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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Typing as fast as I can....

Hi everyone, I'm sorry again that it's been so long between posts--there's been so much going on, I haven't really had time to keep you all up to date--but I'm going to try to remedy that tonite...

As you remember, DH had spent his mom's money at the casino. After he told me, I told him I didn't have the money to help him--it was a little bit of a lie, because I had the money, but it would've meant not getting our chimney cleaned this year again (last year we couldn't afford it either)...

So he "manned up" and actually called his mom and told her what he had done. "Needless to say," she wasn't exactly thrilled. I guess she gave him an earful about how he needs to sign up for Social Security Disability and how I work all the time and all he does is lay around and spend money....and then she wired him(via Western Union) some more money so that he could go to her house this past weekend. He was sufficiently chastened to where he did not spend that money on anything other than what it was intended for. I haven't heard the "spend" in his voice since the night he went to the casino.

We got a hold of the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds and she called the psychiatrist and they decided to raise DH's dose of Lamictal. Hopefully that is a good thing.

Anyhow....so DH was going to his mom's for the weekend. He left on Friday--I told him to call me when he got to his mom's. When it got to be after Midnight, I started to get a little worried, but not much, because I figured he had just forgotten to call. I planned on calling him before I went to bed. At 2:30am the phone rang: "I'm in the hospital. I was driving and I hit a log and the truck flew up and landed and then my back really hurt bad, so bad I drove myself to the hospital." I was worried, but they had already done a scan and determined that nothing was broken...

This is where I get so confused...there obviously was a "physical" cause for the back pain. But given his recent mental state, I still am not sure how much was "mental" pain and how much was due to hitting the log....DH was in that hospital for 2 days. I will have to pay 20% of that bill and I am dreading it. His mom was really disappointed, because there she was, out that gas money AGAIN and she still didn't get the work done that he's been promising....but I know she was worried, too. I think, that since DH has been spending this time at her place, she is starting to have a better idea that he's not the same person he used to be....

Anyhow, DH came home on Monday, to our house. We went for a drive, and here is what he told me:

"I have something I need to tell you. I'm afraid to tell you, but you're the only one I can be straight with. You know, all my life, I've been an excellent driver. I was a truck driver when you met me. I've gotten us out of some pretty scary situations driving-wise. And what I'm going to say is freaking me out. You know that log I hit? I saw it. I had enough time to get out of the way. I even had time to figure out that I could 'straddle' the log and not hit it. But I didn't do anything. I can't figure out why. I don't know if I hit the log on purpose? That's really scaring me, because that would be such a selfish thing to do. Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to do that work at my mom's? Or maybe I just wanted to see what would happen? I was going 70 miles an hour. Why didn't I swerve to avoid that log?" "I wish I could remember what was going through my mind."

This has worried me more than I let on to DH. Based on what he told me, he has no idea why he hit that log and is confident that he could have avoided the accident. I don't know what to think. And since he got home, he's been complaining of nausea and (of course) back pain and just lying around again. I can't remember how long it takes for the Lamictal to take effect, so I'm not sure if I should wait to panic or not....The truck had no damage. My pocketbook will be damaged, I'm not sure how I'll pay that bill....I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there....

4 comments:

Ann said...

I am so sorry to hear that, I cannot imagine what it would be like to hear that from my husband. I hope the Lamictal starts working soon. Is he also on a mild or low dose of an antidepressant?

Lorna said...

Carol, i'm so sorry to hear things aren't great. I hope the incresed dose of lamictal helps him.

It's funny the crashing the car thing. The way Rob speaks about his is stragely familiar. When he found himself heading towards a wall at 60mph, he had time to at least do something, and even if he couldn't turn he could have slowed down before impact. He chose to do nothing, and said part of him wanted to see what would happen and chose to let what will be, be. The car was a write off, the air bag went off but he was unharmed. The accident seemed to propell him back into the mania which he was starting to descend from. Unfortunately it made him feel like he was omnipontant and untouchable, and he wanted to do it again to prove it (he didn't fortunately).

I just find it strange that your DH and mine both decided to do nothing and see what happened, an strange sense of wanting to mess with their mortality somehow?

I hope he recovers soon both mentally and physically x x x

Blactress24 said...

Hi,

I thought I would leave a comment, although to be honest I am not too sure what to say - I find your story so comeplling.

Thank God your husband did not hurt himself seriously!

When I found your blog, I was up until 4 am in the morning reading all the old blogs.

I wish I could say something of more substance or comfort - but I wish you all the best xxxxx

perphila said...

It is a good thing he was able to feel he could tell you what he was and is feeling despite how hard as it is for you to hear. That alone says a lot. Stories like that sadly are common. Sean did the same thing with Will's bike. He rode fast and hard without trying to miss huge roots on the fire road. Eventually he wiped out and broke the bike but thankfully not his skull. (no helmet either) It was about "seeing what would happen". You are doing all the right things. He is being open with you and he is getting his meds adjusted. I would be sure to fill in his doctors of anything major and this is certainly one of those times. Even if he hadn't said anything the accident alone will have a huge impact.