Monday, February 9, 2009

I might be losing my grip....

I'm really concerned about me lately. I'm worried that all of these stressful things are just coming out to be way too much for my little brain to handle all at once. Last night I worked the overnight (as usual) and I was so tired driving the 30 miles home, I missed the turn-off onto our road, I think, because I was dozing and didn't see it!

But that's not the worst part, by any stretch. I made it home, and I pulled into the driveway with the milk and misc other things I had stopped for on the way home. DH's brother's car was there--the one who got divorced because his wife was cheating on him?

Anyhow, I have known for a couple of weeks now that he is rather depressed, even a year after the situation, and he has decided to move to Ohio to stay with some friends of his. He cannot be dissuaded from this. He thinks things will be better there. I hope they are, but have my doubts....anyhow....so his car was in the driveway. Actually, I had known that he was coming SOMETIME today (Sunday) because DH had helped him clear out his apartment and a bunch of furniture and odds-n-ends came back to our house. DH's brother was coming up to help unpack and rearrange, purportedly so that DH didn't hurt his back.

Anyhow, I was just so tired, and I walked into the house and DH met me at the door. I had picked up some things at the store that I had told him I wasn't going to, so I said to him, "I got you a present!" And showed him what I'd gotten him (some pot pies--which I usually don't buy because he eats four of them at a time, and at that point, they aren't economical any more-- and a 2-liter of pop) And he found two cookies in my bag that were left over from my work and put them in his pocket. I told him he could have them, I just didn't care. Then DD came out and asked me if SHE could have them. I told her no. I just didn't want to deal with it. And she got this hurt look on her face, and it was probably more than a little justified. I was suddenly SO INEXPLICABLY CRABBY!!! Then they were both half teasing and half serious, and said, "Well, what else did you get us?" I had also gotten DH and DD each a little box of those candy hearts, you know, with the words on them (.33 cents) for Valentines day and they were in one of the bags, and DH started digging through the bags and I just started biting his head off. I grabbed the bags, told him that if I hadn't already given it to him, he needed to leave it alone, and that I needed to go to bed. Then I stormed into the bedroom and went to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I was extremely embarrassed by my outburst.

I'm usually so quiet. I don't know what got into me. I laid there for a while, with my heart pounding, thinking "what was that all about?" I still don't really know. I suspect it has something to do with me coming home to a house that was messier than when I left, and two permanent people over the age of 14 being there the whole time and can't do anything....see? There I go again!!! I NEVER do this!!!

I hate to think of what DH's brother thinks of me now....what a shrew!


Mrs. Dreamer said...

Carol - Don't be so hard on yourself. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have stress affect you this way. As for the missing the turn-off to your own rode, well I do similar things when I'm under stress thinking about things. I think one incident of you have an outburst is called a normal reaction to from being tired, stressed, and a human being. Expressing some emotional release is good for you. Granted, always continually blowing-up is not justified, but from what you wrote, it didn't sound like blowing-up, just some venting from exhaustion.

I know I always am trying to suppress my emotions, but I think that has a lot to do with why I sink into depression. I always worry about being so even keeled. When I was under extreme duress a few years back, I couldn't even find my way to Costco. A store I had driven to for 8 years. It was during the middle of the day, I wasn't tired, just overwhelmed.

Give yourself a break and a little leeway. You deserve it. If you feel it is going unchecked for a while, you might need to seek help, but you sound a long ways from that.

Grace. said...

Ah Carol--

Welcome to the real (and real grumpy!) world.

If I'd been there, I'd have told you to get some sleep, then explain things to your daughter and your hubby, emphasizing that it was YOU, not them, apologize, and then move on.

perphila said...

Missing things like turn offs when you are stressed or distracted are sadly normal. I went in a completely different direction for an appointment more than once. Being too sleepy though is really scary. Driving when sleepy is like driving drunk and not only could you hurt yourself but others. Taking some time to get some real rest one and a while has to bea just for you must on your to do list. Money is important but if you get hurt who will bring in the money then? Like an old broken record here..take care of you. Saying your sorry for your little outburst might help you feel better. Don't feel guilty for being human.