Bipolar disrespect

Hi everyone, I hope you had a Happy New Year--it was nice to get a day off where there were really no big obligations...we stayed up with my mom until Midnight--she was very proud of herself and really happy to be a part of it, so I'm glad we did that!!!

But, now, we're back to reality. Today while I was sleeping (I got home at 9am so I slept all day) I realized I could smell cigarette smoke. (In case I haven't mentioned it, there is a 'no smoking in the house' rule at the Mr/Mrs DH house). When all was said and done, I discovered that DH has been smoking in the house when he thinks I won't find out--like when I'm at work, or when I'm sleeping. He's been instructing DD not to tell me, and for once, she did. (Of course, she totally spilled the beans once I was on to things, but still...)

I wasn't really mad at first. I think I kind of went "Oh, so what's new..?" I guess there's a part of me now (and I'm not liking it) that is no longer surprised when these sorts of things happen...but the more I thought about it, the madder I got. First, because there are a lot of beings in our house that cannot choose whether they breathe smoky air or not. Including DD, but also all of the animals....and to me, smoking in the house like that is very selfish....but also, because of the example he is setting for DD. So he's showing her "If there's a rule you don't like, see if you can get away with breaking it and having nobody notice." or "It's ok to break rules if nobody notices" or "this is how a responsible grownup acts." Not good.

So I did what any self-respecting angry mom who didn't want to have a big fight at the moment would do....I went back to bed until it was time to go to work.

During that time, DH wrote me a letter apologizing. I didn't have much of a response, though, as I could tell this one "one of those times" where he messes up, I get mad, and then the mental illness/self-pity takes over, and he gets so depressed I don't get to make my point, because I'm afraid he'll kill himself. I know it's dysfunctional.

So I called him at 10:30 to tell him to take his pills. Here's the conversation:

Me: I'm just calling to remind you to take your pills. I've been calling for the last half hour and was getting worried because nobody answered the phone.

DH: I was in the shed.

Me: Oh. I was worried.

DH: Can I call you later?

Me: Yes, I'm sorry if you're angry. (the only thing I could think of in relation to this was that he was angry because he was "busted"...I don't know...)

DH: I'm not angry with you.

Me: Oh.

DH: I'm angry because I break your rules, I sit around all day, I hardly help you at all, you're broke, and I'm not helping. I'm a piece of sh**.

Me: Are you feeling like hurting yourself?

DH: Yes.

Me: Can you take a Lorazepam to maybe feel better?

DH: I already did. Can I just call you later?

Me: I guess so....don't forget to take your pills.

Ok, so then I'm really worried. I called him back and he said he was doing better and was cleaning the house. I was thinking that he probably wouldn't hurt himself, but you never know, right? I never know what to do when this happens. My feelings get all messed up, because if I get mad, he gets "suicidal" and so I'd better just forget it, so that he stays ok. Not fair. Not fair at all. And then if I do get angry, I end up worrying all night about whether I'd sent him over the edge. I wish he was still seeing his therapist, because his therapist would be strong enough to point this out. I'm not, because I'm afraid it would be more of the same (he'd want to hurt himself because he's making me feel bad.)

Bipolar sucks. Big time.