Sunday, March 20, 2011

I don't like my daughter.

We've had several "home visits" now, where she comes to our house and spends a couple of days.  Of course, with me still working both jobs, I don't have a lot of time to spend with her, but that's ok, because most of the time I don't want to spend time with her at all.  Isn't that sad?

It's as if she is constantly looking for an "excuse" to get angry with me.  Here's an example:  About a week ago, DH and I picked DD up at the place where she's at.  DD had been talking about applying for a scholarship so that she could attend a rather prestigious cooking school.  While I do think that cooking school is a much better and much more realistic choice than her previous choice (paleontologist), when she showed me the scholarship rules, I got worried.  The scholarship can only be won by achieving a certain score on the ACT college entrance exam.  I know that unless things change drastically, she can't do that.  She has yet to pass the skills test for graduation, and she's taken it several times.  I hate to see her disappointed, so, thinking ahead, I said "that's great!  And I know if the scholarship doesn't work out, there are a lot of programs for former foster children that can pay your way, too!" And she got right up in my face and told me that "I have my heart set on this and you never want to let me do anything I want!"  And she kept right on yelling at me, even when I asked her "Did you even hear a word I said?"  Sadly, this is kind of a typical exchange for her and me.

The treatment center where she is at has said that they have now talked with the county and the county will only pay for her to stay there until June.  And at that point, we have to decide where she is going.  They are pushing for her to come back to our house.  I don't want to live with her, but I feel like a bad mom when I even think like that.  So I keep going along with things....

Then.....this week they started bringing up the possibility of allowing DD to go on unsupervised visits to her bio mom's.  "Because her bio mom has been going to therapy and appears to have cleaned up her act..."  Everything about this made me want to scream "No, no, no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!"  But once again, since they (the therapists) seem to think it's a good idea, especially since DD will be turning 18 soon (and despite the fact that supposedly the legal guardianship is moving along) as they don't want DD to resent us for keeping her from her bio mom.  So once again....I feel like a bad mom, because these visits are the last thing I want and the last thing I think will be good for DD.  Her bio mom has very good intentions but cannot say no to DD, not ever.  Kind of like DH, but there's nobody there (at bio mom's ) to step in when that happens.  And....I admit it....I know DD will always choose bio mom over me, so I'm already a little hurt and jealous in advance.

It's all very hard for me.  DH doesn't seem to see anything wrong with these things at all.  Mostly right now I just want to throw up my hands and say "all right already, she can do whatever the hell she wants and I'm not going to waste any more energy on maintaining a relationship with this hateful little person!" But I know that's not the answer either....it's just that I'm overwhelmed without worrying about these things, and I don't think there's a way I can make a good decision here, at least one that I'm comfortable with.....

P.S.  Please say a heartfelt prayer for everyone in Japan right now....my cousin (who is Japanese-American) was in Tokyo when the earthquake happened, and she and her husband are ok, but we aren't sure if they're coming back to the U.S. now or not (they weren't planning on it).....


Anonymous said...

Carol, did you know it is okay not to like your kids? I have 2, both well into adulthood...one is 39 and the other one almost 41. While I love them both, and would lay down my life for them, there are times when I don't like them, because of the hardships and pain they bring into my life when they have the ability to stand on their own 2 feet. I also have a 14 yr old granddaughter who shows the same behaviour patterns toward her mother as your DD shows toward you. Sometimes I feel guilty because I think my DD should send GD away to a boarding school and let her get a taste of what it would be like to not have Mom there to cater to her needs. But the guilty feeling passes when I remember how my DD is working so hard to provide a comfortable life for GD, and GD doesn't seem to appreciate it at all and continues to treat her mother with contempt. Sometimes we just have to 'disconnect' from those we are closest to, Carol, in order to have a small measure of peace in this chaotic world. We deserve to have that peace.

Grace. said...

Carol--given that you can't stop it anyway, think about supporting your daughter in her contact with her birthmother. I did that with one of my daughters who was then 17 years old--hardest thing I ever did because I knew my daughter would "love" her birthmom more than me--heck, I liked her, too--a funny, smart Jewish gal with a heroin addiction that wouldn't quit. All it took was six months for my daughter (who had RAD but not FAE) to get the picture--her birthmom loved her, but she was never going to give up heroin. The other thing I did, right about the time my daughter was expressing concern about her bmom was to send her to a week-long camp (e-mail me if you want more info) that was very huggy/fuzzy/balloons and rainbows but was intended to help handicapped kids, and kids coming out of rehab figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. My daughter came home from camp, moved back in with me, finished up her GED (which had,up to that point, taken her the better part of two years!), got a job, and basically got on with her life. Not incidentally, her relationship with me turned around. The camp was expensive given that it was only a week, but it was money well spent.

Miz Kizzle said...

You"re not a bad mom; quite the opposite-- you"re an excellent mom for insisting that your daughter gets the help she needs so she'll have a halfway decent chance of someday being self-sufficient and becoming mentally and emotionally well.
You and your DD have a communication problem. You tell her that you hope she makes it in her chosen field but it's best to have a backup plan, just in case, and she hears you saying that you think she's a failure.
I expect, too, that your DD is fearful that she won't pass the exam and she's projecting her anxiety on the person closest to her, i.e., you.
I have a similar problem to your daughter in that I'm trying too hard to ferret out the REAL feelings of the person who is speaking to me that I often don"t hear their words. I do better with things that are written down, so I can refer to them later, if need be.
Maybe your DD would benefit from written communications from you, especially in times of intense emotion.

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