Bipolar Hedonist

DH's therapist hit it right on the head. "You are one of the biggest hedonists I have ever met."
Wow. I never really knew there was a word for it. But, if you're not sure what it means, a hedonist is "a person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification." That's DH. Since about 2005 it's been "all about DH, all the time". And if, in the process of making himself feel good, he can make me happy too, then so be it. But most of the time, it's just all about him. And food to make him feel good. And cigarettes (I don't remember if I told you that I require that he roll his own cigarettes now but I still buy the tobacco). And candy. And pop. And money. And anything else, apparently, that he can do to make himself feel good.
I could tell that it bothered DH to hear this about himself. I could also tell that he was expecting me to say something like "well, that's not really true..." But what I said was "Wow! He's got it! And he figured that out in 4 weeks? It took me a lot longer than that!" Hehe. I shouldn't laugh, but really....that therapist must be a sharpie!
I've been trying (in a gentle way) to ask myself what that says about me. Maybe I have a martyr complex. Maybe I'm just so laid back I don't care. Or maybe I just choose to believe that he can't help it and it's his mental illness.
See, that's the problem I have all the time--which of his behaviors are choices he makes, and which ones are due to his mental illness and can't be helped? I really struggle with this, nearly every day. I wish I could talk to that therapist of his. But I'm sure that'd be a conflict of interest.

DH stable again (kind of)

Well now that DH has been officially restored to his "regular" dose of Lithium by the pdoc, things have gotten somewhat back to normal.  He's still on the higher dose of Abilify, and that seems to be helping his motivation too.  In his appointment, the pdoc said "Your case is one of the trickiest I've seen.  You are on high doses of several drugs and there aren't a lot left to try.  I've worried that as you grow older, this combination won't be as effective as it has been.  Clearly, reducing your Lithium was not a good change.  We need to hope this works, because I'm kind of at a loss here."  That was a scary thing to hear from the pdoc who (as I found out when I googled him last weekend to see what hospital to call) is a state-renowned expert.

So I'd like to report that all is well.  And surprisingly a lot of things are.  DH's paycheck this week was $91.00 (frankly, I can't believe he's actually still employed at all).  That's quite a drop from the $400 and $500 paychecks he was receiving a couple of months ago.  But compared to lean times in the past, DH has been surprisingly understanding about how little money we have.  In the past, he would be begging me to bring him out to eat, buy him pop, buy him cigarettes....and this time, he seems to have a better understanding that those are luxuries and there is no money for that.  That's been a relief for me, because before, when we were broke, and he kept begging for stuff that I couldn't buy, I always felt kind of bad for not being able to make him happy (but intellectually I recognized that there was no way I could).  So his new attitude has taken a little of the pressure off of me.

So what's the catch?  Things are great, right?

Well, some of you who've been reading this blog for a long time might have already guessed:  Last week, DH's "back went out" and he made yet another trip to the E.R., which resulted in yet another bottle of Percocet.  I'm not sure how or why, but I'm sure it's the Percocet that's responsible for DH's improved attitude.  I'm still doling out the pills, I keep the bottle in my safe and he can only have 2 or 3 pills a day, but as soon as he started taking them, once again, he was more easy-going, more ambitious and more alert.  Once again he's concerned about his blood sugar, and has started to try to take some little steps to try to lose weight. I had mentioned this to the pdoc, thinking that maybe there was something similar in the world of psychotropic meds that could bring about a permanent change without the addictive narcotic, but the pdoc was just as puzzled as I am and didn't offer suggestions. 

I know he's got a dependency problem.  And it makes me angry.  But really, things are so much better when he's taking them, I get all mixed up when I think about it.  If he's on Percocet, there's a better chance that he'll go to work, and we'll be able to pay the bills.  There's a better chance that he'll pay attention to his blood sugar, and that will enhance the quality of life for both of us.  But there's that addiction thing.  And shouldn't he be able to achieve these things without a narcotic to prop him up?  I don't know the answer.

I hate Percocet.  And once again I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

You are all going to say "I told you so".....

Once again I failed to account for DH's perpetual font of creativity related to spending money.  I am clearly a slow learner and apparently not mean enough, either.

DH has a friend who is "laid off" (but didn't actually work at the job long enough to get unemployment.  So one day a couple of weeks ago, DH asked me if "someday, maybe we could get friend to come out and help with the lawn (which actually makes most foreclosed houses look really good), seeing as how he needs money and all...."  And I said "yes, someday.  But right now is not a good time."  And then I very firmly stated that any work that is done by anyone on our property will be done on a "so much money per job completed" basis, NOT hourly, because we've had too many problems with that before.  Cut to Wednesday night:

DH:  Doesn't the lawn look good?

(you can guess what comes next)

Me:  What price did you agree on......and why wasn't I involved?

DH:  Well, I need to talk to you about that.  See....I told him that I'd give him $30 to cut the grass and trim the weeds.  Because I had that money.  Then he kept on working, PLUS he went out and bought a new belt for the lawn mower that I didn't know about.  Now he says we owe him $135.

Me:  WHAT!!!?????

I got very angry.  But because I knew that DH is currently not at his most stable, and that he was making an attempt to get something done, I lied and told DH that I was really angry at the friend.  (I was angry at the friend, but I do feel that DH could/should have been able to prevent this, so I was more angry with him).  After I ranted for about an hour, DH told me that it was really his fault and not to be so angry with his friend (so he did recognize that it WAS his fault).  I told him that I was going to pay the guy because the yard does look nice.  I am not going to pay for the belt, if it can't be returned then too bad.  Maybe someone'll learn from that. 

And last but not least, I made clear (I hope) to DH that from now on, NOBODY will be doing any work at our house for pay, unless there is a price set up ahead of time, WITH ME, and any related purchases are to be ok'd before they are made.  If work is done at our house without my knowledge or acquiescence, then DH will have to find a way to pay for it.  I will not do this again.  I got the impression that DH thought I was going too far.  I don't.  Despite the fact that I'm apparently a really slow learner, I'm getting really tired of this.

I also got the impression that DH felt like I was being rather controlling.  But hey....I control the money and there is a reason for that, right?  If I am trying to live within our means and stuff like this keeps popping up, how on earth is "living within our means" going to be possible?

I have a headache.

It's pouring.

I don't know where to start!

First, DH went to another job interview, for a janitor (part time) and they told him in the interview that he had the job and that they'd call him this week to let him know when to come in for orientation. But they haven't called. I know it's possible that DH misunderstood them, that maybe he really didn't get the job like he thought or whatever but.....

And DD. She's been hugely unstable this week. Lots of tantrums, lots of insults, pushing, shoving, I cannot even make my voice do what she does when she screams for hours on end. And she can't get in to get her meds re-evaluated until March 1. I don't know how I'll survive because....

DH admitted to me that he hasn't taken his pills this past week. I had wondered about that, because he was losing his temper with DD a LOT more than usual, and taking her stupid rantings personally. He was on the verge of punching her a few times, and it scared me. I could tell it was "That Guy", and he wasn't being rational at all. I just thought, though, that it was "one of those times" when "That Guy" isn't completely controlled by the medications. But then he told me that Sarah (our most elderly dog) had an accident on the floor (she has a lot of them because of the diabetes insipidus) and that he wanted to take her out back and shoot her. I haven't heard talk like that since he got started on the Lithium. And that alarmed me very much. But I didn't find out until yesterday's tussle with DD that he hadn't been taking his medications. Apparently he thought he'd do a better job at his new job, if he had all the ambition he had before he "had to take the meds". ARGH. So I personally watched while he took them yesterday, I hope he continues taking them, because "That Guy" will find himself single if he doesn't go back where he came from. I HATE "THAT GUY".

So.....on a very good note.....I found out that we'll be getting $4,000 back in my/our tax refund. I'm really excited about it, because I'll be able to pay off DH's truck, and then we won't have to have full coverage for the insurance any more. All in all, paying off the truck will give us about $400 more per month. Which will actually bring our budget from "there's no way possible to live within our means" to "if I'm very careful, we might have a few dollars left every month."
And, that's a very big thing, since I still having found a full time job.

Luckily, though, my part time job has been very happy to oblige me with more hours. I just wish I liked it better and that it paid more. I have decided that I need to find a job where there are mentally stable people. There are too many unstable people in my life and I need some stability.

Anyhow, on another tangent, DH's car (the one his mom gave him/us) is having some kind of problem which is probably the water pump going out. DH contacted his friend Jim and asked if Jim could help. Jim sent us $200 (yay!!!!!). But now DH (remember he's been "That Guy" this week) has been bound and determined to spend that money and he's been getting angry with me again when I tell him that we need to save it to fix his car. Today I told him that part of the tax refund showed up, and he got angry when I wouldn't give him any money, although when I left home he had personally told me that he has: pop, cigarettes, a frozen pizza and a candy bar. And plenty of gas. And now he's mad that I won't give him more money. Trying to make me feel like the "bad guy". I'm glad I'm stronger than I used to be, for sure.

But I guess right now, "I'm very angry at DH and at "That Guy" and fantasizing about how much easier life would be if I was on my own" would be a very good way of summing up my thoughts and feelings right now.

16 hours

That's how long the nicotine inhaler was "awesome". Drat.

One good thing did come out of it, though, I guess....or maybe two?

He says he's going to try again (we'll see)

And when he broke down and asked me to buy him cigarettes, I told him I was going to buy cheap generic from now on and he heartily agreed. And that is what I have been buying. Saves about $1.25 a pack! So I guess it wasn't a total loss....

That's Awesome!

DH quit smoking Sunday. Here's what happened.

Earlier this past week, he had another appointment with the "stop smoking" guy at the hospital, who was able to prescribe a Nicotrol inhaler for DH. Every day after that DH would tell me he was going to quit the next day, but then he'd put it off until the NEXT day...he was really nervous!

I thought the Nicotrol inhaler might help him because when he quit before, which was a few years before he got sick, one of the things that helped him was to have a cinnamon stick to hold on to and suck on. So I thought combining that with a puff of nicotine would be very helpful. I don't think DH really comprehended the nicotine in the inhaler, I think he was just thinking it was a plastic thing to suck on or something.

But the day came (Saturday) when I told him he had to make up his mind to try, for real. That I spent $50 to buy the Nicotrol inhaler, and he had better give it a good try anyhow. He asked me to pick him up pop from the store. Knowing it would be hard, I agreed to get him some pop. "And cigarettes?" he said. I said "NO." That felt good :-)

So late Sunday afternoon, he finally used his last cigarette. He sat down and put the inhaler together. Read the instructions. Took a little puff.

Then one more puff. And you know what his words were? "This is awesome!!!!!" "It feels like I'm smoking a cigarette! I can almost taste the smoke!" "I'm going to be able to 'smoke' wherever I want to!" He was so excited.

And so am I.

I hope he can stick with it. It'll save me a bunch of money.

P.S. His appointment(s) with the disability doctor are early Monday morning. So I'll get off work and run home, wake him up and hit the road (The appointment is an hour away from home). Not sure what I'm hoping for, but cross your fingers...

His kingdom for a cigarette....

I'm pretty disgusted (as usual, huh?). I really thought things were stabilizing, but I'm finding out that even "stabilizing" doesn't really mean much.

It actually started with me. I continued to get upset because DH and DD would spend the day fishing, watching movies, hanging out with DD's pca (I know I should be happy that he's at least getting out of bed, but....), and I was coming home to the usually filth. I asked DH to clean the bathroom. He swept the floor. The rest of it is absolutely filthy. I asked him to please do the dishes. He did one load of them (dishwasher) and then forgot about the rest. So I was getting angry, and I told him it wasn't fair that there were two (basically) grown up people sitting home all day (or going ot to have fun) and I was the one who was coming home from work and having to clean all the crap. And the house is smelling because we are still drowning in pee, and DH can't be bothered to let them out often enough....but that's a whole 'nother post. I was angry. And DH said all the right things, like "you have a right to be angry" and "this has got to change" and "I would've lost my temper a long time ago, and probably left"....but I didn't take it as sincere. It might have been, but it didn't feel that way this time. I really felt like this time he was just saying things because they shut me up. So I just got really sad, because nothing is like I wanted it to be and I've been feeling pretty discouraged. DH was very supportive and understanding, even though he was the cause of the problem, he was very nice about it. He didn't make excuses or anything like that.

Then, my mood started to lift, and I could see "That Guy" coming out occasionally....like one time DD mopped the floor and DH was telling me that she did it, and DD told him "don't be taking credit for my floor!" Normally that would just be majorly annoying, because he wasn't taking credit, and to the best of my knowledge isn't like that. But he got so angry and started swearing at her, totally out of character for DH, but completely true to form for That Guy....anyhow, there've been a few episodes like that, and he's just generally been down. Then Tuesday night he told me, "I was getting ready to set up my pills for the week, and when I looked, the slots for Monday and Tuesday morning still had pills in them." So he had forgotten to take his pills for two days in a row. So that could be the cause of some of this, but...

Over the weekend he asked me if he could take some change out of my piggy bank(s). I told him that I had been putting all of my at-home savings in the locking safe (he doesn't have a key) and that the piggy bank(s) were empty. Because he had helped himself one too many times.

Anyhow, he told me his mom was sending him money. Originally she was going to send the money on Monday, so it would be at our house on Tuesday. It wasn't there. His mom said she didn't get the money mailed out until Tuesday. So yesterday (Wednesday), I was getting ready for work (I stay at Anita's on Wednesday nights, so I wouldn't be coming home that night) and DH asked me to buy him cigarettes. Since the money from his mom was supposedly on its way, I only bought him one pack (he's a pack-a-day smoker). He was kind of mad about that. But I told him that if his mom was sending him money, I wasn't going to buy his cigarettes. I could tell he didn't like that, but hey, I knew it was reasonable....anyhow, so he had cigarettes for Wednesday and a little into Thursday. At 4:45 he called me. The money didn't come.
So I said, "Well, you're just going to have to wait until I get home (around 2am). There's nothing I can do now." I could just hear him blaming me for this in his voice. Because it was all my fault that he was out of cigarettes with no way to get more. I told him "try to take a nap or something to take your mind off it." I called him an hour later and he had already gone to the pawn shop. I have no idea what he pawned this time, because I know he lost his brother's Fender electric guitar and his brother's gun back in April. But it made me so disappointed that he did that, regardless of what he pawned. This is just like the "old" bipolar DH, making stupid impulsive decisions. Today I am wondering how much more of "That Guy" I will be able to put up with before I say "enough's enough!"

And the saddest thing of all....DD, with all her problems, has been doing virtually everything I ask her to help with, and doing a good job (mostly). She has been doing more than 10 times what DH has been doing. DD, who never had a family before, who is a "lazy" teenager, is more valuable to the family than DH is. And that makes me extremely sad, too. And I worry about what impressions she will take into adulthood related to DH's bipolar.

I'm angry and I've got to do something!

And I don't want to be. It seems like every day now, I'm angry about something, and I didn't used to be like that. So I'm trying to figure out what's changed?

Is it that DH was doing well, and now he's not quite so well?

Is it because his lack of insight into his spending habits and vices is bleeding me dry?

Am I just overworked?

Do I need more "Carol" time? (I know the answer to this one, but don't exactly know how to accomplish it!)

All this time, I've clearly understood that a lot of DH's behaviors are illness-related. He did not steal from me before bipolar. He did not lie in bed all day or sit on the couch all day before bipolar. Before bipolar, if he created a mess, he'd be the first one to clean it up, of course. I understand that things are different now. Some of these things he's just not capable of changing right now. And I know, because he used to be different, that if he could change, he probably would. So what is different now, making me less tolerant, more angry, more disgusted? Is it just time?

The other night I was angry with him because I went to work, he was sitting on the couch. I got home, he was sleeping. In between, the laundry was no longer in the laundry basket, it was all over the floor. There were twice as many dirty dishes in the sink, and one doggie "accident" on the floor. So I told him that I was frustrated and angry. The fact that I expressed that, apparently made him angry, and he stomped around, slamming doors, etc., until he went out to his car. I found myself hoping he'd leave. I was disappointed when he didn't. What's different now? Am I just tired of the same old crap? I'm sure it'll pass (I hope). I don't really expect answers from all of you, I'm sure my own answers will come in time...

Mostly, I think I'm full of self-pity because this is not what I signed up for. He was going to work, I was going to stay home with the kids. We were going to be a team. We were going to grow old together, and THEN worry about people losing their minds! Whiney, whiney Carol. For a LOT of people, life doesn't turn out like they planned. So what? A LOT of people don't whine like me. A lot of people deal with worse. I've got to get out of the anger stage and move on to acceptance and the like. This is my life right now. It is not going to change just because I am angry.

I never could, in all my life, stand those people who whine about how terrible their life is, but do nothing to change it. I've always been one to think (and sometimes say) "If you don't like it, do something about it, otherwise, for crying out loud, SHUT UP!" I need to take some of my own advice and change something. I have no right to complain unless I am trying to change things.

In the meantime, I need to try (once again) to remember that I am a lot luckier than a lot of people. I know there are a lot of people who would give their right arm just to have someone to talk to, someone to say "good morning" to. I know there are women married to men (and staying married, too) who can't move, who can't speak, or use the bathroom on their own, and are expected to be that way for the long term. I know there are women married to bipolar men whose husbands are not willing to take their medications, not willing to go to appointments, etc. All of that is by far, far, worse than what my marriage is like.

I know that I (for sure) can't change DH. Lord knows I'd sure like to! But, since I can't, I need to start changing me. And, since, I'd like to stay married, despite my anger, I have to find a way to do that within the context of my marriage. Not as easy as it sounds, but I've got to do something!

Today's Conversation

DH: Hey, you awake?
Me: Uh....
DH: I don't suppose you have an extra $40, do you?
Me: What do you need $40 for, and no, I don't.
DH: Well, I need pop, and I thought I'd buy some gas, too.
Me: Drink Koolaid.
DH: I can't!!!!
Me: Why not?
DH: Because I can't carry it outside when I'm splitting wood!
Me: Use a Thermos.
DH: I'll do something for you.....?
Me: Drink Koolaid.
Me: Are you out of gas?
DH: Well, not yet.
DH: Oh. I forgot to tell you, we're going to need gas for the 4-wheeler too.
Me: Ok, get me a gas can. I've got to get duck food anyhow.
DH: Can I come with?
Me: No.

Not only did this conversation wake me out of a sound sleep, but after it was over, even though I stood my ground, I wound up feeling like a big meanie. And I know I shouldn't. I buy things for me once in a while. Like a pop. Or a magazine. Really not very often. But I'm the one making the money, right? So is it wrong for me to buy little luxuries for me and not buy him pop? No, I know it's not, when I remember that I bought him pop and cigarettes two days ago. So why do I feel like a meanie?

Later:
DH: I've got to go into town.
Me: Why?
DH: My mom is sending me a twenty from Western Union.
Me: You're kidding, right?
DH: No, I was out of gas.

I wish I could explain to his mom where the money doesn't go. But it is hard for me to say no to him, too....so I suspect it'll be just as hard or harder for his mom to say no to him. ARGH.

Trapped

DH's mom sent him $70.00 for gas and cigarettes. He went to Spenders Anonymous on Saturday, he said the meeting was good. They talked about the pain their actions have caused others. I thought that was a relevant topic, for sure!

Then, last night when I was at work, he asked me to "stop by and pick up a pack of cigarettes on your way home." I said, "I thought you had $70.00." He sounded kind of sheepish when he said, "Well, on my way to Spenders I stopped at McDonalds. Then on my way home, I stopped at Hardees. Oh. And I stopped at Target and bought a computer game, too. Yeah, on the way home from Spenders, even. I guess I didn't get the message."

I didn't even have it in my to be angry. Just sad. Really sad. And tonite I feel trapped. This person I'm married to, he doesn't make any sense. He's spending me into oblivion, and I'm working myself to death. And right at this moment, I don't see much of a way out of it. I wish I did. But tonite I feel trapped.

Not the best thing.

Me: uhhh....hullo?

It's my mother in law.

MIL: Oh, hi, sweetie, I didn't know you'd be sleeping...

Me: Oh, that's ok.

MIL: Say, we're coming up tomorrow, do you think you'd have any time to maybe go out to lunch or something?

Me: Oh, sure! We could go out to lunch...!

MIL: Ok, then, great! How are you doing?

Me: Oh, I'm fine, things are calming down...(she knows that things have bee tough with my mom...)

MIL: Say, you know, I gave DH $160 for his car insurance to give you, did he give that to you?

Me: Um, uh, hang on a second....oh, jeez, dropped the phone....

MIL: Well, he gave that to you, right? It's for the car insurance.

Me: Um...I guess you should talk to DH about that. (By far not my quickest response, or smartest, but I truthfully don't have any idea where we'd get another $160.00 now that he's spent it all...

MIL: HE DIDN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU???? DID HE SPEND THAT????

Me: I don't know, you should probably talk to him.

(DH still won't tell me what he spent the money on, just that he doesn't have any of it left and that he had, according to him, "a giant mood swing")

MIL: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SPENT THAT MONEY, DID HE SPEND ALL THAT MONEY?

Me: I'm not sure.


I really did not know what to say. I'm very angry that he spent that money, when his mom gave it to us to help us out. I'm very angry that he won't tell her the truth. But it's really not my place to tell her, either. I didn't want to lie to her. I really didn't know how to handle it.

I know she's going to ask me about it again tomorrow. I don't know what to say. I wish I felt comfortable telling her, "Look. Any cash that he has in his hands, including the cash that you gave him to give to me to buy nylons and strapless bra for DD's formal dance, it all gets spent. Every cent. Unless you put it in my hand, I'm not going to see it. That's just how it is these days."

But it's her son I'm talking about. And blood is thicker than water, of course. And of course, not only is that going to make waves with DH and his mom, but also waves between DH and me....just not my place. But I wish it was. I hope some day she'll see the light without my help. But you know, after you've known a person to be responsible for so long, it's very hard to come to the realization that they aren't any more....

Do you want the bad news, or the bad news?

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've been absent lately from this blog--my mom was released from the rehab unit of the nursing home, she is back in her assisted living apartment now. However, there are about a zillion hoops that I have to jump through to make things right....first, I had to find a "LARGE, TOUCHABLE, DECORATION" for her door....ok....I managed to find a heart-shaped pinata at WalMart. Then, since they aren't allowing "ANY" alarms, I had to try to find something that wasn't an alarm but could be used as one. I'm still trying to work on that. They required that "someone" stay with her 24/7 for the "first few days", so when I'm not working, I've been there. When I've been working, so far, DH has been there, but I don't know how long I can expect him to keep doing that....I'm hoping that by this weekend we'll feel more comfortable with her being at home again....I am so stressed out!!!

When my mom first got back to her assisted living, they asked me if I was going to continue to set up her pills, even though THEY were going to administer them from now on. I asked what the cost was, and they said $70/month to have THEM set up her pills. So I said, "I've been doing it for three years, it's no big deal." Ok. Settled, right? Nope. Then the nurse leaves a message for me: "I just set up your mom's pills and it took me 2 hours. I highly recommend that you have us set them up." So I called back and said, "I've been setting them up for three years. It takes me about 15 minutes, plus the call-in time for refills. They haven't changed. I'm ok with it." Settled, right? Nope!!! THEN, I got a message that "if you, Carol, set up the pills, and WE administer them, and if you made a mistake, then we could be liable." Ok, then. I don't want to cause a big scene, I'm just trying to maneuver through all this crap. I say we'll pay the stupid $70. But I had already dropped off the prescriptions at the pharmacy, so I would pick them up tomorrow and pass them on to the nurse. Not a problem, right? Of course there's a problem!!! They use a different pharmacy. They CANNOT use the pills from the pharmacy where I have already dropped off the prescriptions. No way. No how. So I have to go in tomorrow to the pharmacy and cancel the prescriptions. "THEY" (the nurses at the assisted living) have warned me that the pharmacist is not pleased to lose this business. Well, duh. It's a stupid reason to lose business. I feel bad. We've dealt with that pharmacy for ages. In a small town, that's a big deal.

If my mom didn't love her apartment so much, and if it wasn't just 4 miles away from my house, and if I wasn't afraid of making her dementia worse than it already is, I would be looking for a new place for her after all this stupidity. But I am going to bend over backwards to make it work, because right now, it's what my mom needs, regardless of how stupid they are. I cannot believe the stupidity. Unfathomable.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I think the Abilify is working. DH is doing a lot more, and whining a lot less (maybe I need some, too, huh? LOL). He has been spending time with my mom when I've been working, and that has really helped, too. The thing that sucks about that is that he has been trying to make decisions again and they are not usually well-thought-out, although they are well-intentioned. He's been giving away things to DD's Personal Care Attendant, things that he hasn't asked me about. He's been making parenting decisions regarding DD again, and not telling me about them, let alone discussing them with me. And here's my recent frustration:

We got our taxes done. Getting back a reasonable refund. DH did not work at all this year, except that stupid maintenance thing at those apartments, where he made a total of $1800, and the tax preparation for that "job", was $300! (Because he was considered self-employed)! Anyhow, every day he has asked me if the refund showed up yet (I had it direct-deposited into my bank account). This morning when I called him, I said "Hi", and he said, "Are we rich yet?" That really got my goat, because it feels like he is just waiting to get his hands on that money. Made me crabby, and I didn't really need a lot of help there. So I called the bank, and, sure enough, it was in there. Yay!!! That money, or at least the part of it that isn't going to be used to catch up on bills that have been sitting, is going into my savings account so that later this spring, we can pay for our roof repair/replacement. So it's already earmarked. But I knew that DH's tabs on his truck were expired last month, so I gave him $60--$40 for the tabs and $20 for gas and cigs. I figured that was plenty. After all, it's not like he has to drive to work every day or whatever....I just talked to him. He told me that he got gas and cigs. I said, "And you got your tabs, too, right?" And he said, "Well, I don't think there's enough for tabs any more." I got angry and he told me that he filled up one entire tank of his truck instead of getting tabs. I said, "Well, that was your decision, I guess." And left it at that. But I'm really angry and disappointed. So now what happens when he gets a ticket because he was stupid? I'll get stuck bailing him out AGAIN.

Again...and again....and again.....

The phone rang this morning at 10:30am:

Caller: Is Mr. DH home?

Me: yeah (handing the phone to DH)

DH: (to person in phone) Uh, yeah. No I didn't. Uh, probably tomorrow. (hangs up)

Me: Who was that?

DH: The pawn shop.


My heart sank. I didn't say anything after that. I don't want to know what he hocked. Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem.

Except for that little part a while back where he was so grateful to me for paying off that stupid pawn shop when he hocked his brother's gun...he said he'd learned his lesson. He wouldn't do that again, for sure.

When it rains, it pours!!!

Hi everyone....I wish I was writing to tell you what a wonderful holiday weekend I've had, but, well, you know the drill...it started out with DH having a wonderful Thanksgiving day at my brother's, with DD and me, too. He was cheerful, helpful, and just all-around, the DH I married. I was very proud!!!! (DD, on the other hand, was not at her best, taking toys away from the 2 year old and getting mad at the three year old when the three year old didn't play her way....she was the lucky recipient of several stern warnings)....

Anyhow, nothing big happened at all....then we got home and our telephone(s) didn't work. And since I paid the bill last week, I was pretty sure that wasn't the problem. DH went outside to see if the problem was inside our house or out in the phone line, of course it was inside our house. But then he "didn't feel like" tracking down the problem and fixing it, of course....

Then he decided he was going to clean up our bedroom. What he discovered when he did that was not a good thing: Under Kirby Puppy's dog bed, the floor was wet. But it wasn't from a dog. There is no plumbing in our bedroom. He examined the wall and the bottom of the wall is wet. While there are no stains on the ceiling, what it means is that there is some kind of roof problem. Not surprising since our roof has needed to be replaced for so very long, but it's hard to convince a bank that "Yes, I know I've got $45,000 in debt not including the mortgage, but I really need another loan...."

The credit union in town does know that DH is mentally ill. I could probably get them to loan me roof money. But there's no way I could pay it back, and with my job situation so precarious, there's even less likelihood that I could fulfill my obligations there. I think I'm going to start this process by learning how to clean the gutters on the house--maybe that's the problem (I know, probably wishful thinking)--anyhow, I had been hoping to use the tax refund to redo the roof, but if things are actually rotten, I'm scared that might not be enough. And I'm scared, because here we are, at the beginning of a Minnesota winter, and the roof is in scary bad shape.

But wait!!! (as they say in those infomercials) There's more!!!! DH got a letter from the lumber yard in town, they are pretty angry about the money he owes them and hasn't even bothered to pay back. I hate thinking that his reputation in town is going down the toilet, so I told him if he a) looked into the roof problem to determine the source, b) fixed DD's bedroom light, c) fixed DD's bathroom light, then I would put the bill on my charge card. He was really excited about that deal (me--I knew I was going to get stuck paying it anyhow, so I might as well get some work out of him)...anyhow, I think if I have to go to the lumber yard on Monday with those jobs not being done, I am going to strongly suggest that they not extend credit to him any more :-( The thought of doing that makes me sad, but I am getting more and more angry about having to cover these bills that are for stupid stuff that he just decided he wanted right this minute.

And of course DD. Her bedtime has been 9pm for years. But lately she's been seriously testing the limits of that. (I understand that most 15 year olds don't have a 9pm bedtime, but her special needs make a routine and plenty of sleep pretty important)...anyhow, one night she was told that it was bedtime. So she got up and took her pills and then sat by the fire and refused to go to bed. She went to bed after losing some privileges for the next day.

Then, last night, I told her it was time to go to bed. She looked at me and said, "I'll go when I feel like it." I said, "That's not funny." "It's time for bed." Then she told me "I was JUST kidding, jeez, Mom!" And I said, "You heard me, it's not funny, and it's time for bed." Then she tried to get Dad to take her side, "Dad, I TOLD her I was just kidding!" And Dad saw the eye roll and sent her to bed in tears. Then today she told me she's been horrible to me, horrible at Thanksgiving, and horrible in general. I told her that the fact that she is aware of that is a good thing, what was she going to do to make sure it didn't happen again?

So....tonite. DH tells her to go to bed. She says, "Why?!" He repeats the instruction and she says, "Why?!" (can you almost hear the sulk in her voice?) After two more tries at being civil, DH yelled at DD to go to bed and she went to bed in tears, screaming and throwing things in her room. Then right when I was leaving for work, she came out and asked me to tuck her in. (This might be wrong on the mom front) I told her that we had talked about this last night, we talked about it this morning, and if she wanted me to tuck her in, she should've gone to bed at 9pm when she was supposed to, and I would've been happy to tuck her in. As it was, her tantrum was making me late for work, so I told her that she needed to tuck herself in, and give some thought as to how this problem could be avoided in the future.

And with all that on my mind, I came to work.

It's 3am. DH just called me and told me his moods are cycling very rapidly. He has been going from sadness to energy to anger in minutes. He is thinking maybe he should go to the hospital. I told him to take his meds and try to sleep. I hope he does. We can't afford another hospital stay.

I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself tonite. I started thinking about how "this wasn't how it was supposed to be." And how much I just want someone I can depend on from day to day, where I didn't have to do everything all the time. I'm the mom, I'm the dad. I'm the nurse. I'm the breadwinner(s). What I would give to be one of those pampered wives who gets to stay home all day and get hairdos and facials and all that....

Then it kind of morphs into "Why me? What did I do?" But I know this crap happens to people all the time, why shouldn't I be "people"? Sigh.

I guess that's not the answer

Well, back to the old grindstone, after my "mini-vacation"....sigh....I brought DH to the grocery store with me--bad idea. He wanted this and that, just like a kid!!! And then I started to feel like a big meanie, because I kept saying "no" but I was buying stuff that "I" thought we needed, and--do you know what I mean? I guess I didn't want to be "treating him like a child", so I got his pot pies, his fancy lunch meat (even though I know the last time I bought that lunch meat, he ate it all in one day, as a "snack"), ingredients for a dinner that he enjoys....when it was all said and done, I wound up spending a LOT more than I had planned. And now, because I was careless and frivolous, I'm going to have to find a way to come up with DH's truck payment--it's already 2 weeks late, and I don't usually let things go that far. I'm afraid I'm going to have to "rob Peter to pay Paul" and I just hate that, especially when I know that the problem could and should have been prevented....I think back to the times when we were both working and we were debt free, too, and how I didn't even appreciate the fact that I could go to the grocery store and not feel bad when I got home....you never know what you've got until it's gone :-(

And to top that off, I don't think the additional Lithium is doing much for DH. I haven't seen any real difference yet. Maybe it's too soon....I hope....

DD's therapist told me that DD is doing "amazingly well", "beyond her wildest dreams". She told me I'm doing an amazing job and she doesn't know how I'm holding everything together. If I stop to think about it, I don't know either. But I don't feel like I'm holding everything together, I feel like little by little, things are slipping out of my control and I am stretched so thin that I can't do a thing about it.

My mom's cat had two "episodes" this past week where he (um) messed all over her apartment. And the assisted living people called me to come and take care of it. Since that is not normal for him (obviously), I took the cat to the vet and he was diagnosed with kidney failure. So back to the vet for special food and education. So now I am managing my mom's cat, because she can't do it. And the assisted living people told her that she needed to clean his litter box more often, so now I'm going to be doing that, too. I'm only complaining about it because I have so little time. It's a labor of love, of course, but it signifies two different things for me, one, my mom is slowly declining, and two, more care-taking for me. The first one, makes me so sad, I try to keep myself in a constant state of denial. The second one, well, really no big deal. But I can whine a little about that. I love my mom so much and she has done so much for me--it is so painful for me to see her like this: "Carol, I got the top off of the can of cat food, but how am I supposed to get the food out?" "You're gonna have to take a spoon and use it like a shovel and shovel the cat food out." "Oh, that's what I was doing, but I thought I was doing it wrong." When I stop to think about it, it makes me want to lay in bed and cry for hours.

Typing as fast as I can....

Hi everyone, I'm sorry again that it's been so long between posts--there's been so much going on, I haven't really had time to keep you all up to date--but I'm going to try to remedy that tonite...

As you remember, DH had spent his mom's money at the casino. After he told me, I told him I didn't have the money to help him--it was a little bit of a lie, because I had the money, but it would've meant not getting our chimney cleaned this year again (last year we couldn't afford it either)...

So he "manned up" and actually called his mom and told her what he had done. "Needless to say," she wasn't exactly thrilled. I guess she gave him an earful about how he needs to sign up for Social Security Disability and how I work all the time and all he does is lay around and spend money....and then she wired him(via Western Union) some more money so that he could go to her house this past weekend. He was sufficiently chastened to where he did not spend that money on anything other than what it was intended for. I haven't heard the "spend" in his voice since the night he went to the casino.

We got a hold of the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds and she called the psychiatrist and they decided to raise DH's dose of Lamictal. Hopefully that is a good thing.

Anyhow....so DH was going to his mom's for the weekend. He left on Friday--I told him to call me when he got to his mom's. When it got to be after Midnight, I started to get a little worried, but not much, because I figured he had just forgotten to call. I planned on calling him before I went to bed. At 2:30am the phone rang: "I'm in the hospital. I was driving and I hit a log and the truck flew up and landed and then my back really hurt bad, so bad I drove myself to the hospital." I was worried, but they had already done a scan and determined that nothing was broken...

This is where I get so confused...there obviously was a "physical" cause for the back pain. But given his recent mental state, I still am not sure how much was "mental" pain and how much was due to hitting the log....DH was in that hospital for 2 days. I will have to pay 20% of that bill and I am dreading it. His mom was really disappointed, because there she was, out that gas money AGAIN and she still didn't get the work done that he's been promising....but I know she was worried, too. I think, that since DH has been spending this time at her place, she is starting to have a better idea that he's not the same person he used to be....

Anyhow, DH came home on Monday, to our house. We went for a drive, and here is what he told me:

"I have something I need to tell you. I'm afraid to tell you, but you're the only one I can be straight with. You know, all my life, I've been an excellent driver. I was a truck driver when you met me. I've gotten us out of some pretty scary situations driving-wise. And what I'm going to say is freaking me out. You know that log I hit? I saw it. I had enough time to get out of the way. I even had time to figure out that I could 'straddle' the log and not hit it. But I didn't do anything. I can't figure out why. I don't know if I hit the log on purpose? That's really scaring me, because that would be such a selfish thing to do. Maybe I was looking for an excuse not to do that work at my mom's? Or maybe I just wanted to see what would happen? I was going 70 miles an hour. Why didn't I swerve to avoid that log?" "I wish I could remember what was going through my mind."

This has worried me more than I let on to DH. Based on what he told me, he has no idea why he hit that log and is confident that he could have avoided the accident. I don't know what to think. And since he got home, he's been complaining of nausea and (of course) back pain and just lying around again. I can't remember how long it takes for the Lamictal to take effect, so I'm not sure if I should wait to panic or not....The truck had no damage. My pocketbook will be damaged, I'm not sure how I'll pay that bill....I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there....

Am I the one being a jerk here?

Well, today was another weird day. I think DH is having some depression, and various physical symptoms, it's hard to tell what is what. He had his Cat Scan, but hasn't gotten the results yet. He's convinced that it was all a big waste of time. In the meantime, I decided that I was going to try to give him $40 a week for kind of an "allowance" because I hate feeling like a jerk when he asks me for money all the time. I figured, well, he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. At $4.50 a pack, that's what, 31.50 for a weeks worth of cigs? And that would leave him $8.50 to buy pop or whatever else he thought was important. Considering the state of our finances, I thought this was a good plan. He did too, when I gave him the $40 on Friday and told him my idea. However, today (please note it is exactly ONE day later) he needs money for a pack of cigarettes. He cannot account for where the money went. ARGH.

But that is not what this post is about, not really. Do you (for those of you who've been reading this for a while) remember my "gold" dollars? If you don't, please click on the link to get caught up. Anyhow, a while after that, I had started to collect the gold dollars again. Anyhow, here's where I started to be a jerk: DH came home from his Spenders meeting and I realized that he had bought a non-diet pop. (Remember that his blood sugar was in the 500's earlier this year). So I saw it sitting there on the table and, well, it somehow (wink wink) fell into the garbage. DH realized that I must've had something to do with that, and since DD had just scooped the litter boxes and taken out the garbage, I couldn't give him his pop back (at least I couldn't give it back to him in a non-poopy state), even if I had wanted to. I know this was kind of controlling of me. But I also knew that he wouldn't refrain from drinking it if I just politely asked. Anyhow, when he didn't get his pop back, he took my gold dollars hostage. He said I could have them back when I gave him his pop back. (Isn't this childish?, I know it is--on my part, too) Anyhow, this bothered me hugely, because he had already stolen my gold dollars once and spent a good portion of them. Now here he was taking them from me again. I knew he didn't see it that way, though, and I didn't want to start something, so I pretended like it didn't bother me at all. But it sure did. I was fairly sure that he wouldn't spend them, but I"ve been wrong before....

Then, for some reason, later in the day, he started talking about the 4-wheeler.

He started begging me to go for a ride on it, he was sure I would really have fun. I told him I just couldn't. Then I got the bright idea of telling him I would go for one ride if he would give me back my gold dollars. It was a deal. So he gave me back the gold dollars and I was all set to grit my teeth for the ride. But then he told me that I was going to love it, and I told him I wasn't at all. He told me that if I had forgiven him for buying it, and I was (and still am) paying for it, I might as well enjoy it. I told him that I just couldn't. The 4-wheeler was something that he chose to do, knowing (in some part of his mind, anyhow) that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want it, didn't even KNOW about it, and had no use for it. To me it felt like a betrayal, although I didn't use that word when I was talking with DH. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I just wanted him to know that I just can't ever see myself enjoying that machine.

To me, it felt kind of the same as if he had cheated on me and then wanted me to be friends with the lady he cheated with. Yes, she might be very nice. Yes, we probably would enjoy each others' company, but it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Anyhow, DH got rather upset as I tried to explain this the best I could without pointing out things that he had done that I didn't handle well (and am still trying to get a grip on). He got a little angry because I keep saying that I have forgiven him and yet I won't just learn to love the 4-wheeler. But I feel the same way about the laptop and the digital camera. I won't have anything to do with them. I've forgiven (or so I thought) DH for the spending sprees that bought those things. But I still don't want to play with them.

He got rather disgusted and said he didn't want to go for a ride after all. I was fine with that, as I only agreed because I wanted my gold dollars back. And I've been trying to search my soul to see if I can recognize that I'm wrong about the 4-wheeler. So far either I'm in denial or I can't. If I'm being unreasonable, I wish I could see it. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

And I did get my gold dollars back, but I'm kind of mad about that, too.

Bipolar has benefited my marriage.

As surprising as that may seem, I've been giving it some thought, and, yes, although I think that there are many more negative things related to the bipolar than there are positive, I can say this about it: It has made our marriage more real.

When we first got married, we were still trying to put on a "good face" for each other, and I think that in that sense, even years later, we both were still hesitant about letting the other see our faults. And we sometimes weren't completely straightforward with each other, because we didn't want the other person's feelings to be hurt, or for the other person to think less of us. I was a rather submissive wife, and let DH make many of the decisions related to our marriage, because I didn't want to "rock the boat." And while we had said those words, "in sickness and in health", I don't think either of us envisioned what that would mean, or that we would end up doing anything besides putting up with a crabby spouse who had a cold or something like that.

But when bipolar arrived, things changed dramatically. I was dragged, not without a struggle, into this whirlwind of drama, and depression, and weird stuff. Suddenly my DH's "good face" was gone, the bipolar was obvious to me, he couldn't make it "pretty". I learned what my vows really meant, and gained a new appreciation for spouses who are caregivers. I confided in DD's therapist, and found an ally in her, I don't feel like she "does therapy" with me, I feel as if I'm talking to a friend, or, perhaps, a mentor. If DH had not had a mental illness, I never would've had a reason to share my story with DD's therapist, she would've just remained in that role, "someone important to DD".

And on a related note, I've also met some unbelievably nice people through this blog. I never would've started to blog if I hadn't needed someplace to express myself and my frustrations regarding DH. I am amazed at the support I've found, from people who used to be strangers to me--I am so lucky!

I learned some things, too. Some things that, even if bipolar were to disappear as suddenly as it appeared in our lives, I would never let go of. For example, I learned how to be more assertive with my husband. Suddenly I had to make decisions or they wouldn't get made. I started planning for the future as if DH was not going to be able to help, and in this sense, I was able to become more independent. I learned that even on days when "That Guy" was really horrible, that taking the situation seriously was not the best strategy. Although the words and behaviors still hurt me, I am now able, with some degree of success, to say "I'll just wait until tomorrow, when he gets back to normal." (I'd like to say that's easy for me, but it really takes a lot of thought, for me to let anger or hurt feelings just go by the wayside like that, but I don't think I'd be doing it at all, if it weren't for bipolar.)

I learned how to live frugally. I learned how to manage my time AND my money much better. I learned how to take charge of the family.

And the fact that my DH, with his mental illness, has no choice but to let me see his struggles, I am more comfortable with him seeing mine, too. Sometimes I wonder if instead of destroying my marriage, the bipolar might truly have been a blessing in disguise. I have definitely grown up in these last two years, and said and done things I never thought I could. And so, although I would do anything in my power to get rid of the bipolar that my husband suffers with, if we hadn't had this experience, maybe our marriage would not be what it is today.

Lots going on

Well, despite my pity party, it was a very nice birthday. Much nicer than last year, where DH, not having any money, decided that he couldn't do ANYTHING for me for my birthday, not make a card, not clean the house, nothing, so he had a pity party of his own...this year was much better. He still didn't have any money, but he handled it much better, for sure!

Tomorrow is his meeting of the creditors for the bankruptcy--no, it's still not over...but hopefully it will be all done with in about a month. I am hoping that there are no surprises, I keep feeling like "you can't just walk away from $40,000 of debt and not have something dreadful happen," but I guess people do it all the time. I am not a part of the bankruptcy. I did not file, and my credit as of right now is intact and perfect. I have heard from some people that I might end up with a notation on my credit that my husband filed bankruptcy, but I don't know how true that is--I've never done this before (thank goodness, I guess!)

As far as DH's job goes, well, we've had several arguments about it. He went back to the lady to get his "final check" and she was "in meetings". Then the next day, she was "on vacation" and the day after that, she was "at lunch". Finally one of the peon employees told DH that "they" are disputing his final check. Of course he got all upset again. The "boss" seems to be completely avoiding him. To me, the writing is on the wall, and, taking into consideration DH's fragile mental health, I told him not to waste any more time trying to get that money. "But she owes it to me!", he keeps saying. "She's ripping you off," I say, "Do you think that you going down there to argue is going to make her more honest?"
DH: That's not fair, it's my money!!!! She can't dispute that!
Me: It's $200. It's like if a plumber came to your house and you didn't like his work and decided to not pay him, except you're the "plumber". There's no sense in trying to get it, she's clearly avoiding you, she's not going to give you that money, and no attorney in the world is going to waste their time on this. Attorneys make $50 an hour, at least, so really, we just need to let it go."

Then the next day he says "I need to go down and see her about that check."
And we have the same argument all over again, because every time he goes down there and doesn't get paid, he gets more depressed and that isn't doing anything good for anyone. $200 we can live without.

And he hasn't brought up the pawn shop stuff again. Maybe he's starting to see that I can't keep doing it. I think we are going to have to let the pawn shop stuff go, even though it is his brother's gun and not DH's that got pawned. Maybe when DH gets a job again, we can just buy another gun for his brother and nobody will ever be the wiser....I hope, anyhow....

Not much else going on, I guess....I suppose that's enough, huh?

Ugh.

That's what I feel like. "Ugh" is what DH always says when he is angry and doesn't know how to express it. "Ugh" when there's a lot troubling him. And that's how I feel tonite, so I'm stealing his expression.

The 4th was not too bad. DH seemed a little peppier, and lit some fireworks off for his mom and my mom who had come for the "big show". Mostly, though, he just stayed in bed. This morning, he couldn't wake up for anything, and he had to go to Spenders. He did get out of bed, but I guess he fell asleep in the meeting and was saying things that didn't make any sense. So he came home, and while I was sleeping, brought DD to visit her bio mom in a situation that was not well-controlled and I could not get him to understand that we probably should have discussed it first, even if it meant he had to wake me up. Eventually I figured it was a lost cause and just "forgot" about it.

After that, DH was basically in bed all day. I guess he got up long enough at about 9pm (I was already on my way to work) to tell DD to go to bed. So she did, for about 5 minutes, until DH went back to bed, then she got up again and made a huge mess. I don't know who to be angry with, since DH should've been supervising her, and DD should've known better anyhow, and Jim was there the whole time.....

And DH brought up his pawn shop crap again, too. "It's time"...."tomorrow's the 6th"....like I'm going to be able to just whip out a wad of bills and pay for all of his stupidity. But if I don't, then I'm not a good wife, then I don't love him, etc....I just hate it all today.

I'm feeling very fed up today. I can't do it all, I just can't. I can't work both of these jobs and still be there to supervise DD and supervise DH too. And do 78 zillion loads of laundry, and a few loads of dishes....oh--and my mom is upset because her ice water at dinner didn't have any ice in it. I tried to tell her that maybe it was just warm out and the ice melted, and she said, "well, it never has before." Ugh.

I feel like everything is out of control and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to do everything right. So Ugh. Ugh-Ugh-Ugh.