and elsewhere who told me this past week to "get rid of her, she'll be nothing but trouble" etc. Would they say that if she was my bio child? Based on some of the people who've said these kinds of things (relatives), I just don't think so. Because although I don't have bio children, I suspect that my love for her is pretty similar to that.

A lot of bad things happened when DH got sick. And I admit, I still kind of hold a grudge regarding some of those things. But I love him and have stuck it out this far. It's the same principle.

And isn't it sad that every family member that I love so much has a significant mental health issue? That's why I named this blog what I did, by the way....with DD, DH, my mom, and the people I work with at the group home(s), sometimes I wonder what a "normal" person is really like.....

I love my family. And I'm in it for the long haul. But I might complain a lot.

Award received!

Thanks to Obladi Oblada for this Over the Top Award!

The rules are as follows:

Answer the survey below…you can only use one word answers!
Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers!
Alert them that you have given them this award!
Have Fun!
_______________________________________________________
Where is your cell phone?- Someone needs to call it – Car
Your hair? -scraggly
Your mother?- scared
Your father? – deceased
Your favorite food?-pizza
Your dream last night?- none
Your favorite drink? milk
Your dream/goal? – retirement
What room are you in?- office
Your hobby?- work
Your Fear?- loneliness
Where do you want to be in 6 years? – pta
Where were you last night? – work
Something that you aren’t? cruel
Muffins? banana
Wish list item? roof
Where did you grow up? Minnesota
Last thing you did? typed
What are you wearing? clothes
Your TV? none
Your pets? numerous
Friends? yes
Your life? chaotic
Your mood? overwhelmed
Missing someone? yes
Vehicle? toyota
Something you’re not wearing? goggles
Your favorite store? Book
Your favorite color? green
When was the last time you laughed? five
Last time you cried? today
One place that I go to over and over? work
One person who emails me regularly? Amy
Favorite place to eat? hmmm

Im going to pass this to:
Perphila
Reighnie
Dustpan Alley
Miss Kitty
Robin
SweetSue

This cracked me up!

Whoa! Look at all the typos!!!

I'm usually a little bit of a spelling snob. Especially with my own stuff. (I'm clearly not a punctuation snob, as you can tell from my generous use of punctuation!!!) So anyhow, I was shocked when I reread some of my recent blog posts and saw all the typos....I guess I've not been even as clear as I thought, which was really not very clear!

Maybe over the weekend I'll fix the typos....

Or maybe I'll leave them there as a "tribute" to my personal chaos.

On friends....

I've written before about how, when DH started to act "weird", most, nearly all, of his friends drifted away. The only one he is still in touch with is Jim. And we are talking about a guy (DH) who used to make friends everywhere he went. He would start talking to some guy at the hardware store, and the next thing you knew, he was going to their house, or they were coming over. That's all gone.

But this post is about me. And what bipolar has done to my friendships. When this started, I had three close friends. I'm kind of an introvert, so I was fine with that. The first friend of mine, I've known since I was 11 years old. We've known each other through a lot. But when it comes to DH, she doesn't want to talk about it. She'll ask me how I'm doing. And I'll say something about what is going on in my life and, if it involves mental illness, she ALWAYS changes the subject. I feel like she wants to be my friend, but is afraid of the bipolar. And she has no idea how to support me, because she's never dealt with this before. I don't know how I would act if I was in her shoes. It's uncomfortable, to say the least. For both of us. Maybe we'll be back to being close friends when DH is more stable, or when his problems are not front and center in my life any more (i.e., if I "get used to" the situation and it becomes "normal").

My other good friend, I've known since DH and I got married. We have so much in common, so many shared interests and I really enjoyed her company. We could email each other literally for hours and hours! We both moved to our town at about the same time, and had similar upbringings. It was a lot of fun. So, maybe she "drifted away" too, you think? Nope. I blew this one. Big time. Because of bipolar and my own insecurities about it. When DH started to have problems, I, who had shared so many happy times with my friend, didn't know how to talk about it. I was embarrassed. I was nervous. And I didn't want to think that any "weird" stuff from DH was more than just a fluke. I'm sure my friend would have sympathized. I have no doubt. But the more time went on, and when she would tell me that she and her DH were going on a big vacation, and how excited she was, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her what was going on in my life. I was afraid of the stigma. I was afraid of being the one who didn't have the perfect marriage any more. And I didn't want her and her husband to look at us differently. Well, that happened anyhow, so in hindsight, all I did was make myself miserable.....I couldn't tell her that the reason I never sent her a Christmas card was because I was too busy dealing with working 2 jobs and taking care of DH....I couldn't tell her that the reason I never sent a card for her daughter's graduation was because I didn't have any money....and I couldn't invite her over any more, because this was the friend of mine who had always teased me that our house was so clean, people could eat off the floors....now, if she saw it, she might not even want to walk on those floors!!! Anyhow, there were a lot of things that I didn't think I could do. And now, I'm realizing, as the emails from her are less and less, that I did this to myself, although I didn't know it at the time. That is sad. I'll try to learn from it, for sure....but still sad....

My third friend, I'm still friends with her. She's the one whose husband passed away last year. I don't remember why I felt like I could confide in her and not my other friend, but that's the case. She tries to understand and she worries about my lack of funds. But she has never experienced anything like bipolar either, so sometimes it's hard to explain my thinking....and I don't want her to know details, because I'm still kind of scared as to what she would think, even though my heart knows better than that.

But you know, despite the fact that bipolar has helped me to grow away from my friends, there is a friend-related benefit, and that is all of you!! I had no idea that there were people with relatives with bipolar, people who actually have bipolar who can give me their point(s) of view, and friendly people who really just want to offer support, advice, or a cyber-hug....I had no idea. When I started this blog, it was all for me. It was a diary where I could express my feelings without hurting anyone. I never envisioned all the other benefits I would get out of it. So in that sense, I just wanted to say "thank you" to everyone who reads this blog, and, whether you comment or not, I appreciate you and treasure you all!

A note to Sasha, the Accidental Mommy...

Sasha, we're worried about you....it's obvious that something terrible has happened...I'm so heartsick, thinking the very worst....There doesn't appear to be any other way to reach you now, since you've removed the comments, etc., if you do happen to come across this, please, if you could, just let us know you're ok....?

We'll be praying for you, even though you and God are not getting along...

(To anyone who doesn't know Sasha's blog, she is/was married to a quadriplegic, and had taken on the care of a relative's children, who were very emotionally troubled and had lots of issues--she is one of the blogs that I "follow", and you can still read the archives of her blog, at least for the time being....)

Merry Christmas to all of us!

Well, I hope you're done with all of your running around and craziness. I hope that you have time to look at pretty lights, time to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" (my favorite movie of all time) and time to hug everyone you care about. This year I have so much to be grateful for. I am hoping that 2009 is full of blessings for all of us. Anyhow, here's a video for you--thanks very much for being with me through all of this bipolar mayhem!!! There are so many times that something someone has said in a comment will stick in my brain and carry me through a really rough time, I'm happy to know all of you--thanks again!

Evolutionarily speaking, mental illness might not be a bad thing!

The following is an excerpt from an interesting article from MSNBC, explaining how evolution may have played a part in man's development of what we call "mental illness". It lists all of the most common mental illnesses and explains how they might have started as something that was a benefit, but either got overdeveloped, or isn't useful any more. Very interesting!

(click here to link to read the full article at MSNBC)

Mental ills may have an evolutionary upside

People with bipolar disorder have more sex, for instance, research says

By Robin Nixon

LiveScience

updated 3:31 p.m. CT, Tues., Aug. 26, 2008

....

Mental illnesses hinder one in every four adults in America every year, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. And this doesn’t count those of us with more moderate mood swings.

To explain our susceptibility to poor mental health, Randolph Nesse in "The Handbook of Evolutionary Psychology" (Wiley, 2005) compares the human brain with race horses: Just as horse breeding has selected for long thin legs that increase speed but are prone to fracture, cognitive advances also increase fitness — to a point.

Let's take common mental conditions one-by-one.

People with aggressive and narcissistic personalities are the easiest to understand evolutionarily; they look out for number one. But even if 16 million men today can trace their genes to Genghis Khan (nature's definition of uber-success can be measured by his prolific paternity), very few potential despots achieve such heights. Perhaps to check selfish urges, in favor of more probable means to biological success, social lubricants such as empathy, guilt and mild anxiety arose.

......


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MSN Privacy . Legal
© 2008 MSNBC.com

A tribute to Leroy Sievers

A long time ago, when my friend Anita's husband (who passed away in December) was diagnosed with colon cancer, I searched the web to find some way to help, some way to understand, to hope. In the process of that search, I found Leroy Sievers, a cancer survivor, who blogged about his journey. His quiet calm was very comforting and I shared the link to his blog with my friend. I don't know if she ever checked it out, I hope she did.

I didn't check Leroy's blog every day. Things have been very chaotic in my own life, and sometimes, thinking about the fact that someone so amazing could pass on, well, it was just too much for me at the time. When DH began his Lithium therapy, things started to calm down, and I decided to see "what had ever happened to Leroy" and, finding that, against all odds, he was still alive and blogging, I began to follow his journey again.

You know, when someone, especially someone "young", is dying, you always hear about them being referred to as "brave". I've never been sure if that is an accurate word, because I think that for most people, when you get cancer, you do what you've gotta do, not really like CHOOSING to go and fight a war, or CHOOSING to run into a burning building to save a child, there's not much choice involved (on the surface, anyhow), when a person has cancer. But Leroy showed me how many choices there really are, when you get stuck with something like that. What kind of attitude to have. When to call in hospice, whether to buy new clothes or not, so many choices that those of us, who still are living with the illusion that we are going to live "forever", don't even think about. And he shared his struggles over these choices with the world. To me, that really is brave. He didn't have to do that.

I have no idea how many cancer patients, spouses, and others he touched, but I can speak for myself. His support of others with his disease, sharing of his hopes and dreams, and the love he had for his family, on a regular basis, he helped me to see my mortality in a way that I wouldn't have otherwise. I'm so sad to learn that he has passed on.

And thinking about him, and all the things I learned from his journey, and the pain his wife must be experiencing right now, I just wanted to say one more thing. My husband didn't get to choose whether to have a mental illness either. I love him so much. I can't imagine losing him. Not now, not in 50 years. And he has faced his illness with a courage that, despite my complaints, I really do admire. He strives to be the best man he can be, even if he is learning that it's not the same man he was 5 years ago. And I'm happy to have him. I'm sure Leroy Sievers' wife would give anything to be in my shoes right now. Please keep her (and Leroy too) in your prayers.

Funny Video

Hi everyone, I don't usually put videos on this blog, because they usually aren't at all relevant, and this one is no different....but I thought it was so funny, I had to share with you...I guess it's been around for a while, so you might have already seen it, but maybe some of you haven't....I apologize for being off-topic from the usual drama :-)

Interesting Personality Test

Have you ever wondered if you have a "personality disorder"? Are you Obsessive-Compulsive? Are you really paranoid? Here's a fun test to take. When I took it, I got "low" and "moderate" for all of them except I scored "high" for "avoidant". That didn't really surprise me, as I'm shy and not a very social person. It was interesting reading about the different personality disorders, too. Anyhow, here's a link, if you wanna to take the test--I'd love to have you let me know what your results are/were, if you're comfortable sharing with me!


Click here for the personality disorders test

My mistake and "What do you think?"

Well, I got tired of the old template. I was looking at a bunch of blogs and a lot of them looked just like mine. And that made me feel boring, so I decided to spice things up a little :-)

But in the process, I messed up. When you change the template like that, you lose all your widgets. I knew that from looking into things, so I looked up and figured out how to save them all. But even though I knew what I was doing, I still managed to mess things up, so I lost a lot of my blog (some of which probably was ready to leave anyhow, LOL) and that included my blogroll.

I feel kind of stupid for doing it, but I know what I did wrong and won't make that mistake again.

But if you used to be on my blogroll and you aren't now, it's only because I can't remember all of my favorite sites right this minute. I'm sure most of them will come back to me eventually, but if you want to send me a reminder just in case, I won't be offended.

Have a great night.

More Famous People with Bipolar

DH was talking with his Nurse Practitioner who prescribes his meds and she started telling him about all these famous celebrities who have bipolar. He was amazed. She referred him to this link.

Famous Bipolar People

And I was amazed too! I didn't know Sting was bipolar, or Peter Gabriel. I knew Robin Williams was, but I didn't know about Ben Stiller. And Mark Twain, too???

Very interesting stuff. When I think of what's gone on in our family this past year or two, I have to wonder what some of these celebrities went through, as well as those famous people who were bipolar before there were many effective treatments for it...sometimes I'm sad that I live in the times I do, but when it comes to mental illness, I'm very grateful, for sure!

And I think I'll add the main site to my blogroll, too, as there is a lot of information about Bipolar on there. Just figured I'd share!

Barack Obama's speech

I'm really not much of a political crusader. I tend to vote Democrat, but have voted Republican, too. I have told my friends that it really doesn't matter if it's Obama or Hillary, I'd vote for either one. I would've voted for Ron Paul. I wouldn't probably choose to vote for any traditional Republican "this time", because the current administration has made such a slop of things. So here's the thing:

I had heard that after the hullaballoo about Obama's preacher came out, that he (Obama) made a good speech, a speech for the ages, a historic speech. I am not much one for speeches, so I left it at that. (And it was easy, remember we still don't have TV..) I gave some thought to the Obama-preacher thing and recognized that I can relate. I was raised Catholic. There are many issues with the Catholic church that I do not agree with. But that doesn't mean I need to completely sever ties with the Church. I am a grown up person and capable of separating the stupid stuff from the good stuff. I presume Obama is the same.

With that in mind, I decided that I would still prefer Obama, but I really didn't care much one way or the other. Until very recently. The other day, I was meandering around the web, and I came across a blog where the author urged people to read the full text of Obama's speech. The blog wasn't a political one, but yet the author so strongly urged me (and everyone else) to read this speech, I decided to give it a go. And you know what? It was a historic speech. Incredibly moving and powerful. A speech that brought tears to my eyes, and a speech that made me want to share with you. So, regardless of who you are planning on voting for, even if you are voting for McCain, or some grassroots candidate, I am going to urge you to read this speech. Please. Here's the link:
Obama's Speech

P.S. When I told Jim about this speech, he said "Well, anyone can have a good speechwriter", and DH agreed. So I checked around and from all reports, Obama wrote the speech himself and stayed up until 2am doing it. So it adds even more credence to the thing.

Make it go away

Well, I guess it's about time I told you what's been on my mind lately.

DH, by the way, has been more stable than he has been in months, and the depression is gone. He had a panic attack today, but no mood swings, and in general, I am confident that the Lithium has been helping big time.

But here's my thing: Last week, my boss at my part time job called me up and told me that they want me to work full time overnights for them. It's only 4 miles away from home. I was and am really excited about the prospect. And it's not hard work at all. And I really like the people I work for. In our economically depressed small town, a full time job is a big deal. They are very hard to come by. There are people who have worked at the local Hardees and the convenience stores for 15+ years, that's what it's like here, and that's why I drive 2 hours to my "main" job. Odds are, that whoever gets this job will keep it for years.

But, the thing is, I'm very sad to say, this job also pays half of what my "main" job pays. Now, some of that could be made up in reduced commuting costs, but the bottom line is, it's a huge pay cut. I am agonizing over this. There is no way I can quit my "main" job. Things are just too tight. So I've been mulling the possibility of me working both jobs full time for a while, but I don't think I can do it. I hate this. I've been hesitating to blog about it, because the more I think about it, the clearer it becomes to me that it isn't a realistic option right now. But I so much want it to be.....why on earth couldn't this have come up a month from now, when DH was doing even better than he is now, maybe even working, and I've had a chance to pay off some of these bills, argh. And I don't know for sure how the medical insurance is, and what kind of mental health coverage they have...that could be a deal-breaker no matter what. I have been hoping this job would open up....I just didn't want it to happen now.....and I also hate to let them down, they really want me to take it. But I don't think there's any way they could double my pay :-(

Perspective is a good thing to have....

I've mentioned before about my friend Anita, who lost her husband of 28 years back in December. Joe (her DH), was a Vietnam vet, and for as long as I've known Anita, he never had a job. (In retrospect, I realize that he also probably had some mental health issues, but all I ever really saw with my own eyes was that he didn't work, and he drank a lot of beer.)

I remember back when I first met Anita, she was so short of cash all the time, she would work any extra hours she could, and she was very frugal. When I met her, she had just bought their house for $60,000 (a pretty big sum, considering that I bought my first house a year later for $35,900). For quite a while I didn't realize that Joe didn't work. When I did come to know that, I assumed that it was temporary. As I watched Anita struggle, and scrimp and save, I realized that Joe wasn't going back to work, and that somehow, Anita had managed to accept this (at least on some level).

As Anita and I got to be better friends, once in a while she would make a little remark about Joe not working, kind of like "Well, I got a new bookshelf two weeks ago, Joe said he'd put it together, but it's still sitting in the living room in the box...you'd think with all the time he has, that he could at least get around to that..." But that was the closest she ever came to complaining about him....she didn't rant about him at all, as opposed to the way I rant on here about my own DH.

Anyhow, when we still were thinking that Joe was going to recover from his cancer, my DH had stopped working, and somehow I mentioned it to Anita, although I try not to let too many people know what's been going on. When she seemed saddened by the fact that DH wasn't working, I told her that I knew she had done just fine even with Joe not working, and if she could do it, so could I. She made a comment that basically (to paraphrase), said: "it's a really sucky situation to be in." I was kind of surprised, because I had been friends with her for 17 or 18 years at that point, and it kind of seemed to me that she would have accepted Joe not working by then. But I didn't dwell on it too much, he was sick at that point, and he wouldn't have been working no matter what.

Joe passed away in December. Anita talked to me a little about the life insurance money, and about how she was spending so much less on health insurance now. I wasn't sure what she was getting at, so I didn't add much to the discussion. I remembered how broke she had been for so long, and I was happy that she was not struggling financially as much as she had in the past.

A few days later, she was talking about some of Joe's hospital bills, and again she touched on how she has a lot more money now than she did before (when Joe was alive). She told me that they went out to eat a lot more when he was well, and of course, she bought his cigs and beer, and she gave him $25 a week in spending money, too. Since this was the second time she had brought up how much better she was doing financially, I figured it was safe to comment. Probably not a etiquette-wise decision, but sometimes my mouth overrules "what should be appropriate".

And I said something like this: "It must be a relief to have some money in your pocket and not have to worry about your finances so much."

And she got a really sad look on her face and said something like this: "Yeah, but it's nice to be able to share money with someone, too."

When she said that, I thought about DH, and realized that in that sense, she was absolutely right. I still love him very much. (I would like to divorce "That Guy", but he's kind of like extra baggage that comes along, so if I want DH at this point, I have to have "That Guy" once in a while, too.) When I think about the things that are important to me in a husband, I never wish I had done something differently (i.e., married someone else, or not gotten married at that time, etc.), I always think of DH and how he was when we were dating, and how the first several years of our marriage was, it was a dream come true. And I never wish for anything different except for "That Guy" to go away, and for DH to recover from his illness. I don't mind sharing my money with him, I don't mind working so hard because of all this stuff that has happened, and I know I would be very lonely without him. And Anita's words kind of hit home with me, and reminded me of that fact. I do love him, in spite of it all, and I hope that someday we will both be able to look back at all of this and marvel at how we ever made it....

An apology

Well, hi and Happy New Year to everyone, I hope you had some time to do whatever is important to you!

I wanted to apologize for not posting for so long. There's been a lot happening, and sometimes I forget that my purpose for this blog was to share these things with other people, in hopes that people wouldn't feel as alone as I have while I've been going through this. And then when things happen, I think to myself "I'm going to have to write about this on the blog" and then somehow I start thinking "If I don't talk about it, I won't have to think about it." It's easy to hope that if you ignore it, it'll go away, right?

But things don't go away, and nobody gets anything out of this blog, if I don't tell you stuff, so I apologize, and I will do better.