Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Cross your fingers.....

DH just got a new job!!! The mental illness jobs folks found him a job as a security guard--which, with his background (from before his mental illness took over) as a jailer, is right up his alley.....

He went to orientation yesterday. I am desperately hoping that he doesn't get fired from this one, because I had to buy him some shoes for $75.00 to go with his uniform :-( But it'll be worth it if he can keep it.

The hours are a little concerning--11am to 7am, four days on, four days off. I'm worried about his days and nights getting mixed up and affecting the bipolar. But DH is so excited and hopeful, I am just going to work hard at creating a routine, so that things will be predictable and smooth (yah, I know, like that ever happens in our house!)

I'm also a little concerned because I got a notice in the mail that they did a credit check on him--but they wouldn't let him start working if they were going to disqualify him based on his credit.....right???? Maybe????

Oh--but here's a really good thing: He opted to have his paychecks direct deposited right into my bank account! So when "That Guy" wants to spend the whole thing, he won't have access to it--it seems like a very hopeful step. He wouldn't have done that a few months ago. And I know he'll probably regret it eventually, too, but he made a smart decision there for our family/marriage.

I figure he's got much better odds going through this jobs program, because he's got that extra level of support in case he has struggles. And the company he'll be working for is already aware, on some level, that he has had problems in the past, so they might also be more willing to work with him.

Friday, March 19, 2010


DH is sorry about the 4-wheeler thing. He has used some words that I didn't expect him to use, like "ashamed" and "selfish". And he didn't even flinch when he found out that I have the 4-wheeler key now. We can't sell it yet, because after all this time, we still owe over $4,000 on it, and I don't think we could sell it for that much, especially in this kind of economy. And it's nice to have it to plow the driveway, I guess....although paying the neighbor to plow was a lot cheaper....so anyhow...it's parked, and both DH and DD lose out because they were both stupid.

I have to say that I really wasn't surprised by the entire 4-wheeler thing. Both DH and DD did pretty much what I would expect. I just keep hoping that DH will "buck up" and become a partner and not a childish adversary.....I told him this, when we were discussing the situation, and it seemed like he understood. The thing is, that next week, he'll have forgotten it all. And so it'll happen again. And again. I just need to convince myself that I AM a single parent, and although sometimes DH does the "right" thing, a lot of times, he doesn't, and I need to have a plan for that. It's easier said than done, for sure.

DD turns 17 in April. She wants to have a "party". Keeping in mind that she is emotionally about 10 or 11 at best, it would be more of a kids' party than a teenagers' party, which, I guess, makes it easier....but I don't want to. She's been such a brat this year, I really don't have any desire to do something super-fun for her (but I can't tell her that, of course, as I'm sure at least some of her brattiness is not under her control....but I'm dreading the whole thing. So I'm calling a "family meeting" this weekend so that we can all decide what the plan is. And I will just remind DD that the "party" can be cancelled, if she acts like a jerk.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

How many kids do I have?????

Well, the Percocet thing was going pretty good, actually. DH was requesting it at proper intervals, not making it the sole topic of conversation....and it was really surprising me. And I bought him ONE two-liter bottle of pop, and he said "thanks". Not "That's all?" I was starting to feel respected. It was nice. While it lasted, anyhow.....

In our house, I believe I've probably mentioned before, there is a rule: When mom has worked all night and is finally asleep, do not knock on the door unless it is an emergency. That means that unless someone is bleeding, dead, or otherwise needs medical attention, or the house is on fire, your question waits until later. Easy enough, right?

Well, DD had a friend over on Saturday night. I worked all night on Saturday night. I got home on Sunday morning, put away the groceries that I had bought on my way home, chatted with DH a little, and went to bed at 10:45am. I knew I had to get up again at 1:30 to take my mom to the church services that they have at the nursing home (that is attached to the assisted living where she lives), because my mom won't go without me. So I didn't have much time to sleep. DH decided to take a nap too. At 11:30am, there was a knock on the door. The kids wanted help with their video game. Ok, irritating. I'll get even less sleep. Then, at about 12:15, another knock. "My friend wants to go for a 4-wheeler ride!" I was very annoyed. DD knows the rules and should have known better than to wake me/us up for that. I said that I didn't think they should get a 4-wheeler ride that day after breaking the rules and I wasn't getting to sleep. DH thought that was a good idea too.

Since I know that DH enjoys being the "cool dad" and giving 4-wheeler rides, and he also likes to show off the 4-wheeler, I thought there was a possibility that he might have broken down and given them a ride. So I asked him: "Did you end up giving them a ride?" "Nope", he said. "They shouldn't have woken you up for that." I was relieved and felt good about that.

The next day, DD was at an appointment, and she showed the nurse a long scratch on her leg. "Our cat did it", she said. It didn't really look like a cat scratch, but it wasn't something I felt like arguing about. And I try very hard not to give DD much attention for "boo-boos", because it just causes her to make an even bigger deal out of them.....

Anyhow, the NEXT day, DD's friend (the same one that had stayed over) and her family came over to look for her cell phone that had been lost. I mentally questioned why they were looking outside since they had supposedly not gone on a 4-wheeler ride. But I just started to make supper. It is my understanding, that DD and the friend's sister, who used to be one of DD's friends, were not too happy to see each other. And when DH paid attention to the sister, DD got all dramatic and decided that she was going to move out (because Dad likes HER more than me, etc...) She said some hateful things to the other family, and to DH and DH got angry. I was not aware of what was going on. DD came inside and said this: "Mom, I can't lie to you (yah right, she lies every single day). We went on a 4-wheeler ride that day. The scratch was from barbed wire. I wasn't supposed to tell you." It was apparent to me right from the get-go that she was telling me this because she was mad at her dad. But now I'm angry with everyone. DH is angry with DD for her brattiness outside, then he comes in the house and gets even more angry because now HE's in trouble, too. So he left.

I was really in a spot. It was very confusing, I'm sure, when I tried to explain to DD that when you're angry with someone, you don't go and tell someone something that you were supposed to keep a secret. And then of course I was angry because I got lied to. I'm confused myself. Mostly, though, I feel hugely disrespected.

DH apologized. He told me that DD begged for a ride and after a whole bunch of "Mom's not here, she'll never know", he gave in. I don't even care what the real story was.....I told DH "You're the grownup. You're the one with the purported self-control to say "NO". You're the one who sets limits and sticks to them." I'm getting angry telling you about it again. DH said he would try very hard to learn from this and I do honestly believe he was sorry. I told him that there are so many little things that don't require a lot of work that he chooses not to do, and they make my life more difficult--like letting Buffy off the leash, for example. He said he knows and he'll do better. I don't know, I think he needs a slap in the face, but I've never been a violent person. The whole thing is really nothing that I couldn't have predicted myself, but I WANT A PARTNER, NOT ANOTHER KID.

Unfortunately, I don't have confidence that I will have a partner, so, know what I did? I took the key to the 4-wheeler and put it in my safe. To be used for work only from now on. End of story. After all, I'm paying for it, the key is mine anyhow, right? Tee hee. That part felt good. I should've done it a long time ago.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Percocet revisited

DH was released from the hospital yesterday. I'm relieved, of course. It was a pretty big deal. But unfortunately, he was also given a prescription for Percocet, and, if you've read my blog for a while, you know that that is a problem drug for DH. And a bigger problem for me. Argh. It always becomes a very unhealthy power struggle.

I gave DH two Percocet pills and locked the rest of the pills up in my safe (I'm sure I've mentioned it, but in case I haven't, after realizing that DH not only stole my gold dollars but was regularly raiding my change bank and other means of savings that I had set up for myself at home, I decided to use my mom's old fireproof safe that she had used for important papers, and lock up everything that I needed to restrict DH's access to). So anyhow, I put the pills in my safe, went to bed and then got up to go to work. Without stashing a couple of pills somewhere in the house for him. I totally forgot. So now I'm feeling really bad because he doesn't have any at all, but I truly don't know how much pain he is really in. In the past he has really played up his pain just so that he could get some Percocet. I hate the thought that he is stranded without any pain meds. But there's no way I'm going to allow him to access that safe in any way. Nope.

So I'm just feeling like a bad wife, and thinking that he probably thinks that I did that on purpose--but I really didn't. Boy am I rambling today!


Oh, and on a brighter(?) note, DH did call his attorney and the "hearing" on the 18th isn't really a hearing, it's just a telephone meeting with his attorney to start some other kind of appeal. So everything will be updated by then.

Well, I guess that's about all for today. What should I make for supper????? I've got some chicken breasts but I have no idea what I'm going to do with them.....any suggestions made in the next four hours are very welcome! (Any suggestions made after 4 hours will be considered the next time I am at a loss as to what to make for supper!)

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Conversation with DH at the Hospital Tonite

(the following took place when I was leaving after visiting DH yesterday evening)

Me: I'm gonna go now.....I'm working tonite.....

DH: Don't leave me!!!!

Me: Why not?

DH: I saw something awful, something right here. It was scary.

Me (thinking "Oh my, someone died right outside his door"): What happened? What did you see?

DH (with all the seriousness and drama possible--and he was not joking): I saw a man's bank account.

Me (as if I understood): Ohhhh.....I see......what was scary about that?

DH: It was big.

Me: Why did you get to see his bank account?

DH: We were going into the game show.

Me: What game show?

DH: There was a game show right here, and we were in line. It was one of those game shows where you use your own money. They match whatever you win. I only had $30, so I had to borrow money from him to get started. And when I saw his bank account, I got angry. I threw a rock at his head.

Me: A rock?

DH: Yes, and his kids got mad.

Me: Well that does sound scary.......

Must be some really good drugs!

Monday, March 8, 2010

If it's not one thing, it's another!

I know you weren't expecting this, neither was I, of course, but DH is in the hospital. Two nights ago, he told me (and this might be too much information, but I'll tell you anyhow), that there was a huge lump in his scrotum and it was growing fast and it hurt so bad he could barely walk. He felt like he needed to go to the emergency room. I tried to get him to wait until Monday (another hospital bill--just what we need....sigh) and he said that he couldn't wait. I was inclined to believe him, even though I didn't want to, because I figured if it was drama, he would've been having back pain again, not pain THERE.

So anyhow, it turns out that he has a serious infection and had he not gone in when he did, it could have been life-threatening. They're giving him those super-antibiotics to try to kill the infection but they're not working so far. A urologist is making a special trip to see him tomorrow to determine if they are going to need to do surgery to get the infection out of there.

Yesterday and the day before, he was his normal self, only in a lot of pain and a little spacey from the pain drugs they were giving him. Today, he can't stay awake for more than ten seconds. I couldn't even get him to stay awake long enough to drink a glass of juice. The doctors are concerned enough to change the pain meds, but nobody seems sure of what is going on today and why DH can't wake up.

Also, the nurse told me that they took a chest xray today to see if maybe he was having pneumonia or something else going on, and I asked her if it was clear and she looked it up on the computer in his room and started to explain to me that "there's a little...something....and it's easy to treat....." and then she decided to have a respiratory therapist come up and explain that to me. That's who I'm waiting for now.

I'm a lot more worried today than I was yesterday. I guess an infection in the scrotum is a hugely big deal. Dang it, why can't we just go for a year or two without any health crises????

Saturday, March 6, 2010

What does this mean?

During the brief time when DH was working, he did not call the disability attorney to tell him. But his psychiatrist had told DH several times that he doesn't believe that DH can hold a job and that if he did try to work and failed, that it might benefit his disability case somewhat.

I don't know much about the disability process. Only what I've learned as we go....but DH's attorney just called and DH has a telephone hearing on the 18th of March? Of course DH didn't ask any questions, so I'm left wondering: What is this for? Will this hearing determine whether or not he gets disability? How can he prepare for it, and what will they be looking for....?

I tried to get DH to call and tell the attorney about his working, in case it would have some impact, but so far it's been late in the afternoon and he doesn't want to call and leave a message. So as far as I'm aware, the attorney(s) still don't know that he worked a few days.

So I find myself thinking.....again.....about how nice it would be if he got disability....how things would change so much for the better.....but.....based on the last couple of years, things just don't happen that easily for me/us.....

but it's sure fun to think about!

And an aside: Today I paid some bills. And I looked and tried to decide which one to pay and which ones to let sit. And I realized that I actually had enough money to pay everything on time!!! Something must be wrong here. LOL

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

That didn't take long at all.

Well, I was planning on telling you how nice it was that DH had started working at his part-time job. He had his orientation last Wednesday, and he was very proud of himself, although he was a little frustrated that he only got one break every 4 1/2 hours....He got up every day without a lot of prodding by me, and got to work on time every day. I was starting to get hopeful.

But he talked to his boss on Monday and he is already fired. Apparently he complained about his back hurting a lot, and they said he was taking unauthorized breaks. I'm inclined to believe that, but he says it wasn't true and they didn't give him a chance. I'm inclined to agree that they didn't really give him a chance, since he had orientation once, then worked three four-hour shifts before they canned him, but I'm sure there's more to it than he realizes.....

He was pretty discouraged, but he didn't get suicidal at all, so I was proud of that. And....I was able to convince him to go back to the jobs program for mentally ill people that he had been involved in a while back....they find jobs for people with mental illness, and the employer gets a break in the wages in exchange for hiring them....I told DH that people who are involved in this program are already aware that he has had some problems and are probably more prepared to work with someone if they seem to need prompting or coaching. And that if his employer thought there was a problem, there is another layer of help to go to--the placement folks--who might be able to help, too. DH finally agreed that maybe he should do that, and has an appointment today at 3:30pm. I hope he goes.

I have to say I really expected to have him spend a few months in bed, lots of "I'm worthless" and all that....but no, he just seems to want to get working again. So once again, I'm cautiously optimistic.

On a really good note....I got the tax refund and paid off DH's truck!!!! So that will mean right off the bat, $271.00 that I don't have to come up with every month, and then after we cancel the full coverage (after the check clears), it'll save another $75.00 a month!!!! Yayyyy!!!! I feel so relieved, and I'm finally starting to see a teensy smidgeon of light at the end of the tunnel.