DH is going to apply for a job!

Since DH has been getting out to try to get that fox, and trying to help out around the house more, he's been talking about how much he wants a job. I've heard that before, so I don't say much, but truly, the Depakote seems to be making him think more realistically, so it's not beyond the realm of possibility, for sure....

DH and I had to go to WalMart tonite. On the way in, I looked at the little "snack bar" that took the "food" space when McDonalds pulled out. I wondered how such an uninteresting place could stay in business, but figured it was probably just the captive WalMart audience helping it along....anyhow, there in the window, was a large "HELP WANTED" sign. DH was still outside smoking, so I stepped inside and asked "for an application for my husband". The manager there asked me what he was looking for and I said something part time and flexible. She seemed very interested, and told me that the other manager would be in tomorrow. She also told me that eventually they'd be looking for shift leaders, too. I thought to myself, "pretty easy, selling big pretzels and coffee," and then DH walked in and I told him what I had done and showed him the application.

Lucky for me, he was out of cigarettes. Tee hee.

The application was a very simple one. Just personal info, 3 jobs to list, and your signature.

And the evil wife told DH that she'd buy him cigarettes if he'd fill out the application and go back with me to turn it in tomorrow. Being the addict that he is, he said he would.

He told me he's excited, but also really nervous and scared. He can't remember the last time he applied for a job in earnest. I can't either. I'm not sure they'll be interested in hiring a 37 year old man, but I'm hoping he can impress them with his dependability and congeniality....or something....anyhow, cross your fingers for us, because tomorrow is also DH's first meeting with the "stop smoking" people. So he will be busy. I hope it's not too much too soon. I didn't mean to throw everything right at him on the same day, it just worked out that way.....

Oh--and he hasn't shot the fox yet. And my mom is still about the same. Much worse than she was before this happened--I don't have much confidence right now that she will be going back to her apartment, but miracles do happen, I guess....anyhow, she's better than she was at first, so I guess that's a plus, anyhow....

I'm starting to worry

DH still hasn't gotten the fox. He's seen it a couple of times, but he just hasn't been able to move subtly enough to where the fox will stick around long enough to get shot. I guess there's really no big hurry any more, the remaining chickens are shut up in the chicken house and not allowed outside until said problem is solved....

But I digress. I'm getting worried about DH. His schedule is all messed up. He's been getting up way too early and staying up way too late, in hopes of killing the fox. I told him that his mental stability is worth a lot more to me than the fox, he pretended like he hadn't understood me. I'm more than a little worried that his Lithium levels and Depakote levels will get "out of whack" and he'll lose this stability that he's been having. It's stressing me out.

Today I was at work when he called me and told me that he was helping a friend of his move. He should've been taking a nap. But anyhow, his voice had that sound in it, the one that I recognize as "the spending voice". Where it sounds like he's got a million bucks in his pocket and was in charge of the world. I pointed it out to him and he paused for a little while, I thought he was going to tell me I was right, but he told me I was imagining things.

Unfortunately I've been doing this too long now, to "imagine" things.

I don't know if he had any money (his mom might have sent him some, that makes sense), or if the mood was present without the spending. I guess I'll find out like I usually do, if he was spending, when he has the usual "day after remorse". I do hope I'm wrong, though.

My mom has been making sense, but still very depressed and feels helpless. I feel helpless, too, because I can't help her with this. I hope she can get past the things she "can't do any more" and start focusing on the things she can still do. And if she doesn't perk up soon, I hope they'll try an antidepressant.

The fox got all of our ducks

I really am having a tough time figuring this out. It behaves like a fox. No carcass(es) left behind, just a small pile of feathers, then about 20 feet away, a larger scattering of feathers, and no bird. The other night, he(they?) got the last 3 ducks, PLUS a chicken, and this morning, the last 2 chickens (roosters) that were in that pen got killed. DH thinks that happened when he went into the house for a cup of coffee. I don't know, we had a fox a few years back that would take one bird at a time, NEVER all of these at once....

And we have SIX dogs!!! (Granted, one is 14, and one is 16, and at least two others are usually tied up, but still....) I am appalled by the carnage. And DH was out last night from about 7pm to 10:30pm, then again at 4:30am to 8am, with only one 15 minute break.....whatever it is, it's sly, and I'd sure like the honor of helping it into the next world...

I'm not even 100% sure it's a fox, although DH saw it (or one of them), he said it was red like a fox, but big, as big as a large dog....so maybe coyote? But I always thought those traveled in packs and he only saw one....and I would think that there would be no way for several canines to enter the yard with as close a watch as has been kept and leave not only unnoticed, but with our birds, too....right???? I don't really know, so if someone has ideas, please share!!!

I'm really not usually a violent person. I always feel bad about death, like when our dog Megan decided to play with a skunk. The skunk did what skunks do, and Megan got really mad and decided she was going to make sure that skunk never did that again. The reason we know this, is because that night, about 5 years ago, Megan was in the field across the road, barking, and refused to come home. So DH went to get her (this was before DH got sick). He saw Megan repeatedly attacking the skunk and repeatedly getting sprayed, until the skunk spray was just dripping off of her face....and the skunk.....didn't make it, of course. And I felt bad, because the skunk was probably just scared and doing what God designed it to do....Megan, too, of course, but Meg lived to see another day....

Anyhow, I hate the cruelty of nature and animals. But this fox, or whatever it is, has inflicted so much cruelty on my animals, I am tending towards wanting revenge. Really bad. I'm angry. As much as I hate taking care of the ducks in the winter, I miss them. We've never been duckless before, ever since we moved to our land.

So what about DH, anyhow?

During all this drama with my mom, I've been so consumed with all the things that go along with the dementia, that I've hardly even written about DH. So I figured I'd give you a little lowdown....

I am really excited about things with DH, because it seems like the Depakote is really working. I'm almost afraid to say it out loud, but I've seen so many changes, that I have to chalk them up to something....

He's been more willing to do chores around the house. Sometimes I still need to remind him (ok, more than sometimes), but he's doing things. I admit, it's not anywhere near what he used to do, but he's taking his meds on a schedule. Not only that, but he's often taking them without me reminding him at all. Today he was out of cigarettes, and I told him that I wouldn't get them for him until he loaded the dishwasher and swept the floor. And he did both. No whining about it, either.

But here's another thing: (warning--animal lovers may be disturbed by the following, so if you might want to skip this part)--At the beginning of May, we had 29 ducks. For a while they were getting out of their pen and I couldn't figure out how. DH was no help at that time, and a bunch of ducks disappeared. I found and fixed the fence problem(s), and we were fine for a while. Then about a week ago, I noticed we were down to about 9 ducks. And a rooster, who had always preferred to live with the ducks, was missing, and all that remained was a big pile of feathers. That one was tough, because I was really attached to him. It was like a murder in the family. I cried. Then earlier this week, I realized we were down to only 5 ducks. Now we're only down to THREE. I pointed this out to DH and he has finally been able to take a gun and sit outside in hopes of killing a fox. This morning, he got up at 5am and went outside. And tonite he sat out there for over three hours. He told me to make sure he gets up at 4:30am tomorrow, so that he can make sure not to miss anything. I hope he kills it soon, because if he doesn't, I'm afraid we'll lose all the chickens, too. As much as I absolutely HATE taking care of those ducks in the winter, I'm really sad that this is happening and I hope it's over soon. About five years ago we had a fox that was getting our ducks, but DH was a lot more stable and healthy then, and it only took him 1 day and one bullet to get that fox.

Anyhow, I expressed my surprise at DH's willingness and ability to get up so early to watch for the fox (they usually come at sunup or sundown) and he told me he kind of liked it, because it made him feel useful and needed. I told him I hoped he put himself out of that job fast.

Oh. And on a day when I was particularly unhappy about having to buy his cigarettes (I just cannot afford them), I told him, "I'M SIGNING YOU UP FOR QUIT SMOKING CLASSES!!!" And you know what he said? This is going to blow some of you away. "I can't quit smoking, I LIKE smoking!!! Ok, I'll go, but you're going with me!"
So I guess I'm quitting smoking :-)
(no, I still don't smoke)

Whoa! Look at all the typos!!!

I'm usually a little bit of a spelling snob. Especially with my own stuff. (I'm clearly not a punctuation snob, as you can tell from my generous use of punctuation!!!) So anyhow, I was shocked when I reread some of my recent blog posts and saw all the typos....I guess I've not been even as clear as I thought, which was really not very clear!

Maybe over the weekend I'll fix the typos....

Or maybe I'll leave them there as a "tribute" to my personal chaos.

To go or not to go?

Well, the 4th of July is right around the corner. And my mom is still (of course) in the nursing home, still not doing too good, although we're kind of getting used to it now...

So here's my quandary for the day:

There is a family reunion on the 4th of July. All my mom's relatives. Her brother, nieces and nephews, cousins....it's at my cousin's house. He lives out in the country, in a house with one bathroom. About 110 miles away from home. It's going to be a pot luck thing.

Before my mom got sick, she was really looking forward to this get-together. We went last year, and she was glad she went. Getting her into the bathroom was a chore a year ago. Now, I have no doubt, it'd be even tougher. But my mom is still talking about the "get-together". I tried to suggest that maybe we could just take a special trip down there when she was feeling better, but she looked so sad, I just dropped it. She's been pretty confused, so I was kind of hoping that maybe she'd forget. But I have read (and it seems to hold true) that Alzheimer's patients can remember things when they have an emotional investment in them....so she probably won't forget this one....

I'm torn. I really don't want to go. I'd rather stay home. It's a long drive. I'm shy & quiet and although I enjoy seeing my relatives, I don't thrive on chatting with them. But there are so many reasons why I should find a way to get my mom there, not the least of which is "what if it's her last family reunion?" and really, most of my reasons for not wanting to go are related to the inconvience and stress that I would experience, not the joy that she would experience.

DH feels strongly that we need to find a way to get her there. And I can see his point. The nursing home would let us bring her, as long as she wasn't gone for 24 hours. I'm worried about that bathroom, too. If there are 50 people there, and one bathroom, my mom's 25-minute bathroom trips aren't going to be appreciated much. But there I go again, focusing on what other people think and not what my mom would like....

Seeing those people might lift her out of her depression....

I have been entertaining the thought of driving down there, staying for about a half hour or so, and then heading home....that way my mom can go, but we won't overdo it...

Every day brings something new, doesn't it?

When I used to talk to my mom about DH and DD, back when my mom was clearer-headed, I used to tell her, "Some people get a little bit of crap here and there throughout their lives. I'm just getting all of mine at once. So when the crap is over, I'll just have a crap-free life from there on, because I'll have already received all my crap." LOL. My new question is "When will the crap be over?"

Oh....and DH confessed that he did not fold the laundry.

New kind of crazy....

Well, things with my mom have not changed very much. The Seroquel did make her sleep, but it seemed to do nothing for her delusions/hallucinations, so they theorized that she was possibly extremely anxious, instead. So they started her on Xanax, an anti-anxiety drug, and it seems to be helping. She still gets worked up, but is making more sense now.

Today, we had a "care conference", with the therapists, the nursing staff, the dietary people, etc., and I learned that the results of a preliminary cognitive test show that currently my mom is functioning at a 4-year-old level, needing lots of prompts to do her activities of daily living. To me, that seems shocking, but then I don't know where she was before this happened. Probably less than 10, for sure. I guess nobody needs to say that you can't expect a 4 year old to live by herself, so right now, going back to her apartment is not realistic.

She still seems angry and depressed. And I found out that they were giving her Vicodin, because they were thinking that the confusion may have been caused by pain that she wasn't able to communicate. But now she is (in a general sense) making more sense, and still does not complain of pain, so I want them to stop the Vicodin, unless they can give me a valid, firmly rooted reason why she should be on it.

I'm so stressed out.

And yesterday, DD went to her "girls group", which is a group that her caseworker has, where teen girls who have problems with friendships can get together and have fun in a supervised setting. DD chose instead to get into a fight, and got brought home. Where she started screaming at the top of her lungs and saying that she was going to kill herself. When I tried to get her to lie down and take a nap, she tried to intimidate me, screamed in my ear and told me to "go to......" "work". (haha, I guess she knows what happens when you tell your mom to go someplace else)...
Anyhow, so that led to an emergency therapy session today, so I was really late to work. Jeez.

I'm so stressed out.

But all in all, my mom is relatively stable, and DD is sleeping. I'm working, back at work after a week off. I can't believe I had the foresight back in January, to know that I was going to need a week of vacation last week....I didn't have much relaxation, of course, but I didn't have to worry about work and my mom, too.

I'm still not giving up hope that my mom can go back to her apartment. But I willingly admit that I might be in denial. Time will tell.

P.S. DH just called me to tell me that he did a load of laundry. I hope he folded it. I can't remember the last time he did laundry. I am so grateful that the Depakote seems to be stabilizing him, because I don't know what I could do if everyone was unstable at once.....

Seroquel. Not just for bipolars any more.

They are putting my mom on Seroquel to try to stop the delusions and paranoia that she has been having. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But I guess I'm willing to try almost anything at this point. They also took some blood samples to make sure that they (once again) weren't missing anything. I'll keep you posted, of course. DH has been unbelievable, for the most part, helping, being supportive, and last night when we went to the grocery store, he didn't whine or complain at all when I didn't want to buy candy or ice cream....he just said "ok". That's a big one for him, really. He's really been trying hard. And I can't imagine what would be going on if he was unstable right now. I'd probably become mentally unstable myself.