Social Security Disability Update

We got the call over Labor Day weekend. DH's disability claim has been approved. He's also going to be eligible for Medicare in March, which is almost more exciting than the Disability itself, because this year, we (I) had already spent over $3000.00 in out of pocket expenses just for DH alone--prescriptions, ER visits, Dr. visits, etc. The Medicare coupled with my health insurance from work, will mean he is double covered and presumably, our bills will go down significantly. I may even be able to give myself a raise, because right now I contribute the maximum amount to my Flex plan, which amounts to about 95.00 each paycheck before taxes. Now granted that I do go to the doctor once in a while, so the amount wouldn't go down to zero, but the decrease could potentially be significant. Open enrollment at work is next month, so I'll have to ask someone how that all works.
Probably the biggest thing that this means right now, though, is that I am going to quit my 2nd job. After nearly exactly 8 years of working 2 jobs, DH's disability, after taxes, will be about the same amount as I bring home from the 2nd job. Originally, I wasn't going to quit right away. That extra money would make things that much easier, of course. But every time I went to work, all I kept thinking about was how I could choose to quit, how I could find a job that I really like, if I even want a second job, it's a choice now. Even before the disability was approved, I worried a lot about my mom being so sick and what if I got "the call" when I was working and couldn't leave? (Because at a group home you can't leave the clients unattended, not for any reason). And every time I showed up for work, I felt more strongly that it was time. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, this will be my last weekend of working 2 jobs.
I'm really excited about having 2 days off every week! Maybe I'll get a different part time job once my mom passes, but right now, spending more time with her will be nice, too.

Restricted

DH got a certified letter in the mail yesterday.  It was from our health insurance provider, and stated that since he had had at least 10 visits to the emergency room at two or more hospitals, and had 15 prescriptions filled for narcotics (Percocet), they are placing him on restriction.  Basically, what this means is that he is ONLY allowed to go to one specific doctor and/or his psychiatrist.  Nobody else.  And any time he requires Emergency Room services outside of our own county hospital, there will be a team determination as to whether those services were a true emergency.  If DH uses a different Dr., other than his "one and only", or a different psychiatrist, or uses an Emergency Room when it is determined that it was probably not a life-and-death emergency, the bills will not be paid by our health insurance.

I had heard of this happening, but this Percocet thing had been going on so long, I figured nobody cared.  Apparently they do. 

DH was embarrassed.  According to him, he has not been in the E.R. or received Percocet since his Pdoc warned him in early February that being addicted to Percocet could affect his disability case.  I don't know if that's true or not.  I do know that there seem to be a lot less complaints about back pain and definitely a lot less trips to the E.R. 

In DH's defense, I believe that the "more than one hospital" was probably because DH's job was in a different county than ours, and not necessarily because he was "drug seeking" (going to a different hospital because he had already gotten Percocet from our hospital).  And he was always getting sent from work to the E.R. for high blood pressure, high blood sugar, back pain, whatever.  His work did not take chances.  If they thought something could possibly be wrong, they sent him to the E.R.  And I understand that.  I also understand that he believes that he functions better and has more initiative when he takes Percocet.  Actually, it seems that way to me, too.  But to me, really, that just says that maybe there's something else out there that could make things better (and it isn't a narcotic!). 

I'm relieved.  When I know there is Percocet in the house, I get very anxious.  I end up being the Percocet police, keeping the Percocet under lock and key, and doling it out one at a time according to the instructions on the bottle.  If I just left the bottle for DH to use "as needed", he would (and actually has) take much more than the prescribed dose--once he took an entire bottle of 60 pills in 2 days--I don't know how he survived. And even though the "you might not get your disability if you keep this up" is a big incentive not to do that any more, I know addiction can be more powerful than that.  So it's nice to have a backup.   

Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

Somethings not working.

Well, we got the Abilify approved.  DH started back up on it.  I think we might've expected too much or something, but basically.....nothing happened.  Nothing.

His last paycheck was $65.00.  That's it.  And he now has enough "points" to lose his job, but because they like him, they are trying to give him one last chance.

While he was not on the Abilify, while things were messed up, I didn't expect much, because I knew that things were not going to be right.  It was back to the sitting around all day, nothing getting done, same old, same old...

When the Abilify finally went through, DH had been on a reduced dose of Lithium, and no Seroquel and no Abilify for 2 weeks.  He started back on the Abilify and we both expected positive changes.  But...

The diverticulitis does seem to be cleared up for now.  But he thinks he might be getting yet another cyst.  I'm sure some of these issues may be related to Percocet and/or poorly managed diabetes, but how can I/we get him back to the point where he would be interested in fixing stuff?  For a minute there, when he started taking the Abilify samples, I thought we might be there.....but.....

He sat around.  He did nothing.  As a matter of fact, things are so "out of whack" that DH even completely forgot that he was not out of Percocet and hasn't even been requesting them.   I caught him smoking in the house (even though that was a rule that has been in effect since before we got married, even).  He has completely (again) stopped caring about the Diabetes, even when I remind him of the possible ramifications.  And he's been getting mad at me again when I tell him we can't afford whatever it is that he wants at the moment.

He has a PDOC appointment today at 2pm.  We'll see what the Dr. says.....I know things aren't all that great right now, but I also know they were a lot worse before, too....I've got to be patient....or something.....

Right now I'm wondering how I'm going to make it another 10 days with $11.00 in the bank.  It'll work out somehow, I hope.  It usually does.

Abilify Saga

Not too long after we lost Tippy Toes, DH ran out of Abilify samples that he had gotten from his pdoc.  When he only had a couple of days worth of pills left, he called to get more, and they were out of samples.  So they gave him a prescription to bring to the pharmacy.

Unfortunately the pharmacy informed us that insurance would not pay for the pills, as the price comes out to around $15-20 PER PILL and of course they didn't want to shell that out.  And at $600 per month, there was no way that we could pay for it ourselves....DH's pdoc informed us that he was going to appeal that decision. In the meantime, we just had to wait and see.....

So there we sat.  The pdoc had reduced DH's Seroquel and also his Lithium, in response to DH being on Abilify.  And it had all been working out so good, he was getting out of bed, and what's even better than that, the Abilify had done something to make him less focused on himself and his own wants and needs and more focused on me and us.  And that was huge.  But with no Abilify and less Lithium and Seroquel, things got weird.

DH brought a bunch of stuff to the pawn shop to get money to buy fast food.  He even pawned an antique rifle that his friend Jim (the one who stayed at our house for so long, but who has helped us immensely) owned, it had belonged to Jim's grandfather, and DH pawned it to go to Dairy Queen.

He went to the liquor store and bought beer.

He started laying huge guilt trips on me when I didn't have (or didn't want to part with) the money that he wanted for (candy, ice cream, etc). 

When he had started the Abilify, he had started, for the first time, to check his blood sugar and he had started drinking diet pop (with the added motivation of the possibility of losing manly parts if he didn't).  But when the Abilify stopped, this stopped, too.

It was all very frustrating, because I just kept thinking "I cannot go through this again.  I am just not capable of doing this again."  And DH knew something was wrong (in moments of lucidity), but he was powerless to stop it, and except for those moments of lucidity, he did not see how bad things got so quickly.

It was a very scary time, topping off the loss of Tippy Toes, and very painful to me.

When we got the word that the appeal to the insurance company had been granted, it was a huge relief.  That was just two days ago.  DH had been off of Abilify and on lowered doses of Lithium and Seroquel for about 2 weeks.  He told me that he had even been thinking about trying to get a credit card(!) during that time.

Despite the fact that DH had made the decision(s) to pawn those items while he was "even less right than usual", I was not willing or able to help him unpawn them.  I have had it with bailing him out (at least directly out of my pocket), and I'm done with it.  He wasn't happy with that, but too bad.  He, of course, in his deluded state, had been sure that he could make enough money to get the items out of the pawn shop, and when he started to come back to reality a little, he realized he had made a huge mistake.  He had to come up with nearly $500 to get the stuff back.  Luckily for him (but not really lucky for me so much), just in the nick of time, he found out about a program that the place where he works offers--he could take out a $500 loan, no credit check required, and they would take $25 out of every paycheck until it was paid off.  So that is what he did. 

I'm so very tired of this pawn shop stuff.  I sat him down and we wrote up a contract that states that he will not bring any items (no matter who they belong to) to the pawnshop without talking it over with me first.  And he signed it.  I guess whether he sticks to it is dependent on where his mental health is at any given time, but usually, for DH, no matter his mental state, a promise is a promise, and breaking it is a big deal.  So I'm hoping, but being realistic about it, too.

The one good thing that came out of this (if you can call it good) is that for all the times DH has wondered if maybe he should just go off all of his meds because he really was a lot better when he was off them, well, this little experience showed us how things could go bad really fast without proper medication.

Well, it's been a while, but Mom has another UTI. She's back to the delusions about being shot/hung/hunted and she is once again refusing to eat. They did a UA and the bacteria in the UTI is enterococcus faecium, which is a very resistant bacteria and different from the last one she had (although that one was VRE also).

We've been presented with some options, none of which are good. There is only one oral (pill) antibiotic that is effective on this bacteria, Zyvox(?)....anyhow....the problem with that one (aside from the fact that it is not covered by insurance and costs $100 PER PILL<--not a typo--at 2 pills per day for 14 days) is that my mom is on two antidepressants that can interact with the antibiotic and cause a very bad side effect, "seratonin syndrome". Even if they take her off the antidepressants for 3-4 weeks prior to starting the antibiotic, there is still a chance that the interaction could occur.

Or....there are 4 or 5 antibiotics that could be given intravenously that would probably be effective. The problem with that is that the NH has several times now informed me that they WILL NOT administer IV antibiotics at the NH, so Mom would have to go to the hospital, which could make any improvement caused by the antibiotics a moot point, because she always gets so confused in the hospital...and even if some of the "hospital confusion" cleared up when she made it back to the nursing home, some of the confusion ALWAYS remains as yet another cognitive step down...the nursing home has also expressed doubt about whether my mom would pull out the IV or not, because she wouldn't remember/understand what it is. Yesterday, I talked to the nurse practitioner (a new one who has only been working there a month) and she said that if I insisted, they could do the IV antibiotics at the nursing home, but....so I'm clear on the fact that the nursing home does not want want to do the IV, but not clear on whether I could actually force the issue or not. And with any antibiotic use comes the possibility of C. Diff., which is a very bad infection where the antibiotic(s) basically kill all of the "good" bacteria in the gut and cause life-threatening diarrhea.... also...not to mention that if we did the IV antibiotics, she might get another UTI next week again and we'd be in the exact same place, except potentially broker and wiser....at this point, since it has really not appeared to be an option, I'm not sure if Mom's insurance would cover the IV/antibiotics or whether it would be out of pocket.

Or...we could do "nothing" and just try to support her and see if she can fight it off for a while....I asked the NP (who I do not like) what kind of prognosis we would have if we chose this option and she said "well, if/when it moves into her kidneys....about 2 weeks..."

I need information. But I don't even know who to ask....

Also, though, I have to add, that the RN's and LPN's at the nursing home--they have been so amazing--I cannot believe the support and understanding I've been getting during this--two nurses even went to the director of nursing to plead for the chance to do the IV at the nursing home (and were told no)....they are very upset that there doesn't appear to be anything "doable" and one of the nurses teared up when she told me how upset she'd be if it was her mom in this situation....If my mom has to be in a NH, and even though the higher ups aren't on my list of favorite people, the folks on the front lines (the aides and nurses) could not possibly be more compassionate and caring....


I called my brother to get his thoughts and he said "I guess I need to get working on...." and I thought for sure he was going to say "coming up to visit more often".....but you know what he said?  "all the funeral arrangements..."!--guess I won't be getting a lot of support from him....but I was hoping....


I honestly don't know what to do.  If anything.  I strongly suspect that this will be the last Mother's Day that I share with my mom.

Do you ever stop and shake your head???

I think I'm getting to that point, and I wouldn't be surprised if many of you are there already.  Could more crap just happen to me???? (slightly bitter laugh).  Of course.  I barely have time to get upset about the drama in my life any more, because the instant I adjust to something, something else happens.

Well, I managed to meet a deer on my way home from my "part time" job.  The deer, unfortunately, didn't live to tell the story (at least I'm pretty sure--she ran away but had to be hurt pretty bad) and neither did my car.  My little car is totalled.  The deer hit on the hood, slid up the hood, went partially through the windshield (shattered the glass and added big hole) and also managed to dent the roof of the car.  Due to the 180 mile round trip commute that came with my prior full time position, my wonderful little car had 275,000 miles on it.  So I'm not probably going to get enough insurance money to get another car like it....and I'm sad.  I really liked that car.

So DH and I have been sharing a car (not easy, but apparently mostly doable) until I get the insurance check and we can go car shopping.  I've been looking on line to see if I can find a car that comes close to what I had.....my car was a 2004 Toyota Corolla--and I'm getting about $4500 for it.....it's not looking good :-(

I'm ready for something good to happen.  I'm only half serious there, though....because interspersed with all this dramatic bad stuff, there have been a LOT of blessings--I'm ok, for one....just some glass slivers.....and happy that I didn't, in the name of penny-pinching, decide to drop the collision insurance on the car....and like my mom--she actually is pretty comfortable in the nursing home.  I guess it just was time....?  And DH's job--if he wasn't working, I don't know how I'd get the propane tank filled for winter....and even more small blessings.....so I know I shouldn't complain.  But jeez--most people I know only have one big thing like this happen at a time, you know?????  Not like an entire lifetime of crises in just a couple of years.....I want to be one of those "one crisis at a time" folks!

If it's not one thing, it's another!

I know you weren't expecting this, neither was I, of course, but DH is in the hospital. Two nights ago, he told me (and this might be too much information, but I'll tell you anyhow), that there was a huge lump in his scrotum and it was growing fast and it hurt so bad he could barely walk. He felt like he needed to go to the emergency room. I tried to get him to wait until Monday (another hospital bill--just what we need....sigh) and he said that he couldn't wait. I was inclined to believe him, even though I didn't want to, because I figured if it was drama, he would've been having back pain again, not pain THERE.

So anyhow, it turns out that he has a serious infection and had he not gone in when he did, it could have been life-threatening. They're giving him those super-antibiotics to try to kill the infection but they're not working so far. A urologist is making a special trip to see him tomorrow to determine if they are going to need to do surgery to get the infection out of there.

Yesterday and the day before, he was his normal self, only in a lot of pain and a little spacey from the pain drugs they were giving him. Today, he can't stay awake for more than ten seconds. I couldn't even get him to stay awake long enough to drink a glass of juice. The doctors are concerned enough to change the pain meds, but nobody seems sure of what is going on today and why DH can't wake up.

Also, the nurse told me that they took a chest xray today to see if maybe he was having pneumonia or something else going on, and I asked her if it was clear and she looked it up on the computer in his room and started to explain to me that "there's a little...something....and it's easy to treat....." and then she decided to have a respiratory therapist come up and explain that to me. That's who I'm waiting for now.

I'm a lot more worried today than I was yesterday. I guess an infection in the scrotum is a hugely big deal. Dang it, why can't we just go for a year or two without any health crises????

Whew. This is hard.

Today I had two "workshops" for the "to-be-laid-off-soon" folks in my company. One was an "emotions are ok" and "your feelings are normal" class. That was the first time I saw some of the other people who got the axe. OMG. People I've worked with the entire time I've been there. People who trained me. One lady has put in 33 years, and only had two more years until retirement. It was very sad, but also it was (not sure of the word) (good? no) anyhow, I was relieved to see all of these other people there, because I didn't feel so alone.

The second one was a "we'll help you do your resume" one, and that one was sad, too.

So now I'm just basically feeling hopeless and depressed. I emailed out a bunch of resumes just so I could have some "irons in the fire". But really, what do I want to do? Do I want another corporate job with a 2 hour commute? Or a minimum wage job closer to home?

And DH. He says he is going to go out on Monday and find a job. I really hope that is true, because this will not work without him working. That's it, plain and simple. I'll have to file for bankruptcy unless he can start contributing. And even then I might have to. That's scary. And the thought that DH might end up with no health insurance, that is scary, too. It's all terrifying, and tonite I am not having any of that "It's a new opportunity" stuff. I'm scared that I've worked so very hard to keep it all together, and now just when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out to be a train.

I'm really stuck in this pity party. And I think that having to come to work every day and relive it all again is definitely not helping me get past this. Someone else in one of the classes today commented on that, it's heartbreaking. None of my coworkers who didn't get laid off know what to say to me, and I don't know what to say to anyone, laid off or not. Very awkward.

Oh. And to top it all off???? Yesterday morning I was feeding all the animals and I realized the water pressure was very very low. So I went into the basement to see if maybe the water softener was turned off or something weird, and the water heater was spraying water all over the basement. (Don't worry, it's unfinished, no water damage, just financial damage)....and where on earth would a new water heater come from? I'm still not sure, but DH's mom has volunteered to get us one for Christmas. So there goes the humility thing again, but it's like the tires....really gotta have it, if at all possible....

Things are so rotten, I just want to say "Bah, Humbug!" "How dare Christmas come when I'm feeling like this?"

On Christmas Eve, we usually get together and play party games--I'm in charge of the games and the prizes. This year it's been hard to care. I've really gotta get on the ball.

H1N1--DH hospitalized

Well, DH did not go to the hospital, and he tried to avoid going to the clinic this morning, too, saying he'd be "fine". But I could hear him wheezing, it sounded like he was having an asthma attack. So I made him go in. So much for avoiding the E.R., by the time I got him to do something, the clinic was booked for the day, so we HAD to go to the E.R.

They did three nebulizer (breathing) treatments and they didn't work. So they started giving him steroids via I.V. and did blood work and X-rays. When I talked to the Dr., he said that basically everything has been ruled out except H1N1. They did a swab test but they said they have to send it to the CDC(?) so it could be a couple of days before they get results back. I get the impression that our small town hospital was very prepared for H1N1 but hasn't seen too many cases yet.

DH has been admitted to the hospital because they can't get his breathing under control. I just called there and they're trying another nebulizer treatment.

I'm at work because I don't have much vacation time left (I used a lot when my mom was sick not too long ago, and she's not doing all that great now) and I don't want to use it all up.

DD's pca has agreed to stay with her, so she won't be alone and someone will be there to let out the dogs.....

I'm worried about DH. I've never seen him this sick. But I do know he's in good hands...

And a little nervous about myself. I don't have any symptoms that I know of, but I can't afford to get sick like that. I just can't.

Called home

I was sitting here (at work) worrying about DH. So I risked waking him up and called him just to tell him to go in to the E.R. if he has to, a hospital bill is not THAT big of a deal--and a bill I can't pay, not all that unusual....he said he would go if he had to. He said he took some Nyquil and was going to try to sleep. I'm worried that he has H1N1 (swine flu), but he didn't have a fever....? I know he must really be sick if he hasn't been smoking.....that's scary in itself--because he is SO addicted!

So I told him that if he makes it through the night, he needed to go to the clinic asap in the morning. He pretended like I was being bossy, but said he would.

I'll keep you posted (probably not until tomorrow, though, as I'm leaving work in about an hour).

What's worse than a bipolar hubby?

Answer: A bipolar hubby who's got a bad cold.

DH is sick. I know he's miserable. It started on Saturday, and it seems to be getting worse. He's been coughing up a storm, and all congested. But up until today, that didn't stop him from putting cigarette smoke into his lungs :P

Most of the time it's tough for me to know how sick he really is. And I can't tell by the fact that he isn't doing much around the house, because he ALWAYS doesn't do much around the house. All I can do is go by his complaints most of the time.

But right now I think he is pretty sick. He's not even smoking any more.

I took his temperature yesterday--he felt warm to me, but the thermometer said "no fever". "Swine flu" involves a fever, doesn't it?

So, I just got done talking with him. He sounds terrible. He can't stop coughing. He says his chest really hurts bad, and I can tell, from talking to him on the phone, that he's having a hard time breathing. I want to tell him to go to the E.R. It sounds that bad. But instead, I tell him to see if he can make it until morning, and go in right away.

See, if he goes to the E.R. tonite, it's a $60.00 copay just to walk in the door, plus we have to pay for 20% of whatever it costs. So if the E.R. visit costs $3,000, then we have to come up with $60 PLUS $600 (20%). If he can make it until morning, and go to the clinic, it'll cost $20.00 for a copay, and the X-rays and all the tests will be covered.

So now I'm sitting here rethinking what I told him. Is he going to have the common sense to go in if he needs to, or is he going to try to stay home because I told him to? I think I was clear when I said to go in if he needed to, but see if he could make it until morming....? And if I call him to clarify (at midnight), am I going to wake him up and make him feel bad again....?

It really sucks to be in that position. And I know we're not the only ones. We're very lucky that I have insurance at all. But that doesn't help when all these copays/coinsurance make it tough to "buck up" and go to the hospital. I really think he needs to go. But I'm scared that I won't be able to pay that bill.

Bipolar Abilify X2 (or 3)

Well, we went to see the PDOC and told him about how at first DH was almost manic, doing all sorts of things, then he started having more mood swings, and then how he just started sitting around again.

The PDOC decided that DH wasn't on enough Abilify (5 mg) so he decided to double the dose to 10mg. He said that after 2 weeks, if DH still wasn't doing "wonderful", then he should go up to 15mg. I'm a little skeptical, but this PDOC seems to know his stuff, so I'll trust him, I guess....

Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up the Abilify. YIKES. Cash price-$545.00 <--not a typo!!!!!

With the insurance copay, a month's supply cost $75. The last time I went to pick up medications at the pharmacy, it was $245.00, and that wasn't for the whole month. I've worked so hard to get the price of his meds down. When my health insurance changed the way they do copays, DH's meds were going to be about $900/month, but now we've got them "down" to $245(!). I have no idea where that extra $75 is going to come from. All I can do is keep telling myself that if DH gets better, maybe he'll get a job, or get on disability or something, and the benefits (pay) will outweigh the costs.

I can only hope!

Typing as fast as I can....

Hi everyone, I'm sorry again that it's been so long between posts--there's been so much going on, I haven't really had time to keep you all up to date--but I'm going to try to remedy that tonite...

As you remember, DH had spent his mom's money at the casino. After he told me, I told him I didn't have the money to help him--it was a little bit of a lie, because I had the money, but it would've meant not getting our chimney cleaned this year again (last year we couldn't afford it either)...

So he "manned up" and actually called his mom and told her what he had done. "Needless to say," she wasn't exactly thrilled. I guess she gave him an earful about how he needs to sign up for Social Security Disability and how I work all the time and all he does is lay around and spend money....and then she wired him(via Western Union) some more money so that he could go to her house this past weekend. He was sufficiently chastened to where he did not spend that money on anything other than what it was intended for. I haven't heard the "spend" in his voice since the night he went to the casino.

We got a hold of the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds and she called the psychiatrist and they decided to raise DH's dose of Lamictal. Hopefully that is a good thing.

Anyhow....so DH was going to his mom's for the weekend. He left on Friday--I told him to call me when he got to his mom's. When it got to be after Midnight, I started to get a little worried, but not much, because I figured he had just forgotten to call. I planned on calling him before I went to bed. At 2:30am the phone rang: "I'm in the hospital. I was driving and I hit a log and the truck flew up and landed and then my back really hurt bad, so bad I drove myself to the hospital." I was worried, but they had already done a scan and determined that nothing was broken...

This is where I get so confused...there obviously was a "physical" cause for the back pain. But given his recent mental state, I still am not sure how much was "mental" pain and how much was due to hitting the log....DH was in that hospital for 2 days. I will have to pay 20% of that bill and I am dreading it. His mom was really disappointed, because there she was, out that gas money AGAIN and she still didn't get the work done that he's been promising....but I know she was worried, too. I think, that since DH has been spending this time at her place, she is starting to have a better idea that he's not the same person he used to be....

Anyhow, DH came home on Monday, to our house. We went for a drive, and here is what he told me:

"I have something I need to tell you. I'm afraid to tell you, but you're the only one I can be straight with. You know, all my life, I've been an excellent driver. I was a truck driver when you met me. I've gotten us out of some pretty scary situations driving-wise. And what I'm going to say is freaking me out. You know that log I hit? I saw it. I had enough time to get out of the way. I even had time to figure out that I could 'straddle' the log and not hit it. But I didn't do anything. I can't figure out why. I don't know if I hit the log on purpose? That's really scaring me, because that would be such a selfish thing to do. Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to do that work at my mom's? Or maybe I just wanted to see what would happen? I was going 70 miles an hour. Why didn't I swerve to avoid that log?" "I wish I could remember what was going through my mind."

This has worried me more than I let on to DH. Based on what he told me, he has no idea why he hit that log and is confident that he could have avoided the accident. I don't know what to think. And since he got home, he's been complaining of nausea and (of course) back pain and just lying around again. I can't remember how long it takes for the Lamictal to take effect, so I'm not sure if I should wait to panic or not....The truck had no damage. My pocketbook will be damaged, I'm not sure how I'll pay that bill....I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there....

I don't know what to call this post.

I think it's all catching up to me. All I've done all weekend is sleep....I get up, go to the store for my mom, then I go back to sleep. And I'm back to work now, but I still don't feel rested. In fact, I need to stop at WalMart to get some dog food, and I'm trying to tell myself that I'm too tired. (But even if I am, I've really got to go. With 6 dogs, we buy the Old Roy kibble for $15.48 for a 44 lb bag. In the town where I live, the cheapest dog food is $16 for a 20 lb bag. The only time I'm near WalMart without making a special trip is when I'm at work, so no matter how tired I am, I have to get the dog food after work. Saving that money is worth it, though, when I think about it that way....

I was going to tell you that tonite on my way to work, I did forget to bring some important papers that were due. So DH made a special trip to bring them to me, I think he felt good, being needed like that....then he called me and told me he had scooped the cat boxes, folded all the laundry(!), changed the sheets on the bed, vaccuumed, and now he was going to take a shower. I can't remember the last time he took a shower--he doesn't smell bad, but I think that's the deodorant....I think he took a shower a week or two ago....this was very exciting to me, that he had done all of this!!! I try not to pressure him, because I never needed to pressure him about this kind of stuff before he got sick...

So after he took a shower, here's the call I got: "When I brought all those papers down to you, I was thinking, and it might change tomorrow or the next day, but right now I am thinking I am ready to go back to work. I started thinking about it, and I'm not nervous about it at all tonite. I'm going to call the jobs guy on Monday."

I really got excited, thinking "way cool", another great step, etc....but then I remembered, I'm tired. I've been sleeping all weekend. DH noticed it and told me I'm burned out. I told him that might be the case, but it might not be. Now I'm wondering if he's trying to force himself to go back to work because he thinks I'm burned out, or if he's really feeling good. Part of me thinks he wouldn't have done all those chores if he wasn't feeling good, but the other part of me, who's listened to DH for nearly a year now, saying what a worthless piece of **** he is, that part still wonders....

Oh, and one of DH's meds went from being a name-brand to a generic this month!!!! Might not seem like a big deal, but it'll save us about $120 a month.....Yayyyy!!! I used the extra $120 to put towards DH's dentist bill that I have been struggling to pay. That felt good. Now we only owe $262. That shouldn't be too tough, right? I hope!

And I'm tired. I'm sorry I haven't been posting much this weekend, I've been sleeping.

Bipolar Tragedy

I was just getting ready to sign off when I ran across this story and it sounded like DH in a lot of ways (although to the best of my knowledge he has never wanted to hurt anyone else). DH was also being treated by mental health professionals, had insurance and a supportive (I think, anyhow) family and it still took a LOT for someone to finally actually see him as bipolar. I have worried about my and DD's safety when he has been suicidal, because he promises me that he won't hurt himself, then he would say things like "I could never leave you". I hope those days are behind us now, with the proper diagnosis. My heart goes out to this family--there but for the grace of God go I...

Undiagnosed Bipolar Illness Leads to Murder


Family's 'Perfect Life' Shattered
Father With Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder Murders Children
By ALISON LYNN
June 4, 2008—

Every Saturday morning, Kim Crespi gets in her car for the 90-mile trip from her home outside Charlotte, N.C., to the maximum security prison where her 46-year-old husband, David, will spend the rest of his life.

Like thousands of other wives whose husbands are in prison, Kim cherishes the few hours she and her husband have together, sharing news about their children, their church and their friends. But what makes these visits unusual and the bond between Kim and David different is that David is serving a life sentence for murdering their twin daughters.

Watch the story Friday on "20/20" at 10 p.m. ET

Kim Crespi reminisced about happier times, saying, "It was a house of love, peace and fun. We had a perfect life."

Married for 12 years, the Crespis had five children. The youngest were identical twin girls, 5-year-old Tessara and Samantha.

"Tess and Sam were precious to us," recalled David. "They were incredible. They were a gift. I mean, we were just so thrilled to have them."

The Crespis lived in a large home in a fast-growing suburb outside Charlotte. David had a high-powered job as a vice president at Wachovia Bank while his wife stayed home to raise their large family.

"I had the American dream," said David.

But he also harbored a dark secret that destroyed it all.


Severe Depression
In his late 20s, David suffered his first episode of severe depression. During the course of more than 10 years, he says he sought help from psychiatrists who treated him with therapy and antidepressants. His depression sometimes became so acute that despite being a devout Catholic, David attempted suicide.

"I did certain things where I attempted to take my own life -- running a car in the garage. I hung off a bridge in California," he said.

The attempts stopped after his wife, Kim, made him promise not to kill himself. But David said his thoughts continued to focus on death. "I thought about killing other people. They were irrational, random, crazy thoughts that horrify me."

Terrified by dark thoughts that he believed were not real, David did not share them with his wife or doctors. That turned out to be a tragic mistake.

"He never told them what he wanted to do to his family," says Mecklenburg County homicide prosecutor Marsha Goodenow. "He alone could have stopped what he did to this family if he'd just told somebody what he was thinking or feeling."


Dark Thoughts, Dark Actions
On Jan. 20, 2006, Kim and David were home with Tessara and Samantha. The girls weren't feeling well and had stayed home from kindergarten that day. David was depressed and unable to go to work. He agreed to watch the girls while his wife went out to get her hair done.

According to David, it all seemed like a sign. "And it just came to me. There is no future. There is nothing. And that's the way it's all aligned for them to die."

The twins asked their father to play hide and seek. By the time Kim arrived home, her husband had stabbed her daughters to death, and he was in police custody. In his confession later that day, David admitted to the crimes and told police that the sprinklers had instructed him to dial 911. He was placed on suicide watch and prison psychologists later diagnosed him as having bipolar disorder.


Missed diagnosis
Despite the fact that he was being treated by mental health professionals, had mental health insurance to pay for the treatment and had a supportive family and employer, David's bipolar disorder went undiagnosed for years. Ironically, it wasn't until he was incarcerated that his illness was finally diagnosed. "The best psychiatric care I have got in my life has been in this prison," David said.

His experience is not unusual. According to a study conducted in 2001 by the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, a mental health advocacy group, it takes an average of 10 years and four different doctors for a patient to be correctly diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

What is atypical is how David's illness manifested itself in violent deaths. "The occurrence of aggression and violence is not as common as one might fear. And, in fact, homicide is relatively unusual in bipolar disorder," said Dr. Maria Oquendo, a psychiatrist at Columbia University's School of Medicine who specializes in the disorder. She says bipolar patients are much more likely to harm themselves than others.

Oquendo cautions that there are times when a parent suffering from bipolar disorder, feels hopeless and suicidal, and their children could be at risk. "They feel that they don't want to abandon their children, so they will, quote, 'Take their children with them.'"


Forgiveness
Today the Crespi family still lives in the house where the twins died. Their mother Kim finds comfort in the rooms where they lived and played. "We get to live with the angels," said Kim tearfully. "Sam and Tess, our saints, the angels are always there. I feel nothing but love here."

Kim perseveres through her faith and her undying love for her husband and still feels that she "married my soul mate. And Dave needs me so there's lots of reasons to get up in the morning and see what God has for us, you know?"

But for Kim's weekly visits David Crespi is virtually alone with the pictures of his slain twin daughters lining the walls of his 8-by-12 cell. "I loved them dearly. And I miss them. And my life and the lives of other people I love will never be the same."


Copyright © 2008 ABC News Internet Ventures

What I found out today

Now I'm not sure if you all know this or not, but DH goes to see his therapist every week. For a while there, before they gave him the Lithium, he was going to DBT (Dialectical behavioral therapy) once a week also. When DH first started going to therapy, they charged him a $20 copay. They made quite a big deal of it, and if he got behind more than one week, they refused to let him schedule any more appointments. One time (surprise) he bounced one of his own checks (this was when he was still working) for a copay for therapy. Then they wouldn't take his checks any more, but they still insisted on the $20 copay, or no more appointments. That $20 every week was very hard to come up with at the time, as it has taken me a year and a half (right up until about two months ago) to finally be able to pay the bills and not have to do the "which one will we pay this month" thing. But at some point, they didn't ask for the copay any more. DH speculated that it was because he wasn't working, and perhaps his income ($0) qualified him for reduced fee(s)?

I have to admit, I didn't press very hard to find out more about this at the time. If they didn't ask DH for the money, and he still got to go to therapy every week, then it was much easier for me. LOL. Let this be a lesson to all of you who prefer to "pay later". I kind of knew, in the back of my head, but hoped I was wrong.

But today, DH was informed that he has a $720 bill for unpaid copays. And not only that, but they will no longer allow him to make appointments without having made the copay right then and there. Argh. I am hoping that I can work something out with them that will be gentle. This is my own "head in the sand" fault, really. And the bankruptcy attorney has said that this bill is probably going to get put on my shoulders because if DH claims it in his bankruptcy, he probably won't be able to go to therapy there any more, and we can't have that, at least not until he's really, really stable....another day, another bill, right?

House to Vote on Mental Health Parity Bill

Please call your representative and urge them to vote for this bill.
I strongly believe that DH would have been hospitalized longer, if it wasn't for his insurance. The psychiatrist in the hospital begged the insurance company to allow DH to stay, but they refused, so he came home. I believe that much of the pain we endured this past year could have been avoided if he had been able to stay long enough for the hospital to determine that his mental illness was "stable".

House To Vote On Mental Health Parity Bill

WASHINGTON (AP) ― The House is scheduled to vote Wednesday on mental health parity legislation named for the late Sen. Paul Wellstone that would require equal health insurance coverage for mental and physical illnesses when policies cover both.

"I cannot emphasize enough how historic this vote will be," said Wellstone's son, David Wellstone, in a letter to activists. "For five years, I have heard promise after promise that Congress will pass mental health parity legislation in my father's honor."

Paul Wellstone, a Minnesota Democrat who championed mental health parity for years, was killed in a plane crash in 2002. David Wellstone is urging people to contact House members on the eve of the vote Tuesday to rally support for the bill, called the "The Paul Wellstone Mental Health and Addiction Equity Act."

In 1996, Paul Wellstone and Sen. Pete Domenici, R-N.M., won passage of a law banning plans that offer mental health coverage from setting lower annual and lifetime spending limits for mental treatments than for physical ailments.

The House legislation -- and a mental health parity bill that the Senate passed last year -- build on that by adding things like co-payments, deductibles and treatment limitations, a longtime goal of Wellstone's. But David Wellstone calls the House bill stronger.

The House bill is sponsored by Reps. Patrick Kennedy, D-R.I., who has battled depression, alcoholism and drug abuse, and Jim Ramstad, R-Minn., a recovering alcoholic. Ramstad plans to retire at the end of the year, but has said he wants to see the bill passed before he goes.

David Wellstone said he'll be in Washington next week to lobby for the bill.

#$%&*#@##$!! Enter your own swear word here.

He just called me. He's at the hospital. Getting a pain reliever shot for his back.
Only I know and on a good day he knows, that it's not his back that's the problem.

He goes to the hospital for this stuff when he's depressed. And it costs me $60 a pop for an E.R. visit. He did not try anything to relieve the depression, like all of his "people" have told him to do.

I know he believes this pain is real. But there's a pattern to it, and he is unable to see it. He never has back pain before he is depressed. He gets the back pain after he is depressed. Then he goes to the E.R. and gets all hopped up on narcotics and "feels better". The last time this happened, before he was hospitalized for mental illness, he was given the maximum dose of Dilaudid for his back, and it "didn't do any good". Of course not. You can't "dilaudid" depression.

When he is "my DH", he readily admits that there is a definite psychological connection between "back pain" and depression/mental health symptoms. But when he is not "my DH", he doesn't even hear me when I remind him about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not pooh-poohing DH's back pain. But he's had every test imaginable, and lots of pain treatments that people usually only get when they're about to die of cancer, and still, the only thing that relieves his pain is relieving his depression.

I may have noted that it has now been almost a year since he's "needed" to go to the E.R. for this reason. Coincidentally, it's been almost a year since he was hospitalized for three weeks due to his mental illness. Apparently a big step backwards was taken tonite, and I'm so disappointed I could just cry.

And this little voice keeps popping in to my brain to say, "how much longer are you going to put yourself through this?" Right now, that's not a question I can honestly answer.

Perspective is a good thing to have....

I've mentioned before about my friend Anita, who lost her husband of 28 years back in December. Joe (her DH), was a Vietnam vet, and for as long as I've known Anita, he never had a job. (In retrospect, I realize that he also probably had some mental health issues, but all I ever really saw with my own eyes was that he didn't work, and he drank a lot of beer.)

I remember back when I first met Anita, she was so short of cash all the time, she would work any extra hours she could, and she was very frugal. When I met her, she had just bought their house for $60,000 (a pretty big sum, considering that I bought my first house a year later for $35,900). For quite a while I didn't realize that Joe didn't work. When I did come to know that, I assumed that it was temporary. As I watched Anita struggle, and scrimp and save, I realized that Joe wasn't going back to work, and that somehow, Anita had managed to accept this (at least on some level).

As Anita and I got to be better friends, once in a while she would make a little remark about Joe not working, kind of like "Well, I got a new bookshelf two weeks ago, Joe said he'd put it together, but it's still sitting in the living room in the box...you'd think with all the time he has, that he could at least get around to that..." But that was the closest she ever came to complaining about him....she didn't rant about him at all, as opposed to the way I rant on here about my own DH.

Anyhow, when we still were thinking that Joe was going to recover from his cancer, my DH had stopped working, and somehow I mentioned it to Anita, although I try not to let too many people know what's been going on. When she seemed saddened by the fact that DH wasn't working, I told her that I knew she had done just fine even with Joe not working, and if she could do it, so could I. She made a comment that basically (to paraphrase), said: "it's a really sucky situation to be in." I was kind of surprised, because I had been friends with her for 17 or 18 years at that point, and it kind of seemed to me that she would have accepted Joe not working by then. But I didn't dwell on it too much, he was sick at that point, and he wouldn't have been working no matter what.

Joe passed away in December. Anita talked to me a little about the life insurance money, and about how she was spending so much less on health insurance now. I wasn't sure what she was getting at, so I didn't add much to the discussion. I remembered how broke she had been for so long, and I was happy that she was not struggling financially as much as she had in the past.

A few days later, she was talking about some of Joe's hospital bills, and again she touched on how she has a lot more money now than she did before (when Joe was alive). She told me that they went out to eat a lot more when he was well, and of course, she bought his cigs and beer, and she gave him $25 a week in spending money, too. Since this was the second time she had brought up how much better she was doing financially, I figured it was safe to comment. Probably not a etiquette-wise decision, but sometimes my mouth overrules "what should be appropriate".

And I said something like this: "It must be a relief to have some money in your pocket and not have to worry about your finances so much."

And she got a really sad look on her face and said something like this: "Yeah, but it's nice to be able to share money with someone, too."

When she said that, I thought about DH, and realized that in that sense, she was absolutely right. I still love him very much. (I would like to divorce "That Guy", but he's kind of like extra baggage that comes along, so if I want DH at this point, I have to have "That Guy" once in a while, too.) When I think about the things that are important to me in a husband, I never wish I had done something differently (i.e., married someone else, or not gotten married at that time, etc.), I always think of DH and how he was when we were dating, and how the first several years of our marriage was, it was a dream come true. And I never wish for anything different except for "That Guy" to go away, and for DH to recover from his illness. I don't mind sharing my money with him, I don't mind working so hard because of all this stuff that has happened, and I know I would be very lonely without him. And Anita's words kind of hit home with me, and reminded me of that fact. I do love him, in spite of it all, and I hope that someday we will both be able to look back at all of this and marvel at how we ever made it....