What a difference a year or two or Lithium makes.

Every year we go to visit my uncle and aunt for a small family get-together/barbecue. It's always on the Sunday before Memorial Day. So, since the last two of these events were not yet memorialized in my blog, I'd better bring you up to speed!

Memorial Barbecue 2006: DH was very depressed. He came with us to my uncles, but after about a half hour of socializing (remember, in his normal state, DH is very funny, outgoing and social), he went and sat in the car. I thought I'd made him angry, but he just kept telling me he wasn't in the mood. Then he decided he was going to go and buy some cigarettes down the street, and he didn't come back for an hour. I think everyone there was wondering what was up. And I completely didn't know what to say. At this point, I really didn't have any idea that it was a mental illness, I just thought he was moody, judgmental, maybe he didn't like my family....?

Memorial Barbecue 2007: About two months after he was hospitalized for mental illness. DH said he felt much better, but this was a time when his drinking, spending, tattoos, prescription drug abuse (Percocet, to be exact), were out of control. At the time, I had little idea of the extent of the problems. DH was still working at this time, but had stopped paying any bills. All of his paychecks were going to the above-mentioned habits. He decided that my family didn't like him because they didn't ask him to play his guitar. He spent a lot of time sitting in the car "smoking". Then he had a panic attack and had to "go and get cigarettes" again for about an hour. DD had a tantrum because I asked her to leave Dad be for now.

Memorial Barbecue 2008: DH has been on Lithium for about three months now. DH cracked jokes, was very appropriate throughout the entire get-together, laughed, played his guitar, chatted with all of my relatives. He played with DD and the other kids, and in general was very much his old self. He teased me for taking too many napkins (that's always been a joke of ours) He didn't ask me once if (whoever) didn't like him. He didn't go and sit in the car. He did go to buy cigarettes, but when I took him off and asked if he was doing ok, he said he truly just had to go buy cigarettes, and he came back in 5 minutes. Wow.

Probably good that he was in such good spirits today, because there was a tornado only a few blocks from where we were, and the weather got pretty scary for a while. My mom was very nervous, and we had to keep going down in the basement, so that was rather hard on her. She was very glad to have it over with....No damage, though, to our house or my uncle's house, so that was good. I know a lot of other families weren't so lucky--one family lost a two year old child in the tornado. How very sad.

Well, still not perfect, of course....

DH has been getting angry with me again about money. He borrowed a bunch of money from Jim ($240.00), didn't tell me he did it, and now "needs" me to give him the money to pay Jim back. I gave him $120, of which he SAYS he gave Jim $40. I don't even believe that. That giant money-sucking black hole that is DH is still there, for sure. And then today he overslept and barely woke up in time to get DD up (it's my night to stay in the City--saves on gas and sleep time), and then he canceled one appointment and just plain didn't show up for another one, because he "overslept" until 3pm again. But when it gets to be 2am and I tell him to go to bed, he gets angry with me. So I am trying to just let him make his own mistakes, maybe he'll start to be more responsible (ha.)

If he can't manage to go to bed at a decent time, set his alarm so that he can get to a 1pm appointment, how on earth can anyone realistically expect him to get or keep a job? Of course I didn't say this to him, but I might over the weekend.

I am so excited for the weekend, because I am really truly going to have two days off from both jobs in a row. Memorial Day Monday, AND Tuesday, too. It's probably been a year since I've done that...it seems like whenever I take my vacation time from my main job, the other job ends up "shorthanded" and I end up working a LOT. So this is very pleasant. I hope the weather is nice!

Anyhow, I'm still working on Saturday and Sunday, as usual, so I won't be totally lost...I don't know what I'd do with a 5-day weekend....probably just have a 5-day fight with DH, LOL

Back pain and mental health

Just a little note: Today DH told me that he really hasn't had any back pain since he started the Lithium. And he told me that he hasn't been taking any methadone (he was taking it for his severe back pain) and he is no longer taking any muscle relaxers, and no more ibuprofen, and no more pain killers of any type. He marveled at the fact that he is no longer even putting the methadone in his pill box any more. I had always thought that there was definitely a link between his mental health and his back pain, but this really proves it to me.....I had read some things by Dr. Sarno and it was very convincing. But when DH was sick, I could never get him to realize it...another cool thing!!!

Something funny about bipolar fog and Lithium

I'm sure, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you've noticed me complaining about DH's lack of memory and inability to retain things...before all of this bipolar stuff that was not the case, but I guess it comes with the territory. One time (before Lithium) DD had been given some Christmas presents and we brought them home in the car. Then, she brought them in, and we all watched her open the presents and oohed and ahhed over what she got. Then about five minutes after we had cleaned up the wrapping paper, DH said, "DD, don't forget you've got those presents in the car." DD and I both looked at DH as if he was maybe making a joke. But no. He completely had not registered that she had just opened them, even though he had been a part of it!!!

Anyhow, earlier today we were driving over to my mom's assisted living apartment. DH stops in mid-sentence and says "WOW!!!! Look at that old house!!! It's beautiful!!!!" I thought that was kind of strange, but I just kind of said "yeah, it is!". Then about a block later he says "OH!! Look!!! There's another beautiful old house!!!" And I started laughing and told him "DH, my mom has lived here for two and a half years. This is the way we always drive to get there. Are you telling me that you've never noticed those houses before?" And he kind of realized how funny that was, and he kind of giggled and said "Well....they could've moved them in last night...." Then we had a conversation about the things that Lithium is doing for him that we never even knew were problems!!! Funny in a cool way!!!

You must be on the edge of your seats...

I really lit into him when I got home that night/morning. I told him that he's gone to the casino more times in the last three weeks than he has in the last three years put together. He started to argue with me. It was a good kind of arguing, for once, though, because "That Guy" was still gone. I was having a "regular" argument with my husband and we were both hearing each other and making sense. So after the mad was over, we decided to try to figure out why he was doing this. And he came up with the possibility that back when he was "normal" (not bipolar that we knew anyhow), he was very outgoing and had lots of friends. He could make friends with anyone at all. That was something that I always loved about him. Anyhow, he was thinking that part of the reason he is being drawn to the casino is because he misses all the people, the chit-chat, the joking....the kinds of things you say to acquaintances, you know? And I strongly told him that he could get that need met by volunteering somewhere, or, finding a job somewhere. He thought about it, and agreed with me. Then, after our talk, he was so motivated, he got up and went job hunting! And he might have found something. It sounds very promising. Supposedly they will be calling him tomorrow. I'm hopeful. He hasn't gone to the casino since.

And he's been going to bed at a decent time, too. It's made so much of a difference in his motivation and his energy, he wakes up, gets up and DOES STUFF. It's great. And the greatest part of all this is that when we were arguing, and I knew he was angry with me and I was angry with him, "That Guy" never came out at all. When he's not around (That Guy), I feel safe talking about anything and everything with DH because my real DH and I have always had that kind of relationship. It was just a couple of days ago that they upped his Lithium dose again, and it feels good.

Here I go again...

Well, I was looking for ways to not tell you this, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of this blog, so here it goes: HE'S AT THE CASINO AGAIN.

He says he only brought $4. He says he went to listen to the band, who was over with at midnight. But it's 1:15am and he hasn't called me yet like he said he would. I don't like this stuff at all. It's another way for him to spend money. I know he told me he traded in our aluminum cans today and got $25, so I imagine that he's "staying busy" with that....sigh....Things are really (in general) so much better, I just don't know why he's doing this (ok, the obvious answer is that he's still not healthy, still not right, even though he IS better...) and I am apparently powerless to get him to stop. I'm apparently going to have to have a tantrum to get my point across.

And DH told me that Jim has been acting like nothing happened. DH also said that he reminded Jim to fill out his paperwork again. I would put money on it not getting done. But Jim did elect not to go to the casino with DH, so who knows....I am sure ready for Jim to go. I think that the more he drags his feet, the more angry I am getting with him....I hope we can get him to leave before I end up being rude to him...

I really didn't want to tell you that. I wanted to tell you all the good things and forget about that. But since the bad stuff is kind of the core of this blog, it seems wrong to leave it out, LOL....anyhow, he DID get a lot done today....in addition to cashing in those cans, he got rid of a bunch of scrap snowblowers that were cluttering up the yard...and he worked on fixing the wood splitter and he did actually get out of bed.....ok, well, for him it was a good day....for a regular person, probably not all that wonderful, LOL

I guess I'll just remind myself again to "lower my expectations".

Thanks for being there.

Whoa. Just Whoa.

DH just called me. He's at the casino AGAIN. I started to get mad at him, because earlier he was telling me that he didn't have any money for cigarettes (I didn't volunteer) but anyhow, here's what DH told me:

He and Jim had a rather large disagreement. A yelling kind of disagreement. I had called the house and nobody answered, and then I called DH's cell phone, I kind of already suspected he was at the casino, because he has been wanting to go there a LOT. And I've told him that it's a bad idea, etc., but as usual, in his mind, it's not a bad idea at all, because the slot machines he plays are pretty cheap (on an average day $10 can last a couple of hours) but he doesn't have much to say when I point out that staying home is a lot cheaper. Jim keeps giving DH money for the casino, so I guess as long as he doesn't expect me to pay for it, well, whatever!

Anyhow, so I suspected he was at the casino, and I started to get kind of mad, because I had just talked to him earlier today about the fact that DD does more work in our house lately than DH and Jim put together, so he said he understood, but when I figured he was at the casino again, I started to see red. I figured that he had just said he understood so that I'd shut up. And that made me feel disrespected, but I didn't have time to voice that, because he started to "explain". Anyhow, he told me he had had an argument with Jim. I didn't believe him. He sounded so calm and matter-of-fact, I told him he was lying and what was really going on, and he told me he really did have an argument with Jim. (the calmness in his voice must be from the Lithium, maybe?)

Back a couple of years ago, Jim started "seeing" this girl who, as he told us is a "former lesbian". (I suspect that the "former" part is an exaggeration) They have never even kissed, and he calls her his girlfriend. He sends her girlfriend-type presents and talks about when he and she get married, etc., but it's all so stupid. Really. And I'm not saying that for any reason other than it is stupid. After he had been at our house a short time, he had discovered that she had cleaned out his bank accounts and run up a $5000 phone bill on his account. When he confronted her, she somehow convinced him that it was some kind of mistake. (right.) Then a month or so ago, Jim had told us that this girl wants to get married, because she is in the army and can get more money for being married. Jim was viewing it as "this is our romantic future". Even DH, as unstable as he was at the time, saw right through all this stuff. But neither of us said anything, we figured "Jim can't be that dumb, can he?"

Then apparently, tonite, Jim was telling DH that this girl (his "girlfriend") was in a 7 year relationship with a guy but never had any kind of (ahem) physical relationship with him at all. When that guy finally(!) told her that he was tired of waiting, offered to marry her or whatever, she left him. Now here is Jim, ready to marry this same person who he has never even kissed, but has emptied out his bank accounts. Then Jim revealed some other things about her, like she cuts herself. (I know a lot of people do, but in light of the other stuff, it just seems more wrong.) She never calls him, and in all the time he has been at our house she has never written to him or sent him a present at all. Are you seeing red flags here?

Anyhow, apparently DH tried to explain this to Jim (seeing as we know that people never listen when it comes to romance, it was probably not the smartest idea) and when Jim started yelling about it, DH said, "Jim, you know, we really like you, and you've been a big help, but it's time to move on..." and Jim got mad and wouldn't talk to DH after that. DH was, apparently, more upset about this at that time, so he went "for a drive and wound up at the casino". Knowing how upset he gets when he has an argument with anyone, I wasn't so mad about the casino any more, and he was really handling it well, considering.

I was really happy that he told Jim it was time to move on. I hope it doesn't ruin their friendship, but I'm starting to think that if DH or I don't tell him to leave, he is never going to, ever. So I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles. Can't say I'm too upset right now.....I don't want anything bad to happen to Jim, but like I told DH, our house and Iraq aren't the only options he has. He can go and rent a little apartment and still come to our house all the time. He can get a job and just stick around. Or he can go back to Georgia, which is where he met his "girlfriend", who's in Iraq right now. Lots of options. It's all so weird.

But when I think about Jim being gone, I do get very happy. Now that things are starting to get somewhat better with DH, it would benefit all of us if DH and I were able to be a "couple" again....and that really won't happen if Jim is hanging around, especially the way he invites himself along....it makes me sad to think about the possibility of him leaving on "not so great" terms, but I am at my wits' end as to how to do it in any nicer of a way.....probably, of course, bringing it up in the middle of an argument wasn't the best way, but it did have to be said....

More Famous People with Bipolar

DH was talking with his Nurse Practitioner who prescribes his meds and she started telling him about all these famous celebrities who have bipolar. He was amazed. She referred him to this link.

Famous Bipolar People

And I was amazed too! I didn't know Sting was bipolar, or Peter Gabriel. I knew Robin Williams was, but I didn't know about Ben Stiller. And Mark Twain, too???

Very interesting stuff. When I think of what's gone on in our family this past year or two, I have to wonder what some of these celebrities went through, as well as those famous people who were bipolar before there were many effective treatments for it...sometimes I'm sad that I live in the times I do, but when it comes to mental illness, I'm very grateful, for sure!

And I think I'll add the main site to my blogroll, too, as there is a lot of information about Bipolar on there. Just figured I'd share!

Rambling To and Fro...

Well, I had a great Mother's Day, and yesterday was great, too. DH was very much his "old self" and he finally went to his appointment with the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds. She thinks he is not yet on enough Lithium. That we are seeing big changes from what he is on, but it's not enough to get rid of most of the bad days. So on Friday, assuming his blood levels are all right, he will go from taking 600 mg Lithium twice a day to taking 900 mg Lithium twice a day. We'll see what that does...she also decided that he should keep taking the same amount of Seroquel, but instead of taking some of it in the morning, he should take most of it at bedtime. She is hoping that will a) get him on a day/night schedule more, and b) relax him enough before bed to where he can wear the CPAP, which will improve his awakeness, too.

So that was all very hopeful, and once again, if this much Lithium is this good, I'm hoping that even more will be even better....

But....and maybe this is all me this time....I have a weird feeling today. Nothing I can put my finger on, but I feel weird. DH called me, said he feels good. He got a TON of stuff done today, since he got up at 11am, and had daytime hours to get things done with....so maybe that's the Seroquel thing taking hold....who knows....anyhow, there's something in his voice that is somehow making me think that things could get "bad" again really fast. So I'm being wary. I think it kind of feels weird to have him be getting all this stuff done, as I don't know if he's manic, or if he's "back to normal." I guess time will tell....and even if there's a "bad" day, I'll just tell myself that this weekend, with the new Lithium dose, should be very good.

Oh--and he went to see his therapist, too....his therapist, I guess, lectured him about sabotaging his recovery--sleeping through appointments, etc., and also told DH that no man who can walk and breathe, even in a bad economy, could go 9 months of "trying hard" to find a job and not get one. He pretty much told DH that DH isn't trying hard enough to find a job. I agree but didn't say anything about that, because DH, in his "normal" state, would have no trouble seeing the truth in that himself. I don't need to rub salt in the wounds by pointing out that I agree.

One of the things DH did today was figure out why our riding lawn mower wasn't working (the solenoid?). He went to the house of a guy in town who repairs lawnmowers and got a solenoid, and while he was there, the guy said he has a very nice riding lawn mower for $300. Even well before this, even last fall, I had been thinking we really needed something different, as ours is ALWAYS broken, but I don't have $300. I told DH that I can't do anything until we get our "economic stimulus" check, hopefully we are supposed to get that this week. He told me that he could have Jim pay for it and I could pay him back. And I said, "NO. I AM NOT GOING TO OWE JIM ONE MORE DIME. EVERY TIME HE SPENDS MONEY ON US OR LOANS YOU MONEY OR WHATEVER GIVES HIM MORE LEEWAY TO STAY LONGER, UNTIL I CAN PAY IT BACK. I DO NOT WANT THAT AT ALL. JIM HAS TO GO. HE IS STRESSING ME OUT TO NO END. I WANT MY LIVING ROOM BACK. DD HAS ALSO POINTED OUT THAT SHE IS SICK OF HIM. NO. NO. NO. NO MORE HELP FROM JIM."

And, LOL, DH said "I understand." And I don't think I told you all, but I told DH on Monday, that if Jim is not gone by July 1, I am going to gently tell him he needs to leave. DH said he didn't think Jim would still be here by then. I told him we didn't think Jim would still be here last November. I am so sick of these weird family dynamics. DH and I were going to go for a drive together to figure out how to handle a problem with DD. And Jim just comes running up..."You're going someplace? I'll be right there!" ARGH. He is wonderful. But I get closer to losing my temper with him every day.

On the upside, we've got 3 hens sitting on eggs now...I love baby chicks, so I hope they all do good!! And I'm getting so hopeful with DH, that I've started getting excited about things that I used to enjoy, that I had really really put aside while we were in crisis. I started looking at ads for wallpaper and linoleum and other relatively cheap ways to fix up your home and I got all excited, just like I used to, back when things were normal....when I realized that it shouldn't be too long before things are more normal than ever, I got really happy.

Oh--and Mrs. Bun is still doing pretty good. She seems pretty skinny, but she's as active as ever, and her appetite is good. When we get our stimulus check, I think I'll bring her to the vet (an hour away and very expensive) just to know for sure what is going on, although, based on her age and all, I'm pretty sure I already know.

And last but not least, please say prayers for the people whose homes were destroyed by tornadoes this week, as well as for the people of Myanmar, that they can receive some of the relief that they need after the cyclone, and also for the thousands of people affected by the earthquake in China. It seems like so many people are living through devastating disasters, sometimes when you think of what they've lost, you realize what you have.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Well, today was Mother's Day. I didn't expect much, it's been about 2 years since I got any kind of present or a card from DH for anything, and although I had given DD $5 to go shopping, she usually spends it all on her bio mom, so I didn't expect much from her, either.

But I was in for a surprise. First of all, DH gave me a lovely card. I can't remember the wording exactly, but it said something like "I don't know how you do it, but you're amazing. If we have to go through this, I'm really glad you're here." He must have searched far and wide to find such an appropriate card. I was shocked. And he gave me a little potted plant, and then I went outside, where Jim was planting the first of three new Apple trees!!! That was really nice, too, as I knew I couldn't afford more fruit trees, but early in his stay, Jim had managed to run over my cherry tree and an apple tree, so I had pretty much given up hope on the fruit tree front....and then this!!!

And DD gave me a nice card and some scented candles....that was a surprise, too!!! With all the cats, we don't really use many candles, but I'll give them a try tomorrow just to see what they smell like....mmmm

It was a really nice day. DH was doing so well, I felt like I used to, back when things were normal. All of a sudden, things I hadn't thought of for ages seemed possible again, and I was getting excited about fixing up the house and all that, I loved to do that back when DH was healthy....I've really got to remind myself that things most certainly won't stay like this, but it's so hard to do that. I know that just as excited as I am right now, I'll be that much sad when he has the next "bad" day or days. So I really have to rein in all this excitement, I'm only setting myself up for disappointment, of course....but try to tell my heart that!!!

Oh--and lest you think I forgot my mom, well, I had asked her what she wanted to do for Mother's Day, I named off every restaurant I could think of, offered to take her to the casino, and you know what she asked for? "Well, I really like it when you cook those frozen pizzas at my apartment." So that's what we did. We sat down and had Jack's Pizzas. And I gave her a card. An all-around nice day, for sure!!!