Friday, January 29, 2010

If I don't laugh, I'm gonna cry....

It actually started last night. I was in the Cities, getting ready for my interview, trying on my outfit that I had bought, etc., practicing questions that might be asked, etc., and I called DH.

Me: You're going to have to set your alarm. I will be in the interview at the time when you will need to get DD up for school.

DH: Don't worry....it's already set.

So my interview was at 6:30am. I got up at 4:30am (I was already in the City so I didn't have the 2 hour commute) and started to get ready. Got dressed carefully, made sure my hair was as nice as it was going to get, wrote down some questions for the interviewer, then, it was 5:45, so I decided to head to the interview, so I could be sure I would be on time--didn't want to get stuck in traffic or anything....I got to the company at 6:05, sat in my car until 6:22 and then I went inside. (Remember, this is a big corporate building, with about 7,000 employees....)

I went inside just like usual, but this time I was a non-employee, so I had to stop at the guard's station to let my interviewer know I was there. I presented I.D. and the name of the person who I was meeting, and I was told by the guard to "wait over there in the waiting area." So I did.

At 6:45 I started to get concerned, because nobody had come to get me yet. But I didn't want to be pushy either, so I was kind of unsure if I should ask the guard to call again or not. At 7am I finally decided to check to see if I had been forgotten.

It turns out that the guard apparently didn't contact the guy at 6:22. So as far as the interviewer was concerned, I was already a half hour late. He looked surprised when I told him I had been there since 6:25, and he went to the guard's desk to verify. The guard who was working stated that I must've talked to "the new guy", and "he left at 6:30". So at least my interviewer had that to prove that I was there on time, and hopefully they have some sort of record....but....it was a bad first impression anyways.

And then I was flustered because of that and all my confidence went out the window (not that I had a lot to begin with, but I have never been so prepared for an interview as I was for this one....until then anyhow).

And I was supposed to interview with two men. But one of them, by that time, was in another interview, so I only interviewed with one of them (at first). And his body language said "well, I'll read the questions off to you, just so you can say you had an interview, but I am completely not interested..." I tried. But my mind went relatively blank. I don't think I said anything that was an instant bad thing, but I sure didn't astound him with my brilliance, either....not that I think he cared....

But then, at the end of the interview with that guy, he went and tracked down the other guy, and I interviewed one on one with the second guy. But the first guy didn't stick around to see what I had to say....I was so disappointed. I still am.

I sent thank you emails to each of the two men and expressed my appreciation for the last-minute rescheduling they did, and tried to apologize for the time snafu without accepting responsibility....but I was so embarrassed....and if I get a phone call from them, well....I just don't think I will.

But wait!!!! There's more!!!!!!

I called DH to tell him how bummed I was, and by that time it was 9am. And DD answered the phone. Then DH picked up.

Me: How come DD isn't in school?

DH: I called you!!!! I already told you all this!!!!!

Me: How could you have called and told me all this when I turned my phone off for the interview and there were no messages when I turned it back on???

DH: Well, maybe it was a dream.....

DH: Because I overslept and I don't have enough gas to bring her into town.

Me: I thought you set your alarm.

DH: I did.

Me: Ok, well, I'm still 2 hours away from home, so call the school....

Me: (to myself) For Pete's sake, I have to do EVERYTHING. He had enough gas to go to town last night and see his friend....makes me want to scream.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Here we go.....

This is me, blogging on my very last day of full time work. I've shed a lot of tears....I truly had no idea that people thought so highly of me....every time I turn around, someone else is stopping by, giving me a hug....it makes me really sad that it took me leaving to make me see that....

It's very very weird. But it's been a very weird two months. I've never been laid off before, and while I keep trying to look on the positive side, sometimes the bitterness still comes through....

And then there's my interview tomorrow. I found out that if I were lucky enough to be offered the position, as far as my company is concerned, they wouldn't even count the break in service....so that's very good. I found an outfit at the thrift store today, I think it'll do, although I didn't look at it and go "Yeah, that's THE outfit!" But at least it's professional and it fits me and covers everything it's supposed to :-) In a short while I'm going to go and review possible questions that I might be asked, and write down a few "stories" that I can use to illustrate my points. Only my friend Anita (and you all) know(s) that I am going to this interview. I didn't want to jinx myself by telling anyone else. Plus, if I don't get the job, I don't want to have to explain that to anyone if I don't have to....

I'm kind of worried about my winter coat (isn't that silly?). I have a very "outdoorsy", casual winter coat--it's kind of masculine, but in a feminine kind of way, like a ladies' flannel shirt. It's definitely not professional, and I don't have a "professional" winter coat, because I've never had to dress in suits for my corporate job--it was at night, so nobody cared what the night shift wore....but now I'm faced with a dilemma. How to handle the unprofessional coat. Wear it and take it off as soon as I walk in the door and hope nobody realizes that it's unprofessional? (that's what I'm leaning towards) Or leave it in the car completely and risk looking silly because I came in 10* weather without a coat? I can't afford to go out and buy one. So I'm fretting about the coat. For Pete's sake, Carol!

Well, I'm scheduled to work at my part time job on Friday at 5pm, but I probably won't be able to update all of you about the interview until Saturday. I'm scared. But I am so glad to have all the words of wisdom from all of you....you are giving me more confidence than I would have otherwise...cross your fingers for me!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I need to lose 40 lbs in 3 days :-)

Not sure how I feel about this but....

I've got an interview.

It's with my still-current (but very soon to be former) employer, in another department. I'm not sure I'm qualified, but I have done similar work in the past. Apparently my resume made them think that I might be able to do the job.

I am not sure I want to keep working at the same company. But I DO want to keep working. I might get laid off "again". But I guess that could happen anyhow, right?

Anyhow. So I haven't done a job interview for over 4 years. I don't have interview clothes. I need to lose weight. Maybe I should get a haircut. (but it would be just my luck that the haircut would be awful). I'm an introvert. I'm nervous and scared. But that'll be the case at any job.

I've just told DH that I'll go in there on Friday (yep, the day after my "last" day) and do my best. And what will be will be....right?????

Any words of wisdom are welcome.

Oh--and I probably won't be able to lose the 40 lbs by then. Sigh.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Meeting today.

Today I met for the first time with a dislocated worker person (from the State) who will help me work on whatever I need to work on in order to find a new full time job.... and basically our conversation went like this:

Dislocated Worker Person: So let's find out a little more about you. You've worked at your job for 19 years?

Me: Yes

DWP: Looks like you've got one of those degrees that you can't do much with, huh? Psychology....you've really got to have a doctorate in order to use that one....

Me: Yeah. The only real good it does me is if I'm competing against someone who doesn't have a degree.

DWP: Ok...tell me about your family.

Me: (sniffling) Well, I'm married, my husband used to be a jailer. (DWP writes that down) Then he became mentally ill (blah blah blah--you blog readers know all that stuff)

DWP: Wow, now I can see why you've got two jobs!

DWP: How about children....any kids?

Me: Yes, a special needs daughter--we adopted her before the mental illness problems started.

DWP: (in a nice way) Could you have anything more on your plate...?

DWP: How are your finances? (They ask this because they have places that they refer you to for financial counseling if you need it) (and also, if you have an immediate need that you can't meet, sometimes they help)...

Me: (sniffling again) Lots of debt (I explained about DH and his bankruptcy, and the bad checks and all....) but except for that I have good credit...

DWP: (Looks amazed and shocked).

Me: And I have a lot of questions because I live two hours away from here.

DWP: You mean it takes you TWO HOURS to get to work?????!!!!

Me: Yes, and it probably will again, since there are no jobs where I live.

DWP: You are under a huge amount of stress. I strongly advise you to talk to a counselor about this.

Me: Ok.

DWP: Promise?

Me: Yes.

Me: Oh. And my mom has Alzheimer's and even though she's in an assisted living facility, I'm her primary family caregiver. She's been hospitalized three times in the last year. Come to think of it, my husband was hospitalized this past year, too, with H1N1. And my daughter was hospitalized for two weeks, too.

Suddenly it really all hits me, how much I've really been doing/dealing with, and I just lost it, right there in the cubicle with the DWP. Oh--AND I'm getting laid off, too, by the way. (haha). How on earth am I supposed to find a job with all this stuff????

I do need to talk to a counselor. I promised I'd call. And after Jan. 29th, I'll have a lot more time for things like that, for sure....

I'm relieved that the dislocated worker person who is assigned to me will work with me for a minimum of a year....it'll probably take me that long to get myself together--and supposedly 86% of the people they work with find a job???....that's promising....I've got to keep that in mind.....but it's really overwhelming, you know?

Saturday, January 16, 2010

DH handled things well this week!

Well, this week has been a "bear". I am house-sitting for my cousin (she's 60, so we aren't really close) who has gone to San Francisco for a trip. So I haven't been home even as much as I would normally be. I told her I'd rather she not pay me, but I'm secretly hoping she will anyhow....she's got a lot more money than I do, for sure!

Anyhow, EVERY SINGLE DAY this week, DD has gotten in enough trouble at school to merit a call to our house. Tantrums, hitting, cursing, name-calling....and then one day she was "throwing up" (but I knew she was faking it). And I was either working or house-sitting every time something happened. I could tell that DH was really stressed out. He kept calling me to make sure he was doing things right. I kept reminding him to take his Lorazepam, because if "That Guy" were to come out while DD was having a problem, it would make things so much worse. And you know, he did!!!! He listened to me!!!!

I'm not completely sure that he said and did the right things in a "good parenting" sense, but the fact that he took care of multiple problems really made me happy.

On the other hand, he didn't do anything else all week. He told me that he had "the blues". But at least I convinced him to get out of bed and go downstairs and change the furnace filter. Woop-dee-doo!!!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Well, I said it.

We have a dog, Buffy. She's a pure-bred collie (like Lassie). I might have mentioned her before--we got her when the veterinarian called and said "The owners want to put this dog to sleep. We don't think they should, and they've said that if we can find the dog a home right away, that we won't have to put her to sleep. Can you help?"

I never really wanted a collie. I much prefer short-haired dogs. I hate messing around with grooming stuff. But Buffy is a wonderful dog, no bad habits, very gentle, just perfect. Except the fur. See, we live in the country, and no matter what I do, there is burdock. It's in places where I never even look. It's everywhere, even when I make a huge effort to eradicate it, it's still there.

And Buffy is a bur magnet. We don't have a fenced in yard, but she stays pretty close to the house most of the time. It seems, though, that no matter what, she will ALWAYS find the burdock and come home with tons of burs woven into her long fur. Because it is next to impossible for me to have time to remove burs every single day from this dog, I requested/demanded that Buffy be on a leash all the time. Even when she's being brought to the chain outside, because if she even has one minute of freedom, she will have burs. Then I brought her and had her professionally groomed (this was last spring).

DH, however, doesn't seem to think the rule applies to him. Several times now, I have had to tell DH, "I am not buying one more drop of pop until you remove all the burs from Buffy's fur." He would remove the burs (with a lot of grumbling) and still not learn from the experience. This past week, however, I got sick of it. Over Christmas, even my mother in law was trying to remove burs from Buffy. So I went ahead and de-burred her as best I could. Then last night I noticed that she has burs AGAIN!!!! So I said to DH, "Have you been letting Buffy run loose again?" and he said, "Well, not all the time...." and I blew a gasket. I told him that Buffy is full of burs because he is lazy. Yep, I used the "L" word. I probably should use it more often. But it really applies here, because what it boils down to is that DH is too damn lazy to bend over and put a leash on the dog, walk her ten steps to the tie-out, and remove the leash and attach the tie-out.

I think he was shocked that I said that. Right away he got that "wallowing" voice and said "I'll take care of her burs tomorrow night." We'll see if he does, but it got me wondering if maybe I need to point this out more often. Because, really, he is absolutely the most lazy person I've ever met. Although DD ranks a close second.

I have tried to avoid using the "L" word, because I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself. DH was always such a hard worker when we first got married. And I didn't want to accuse him of being Lazy if the problem really was a mental illness issue. But it really doesn't take that much ambition to hook up the darn dog. Not only that, but hooking up the dog saves me money and time. So shouldn't he WANT to do that? I dunno.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I hate believing.

Well, I'm kind of "tying up loose ends" at my full time job. Updating my resume, cleaning out my desk, and all that. In the meantime, I'm applying for a few things, but I'm not overly hopeful.

DH says a lot of things like "There is no excuse why I wouldn't have a job by June." and "I've had three years off, now I need to help out!" And I think back to the time(s) when things were "normal" and that same girl that got married to a guy who was hard-working, financially independent, responsible...that girl believes him.

And then we have this conversation (sometimes on the same day):
Me: Are you up yet?
DH: No, but I'm getting up now. I'm going to go apply for at least three jobs today.
Me: Oh good!
(3 hours later)
Me: How's your job search going?
DH: Um.
Me: Did you apply for anything?
DH: Um. I went back to sleep.

Or this one:
Me: Did you apply for anything?
DH: Yes, I applied for a job.
Me: Oh, where?
DH: At (***) Company, where I worked before.
(where he was a Manager, a high-level corporate employee, where he resigned, citing "too stressful" and took the job as a jailer instead.
Me: You know, you really need to apply for things that are realistic. That don't involve huge decisions or huge responsibilities. I know it's hard, but you are setting yourself up to fail, if you talk your way into a position and you can't do the job.
DH: But I can't do that! That's not who I am. I've always had responsible jobs.

So. Either he can't get out of bed to even look for a job, or he'll be wasting time applying for jobs that he's no longer qualified to do, and is not capable of doing, even if he were to be hired.

That girl still wants to think that he'll "take care of" her....it'd sure be a lot easier, trying to find a new job, knowing that there was still some reasonable income....but me....well, I've learned a few things since I got married, and I need to look at this as "I'll be doing it all myself." And that's scary.