Friday, May 7, 2010

Guilt and fear. That's what we've got.....

I talked to the staff at the hospital, and they are administering some tests to find out if FASD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder are just the tip of the iceberg. I talked with DD's staff and he told me that DD is "very hurt" by "something her dad said". I'm aware of that, and I know that while DD was in the process of hitting DH, he said, "I'm through with you!". And DD said a whole lot more than that, but of course her words don't count--but DH's will be remembered forever.

I know her penchant for untruthfulness and knowing that she's there in the hospital, I get worried that she's exaggerating or lying and that they will believe her stories. I know that she isn't the first kid to lie though, so they've probably figured some of that out....and I worry about how our family and family dynamics will be perceived. I'm sure that DD will tell them all sorts of bad things about DH (and probably me, too, although she's more upset with DH right now), and won't bother to explain to them that after nearly four years of struggling with mental illness of his own, he has just gotten back to work again and with me being laid off but working for the Census, our family does not have a routine or a lot of stability right now.

Her staff already told me that DD is upset that we haven't come to visit yet. The hospital, though, is two hours away and I don't get paid time off from my part time job. Not to mention that it's virtually impossible to find a replacement at a minutes' notice. So I feel guilty about that, too.

Mostly, though, I feel bad that I haven't been as good of a mom as I could have been. There are so many things I wanted to teach her and experience with her, and all of this working and DH's problems and my mom's problems have really taken that away from us. And now I'm just a "mediocre" mom with a kid who's acting out and somehow it's probably my fault, since DH can't be blamed (since he was completely out of the loop for so long).

They are trying some new medications for her. This hospital (which is a different one from the one she was in last fall) seems like they really want to help.

But you know, just imagining the things that she is saying to them about us makes me very angry and I haven't even heard them yet (this time). But she's said similar things enough times.

Truthfully, part of me wishes that the hospital would say that she SHOULD go to a group home right away. Things seem so peaceful and easy at our house without her. But I miss the nice kid she used to be.

I am going to visit tomorrow. I don't really know how I feel about that.