Bipolar Hedonist

DH's therapist hit it right on the head. "You are one of the biggest hedonists I have ever met."
Wow. I never really knew there was a word for it. But, if you're not sure what it means, a hedonist is "a person whose life is devoted to the pursuit of pleasure and self-gratification." That's DH. Since about 2005 it's been "all about DH, all the time". And if, in the process of making himself feel good, he can make me happy too, then so be it. But most of the time, it's just all about him. And food to make him feel good. And cigarettes (I don't remember if I told you that I require that he roll his own cigarettes now but I still buy the tobacco). And candy. And pop. And money. And anything else, apparently, that he can do to make himself feel good.
I could tell that it bothered DH to hear this about himself. I could also tell that he was expecting me to say something like "well, that's not really true..." But what I said was "Wow! He's got it! And he figured that out in 4 weeks? It took me a lot longer than that!" Hehe. I shouldn't laugh, but really....that therapist must be a sharpie!
I've been trying (in a gentle way) to ask myself what that says about me. Maybe I have a martyr complex. Maybe I'm just so laid back I don't care. Or maybe I just choose to believe that he can't help it and it's his mental illness.
See, that's the problem I have all the time--which of his behaviors are choices he makes, and which ones are due to his mental illness and can't be helped? I really struggle with this, nearly every day. I wish I could talk to that therapist of his. But I'm sure that'd be a conflict of interest.

Treatment

So... DH started treatment. I had to leave the phone calls (to get the treatment program set up) to him, as I don't have much time during the workday. I specifically wanted him to find a treatment program for people with a "dual diagnosis", as I strongly believe that DH's mental health issues need to be addressed in conjunction with the chemical issues. I don't believe that there is an addiction problem as such (although maybe the Percocet would qualify), it's more of a self-medicating thing and not knowing when to stop. And that is directly connected to the mental illness.
I stressed over and over again the importance of the dual diagnosis treatment. And after DH got his treatment set up, it turns out that he "forgot" about the dual diagnosis thing. Now, in our small town, there aren't a whole ton of options as far as treatment programs go, but sheesh, if he's going to go to treatment, it should be one that's effective, even if he has to drive an hour or two to get there--after all, he's not working, so why not?
Can you tell I might still be a little bothered by that? :-)
Well, anyhow....I mentioned that I wished DH would have gotten involved in a dual diagnosis program to the probation officer, and he didn't think there was a problem with the treatment program that DH signed up for. So I guess I'll just go along with that despite my misgivings...after all, I control the money and the Percocet (when DH gets some)...
Oh--did I mention that DH also (at the direction of the probation officer) started seeing a therapist (more on that later)? Anyhow, between the therapy and the treatment program 3 nights a week, and the 2 AA meetings that DH is required to attend as part of his treatment, he's been a lot busier than usual. But that also means that a lot of things are getting discussed that DH doesn't usually talk about. I'm not sure if that's good or bad yet.

DH--bipolar DWI

Well, it shocked the heck out of me, but really, it didn't.
DH's friend Jim came on Memorial Weekend for a visit. He and DH went out to "shoot pool" and "have a beer or two". Now just to clarify, DH does not drink often. Maybe once or twice a year. But when he does, the concept of "Social Drinking" kind of goes out the window. It's "all or nothing" for him.
When he does want to drink, I'm always concerned, because the Lithium and Depakote can intensify the effects of the alcohol. He half-jokingly asked me how many beers he could have, and I said "two or three, no more!" and he said "Oh! I was thinking I could only have one or two!" So since he was aware of the fact that I thought he should limit his intake, and because Jim (who tends to be very responsible) was going along and also driving, I didn't worry much. I went off to work my overnight shift at the 2nd job.
When I got home in the morning, DH's car was gone and so was Jim's. I knew that Jim was going to leave for his home early in the morning, so the fact that his car was not there did not surprise me. In fact, I wasn't even very concerned that DH's car was not there, I just figured the two of them went out to breakfast before Jim left (Jim always takes DH out to eat when he visits). So imagine my surprise when I went into the house and there was DH! "I got arrested," he said.
It turns out that DH and Jim had only had one beer at the bar. On the way back from the bar, Jim, trying to be generous, as money is still tight and I never give much to DH, gave DH a $20 bill so that DH could have some spending money. Jim went to bed, DH got in his car and went back to the bar.
According to DH, while he was at the bar the 2nd time, the man sitting next to him kept buying him drinks. DH knew he was pretty drunk when the man offered to share a joint with him. Now, in the history of our marriage, I honestly do not believe that DH has smoked pot. But of course he did on this fateful night. He then got in his car to go home, it was 8 miles on a rural road.
DH doesn't remember much of what happened after that. Apparently he couldn't find the right road to go home. He ended up 43 miles away from home, having hit a guardrail (on the drivers side, yet--if that tells you anything) and being pulled over by a police officer who had to swerve to avoid being hit by DH in the oncoming lane.
The police report states that DH said to the officer "I'm bombed and need to go to jail!".
So he did. Jim bailed him out before I got home, then Jim left, to avoid the fireworks.
So. On our tight budget, it cost 300.00 to get his car out of the impound. $800 in fines and court costs, and $720.00 to get his license back after 90 days of suspension. In all fairness, DH did do community service to pay the court fines. I told our insurance agent that DH got a DWI, the agent said "I never heard that." and told me that the auto insurance company might not find out. I very much hope not.
Anyhow, as part of his sentence for the DWI, DH had to do an "alcohol assessment", where they basically try to determine whether there is a problem or not. Based on what DH told the probation officer, the probation officer determined that DH needed some kind of treatment. Both for the drinking to excess and the Percocet. And I'm glad for that. DH....well, he just keeps saying how sorry he is that he was honest with the probation officer.
As it becomes clear that this bipolar thing is permanent, I am finding myself better able to recognize that DH's thinking doesn't make sense and I'm not likely to convince him otherwise.

Ok, something's up here......

DH just called to tell me that he made an appointment to go to physical therapy for his back.

What the???!!!!

Basically every doctor in town has told him that he needs to go, but after more than three years he's made exactly one appointment (at my behest) and attended that and never went back.

But he called and set up the appointment himself.  I absolutely cannot believe it.

Maybe the med changes are a good thing.....?  (Or maybe he's feeling good about taking care of his diabetes and it's overflowing?) I don't know, but I'll sure take it!

I don't like my daughter.

We've had several "home visits" now, where she comes to our house and spends a couple of days.  Of course, with me still working both jobs, I don't have a lot of time to spend with her, but that's ok, because most of the time I don't want to spend time with her at all.  Isn't that sad?

It's as if she is constantly looking for an "excuse" to get angry with me.  Here's an example:  About a week ago, DH and I picked DD up at the place where she's at.  DD had been talking about applying for a scholarship so that she could attend a rather prestigious cooking school.  While I do think that cooking school is a much better and much more realistic choice than her previous choice (paleontologist), when she showed me the scholarship rules, I got worried.  The scholarship can only be won by achieving a certain score on the ACT college entrance exam.  I know that unless things change drastically, she can't do that.  She has yet to pass the skills test for graduation, and she's taken it several times.  I hate to see her disappointed, so, thinking ahead, I said "that's great!  And I know if the scholarship doesn't work out, there are a lot of programs for former foster children that can pay your way, too!" And she got right up in my face and told me that "I have my heart set on this and you never want to let me do anything I want!"  And she kept right on yelling at me, even when I asked her "Did you even hear a word I said?"  Sadly, this is kind of a typical exchange for her and me.

The treatment center where she is at has said that they have now talked with the county and the county will only pay for her to stay there until June.  And at that point, we have to decide where she is going.  They are pushing for her to come back to our house.  I don't want to live with her, but I feel like a bad mom when I even think like that.  So I keep going along with things....

Then.....this week they started bringing up the possibility of allowing DD to go on unsupervised visits to her bio mom's.  "Because her bio mom has been going to therapy and appears to have cleaned up her act..."  Everything about this made me want to scream "No, no, no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  But once again, since they (the therapists) seem to think it's a good idea, especially since DD will be turning 18 soon (and despite the fact that supposedly the legal guardianship is moving along) as they don't want DD to resent us for keeping her from her bio mom.  So once again....I feel like a bad mom, because these visits are the last thing I want and the last thing I think will be good for DD.  Her bio mom has very good intentions but cannot say no to DD, not ever.  Kind of like DH, but there's nobody there (at bio mom's ) to step in when that happens.  And....I admit it....I know DD will always choose bio mom over me, so I'm already a little hurt and jealous in advance.

It's all very hard for me.  DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with these things at all.  Mostly right now I just want to throw up my hands and say "all right already, she can do whatever the hell she wants and I'm not going to waste any more energy on maintaining a relationship with this hateful little person!" But I know that's not the answer either....it's just that I'm overwhelmed without worrying about these things, and I don't think there's a way I can make a good decision here, at least one that I'm comfortable with.....

P.S.  Please say a heartfelt prayer for everyone in Japan right now....my cousin (who is Japanese-American) was in Tokyo when the earthquake happened, and she and her husband are ok, but we aren't sure if they're coming back to the U.S. now or not (they weren't planning on it).....

Time to make a Dr. appt...I suppose...when I have time...

I participated in a clinical study for caregivers recently.  Yesterday I received this in my email:

"......Hope you are having a good week!

We have been looking at caregivers' responses to the first set of questionnaires that you completed. One set of questions asked about caregiver burden and stress, and the other set asked about feelings of depression. I wanted to share your score on each questionnaire. Note that this information is and will remain confidential. These questionnaires are used by health care providers in many settings.


Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory

The Zarit questionnaire measures feelings of stress and burden. Possible scores on this scale range from 0 to 48. A higher score means a higher level of stress and burden.

Scoring guidelines:
0 – 11 = little or no burden
12 – 23 = mild to moderate burden
24 – 35 = moderate to severe burden
36 – 48 = severe burden

YOUR Zarit Caregiver Burden Inventory score: 35

If your score is 24 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.


Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression Scale

This scale, called the CES-D, measures feelings of depression. Possible scores range from 0 to 30. A high score means a higher level of depressive symptoms or feelings.

Scoring guidelines:
7 or lower = few or no depressive symptoms are present
8 or higher = some depressive symptoms are present

If your score is 8 or above, I strongly encourage you to bring this up with your doctor as soon as you can.

YOUR Center for Epidemiologic Studies Depression score: 20


Now what?

These questionnaires do not provide a diagnosis, but may indicate an area of concern. You may want to talk about your feelings with your doctor or a counselor since your scores on both assessments were on the higher end. I have also attached two documents for you that discuss caregiver stress and depression, which may be of some help."

I know I've been stressed out, and suspected I was depressed but...jeesh!  I'll be making an appointment as soon as I have time (it will have to be on a Saturday, but I can do it....it can only help, right?)

I've been busy and busier....

I really wish there was some way I could transpose my thoughts (not all of them of course) directly to this blog without actually typing--I've been thinking about so many things I need to share with you all and I just haven't seemed to have time to actually follow through :-(

I'm not sure that any of this will be in any semblance of order, so if something seems chronologically out of whack, it's probably because I'm just spewing thoughts....

Anyhow.....I got a "new to me" car--to replace my little red Corolla that didn't make it through the deer encounter....I'm not sure if I told you or not, that the insurance company only gave me about $4000 for my car--it was a 2004, but it had 275,000 miles on it (from that darned long commute to the job that no longer exists), so they took about $3000 off for that high mileage.

So DH and I went car shopping.  Several times.  And I learned that it's really really hard to find used Toyotas.  And it's even harder to find used Toyotas that cost less than $5000.  Apparently, people tend to drive them until they drop, or until they hit deer.  So I went online and found a total of about three Corollas within a hundred miles that were in the right price range AND 2003 or newer.  It became obvious that I was going to have to "settle".  DH and I went to a nearby "big town" and went to pretty much every car lot there.  We test drove a couple of older Toyotas and a 2005 Kia Rio.  I liked it (the Kia), but I hadn't done any research on how reliable it is/was, so decided to stick to the Toyota plan until further notice.  It sounds like I made the right call there, based on what I could find online.

The next day, after finding a used car dealer that advertised several used (but older--sigh) Toyotas online, we drove to that place, about 120 miles away from home.  And drove about 10 Toyotas, from a 1991 to a 2002.  A lot of them were really junky.  Especially the "really old" ones.  But we wound up buying a baby blue 1997 Toyota Camry XLE, which is the top-of-the-line Camry.  Fully loaded, leather seats, power sunroof, etc.  Everything works except the dash light for the tachometer.  Rides like a limo.  The mechanic (who we didn't know but figured was better than nothing) we brought it to (on short notice) said he didn't see any obvious reasons why we shouldn't buy it.  So we/I did.  It's a lot bigger than my Corolla, which means that it'll get a lot worse gas mileage (and the 6 cylinder engine isn't going to help either) but I really want/need the reliability (hopefully) of a Toyota, because I'd rather spend a little extra consistently on gas than have huge unexpected repair bills every time I turn around.....anyhow, if you picture this car in baby blue, that's exactly what it looks like (I'd have taken a picture of the actual car, but it's dark out and I don't want to wait!)

I'm still really scared that it's gonna break down any minute.  The inside is so clean, I can't believe anyone ever drove it....and it's by far the most luxurious car I've ever owned.  I actually test drove it three times to make sure I wasn't being swayed by the luxury.  But compared to the other Toyotas I drove, even the 2002, it seemed a lot less worn (I hope!).  I'm glad that's over with.

One of the main reasons I haven't posted this past week is that we've been working on clearing out my mom's assisted living apartment.  It's been a lot more emotional than I anticipated.  Every time I've been over there I've ended up sobbing--even DH, who's "a man who's not supposed to cry" (according to him) broke down when he saw that they had taken her name off of the door.  I know it's been really hard on him, too.  But he's trying to be strong for me.  He's really been a help, although he's been somewhat stubborn about his ideas--one night he wanted to start moving furniture at 9:30pm, and when I said that we should wait until morning, he argued with me and sulked for the rest of the night...but he got up in the morning and moved furniture and it all worked out....anyhow....I'm not sure if we were supposed to have everything out today (7/31) or if it matters, but there are still a few boxes in the apartment and I still need to vacuum the floor and clean the oven...so I'm hoping nobody will care if I finish up on Sunday....it'll feel good to be done with that, too--then I can concentrate on just visiting with my mom.

And my mom's cat.  He's at our house right now, in DD's bedroom, because he's about 16 years old and I was worried that he might not adjust well to a house full of animals....he's been doing ok, I guess, eating and drinking....but.....today I decided to bring him to visit my mom in the nursing home, and I noticed that his meow had changed.  In my experience that is never a good thing.  I observed (and I may have mentioned this before) that his belly is very very large, but you can feel his bones.  It doesn't appear that he's jaundiced (which would explain the large belly [ascites

DD is still having a tough time at her residential treatment facility.  She's had to be physically restrained twice this past week, and she had a big tantrum in the therapist's office when the therapist informed her that due to her behavior, she would not be allowed to go off grounds with DH and I to shop or go out to eat.  And then there are her bio relatives, who, in the 9 years that DD has lived with us, despite our continued urging, have never called her to go out for ice cream, never called her to say hi, never called us to ask how she's doing....now that they've learned that DD is in this new setting, are demanding to visit her there, and accusing us of "keeping her from them".  Argh.  I need to keep biting my tongue.  The therapist says DD is too unstable at the moment to have visits from bio family members.  So I've been telling them to call the therapist.  But it's still stressful!

So that's pretty much what I remember about what's been going on this past week or two--oh--and I have a job interview on Aug. 9.  Oh--and did I tell you (probably not) that I found out that because my job went overseas I could go to school for whatever I want (as long as it's in demand) including a Masters degree if I wanted to and they would continue to pay me unemployment for the entire time I was in school????  I'm kind of leaning towards getting some sort of computer certification that would result in a better job (hopefully).  If DH keeps working (and I know that's a big "if"), it would be doable.  So if I were to take something that required one year of schooling at a local Vo-Tech, and if DH could hold out for a year or so, then when I got done with school, even if DH couldn't keep working, I could go back to making similar money to what I was making at my corporate job before I got laid off.  Some things to think about, for sure!

Guilt and fear. That's what we've got.....

I talked to the staff at the hospital, and they are administering some tests to find out if FASD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder are just the tip of the iceberg. I talked with DD's staff and he told me that DD is "very hurt" by "something her dad said". I'm aware of that, and I know that while DD was in the process of hitting DH, he said, "I'm through with you!". And DD said a whole lot more than that, but of course her words don't count--but DH's will be remembered forever.

I know her penchant for untruthfulness and knowing that she's there in the hospital, I get worried that she's exaggerating or lying and that they will believe her stories. I know that she isn't the first kid to lie though, so they've probably figured some of that out....and I worry about how our family and family dynamics will be perceived. I'm sure that DD will tell them all sorts of bad things about DH (and probably me, too, although she's more upset with DH right now), and won't bother to explain to them that after nearly four years of struggling with mental illness of his own, he has just gotten back to work again and with me being laid off but working for the Census, our family does not have a routine or a lot of stability right now.

Her staff already told me that DD is upset that we haven't come to visit yet. The hospital, though, is two hours away and I don't get paid time off from my part time job. Not to mention that it's virtually impossible to find a replacement at a minutes' notice. So I feel guilty about that, too.

Mostly, though, I feel bad that I haven't been as good of a mom as I could have been. There are so many things I wanted to teach her and experience with her, and all of this working and DH's problems and my mom's problems have really taken that away from us. And now I'm just a "mediocre" mom with a kid who's acting out and somehow it's probably my fault, since DH can't be blamed (since he was completely out of the loop for so long).

They are trying some new medications for her. This hospital (which is a different one from the one she was in last fall) seems like they really want to help.

But you know, just imagining the things that she is saying to them about us makes me very angry and I haven't even heard them yet (this time). But she's said similar things enough times.

Truthfully, part of me wishes that the hospital would say that she SHOULD go to a group home right away. Things seem so peaceful and easy at our house without her. But I miss the nice kid she used to be.

I am going to visit tomorrow. I don't really know how I feel about that.

Peace?

Finally. Kind of. DD and I have made peace. A very hanging-by-a-thread kind of peace, but today I was able to talk to her without her screaming at me, and without her telling me "it's not my fault", and without her insulting me. I guess it's a start. After telling me in one breath "I'm moving out. I already talked to my bio mom and she says I can move back there" (of course she says that--it was the courts that took DD out of there in the first place and the courts would not allow DD to go back there before she turns 18)--I called her bluff. I said "well, if that's how you feel, I guess...." I know she wanted me to buy into all her drama and say "oh no! Don't go!!!" But I won't give her that card to play for every time she's mad. So I just said "I hope things are more fun for you there." Once I said that, she said "But Mom, I LOVE it here. I just thought it'd be easier if I left." (yes, it probably would, but that's not what families do if they can possibly avoid it...)

DH, I sense, is torn. He loves DD and wants things to be ok. But she's been getting more and more violent with these tantrums, and all the pdoc does is raises her dosage(s). DH tends to lean towards the "we might as well give up now" viewpoint. He wants her to go away so he doesn't have to deal with her any more.

And that leaves me torn all asunder. I love DD so much. But I absolutely HATE her behavior and I don't' know how to make it better. I know she's really gotten the "short end of the stick" these last couple of years, with DH being unstable and my mom being sick....I know that in a perfect world she should have and would have gotten a lot more attention than she has.

I feel, though, the same way about her tantrums as I feel about "That Guy". I hate them and want to do anything to get rid of them. Somehow, though, in the same way that I am able to separate "That Guy" from DH, I am able to see that the tantrums aren't the only facet of my daughter. I don't want her to go anywhere. Unfortunately, DH says he does want DD to leave.

Now, since I've been the "person in control" for the last few years in our house, I probably do have the power to override him and allow DD to stay. And in fact I will probably do that, because I don't give up that easily. But it is going to cause a rift in our marriage. I feel like I'm kind of taking advantage of the (previous few years) situation. But I do feel strongly that if DD goes anywhere, she will be forever damaged. More than she is now. And while I might not be the best mom that could have happened to her, and DH not the best dad, she's got us and if we give up on her, the message that sends is so much bigger than anything that she's done.

I don't want to fight with DH about this. I know he has a right to be hurt and angry. I need some help here for sure. I see my therapist later this week, I'll probably ask her about the situation. And I've set up an appointment with DD's social worker on Monday, too--I don't know if there is any respite type thing available to us, but it would be nice if we could take advantage of something like that if it was available.

I guess what it boils down to is that when I talk to DH, I am going to have to remind him that I did not give up on him when things were at their worst--when he was going to bars, stealing from me, meeting up with old girlfriends (he only did that once that I'm aware of), etc....and that I'm not going to give up on DD either. Hopefully he'll understand.

Oh--P.S. There is a rule in our house. DD is not allowed to cook on the stove unless she is supervised. She gets very angry about that rule, because she thinks she is old enough to cook whenever she wants. And she has been very sneaky about it. I haven't said much about it, but I have stopped buying eggs (one of the things she likes to cook) etc. We've had bigger battles to fight, or so I thought...

Today I ran to my mom's house. DH was sleeping, DD was in her room. When I came back, about an hour and a half later, I walked in the door and was assailed by fumes. For some reason I got scared when I smelled that smell, but it took me a few minutes to realize what it was. Then it dawned on me. Propane. Lots of propane. I asked DD "did you use the stove?" I didn't expect her to be honest, and I didn't think she had used the stove. I was thinking we had a bad, bad, leak. I was about to wake up DH and have him help me get everyone out, when DD said, in a small, surprisingly honest voice "yes". I ran to the stove and discovered that one of the burners was on, but no flame. The house was full of fumes. I opened up all the windows and very quietly told DD what could have happened. And explained that things like that are why I want her to be supervised when she cooks. And for once she didn't say "It wasn't my fault!" All she said was "I'm sorry." That was when I knew we might get through all this somehow.

I finally did it.

I figured that since I have some time on my hands, it would be a good time to start counseling for myself. I had my first appointment yesterday. It was kind of awkward, it seemed like the counselor (a lady, younger than me) kept waiting for me to talk, and I'm a quiet person. I told her what's been going on (you all know that), and that I'm feeling stressed out, scared, and overwhelmed. I told her that I try very hard to accept DH's mental illness but that sometimes I can't tell if it's his mental illness that makes him a slug, or if he's just being lazy. I told her that sometimes I resent him for not contributing more, and that I wished we could be a team again, instead of me doing everything or nagging until he does SOMETHING.

But she really didn't have much to say. So I'm not sure about this....but I know you've got to start somewhere. There aren't a lot of counselors/therapists in our area, and I had to find one who wasn't already familiar with our family/situation. I don't know if she's any good. Maybe she's just waiting until I show up in the middle of a crisis so she can help me "get through" it?

I haven't heard back from that interview yet (the one at my old company) but I'm sure it wouldn't be good news anyhow....bleh. I get angry just thinking about it. I know it probably wasn't meant to be, but jeez.....

Meeting today.

Today I met for the first time with a dislocated worker person (from the State) who will help me work on whatever I need to work on in order to find a new full time job.... and basically our conversation went like this:

Dislocated Worker Person: So let's find out a little more about you. You've worked at your job for 19 years?

Me: Yes

DWP: Looks like you've got one of those degrees that you can't do much with, huh? Psychology....you've really got to have a doctorate in order to use that one....

Me: Yeah. The only real good it does me is if I'm competing against someone who doesn't have a degree.

DWP: Ok...tell me about your family.

Me: (sniffling) Well, I'm married, my husband used to be a jailer. (DWP writes that down) Then he became mentally ill (blah blah blah--you blog readers know all that stuff)

DWP: Wow, now I can see why you've got two jobs!

DWP: How about children....any kids?

Me: Yes, a special needs daughter--we adopted her before the mental illness problems started.

DWP: (in a nice way) Could you have anything more on your plate...?

DWP: How are your finances? (They ask this because they have places that they refer you to for financial counseling if you need it) (and also, if you have an immediate need that you can't meet, sometimes they help)...

Me: (sniffling again) Lots of debt (I explained about DH and his bankruptcy, and the bad checks and all....) but except for that I have good credit...

DWP: (Looks amazed and shocked).

Me: And I have a lot of questions because I live two hours away from here.

DWP: You mean it takes you TWO HOURS to get to work?????!!!!

Me: Yes, and it probably will again, since there are no jobs where I live.

DWP: You are under a huge amount of stress. I strongly advise you to talk to a counselor about this.

Me: Ok.

DWP: Promise?

Me: Yes.

Me: Oh. And my mom has Alzheimer's and even though she's in an assisted living facility, I'm her primary family caregiver. She's been hospitalized three times in the last year. Come to think of it, my husband was hospitalized this past year, too, with H1N1. And my daughter was hospitalized for two weeks, too.

Suddenly it really all hits me, how much I've really been doing/dealing with, and I just lost it, right there in the cubicle with the DWP. Oh--AND I'm getting laid off, too, by the way. (haha). How on earth am I supposed to find a job with all this stuff????

I do need to talk to a counselor. I promised I'd call. And after Jan. 29th, I'll have a lot more time for things like that, for sure....

I'm relieved that the dislocated worker person who is assigned to me will work with me for a minimum of a year....it'll probably take me that long to get myself together--and supposedly 86% of the people they work with find a job???....that's promising....I've got to keep that in mind.....but it's really overwhelming, you know?

The hardest thing

Last night, the assisted living staff found that my mom had wandered out of her apartment and into the lunchroom (dining room) of the facility, because she could not find the bathroom in her apartment. They found her on a chair in the lunchroom with her pants around her ankles. Luckily there was no accident....I guess...

I got so upset when I found out about this. To me this is a pretty terrible thing. Of course DH will stay with her while I work tonite...but...even so, it's a terrible thing. It quite possibly signifies an entirely different stage in the dementia game.

And I had to take DD to her therapist today, and (lucky us) DD was just as awful as she was the night she cut her wrist. She had (once again) decided that she was having a Halloween party on Friday (yep, day after tomorrow)....and when I said "no", and the therapist said that there was no way I could do that when I'm under so much stress, DD started swearing and screaming at the therapist. I'm glad it happened there, because now she (the therapist) will know exactly what's going on at home...) but the clincher of that was when DD yelled out "IT'S ALL GRANDMA'S FAULT!" I felt so sad, hurt, and angry....I just started crying right there in the therapist's office....and she was concerned...so concerned that she called me after we left to talk a little more....

I honestly feel so absolutely overwhelmed....I so much want to do the "right" thing for these people I take care of....

And you know they say "God never gives you more than you can handle" and "you've got an awful lot on your plate..."? I think I grabbed someone else's plate. And crumbs are falling off the plate all over the place.

The hardest thing is the not knowing. About my mom, that is....I know there is probably a nursing home in the future for her. Is it now? I don't know. I talked to the nurses who are in charge at the assisted living center, and while I was panicky, they were pretty calm (I imagine they see this fairly regularly, being in the line of work they're in....) They told me that right now all we need to do is keep an eye on my mom.....she has that appointment on Nov. 6, so if we can get to that, maybe the doctor will have some ideas.....or maybe she will stabilize(?) The nurses said "we just need to see if this is going to be a regular thing, or if it's just a fluke." That made me feel a little better. They're not going to just kick her out for one episode of troubling behavior.

I'm not even sure what I should be hoping for right now....I guess I've just got to trust the other people who know her and just keep an eye open in case....I don't want her to go to a nursing home. But if this confusion is going to be the "new normal", it won't matter where she's at any more. (But she got better over the weekend!!!!) (and now she's not better any more). Although today she seemed relatively normal (where yesterday she didn't know where her couch was....) I don't have any idea what to do.

I did, however, talk to my brother and we did come up with a sort-of plan....we (I/DH) are going to try to make it to Nov. 6. At that point, if the Dr. doesn't have any ideas and the confusion is still not ok, we will bring her to that new geriatric psych hospital about an hour away to see if they can improve things at all. (If she has to go somewhere anyhow, might as well start with that)....and then see what they recommend.

And DD's therapist also suggested that I contact Public Health and see if they can help me out a little. I don't really know what they do (Public Health), so I'm a little hesitant to get them involved....it might be another good idea, though....

Bipolar hubby takes the MMPI....

DH is back to "stable". I guess the problem is that I start thinking that he's going to be "stable" forever now, and I need to recognize (albeit reluctantly), that any little thing can, and will, throw him off. Even though his thinking's still not right, and he forgets at least half of everything I tell him, I'll take this "stability" any day. Things have been so much worse.

And interesting.....DH took the MMPI test recently. We (of course) didn't get a copy of the results, but one of the things that showed up most prominently was that he has a tendency towards having a lot of pain(s) that is/are mental health related. It was referred to as (I think, but didn't write it down) "conversion disorder" and/or "somatization disorder". Nobody, to the best of my knowledge, aside from me and some of the commenters here, has ever seemed to give serious credence to the possibility that DH's back pain might be "all in his head". I felt rather vindicated. I think DH STILL didn't want to believe it, he really didn't jump right up and say, "You know, that's absolutely right!" but I think he's at least thinking about it.... Other things that showed up..."extremely dependent on spouse", "difficult time starting tasks", "possible addictive tendencies"....
Nothing was mentioned about bipolar per se, or spending, or depression....but it could be that since we already knew about those, the therapist just didn't bother reading that part to us? Anyhow, it was very interesting.

DH and I marveled at how a 2-hour test could pick up on things so accurately. He said it was kind of scary that they could know so much about him with just that one test. To the best of my knowledge, it's the first time he's taken it since he became mentally ill. (When he went to the Police Academy, he had to take it, and he was not rejected, so we are assuming that nothing out of the ordinary showed up at that time...?) I wish I could've taken it. I'm curious.

Bad day

Well, DH was in the credit union to get a lien release for an old car that we've been meaning to send to the junk yard, when the branch manager called him into her office. According to DH, she asked him "When are you going to be making the payment for the 4-wheeler?" (like he would know). "You have a history of frequently being late." And proceeded to be very demeaning and sarcastic with him.

As an aside, the 4-wheeler payment IS late, 2 weeks late.....and anyone who checked the payment history would see that it always gets paid, and that if they dug even further, into my credit report, they'd see that despite the dire financial straits that I find myself, I have NEVER made a payment on any loan or credit card that was 30 days late. Ever.

It made me so upset when he told me about that. I am doing the absolute best I can, and I think it's pretty darn good, considering what I have to work with...but part of me knows that "pretty darn good" is still not all that good, when you look at how responsible I was before this all happened. I know the circumstances were beyond my control, but I feel like my integrity has been questioned, and I don't like that feeling.

And then, I went to DD's therapy appointment, and I was upset, so the therapist talked to me alone and asked me what was wrong....so I told her....and she said, "Are you in foreclosure, losing your house?" "Is your electricity getting turned off?" (The answer to those are a resounding "NO"--those are the two bills that get paid on time every month--before anything else....) and reminded me that people are going through money problems all over the place right now. And then I started crying because DH's pills need to be picked up, but I didn't have the money for them....so she went and asked the pdoc's nurse if they had samples....I got the impression that the PDOC nurse wasn't all that impressed either. Made me feel more bad.

And THEN....I got a reminder about our dentist appointments in the mail. August 17. There's not much I can stress out about with that, right? Except that DH had dental work done in the beginning of the year, and after insurance we still owed $364.00....and it still isn't paid....days like today, I just want to quit everything. It's too hard. I've been fantasizing about just quitting everything and starting over....but that's not who I am (yet, anyhow)....

I have to remember that all I have to do is make it until February--the tax refund should allow me to pay off that damn truck. Then, I not only won't have the $274 truck payment any more, but I won't have to pay for full coverage on it, either. Right now, though, January seems like it's a long ways away.

Full moon or something like it....

Well, I was hoping that if I took some time off from dwelling on things that I could get myself out of "angry" for a while....it didn't work. I think, as some of you commented, I need to find myself a therapist somehow. I need to find a healthy way to channel my anger and accept my husband's illness. I'll have to find someone in the city, I was thinking on my way to work that maybe I'd call the employee assistance line and see if they have a suggestion. I think they pay for a few counseling sessions, too, so that would save me the copay....I'll let you know what happens with that...

Late last week, Social Security sent DH two forms to fill out (and one for me to fill out) concerning his prior work experience and his current abilities. They came with explicit instructions to make sure they got back within 10 days, or the claim "may be denied". So every day, I remind DH to fill out the forms (mine has already been mailed) and every day he is "busy" sitting on the couch or (yes again) lying in bed watching TV....he'll do it tomorrow. So today, I set the alarm early so that DH could fill out the forms and I could mail them before work. He got up and started filling out the forms. And he got so angry. Not necessarily with me, but at the forms and the questions they were asking. He was angry that he didn't know the exact dates that he worked. He was angry that he had to fill them out at all. And then this: "It's asking me if I take care of children, I'm going to put yes."

Me: How do you figure?

DH: Well, DD. You know, I make sure she goes to bed and I make sure she takes her pills....

Me: (to myself) : DD takes her own pills without anyone reminding her. She feeds herself when I'm not home, because you refuse to prepare food beyond cereal. She puts on her own pajamas, and goes to bed with one or two prompts. I (Carol) am the one who makes sure she gets up in the morning. To me, that does not qualify as taking care of "children".

Me: (out loud) : Well, I think they were thinking like more like younger kids, like changing diapers, getting them dressed, giving them a bath....stuff like that...

DH: Well, I take care of her!!!

Me: Well I think if you lead them to believe that you help her a lot, Social Security is going to suggest that you are not disabled, you can do day care. (I guess I probably shouldn't have said anything like that....kind of insinuated that he doesn't do anything....)

DH: FINE! (slams door)

Me: Maybe you should take a Lorazepam?

DH: (no answer) (did not take the pill)

and did not complete the form.

Then this:

DD comes home from school, I'm still there, at home, because I had to get DH's prescription and some dog food, since I stay in the city on Wednesday/Thursday nights.

DD: Mom, my teacher wants me to do this 9 hour project. Look what I found, "Dog grooming, self serve dog wash."

Me: What kind of project? Does she want you to work for 9 hours? Or does she want you to interview someone, or what?

DD: It's a 9 hour project she wants us to do.

Me: Well, it sounds like you might need more information. Do you have instructions?

DD: Forget it.

Me: Ok, then. Why don't you have a glass of milk?

DD: Where's the cereal?

Me: (to myself) You and your friend ate it all over the weekend, a WHOLE WEEK'S WORTH OF CEREAL. And now we don't have any and I don't have any money. So too bad for you. Make a sandwich.

Me: (out loud) There isn't any.

DH: (this is a for real quote, even though it's so pathetically funny it sounds like I made it up...) : Can I have some money to go buy her cereal?

Me: I have no money. You'll both have to make do.

DD: This is so stupid. (slams door to her room)

Me: (to DH and to DD's PCA (helper)) : There's plenty of food here. There's two loaves of bread, some oatmeal packets, fruit cocktail....and ramen.

DD: (comes out of her room) I WASN'T CALLING YOU STUPID!!!!! I WASN'T!!!! ALL I SAID WAS THIS WAS STUPID!!!!!!!!

Me: I never said anything about you calling anyone stupid. You need to have a glass of milk and try to calm down.

DD: I AM TRYING!!!! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!

DH: DD. Go to your room.\

DD: NO. I WON'T!!!

Me: Can you take some deep breaths?

DD: NO. I CAAAAAANNNNN'TTTTTT!!!! (screaming)

Me: C'mon, let's do it together, as deep a breath as you can--In......and Out......look at me....In......and Out.......do you remember that this is a good way to calm down?

DD: yes

Me: Now why don't you go into your room and take your glass of milk, too. Drink your milk, and breathe deep like we just did. And we'll check on you in 10 minutes.

In 10 minutes she was on her way back to normal, so I went to work. Maybe the anger is contagious or something.....? I don't know! When I left the house, though, all I wanted to do was move out. That was all I could think about.

My mom had a busy day!

I called my mom, and she sounded very good. I asked her what she had been up to, and she said, "Well, I had that therapy this morning..." So I kind of repeated it after her, and said, "Oh! So you had therapy!" And she said, "yes, quite a lot of it!" And then she added: "But then we had to have lunch. And I went to that exercise class again, too. And what do you call it? There was a music program and they were playing old church songs. I went to that too."

I am so incredibly relieved. I don't know if it's the new "memory pills" (Aricept and Namenda--both for Alzheimer's) that the neurologist added, or if the Benadryl is just getting out of her system, but either way, I'm feeling a lot more hopeful than I was last week.

I told her that I had been told that there will be a "care conference" next Wednesday, where the staff at her assisted living place and the staff at the nursing home (and my mom and me) all get together and discuss where we go from here. I am very much hoping that she can go back to her apartment. But I didn't say anything about that to my mom, I haven't said much about the possibility of her not being able to go back there....but anyhow, when I told her that we were going to have this "care conference", she said,

"What will be, will be."

Amen.

Double Bipolar

Well, yesterday was DD's therapist appointment. We talked about the usual problems she has with her peers (an ongoing saga) and we talked about her bio mom, too. (I go to every therapy session, because I can explain the stuff that happens at home from a grown-up viewpoint, and also because it's as close to real "therapy" as I get.)

Nothing shocking there. So then we had an appointment with DD's pdoc. I started talking about the meltdown she had three weeks (or so) ago. We talked about the extra-nasty defiance we've been seeing for the last few months; "It's 9:00, time for bed!" "I'll go to bed in a little while." "No, it's bedtime. You need to put your stuff away, it'll be there in the morning." "I'M NOT GOING TO BED. MAKE ME!" etc.

To me it was just more of DD's "issues". I figured that we were just seeing a "more assertive" version of the issues because she's 15 now. And I don't know a lot of people who didn't sass back to their parents when they were 15. Or try to get away with breaking the rules. But the first thing the pdoc says after we talked about all this was, "Has she ever been diagnosed as bipolar?" Um, no.

Well, now she has been. She's been on Lamictal (100mg) for about two years now, because of her angry outbursts. I have known that was a bipolar drug, but it had been prescribed to DD in order to "stabilize her moods." Oh crap. You know, the more I try to explain to you that I had no idea she could be bipolar, and that they really weren't prescribing her Lamictal for bipolar-TYPE symptoms, well, I basically end up looking pretty foolish, because that's exactly what I should've seen, but didn't. So I'm shocked, but apparently, when I review all the things I knew beforehand, well, I guess I couldn't see the bipolar for the symptoms (or the forest for the trees!)

Anyhow, they doubled her Lamictal dose, and the pdoc is confident that we'll see some very nice changes in the next few weeks. I hope so, but really, I'm not all that confident that it's really bipolar.

Or is it that I just don't want it to be?

Juggling

My mom is slipping, I think. We've known for several years that she suffers from Posterior Cortical Atrophy, which is a visual type of Alzheimer's disease. It started where she couldn't "see", and after a lot of doctor visits, we "figured it out." Now, it's kind of strange sometimes, as she can't "see" the car to open the door, but she can see a fruit fly in a restaurant. It's pretty clear that her eyes "see", but only sometimes do the eyes connect to the brain....

In case you are fairly new to my blog, my mom (age 79) lives in an assisted living facility about four miles away from my house. I continue to set up her meds and take her to appointments, both because it saves money, and gives me more insight as to what is really going on. (But her assisted living place would do that for her, if I could stand it)...

Anyhow, last fall, she broke her hip. Her recovery from that, physically, for sure, has been phenomenal. She doesn't even use a walker to get around. And she seemed pretty stable mentally, all summer, too. That is to say, she knows who she is, who everyone is, she knows who the president is, etc (one of the "blessings" of this form of Alzheimer's), we just have to use small words and relatively simple (non-abstract) concepts.

In the last few weeks, though, I've noticed that she's having trouble finding the right words. This has been a symptom of hers for years, but lately it seems to be worse:

Me: Hi Mom, what did you have for lunch today?

Mom: Oh, it was....um......

Me: Oh, wait--I'll check the menu--did you have a BLT today?

Mom: No, it was....um....one of those things with everything in it.

Me: A casserole?

Mom: No...

Me: A salad?

Mom: No....

Mom: It was--it was--oh, I can't remember...

Me: Was it a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich?

Mom: Yes!!! That was it!!!

That's a pretty typical conversation for us recently. And about three weeks ago, she got confused on her meds. See, I set up her meds in those day-of-the-week pill cases, and she has a pill case for each time of day, if that makes any sense. So her morning pills are in a white case, all she has to do is figure out what day it is, grab the morning pills and take them. Her lunch time pills are in a purple case, suppertime pills are in a green case, and her new bedtime pill is in a blue case. The bedtime pill hadn't been added yet, when she got confused the first time and took two days worth of pills in a row. I notified the staff there, and they were supervising her and determined that she was doing it right, so they decided to go back to her just taking them like usual.

Then this past weekend, she got confused again, she took two doses of her lunch time pills. Luckily that was just a vitamin and an iron pill, so it wasn't too big of a mess. The staff started checking on her again.

Earlier this week, we had to add in the bedtime med, because we were hoping that the confusion was due to not sleeping well. I'm afraid that isn't it, though.

Anyhow, this afternoon, before I left for work, I stopped in with some things I had bought for her. I looked at her pills. At 2pm, she hadn't taken her morning pills OR her lunchtime pills, but her evening pills were gone. She told me that it was because the staff person had moved the pill boxes around. I asked her if they came to help her take her pills, and she said "yes, but...." and I didn't get a straight answer. I understand that the staff probably checked the day of the week, but didn't pay attention to the time that the pills were supposed to be given. Mistakes happen--like I've told you, my part-time job involves taking care of people, also, and, there, too, mistakes happen. But I'm worried about my mom. She has been having a hard time dialing my phone number lately. She says the light is bad and she can't see to dial. (I'll be buying her a floor lamp this week). But she has lived there for three years and has always been able to dial my phone number.

I know this is a progressive disease. I know it in my brain. But my heart, my heart has been hoping (and, yes, assuming) that since she was stable for quite a while, maybe she was just going to say like she was indefinitely. Or that maybe I'd see some little changes once in a while. But I'm afraid that's not the case.

I'm hoping that when spring/summer comes, she will come back a little. I don't want to see this. Even though she's lived in assisted living for three years, I am not ready for her to get worse. And the guilt. I work so much. I know she really wants me to spend time with her. And I can't, because I've got DD, and DH, and her, too, and two jobs. And not a one of them is getting the full extent of care from me that they deserve.

The "juggling"? Well, DD was very unstable for probably the first four years after she came to live with us. It was kind of a miracle that she started to stabilize, because right around the time she started to stabilize, DH got unstable. With the spending, the depression, the not working, DD's therapist and I together thanked our lucky stars that only one of them was unstable at a time, I don't know how I could've handled it otherwise. And now, DH is relatively stable, better than he has been for quite some time (as a general rule) and my mom is having troubles. So now I've to keep the DD ball of stability up in the air, while I keep the DH ball of stability up in the air, and hope that they don't fall down while I'm handling my mom's problems. Scary.

Bipolar disrespect

Hi everyone, I hope you had a Happy New Year--it was nice to get a day off where there were really no big obligations...we stayed up with my mom until Midnight--she was very proud of herself and really happy to be a part of it, so I'm glad we did that!!!

But, now, we're back to reality. Today while I was sleeping (I got home at 9am so I slept all day) I realized I could smell cigarette smoke. (In case I haven't mentioned it, there is a 'no smoking in the house' rule at the Mr/Mrs DH house). When all was said and done, I discovered that DH has been smoking in the house when he thinks I won't find out--like when I'm at work, or when I'm sleeping. He's been instructing DD not to tell me, and for once, she did. (Of course, she totally spilled the beans once I was on to things, but still...)

I wasn't really mad at first. I think I kind of went "Oh, so what's new..?" I guess there's a part of me now (and I'm not liking it) that is no longer surprised when these sorts of things happen...but the more I thought about it, the madder I got. First, because there are a lot of beings in our house that cannot choose whether they breathe smoky air or not. Including DD, but also all of the animals....and to me, smoking in the house like that is very selfish....but also, because of the example he is setting for DD. So he's showing her "If there's a rule you don't like, see if you can get away with breaking it and having nobody notice." or "It's ok to break rules if nobody notices" or "this is how a responsible grownup acts." Not good.

So I did what any self-respecting angry mom who didn't want to have a big fight at the moment would do....I went back to bed until it was time to go to work.

During that time, DH wrote me a letter apologizing. I didn't have much of a response, though, as I could tell this one "one of those times" where he messes up, I get mad, and then the mental illness/self-pity takes over, and he gets so depressed I don't get to make my point, because I'm afraid he'll kill himself. I know it's dysfunctional.

So I called him at 10:30 to tell him to take his pills. Here's the conversation:

Me: I'm just calling to remind you to take your pills. I've been calling for the last half hour and was getting worried because nobody answered the phone.

DH: I was in the shed.

Me: Oh. I was worried.

DH: Can I call you later?

Me: Yes, I'm sorry if you're angry. (the only thing I could think of in relation to this was that he was angry because he was "busted"...I don't know...)

DH: I'm not angry with you.

Me: Oh.

DH: I'm angry because I break your rules, I sit around all day, I hardly help you at all, you're broke, and I'm not helping. I'm a piece of sh**.

Me: Are you feeling like hurting yourself?

DH: Yes.

Me: Can you take a Lorazepam to maybe feel better?

DH: I already did. Can I just call you later?

Me: I guess so....don't forget to take your pills.

Ok, so then I'm really worried. I called him back and he said he was doing better and was cleaning the house. I was thinking that he probably wouldn't hurt himself, but you never know, right? I never know what to do when this happens. My feelings get all messed up, because if I get mad, he gets "suicidal" and so I'd better just forget it, so that he stays ok. Not fair. Not fair at all. And then if I do get angry, I end up worrying all night about whether I'd sent him over the edge. I wish he was still seeing his therapist, because his therapist would be strong enough to point this out. I'm not, because I'm afraid it would be more of the same (he'd want to hurt himself because he's making me feel bad.)

Bipolar sucks. Big time.

Today

Well, this morning I got home at 6:30am. It would have been a waste of time to try to sleep for 20 minutes, so I watched the economic news for that time, until I had to get DD up for school. I usually sit up while she gets ready, because she sometimes tries to wear very inappropriate things if she isn't supervised. One time it was 30 below zero and she decided she needed to wear flip-flops with (of course) no socks. That was an argument....but she did end up putting on her tennies....

Anyhow, so I waited until she got on the bus, then went to bed at about 7:15. I set my alarm for 10:30, because DH has been doing much better since he's been trying to take his meds at 12 hour intervals and he has told me that he can feel a difference and he likes it. But most of the time, given his own devices, he'd still forget to take them in the morning. So I set my alarm to wake him up (of course, that means I have to wake me up, too....but having "That Guy" on vacation is more fun than being well rested :-)

So at 10am, a half hour early(!), DH woke me up and said, "If you set your alarm, you can turn it off, because I'm getting up, and I'm taking my pills." Well, blow me away!!!! So....back to sleep.

At 11am, a clinic called about my mom's Dr. appt tomorrow. Of course they needed to talk to me to tell me to be there five minutes early for paperwork.

At 12:30pm, I got up to hop in the shower. Pretty often I put it off (showering) because it's something I can skip for a day or two. And then I end up feeling yucky. Anyhow, took my shower. Went and picked up DD for her therapist appointment regarding the meltdown last week. So it's a big deal.

We're in the middle of some heavy duty therapy stuff, and there's a lot to say. But, suddenly, DH is there, knocking on the door, telling me that I need to go to my mom's assisted living place because she is having troubles. Last night, she got confused with her pills and took this morning's pills when she should have taken the ones for last night. (She has three boxes of pills, one for morning, one for lunchtime, and one for bedtime, and she took the pills out of the wrong box). She's done that before, but the nurse was concerned because this morning, after having everything all fixed, she still couldn't remember how to do the pills....so...instead of going to work, I took mom to a same-day clinic 30 miles away, where they checked her for a UTI (as far as they can tell, she doesn't have one)...then they did blood work, as far as they can tell, she's fine, so that's a HUGE relief.

But while we were there, she missed supper at her assisted living place, so then we had to go out to eat. While we were eating, DH called me, purportedly to see how my mom was, but really, I think it was because he was out of cigarettes. So I told him we were eating, and he wanted to come down and join us. I like his company, but I was paying for supper, and DH eats a LOT and all I could see was more money floating out the window....then he told me he was out of cigarettes, and did I by any chance pick up his sweetener for his coffee? I kind of blew up at him. He called me back and apologized and asked how he could help. So I had him feed the outside animals, and I gave him a $20 and told him to go buy whatever he needed.

Then I went to work. Here I am. I seem to have a lot of days like this.