The oil leak

I guess DH is more concerned about his upcoming surgery than he let on:

(Since DH recently restarted his Seroquel, and it makes him sleep very soundly, sometimes he doesn't wake up when the "urge" hits.)

DH: Carol, you won't believe the dream I just had!  I dreamed that I went in for my surgery and when they cut open my arm, it was all car parts in there--it was all metal, and there was even a muffler.  The doctor was really surprised.  He was trying to figure out what to do next, when suddenly I sprung an oil leak!  Then when I woke up, I realized I had peed the bed.

Well, now that I typed that, I guess probably it's not as funny as it was when I first heard it.  But I figured I'd share anyhow.

DH: Outpatient Surgery on Monday

Well, it looks like DH will be having outpatient surgery on Monday for nerve problems in his left hand.  This problem has been there for about 6 months--at first when DH complained about his hand being numb, I just chalked it up to more of his heath complaints.  But then his little finger started to contract and now he can barely move his ring finger or his little finger on his left hand, and that is his dominant hand (he is left handed).  The neurologist that he saw has determined that he has carpal tunnel syndrome and cubital tunnel syndrome.  Apparently (surprise surprise) these sorts of issues are rather common with diabetics and can only be remedied with surgery.

So on Monday, 11/19/12, DH will be going in to have surgery.  His left hand/arm may be out of commission for several months.  And, sad to say, it's not the surgery I'm worrying about right now.  It's the Percocet.  Because I am absolutely certain that the surgeon will prescribe it and, even though DH is restricted, I am sure the insurance company will allow it for a surgery.  And the thought of dealing with the Percocet issue AGAIN makes me hugely crabby.

Surprisingly, DH admitted to me that he understands why I get angry about the Percocet.  But he still has zero insight into how it controls him.  I remember (before I started blogging) when I had my gallbladder out, I think it was 2005--when all the mental illness problems were just starting to show up.  I was prescribed Percocet for pain.  After I got back home, I did have pain.  I took two scheduled doses of the Percocet, then I didn't need it any more.  I decided to save the remaining pills in case "someone" needed them in the future.   They disappeared, however, within two weeks.  At that time I truly didn't realize what a hold that drug would have on DH and I also didn't realize that his thinking was already "messed up" at that time.  Hindsight's 20/20, though, isn't it?

Well, I guess on this one I can't say that he's faking the nerve problems, I can see them with my own eyes.  I've seen the neurologist's reports.  I guess I just need to steel myself for the inevitable power struggle that will come right after the surgery.

Struggling with DD's issues

Ok, it's really tough for me to admit this, but I currently intensely dislike DD.  She has been living in the adult foster care group home for mentally ill adults now for about a year and a half, and every time I talk to her, I am so very glad that she no longer lives in our house....

Last weekend was just an example:  She came home for a visit.  The very first thing she told me when she got in the car was "Mom.  My friend committed suicide yesterday."  I felt terrible.  What an awful thing, even for a mentally stable person to have to cope with.  I was hugely sympathetic, told her that suicide is caused by mental illness, offered to help her in any way I could.  She said "her mom (the friend's mom) is going to let me know when the funeral is."  I told her I would help her get to the funeral and even go with her if she wanted me to.  I just felt so awful for her.  Then, as she was rambling on about it, she stated "And they don't even know if she's going to live."  WHAT?????????????

Turns out the friend wasn't dead after all.
The friend DID attempt suicide, but was already out of the hospital.  DD realized though, that she'd get more attention if her friend actually died, so that's what the story became.  At that point, I wanted to bring her right back to the group home, but I didn't, of course.....she then went on to tell me about (same old story) how she is getting "bullied" at work.  (She works in a supported work environment with behavioral supports and such for people with mental health issues). 

The story on the bullying?  The same thing.  She has latched on to the word "bullying" because so many people are talking about it these days.  Usually, at work, she is the one doing the bullying, is what I am told. 

So we went home, and I clearly explained to DD the difference between attempting suicide and committing suicide.  She said she understood.  I warned DH about this conversation.  And DD?  She told her dad the exact same thing!  "My friend committed suicide."  And he very patiently explained again the difference and that no, she did not.

So cut to Friday.  We got a call that she and the boy who had been "bullying" her, had been given feedback about an inappropriate conversation they were having at work.  The staff at work separated the two, and DD "flipped out".  The group home had to come and bring her home, where they were not able to calm her down.  The episode culminated with DD cutting herself superficially in the arm and being brought to the hospital.  When the nurse called me, she (the nurse) told me that DD has been under a lot of stress at work and also stress from her friend killing herself. I wanted to scream.

I am struggling with the lies and the manipulation.  I know it's hallmark to FASD.  But I am having troubles accepting it.  Frankly, in the "real world", I pick up on people like this and avoid them like the plague.  And DD is no different.  I don't want to spend any time with her.  I don't want her to come over, I don't want to call her.  Because it's all going to be a bunch of drama that isn't true.  And I know that I'm her mom and I said that I'd love her forever.  But I wish she would just stay away.  I don't like her.  And I feel hugely guilty about that. 

The Trade-Off

Well, DH had a pdoc appointment and reported to the pdoc that he was getting more paranoid.  He was believing that everyone, friends, family, and just strangers in town, were judging him because he was not working.  He wasn't leaving home for any reason.  At my nephew's 6th birthday party, DH didn't speak to any adult at all, except a few words to me.  The pdoc put DH back on Seroquel.  I actually think that DH should have been on Seroquel all this time, but back when I took over setting up DH's meds, he was not taking it and hasn't been back on it since.

The pdoc said that the Seroquel would decrease the paranoia.  And it did.  And it did very good things for DH.  Instead of watching TV all day, he was suddenly cleaning, rearranging....even doing some small repairs.  It was very good. 

Then DH's pdoc called and stated that DH's Lithium level (in his bloodwork) was way too low.  He instructed DH to raise his Lithium back up to 1500mg a day--600 in the morning and 900 at night.  Immediately I saw a difference with this change, too, but I'm not sure it was a good one.  DH is a little less motivated than he was when he first started the Seroquel, but the main change that I'm noticing is that he is starting to get whiney, like he was several months ago.  He wants this, he wants that, wah wah.  And he's not satisfied with things like he was before.  I had warned him that November was going to be an exceptionally tight month financially, and still, he keeps asking me to buy things like chocolate milk, or expensive (by my budget standards, LOL) cheeses.  When I tell him there is no money for that, he gets sulky and pouty.  And keeps asking.

I'm wondering if maybe the Lithium isn't the miracle drug that it was earlier.  Then I'm wondering if maybe I'm just seeing these things more because he is not laying in bed watching TV all the time, so he has more interaction with me, thus, the opportunity to beg for more stuff.  I don't know!!!  But I would like to go to the next pdoc appointment (in 4 weeks) if I can.

Quitting Meds

Late last week, DH announced to me that he had not been taking his meds and that he was not planning on taking them.

He stated that he was tired of "not doing anything" and he knew that if he stopped taking his meds, he could be "more productive" and "get a job" and then I wouldn't have to work so much.

It was a good idea in theory.  I had already started to see mood swings, but I had chalked them up to changes in sunlight/weather.  DH honestly had no recollection of
any of the things that happened before.  He thought, for whatever reason, that things were fine and then people decided he needed meds.

When I reminded him of a lot of the things that happened before he was medicated, and I reminded him that he WAS in fact, working, when this began, he looked at me like I was making it all up!  He completely didn't believe me, and didn't believe, if the things I said were true, that they were "that bad"!

To make a pretty long story shorter, I told him that it was his decision to make, but that if things start going down that same road again, well, I am not going to go there.  If he chooses to not take his meds, and it causes problems with our marriage, I'm done.  So "That Guy", said to me, "I guess that's a chance I'll take then."

The next day, DH told me that he had decided to continue taking his meds.  I congratulated him on this decision and tried very hard to be supportive.  But things haven't been the same since.  He's been lying in bed sulking.  When I come to bed, he gets up and goes into the living room until I get up.  His sleep schedules are all messed up, and I think a hospital stay is not unbelievable at this point.  The only thing he did yesterday at all was lie in bed and eat.  And we've been here before.  I get fed up and start fantasizing about living on my own.  And I really like the idea. 

<< sigh >>

Back to the drawing board

Well, DH's disability appeal was denied again.  I shouldn't be surprised, but I was just hoping.....anyhow, the attorney is already working on refiling.  Don't hold your breath, for sure!

DH has been having some problems with his left hand.  And, unlike the back problems, I can see that there is truly a problem.  He started complaining that his hand and fingers were numb.  Then, he became unable to grip things in his left hand (which is a problem, because he is left-handed).  He went to the doctor, who thought it was a nerve problem and sent him to a surgeon.  The surgeon determined that DH would have to have nerve surgery on his left hand/arm, and it would be major (not laparoscopic).  So they started setting that up, but on one of the presurgical visits, the doctor noticed that DH's fingers are contracting in an unusual way.  So now DH is scheduled to see a neurologist to see if it really is a nerve problem or something else.

I'm kind of hoping the neurologist does a bunch of brain tests in addition to hand tests.  DH had a battery of tests back in 2007(?) and it was very interesting to see the results (although DH was bummed out)--I'd like to see what, if anything, has changed.

My mom is still with us, kind of.  Once in a while she still knows who "Donna Mae" is, but most of the time she just sleeps.  We don't have a lot of conversations beyond "I love you" any more.  She struggles to understand what I say, and she has a tough time finding the right words when she does want to say something.  I'm giving thought to getting Hospice involved again.  They did so much good for her last year.....

I'm dreading the time change.  It seems like every year, around daylight savings time, my mom takes a turn for the worse.  And frankly, there's not a whole lot worse she can get, I don't think.  From what I see, she appears to be one of the lower functioning residents at her nursing home now.  Part of me wishes it would all be over, but one night, I had a dream that the nursing home called me to report that she had passed in the night, and I cannot even begin to explain the terror I felt before I realized that it wasn't real.  I know lots of people are in the same situation, but somehow it doesn't feel easier.

The main reason I haven't been posting (aside from not having much to post about), is that work has been insanely busy (at the county).  and my job at the group home has gotten busier too, with some new residents who have higher needs.  I'm really really tired of working both jobs.  I'm hoping that something will happen to make this easier somehow, because every weekend now, I fantasize about not having to work.  Except I have to.  I do think, however, that things are better than they were last year.  So maybe things will be exceptionally good soon!

DD update

DD has continued to struggle with her behaviors at the group home she is in.  We did have to have a special meeting as she has been bullying the other residents, and when confronted with this, she became very angry, ran out of the house, and tried to jump into a moving car in the street :-(

So.....what seems to have been decided at this point....DD will remain in the group home she is in for the time being.  If she continues to bully the other residents, she will have to move to a different home (run by the same company) as soon as an opening is available.  They are theorizing at this time that she may need to move every year, as once she gets "too comfortable", she starts feeling like she is in charge and can do no wrong.

I have been trying to wean down her visits from every other weekend to maybe every third weekend or so.  I just get tired of dealing with it--the whining, the arguing, the manipulation.... I have some guilt with this, of course, but I am finding myself having very little patience with her lately, and I think it'd probably be better for all of us if she didn't come home so much.  And I think, too, that there is so much water under the bridge, that it's very hard to go back to the way things ought to be.  I think some time apart might help with that.  But I've never done this before, so maybe I'm wrong.

Status Quo for the most part......

DH continues to function much better since a) I took over the setting up and ordering of his meds and b) since he stopped working.  I have struggled lately with trying to come up with something new to write about--there doesn't seem to be much new in my life!

My mom is still declining in her Alzheimer's.  She now has difficulty processing what she hears.  I think she hears fine, but that her brain can no longer make sense of what people say.  So she spends a lot of time saying "what?" and a lot more of her comments and sentences make no sense.  But most of the time she can still say "I love you", and most of the time she is still happy to know that "Donna Mae" came to see her :-)

My aunt Judy, who, as I wrote around Christmastime, is suffering from lung cancer, despite having quit smoking in 1987, is still "with us".  However, sad to report that the whole-brain radiation that she received in order to shrink the brain tumors, has caused her to fall into dementia.  She is now "living" in a hospice center, and they have stopped all treatment.  She is pretty much where my mom is cognitively now.  But physically still in relatively good shape--it appears the treatments have really done a number on the cancer.....at this point it is unknown whether she will actually die from the cancer, or if the dementia will get her first.  But say a prayer for her family, if you are the praying type....my uncle Neil, her husband, just found out two nights ago that he has multiple myeloma, a cancer of the blood plasma.  I guess the median survival rate is about 5 years, so it's not "as bad" as lung cancer, but jeez, when it rains, it sure pours!

I came very close this week to giving up on trying to get all this stuff paid off, and I called a bankruptcy attorney to ask some questions.  But she had to call me back, and in that time I realized that I just cannot do that.  I just have to concentrate on keeping the spending low and maybe sell some stuff to get the debt down to a manageable level....after I realized that there was no way I was ready to give up and file bankruptcy, I felt a renewed resolve and a huge amount of confidence--so I guess it was a breakthrough moment for me....I'll keep you posted on that...

Anyhow, since there really hasn't been much going on at our house, you'll probably see more posts that don't have much to do with bipolar.  I hope you don't mind!