Thursday, February 19, 2009

Do you want the bad news, or the bad news?

Hi everyone, I'm sorry I've been absent lately from this blog--my mom was released from the rehab unit of the nursing home, she is back in her assisted living apartment now. However, there are about a zillion hoops that I have to jump through to make things right....first, I had to find a "LARGE, TOUCHABLE, DECORATION" for her door....ok....I managed to find a heart-shaped pinata at WalMart. Then, since they aren't allowing "ANY" alarms, I had to try to find something that wasn't an alarm but could be used as one. I'm still trying to work on that. They required that "someone" stay with her 24/7 for the "first few days", so when I'm not working, I've been there. When I've been working, so far, DH has been there, but I don't know how long I can expect him to keep doing that....I'm hoping that by this weekend we'll feel more comfortable with her being at home again....I am so stressed out!!!

When my mom first got back to her assisted living, they asked me if I was going to continue to set up her pills, even though THEY were going to administer them from now on. I asked what the cost was, and they said $70/month to have THEM set up her pills. So I said, "I've been doing it for three years, it's no big deal." Ok. Settled, right? Nope. Then the nurse leaves a message for me: "I just set up your mom's pills and it took me 2 hours. I highly recommend that you have us set them up." So I called back and said, "I've been setting them up for three years. It takes me about 15 minutes, plus the call-in time for refills. They haven't changed. I'm ok with it." Settled, right? Nope!!! THEN, I got a message that "if you, Carol, set up the pills, and WE administer them, and if you made a mistake, then we could be liable." Ok, then. I don't want to cause a big scene, I'm just trying to maneuver through all this crap. I say we'll pay the stupid $70. But I had already dropped off the prescriptions at the pharmacy, so I would pick them up tomorrow and pass them on to the nurse. Not a problem, right? Of course there's a problem!!! They use a different pharmacy. They CANNOT use the pills from the pharmacy where I have already dropped off the prescriptions. No way. No how. So I have to go in tomorrow to the pharmacy and cancel the prescriptions. "THEY" (the nurses at the assisted living) have warned me that the pharmacist is not pleased to lose this business. Well, duh. It's a stupid reason to lose business. I feel bad. We've dealt with that pharmacy for ages. In a small town, that's a big deal.

If my mom didn't love her apartment so much, and if it wasn't just 4 miles away from my house, and if I wasn't afraid of making her dementia worse than it already is, I would be looking for a new place for her after all this stupidity. But I am going to bend over backwards to make it work, because right now, it's what my mom needs, regardless of how stupid they are. I cannot believe the stupidity. Unfathomable.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I think the Abilify is working. DH is doing a lot more, and whining a lot less (maybe I need some, too, huh? LOL). He has been spending time with my mom when I've been working, and that has really helped, too. The thing that sucks about that is that he has been trying to make decisions again and they are not usually well-thought-out, although they are well-intentioned. He's been giving away things to DD's Personal Care Attendant, things that he hasn't asked me about. He's been making parenting decisions regarding DD again, and not telling me about them, let alone discussing them with me. And here's my recent frustration:

We got our taxes done. Getting back a reasonable refund. DH did not work at all this year, except that stupid maintenance thing at those apartments, where he made a total of $1800, and the tax preparation for that "job", was $300! (Because he was considered self-employed)! Anyhow, every day he has asked me if the refund showed up yet (I had it direct-deposited into my bank account). This morning when I called him, I said "Hi", and he said, "Are we rich yet?" That really got my goat, because it feels like he is just waiting to get his hands on that money. Made me crabby, and I didn't really need a lot of help there. So I called the bank, and, sure enough, it was in there. Yay!!! That money, or at least the part of it that isn't going to be used to catch up on bills that have been sitting, is going into my savings account so that later this spring, we can pay for our roof repair/replacement. So it's already earmarked. But I knew that DH's tabs on his truck were expired last month, so I gave him $60--$40 for the tabs and $20 for gas and cigs. I figured that was plenty. After all, it's not like he has to drive to work every day or whatever....I just talked to him. He told me that he got gas and cigs. I said, "And you got your tabs, too, right?" And he said, "Well, I don't think there's enough for tabs any more." I got angry and he told me that he filled up one entire tank of his truck instead of getting tabs. I said, "Well, that was your decision, I guess." And left it at that. But I'm really angry and disappointed. So now what happens when he gets a ticket because he was stupid? I'll get stuck bailing him out AGAIN.


perphila said...

You are doing a great job with your mom. Dealing with red tape in order to so what is best for a loved one is a pain. If I had wanted to jump through hoops for a living I would have been born a dog right? I know that feeling.

I also know the feeling to have someone try and make parenting choices when they are not stable. They mean well but do not have all the information or have the ability to see all options. The fact he is feeling good enough to want to do it though is a great step for the both of you.

Being able to step back and see DH make a bad shoice about the tags was amazing. It is so easy to want to get upset and point out the waste. Not to mention how that choice could come back and affect you too. Being able to step back is huge. I am still working on that myself...:)

Elizabeth B. Alexander said...

Yeah, you're awesome!! Reading this is good for me because it helps remind me everything my husband has to deal with. I was feeling so good yesterday and I ended up spending like $75 on stuff. Just stuff. Oops.

Anonymous said...

I just started reading your blog and I'm amazed at how patient you are with your DH. My BIL has bi-polar depression and he gives his wife and my MIL a very hard time. He's paranoid and he thinks my husband (his brother) is "out to get him." meanwhile, my husband, who is a very good guy, a great father and a successful attorney, feels terribly sad to see his brother struggling just to make it through each day. My BIL has been like this since his teens. He's almost fifty now. He refuses to get any kind of medical help.
I used to resent my BIL but your posts about your husband gave me insight into what living with mental illness is like. I'm sorry you're having a tough time right now and I hope your husband gets back to something approximating his old self soon.

Anonymous said...

Carol, my ds is an untreated bipolar, and when he got his tax refund a few weeks ago, he had spent every penny of it in 2 days! He gave my dh (his stepfather) $50towards a $12,000 loan from more than 2 years ago...$50 on a $12,000loan! He also bought a gas grill,and took all of his friends out for an expensive meal (including drinks). He has a broken tail light on his car, but he didn't even consider getting it fixed before he had spent all that money. In the meantime, I am washing his clothes for him every week, and delivering them back to his house 20 miles away. But you know what? God's Word says that we should do good for those who mistreat us, and treat them as we desire to have them treat us. If dh and I treated my son as he has treated us, there would be no peace. So we have forgiven him that debt of money he owes us, and we just pray for peace between all of us.