This may shock you.

Well, DH had almost a week of being the exact person I married.  Helpful, considerate, frugal, honest....and then, well, I'm not quite sure what happened.  I'm inclined to believe his story since the ending is rather amazing, but I honestly don't know what to believe any more when it comes to stuff like this.

The thing that foiled it?  Probably my car.  I had to get my brakes fixed in my car as they were grinding badly and I had managed to save up the money to get them fixed  (since DH got a paycheck 2 weeks ago, this is really the first pay period where he hasn't gotten paid, so we aren't hurting much worse than usual yet).  DH volunteered that I could take his car to work.  So I did.  While I was at work, DH called me to say "hi", which he used to do all the time, but since he's been sick, he hasn't bothered.  He told me he had pain in his hip.  I told him to take Advil.  He didn't.  Then, right around the time I was leaving, DH called and said that he had gone in to the E.R. for his hip pain and they had prescribed him Percocet and could I please pick it up on the way home?  To me it came across as very sneaky.  I determined that he had attempted to do this without my knowledge and, in fact, would have, except for the fact that I had his car and his "Benny" card (flexible spending card that can only be used to pay for prescriptions) was in the car.  Since he has no job, and I had the Benny card, he had no way to pay for the Percocet so he had to 'fess up.  Of course he said that was not the case, but it was pretty obvious to me.

So we went through another few days of me being the Percocet police.  I kept the Percocet in my safe, he asked me for them when he "needed" them.  This is because of the times before this when he took nearly the whole bottle at once to get a better "effect".  If you have only started reading recently, please do a search on "Percocet" and learn about this never-ending battle.

He didn't seem to notice, but his "pain" moved around.  First it was his left hip, then it was his right hip, then (of course) it was his back......and he needed Percocet for all of those.  When I asked him what he'd done to help alleviate the pain prior to taking Percocet (heating pad, Ibuprofen, muscle relaxer pills), the answer was always "nothing".  I was pretty disgusted and I told him so.  I told him that things were going to go back to being just like they've been.  And that I was running out of patience.  He continued to ask for his Percocet, I went to bed.  Same thing happened the next night after work, as soon as he saw me he needed more.  I got very angry, told him "I don't care any more, do what you want." And went to bed feeling like a huge burden was off of my shoulders.  (Really, though, it's a whole 'nother post, but I've kind of been turning more towards "I'm going to live my life and if you want to tag along, well, fine, but I don't care if you don't like it."

The next day I had taken the day off for a meeting at the nursing home.  DH approached me and said that he had been thinking about things.  I figured he'd come up with some new excuse.  What he did say was: "You are right.  I do have a Percocet problem.  I can go all day long without one, but as soon as I know you're home, I come up with all sorts of pains.  I will tell you anything to get some.  If I know it's in the house, I'm going to want it and I'm not going to stop until it's gone.  I want you to get rid of the rest of the pills."  I asked him if he was sure.  "Yes, if I know they are there, I won't leave you alone until I've found a "reason" to take them all." I asked him if he wanted to watch me dispose of them so he knew for sure that they would no longer be in the house.  At first he said "no", but then he changed his mind.  I know you're not supposed to flush them any more, but I did because it was the only way I could think of to get rid of them completely without waiting around to bring them somewhere or whatever.  I told him I was proud of him.  He told me that he was tired of lying to me and that he has a lot to lose if he keeps on doing it.  He said he is going to work hard to be honest and accept our situation and not insist on stuff that we can't afford.  I was very proud of him.  He has never done this before.  And I so much want to buy into it.  But.....

That's not to say I really believe that most of it will happen.  But I do know I have seen some good things in the past two weeks and it's possible that things could improve.  Unfortunately, I know that despite his good intentions, history shows that things won't likely be that way.  And he'll probably get some more Percocet.  But I hope I'm wrong. 

Something good is going on

I'm not sure what it is--is it me taking control of DH's meds and making sure that everything is there every day.....or him not having to go to work.....or the fact that he's sleeping at night and awake during the day....or a combination of all these.....?

But here is what I am seeing:
DH is drinking cheap bottled water and not complaining about no pop
DH cleaned my pantry.
DH cleaned the living room.
DH made himself sandwiches without whining about how there was nothing to eat--not only that, but he used very old bread, saying "we've got to use this up, we can't waste it just because it's all dried out...it's not moldy yet" (very very unusual for him).
DH called the "jobs for the mentally ill" worker twice (she hasn't returned his call yet)
DH applied for unemployment.
DH is rolling his own cigarettes and not complaining at all about how bad they taste.
DH has been feeding/pottying dogs before I get home at night so I don't have to.

I could go on and on.

But you get the idea.  He's smiling more, too.  For a long time I hadn't noticed the lack of smiling, until he was laughing one day. 

I know it's probably just high spot on the roller coaster of bipolar.  But the way he's been these last few days makes me remember why I married him to begin with.  And right now, he's doing great.  And I'm amazed and thrilled.

Why on earth did it take me this long to do this????

I'm sure it has a lot to do with my denial of DH's mental illness.  Part of me is still hoping that he'll wake up one day and be "normal" again, just like he (pretty much) woke up one day and wasn't any more.  Intellectually, I know it's not realistic, but......I do the same thing with my mom, but that's another post.

When my mom lived in assisted living, for nearly two years I would go to her apartment on Sunday and set up her medications for her.  She had a purple pill container for her morning pills, and a blue container for her nighttime pills.  If a doctor prescribed a pill for noontime, we always had to request that it either be in the morning or at night, because my mom could only seem to remember those two pill times.  But it worked long past the time when she could no longer read anything, because she could differentiate between the colors of the pill containers.  Every Sunday I would religiously refill her pills for her.  It helped with keeping the prescriptions filled, too, as I was right on top of things.  I remember asking DH if he wanted me to do that for him, too (at the time he wasn't on as many medications as he is now), and he got offended and said "no, I'm an adult, I can do it myself."  And that was that.

I know he hasn't been taking his pills religiously.  And recently, since he's home more, I've asked him why he hasn't taken them at certain times.  Often his response is "I forgot to fill up my pill container."  or "I forgot to call in my refills."  And you're saying to yourself right about now, "Ok, Carol, this is obvious."

But it took me this long to do it.  I just didn't ask him.  I took over.  And once I did it, he didn't mind at all.  I had expected some kind of objection, but he didn't say anything about it.  And it feels good, because it's one less excuse he has to not take his pills.  I think he hasn't taken his full regimen for weeks.  I have an idea to track everything on paper, too, as sometimes his pdoc will make a change that isn't reflected on the prescription bottle and I don't always know/remember those.  Like "Your Depakote levels are a little high, let's drop down to three pills instead of four...." and if I can't remember what the right dose is, it's almost guaranteed that DH isn't going to remember either.  So my intention is to request that the pdoc's nurse write down what they have listed as what he should be taking, and that she write down any changes made at DH's appointments and send a written "change notice" home with DH, so we are on track.

So far, the results have been promising.  DH has been in a pretty good mood yesterday and today. (I started doing his meds last weekend).  At that time I observed that he had no Effexor (antidepressant) and could not remember if or when he had requested it to be refilled.  He hadn't taken it for at least 2 weeks.  Now, a week later, he is more cooperative, more friendly, less demanding, more appreciative.  It makes things so much more pleasant and comfortable for me.  I hope the improvement isn't just a fluke.

I wonder what other changes I could make that could improve things.  I'm amazed and embarrassed that it took me so long to do this one.  But better late than never, right?

What I think about DH working

Well, it's been a little over a week since DH was fired.  Financially it hasn't really hit us since we had that last paycheck from him, and he had managed to show up for work every day that he was scheduled up to the day he was fired, and that was 5 days.  So actually, his last paycheck was bigger than his checks had been previously.....

But mental-health wise, after a day or two, it started to sink in.  DH got really depressed, as so many of his coworkers were people he counted as friends, and so in a sense, it was a kind of "double whammy" for him.  He stayed in bed for 3 or 4 days straight, only getting up to eat or smoke.  Then I came home from work one night, stopped at the nursing home to check on my mom, and DH was STILL in bed.  I had tried to be as understanding as I could--I knew that despite the fact that everyone around him could see it coming (the firing), he really didn't.  And losing a job in any way is disheartening and stressful.  But then, as he was laying in bed, he made some kind of comment about wanting to be a billionaire, and I got snarky.  I still feel bad about my comment, because his feelings were hurt, but I said "Do you think Bill Gates, at any time in his life, laid in bed for four days straight?"  I don't think it probably was my comment that motivated him, but shortly after that, he got out of bed.  He put in an application at McDonalds and has already had an interview.  Unfortunately, they told him they "aren't actually hiring, they're just compiling a list..."  But the fact that he went out and did that impressed me.

I also told him to file for unemployment.  I know two people who were fired from my part-time job who were able to get unemployment.  DH says "if I even get it, it won't be much", but I say it'd make things a lot easier to get $20/week than nothing, for sure.  So my task for the upcoming week is to get him to file for that.  I know that you're not supposed to be eligible if you get fired, but it seems like some places don't fight it, so he might as well see if that's the case. 

I think I'm starting to see that working really took everything he had.  He's done more around the house in the past 2 days than he did in the past 2 months.  I so much wish that his disability would go through.  Unfortunately, it looks like he'll probably end up re-applying because his case is at the top of the appeals levels now, and from what I understand, only 2% of cases are approved at that level.  Not hopeful.  But I'm seeing how much better things could be if he didn't feel like he had to work.  And if I didn't feel like I had to ask him to work.

Who knows?  Realistically, it could be 3 more years before he finds a job again.  I very much hope not.  But it's happened before.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that except for the 4 (3?) days he spent in bed, he hasn't been down much, and I was sure that when he did get fired, he'd be positively suicidal.  So there are good things.  I'm relieved and anxious about the future.

DH got fired

Well, I know most of you aren't surprised to hear this.  But actually, in the last two weeks, DH had been really trying hard to get into work.  He was very proud of himself.  (He still wasn't doing anything at home at all unless I really really nagged, but at least there was some money coming in)....

Anyhow, tonite he was in a really good mood.  He went to work and was already back home by the time I got home from work.  He said he was scheduled to come in at 3pm, even though for months he has worked at 6pm on Thursday nights.  I'm not sure whose fault it really is, DH's memory and attention to detail is so terrible that he might have looked right at the schedule and not noticed that the time was different.  I'd like to think, also, that management would have pointed out to him that they had made a change, but, according to DH, they didn't.  Well, it's been coming for a long time....and he's had many "second chances".  So here we go.

In a way I have that strange, relieved feeling that I had when I got laid off.  I knew it was coming for so long, it was a relief to have it over and done with and know where things stand.  I'm scared about finances.  But I think if I'm very careful, and maybe sleep at my friend's house once a week, I can make it work.  I don't really have much of a choice!  Well, as I said a few weeks ago, I've been here before and I learned a lot from that.  My biggest fear is DH's "needs".  His cigarettes, his pop, and even though he once again isn't caring about his diabetes, I don't feel right feeding him food that is blatantly unhealthy, especially for a diabetic.  I imagine that's what it'll probably come down to, though....he's not checking his blood sugar or anything like that lately anyhow, and "healthy" foods are so much more expensive....I'll do what I can, but I don't think it'll be the best nutrition....

DH, I think, is still in shock.  He is really handling it remarkably well, considering how he normally reacts to negative stress....but like he said, he thinks he's in shock and that it feels like a bad dream.  I imagine tomorrow or the next day, when it really sinks in, I'll need to keep close tabs on his mental health.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just play it by ear and know that somehow "the money always comes from somewhere".....

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

Well, Christmas was strange, but not as sad as I thought it would be.  DH's mom's injuries were not as dire as we first thought.  I am learning that DH, even when he gets the information directly, is not necessarily an accurate source.  He talked to his brother and told me that his mom had broken her pelvis and her arm.  Then he talked to his mom himself and told me that no, she had broken her hip, her pelvis, and her arm.  I called her on Christmas, as I am having a tough time getting DH to call his family members (not sure whats up with that, is he afraid of what he might hear, maybe?) and she told me this:  She broke "a couple of bones" in her pelvis, but there isn't anything the doctors can do to fix them.  She has a crack in her hip, but it's not actually broken, and her arm is fine.  But her shoulder is messed up and she did have to have surgery on that.  So she is out of the hospital, but in a lot of pain and can't walk.  Mostly, though, she can't walk because she needs to take some pressure off of her hip by using a walker, but her shoulder makes it difficult.  She tried to describe this "half walker" thing that she is learning to use.  She sounded good.  I was hugely relieved.

As far as DH's dad goes, he's still in the hospital.  He had a massive stroke affecting his left side.  We are waiting to see where he goes next, probably a rehab center in his hometown.

And my aunt.  We went to their house for Christmas.  She has lost her hair and has a cough, but aside from that, and the fact that she didn't get up from her chair while we were there, she seemed in remarkably good spirits and she ate well.  She seemed a little more "tuned in" to everything, too--usually she has a bad habit of just repeating what everyone else says--I'll say something like "DD is on Christmas vacation from school this week." And she'll say (to my uncle): "Did you hear that, Uncle?  She's out of school this week." (Even though he's sitting right next to us and is involved in the conversation.  She barely did that at all and seemed to have more to say than usual.  I was pretty scared to go and see her, as she (and my uncle) are people who have been in my life forever, and the fact that they might not always be there is almost scarier than the fact that my mom won't always be there.

My mom.  I didn't spend much time with her on Christmas.  I feel bad about that.  But I felt like I needed to see my aunt, and my mom can not remember from one hour to the next that it is Christmas, so I thought it would probably be ok.  But for New Years Eve, I bought some little horns and some sparkling grape juice and we had a little party and sang Auld Lang Syne :-)  She said it was fun.  We'll do it again tomorrow :-)

And the Kindle.  Best present I've gotten in a long time!!!!  I am amazed at how many books are available for free and for .99 too--I just love it!  Right now I have a wish list about ten miles long and I'll have to figure out a way to share it with you (not really because I want you all to buy me something, but mostly because I personally feel like I can get to know a person a little better when I can see what they're interested in reading)...

Mostly, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season.  I'm looking forward to 2012 hopefully being a little easier.  Thanks to all of you for being there for me and offering your wisdom and support throughout the year. Hugs to all of you!

It'll be a sad, strange Christmas

This Holiday season, despite Shasta's miraculous return, is full of question marks and worry:

Last week, DH got a phone call, that his mom (my mother in law) had fallen down the steps and broken her pelvis, hip and arm.  She had surgery this week, which was as successful as could be, but is still in the hospital and will be there for Christmas.

The day after that happened, DH got a phone call from his stepmother (whom I love), letting him know that his dad had had a massive stroke and was actually in the same hospital as DH's mom for some time (they divorced about 35 years ago).....DH has been having some bad mental health issues himself these last few weeks, so he didn't think to ask a lot of questions about the prognosis (I'll give a call tonite if I can), but from what I can gather about the timeframe, it sounds like a major hemorrhagic stroke and that he has survived that (the stroke had happened about three days before DH was notified), but will need to relearn how to walk, talk, eat, etc.....DH's dad was not in good shape prior to this, as he had suffered a life-threatening infection after a "routine" surgery, so I'm not sure what this bodes....I think DH is a little confused, too, as he really doesn't have a high opinion of his dad, but is concerned nevertheless.

And then my Aunt Judy, who, when I was a child, was my favorite aunt ever--she had no qualms about coloring with me, or talking about teen idols, or playing with my dolls--it wasn't until I became an adult that I realized that she was somewhat childlike and dependent herself.....anyhow, she just turned 65 this past Fall.  She and my uncle Neil, who is/was my dad's brother, quit smoking 24 years ago, when my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer (which he died from in January 1988).  Anyhow, at Thanksgiving dinner, Judy was talking about how she had no appetite any more, which was somewhat unusual, considering that at some times in my life I am sure she weighed upwards of 300 lbs (but had slimmed down recently due to being more aware of how her diet affects her health).  I made a little mental note to myself, just a "that's a little odd..." when all she ate for Thanksgiving was a couple of barbecue sauce weenies and two Dorito chips....anyhow, about two weeks ago, it was learned that she has Stage IV lung cancer and it has already spread to her brain and internal organs.

We won't be having our usual Christmas get-together this year at my brother's, we are going to bring Christmas to my uncle Neil's, because Judy is too weak to go anywhere.  She is getting radiation and chemo, and the doctors say it is "treatable, but not curable".  Whatever that means, I think this will be her last Christmas with us. 

We won't be having our traditional Christmas Eve games (that I am in charge of), either, since DH's mom and brothers won't be coming.  It doesn't really break my heart, I get stressed out, especially trying to come up with prizes that I can afford, and new and "improved" games every year....but it's going to be strange, for sure.  I am scheduled to work the overnight shift at the group home on Dec., 23, 24 & 25 anyhow.  I get double time for working Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, so that will help.  My tentative plan is to make a special Christmas Eve dinner and just enjoy spending time with DH and DD.  I'll pop in to see my mom, too, of course.....

But the clincher is the mental health issues DH has been having.  He was able to get FMLA for his physical health problems, so he won't (or shouldn't) be punished for missing work....but the thing is, in the last three weeks, he has only worked two days.  And that doesn't help us much.  A lot of days he doesn't get out of bed.  So the double time that I'll get for working the holidays will help out.  But he's not doing anything to help us or to help himself.  Again.  And this had started before we got all the bad news about family.  I have reminded him til I'm blue in the face, that he needs to go see his PDOC, and he was supposed to have his Lithium and Depakote levels checked nearly two months ago, but when I remind him, he "forgets".  And he hasn't checked his blood sugar, let alone watched what he's eating, for at least 3 weeks.  One day he told me "I think I might be Schizophrenic" because he kept hearing his own voice in his head talking to him...."but the voice doesn't usually tell me to do something bad, it just talks to me...." but he hasn't been to the PDOC to ask about that.  I suggested that DH check himself into the hospital, and he was concerned about how much I work and I could I "take care of things" without him.....I just looked at him, and he said "Oh.  I guess things wouldn't really be that different, huh?"

The one good thing?  I realized that this would be yet another "special occasion" where I didn't get much of a present.  So I took some of my Christmas bonus and ordered myself a Kindle Touch ereader.  I've wanted one for ages, and I know nobody will be asking me what I want for Christmas, so that's my present from me to me.  I probably shouldn't have wasted that money on myself, I know I'll regret it when I have to scrimp for gas money to get to work, but I probably won't have any "extra" "not earmarked for a bill" money again until maybe next year if I'm lucky.......I hope it lives up to my expectations.

Shasta got her Christmas present early

I'm fed up with coming home every day to DH telling me that another animal escaped.  I'm not exactly sure why they escape on him but not on me, maybe his size has something to do with it....anyhow, I invested part of my Christmas bonus to buy a baby gate for the entry way.  Some of the pets are rather bummed.

But it's proving to be worth its weight in gold :-)