Social Security Disability Update

We got the call over Labor Day weekend. DH's disability claim has been approved. He's also going to be eligible for Medicare in March, which is almost more exciting than the Disability itself, because this year, we (I) had already spent over $3000.00 in out of pocket expenses just for DH alone--prescriptions, ER visits, Dr. visits, etc. The Medicare coupled with my health insurance from work, will mean he is double covered and presumably, our bills will go down significantly. I may even be able to give myself a raise, because right now I contribute the maximum amount to my Flex plan, which amounts to about 95.00 each paycheck before taxes. Now granted that I do go to the doctor once in a while, so the amount wouldn't go down to zero, but the decrease could potentially be significant. Open enrollment at work is next month, so I'll have to ask someone how that all works.
Probably the biggest thing that this means right now, though, is that I am going to quit my 2nd job. After nearly exactly 8 years of working 2 jobs, DH's disability, after taxes, will be about the same amount as I bring home from the 2nd job. Originally, I wasn't going to quit right away. That extra money would make things that much easier, of course. But every time I went to work, all I kept thinking about was how I could choose to quit, how I could find a job that I really like, if I even want a second job, it's a choice now. Even before the disability was approved, I worried a lot about my mom being so sick and what if I got "the call" when I was working and couldn't leave? (Because at a group home you can't leave the clients unattended, not for any reason). And every time I showed up for work, I felt more strongly that it was time. So I put in my 2 weeks notice, this will be my last weekend of working 2 jobs.
I'm really excited about having 2 days off every week! Maybe I'll get a different part time job once my mom passes, but right now, spending more time with her will be nice, too.

Restricted

DH got a certified letter in the mail yesterday.  It was from our health insurance provider, and stated that since he had had at least 10 visits to the emergency room at two or more hospitals, and had 15 prescriptions filled for narcotics (Percocet), they are placing him on restriction.  Basically, what this means is that he is ONLY allowed to go to one specific doctor and/or his psychiatrist.  Nobody else.  And any time he requires Emergency Room services outside of our own county hospital, there will be a team determination as to whether those services were a true emergency.  If DH uses a different Dr., other than his "one and only", or a different psychiatrist, or uses an Emergency Room when it is determined that it was probably not a life-and-death emergency, the bills will not be paid by our health insurance.

I had heard of this happening, but this Percocet thing had been going on so long, I figured nobody cared.  Apparently they do. 

DH was embarrassed.  According to him, he has not been in the E.R. or received Percocet since his Pdoc warned him in early February that being addicted to Percocet could affect his disability case.  I don't know if that's true or not.  I do know that there seem to be a lot less complaints about back pain and definitely a lot less trips to the E.R. 

In DH's defense, I believe that the "more than one hospital" was probably because DH's job was in a different county than ours, and not necessarily because he was "drug seeking" (going to a different hospital because he had already gotten Percocet from our hospital).  And he was always getting sent from work to the E.R. for high blood pressure, high blood sugar, back pain, whatever.  His work did not take chances.  If they thought something could possibly be wrong, they sent him to the E.R.  And I understand that.  I also understand that he believes that he functions better and has more initiative when he takes Percocet.  Actually, it seems that way to me, too.  But to me, really, that just says that maybe there's something else out there that could make things better (and it isn't a narcotic!). 

I'm relieved.  When I know there is Percocet in the house, I get very anxious.  I end up being the Percocet police, keeping the Percocet under lock and key, and doling it out one at a time according to the instructions on the bottle.  If I just left the bottle for DH to use "as needed", he would (and actually has) take much more than the prescribed dose--once he took an entire bottle of 60 pills in 2 days--I don't know how he survived. And even though the "you might not get your disability if you keep this up" is a big incentive not to do that any more, I know addiction can be more powerful than that.  So it's nice to have a backup.   

Ok, this is going to be tough. But I'm hoping I'm up to it.

We found out that DH is not eligible for unemployment due to his pending disability appeal.  "You can't tell the unemployment people you're ready, willing and able to work, and at the same time, tell the disability people that you're not capable of working."  Anyhow, it might be legal to get unemployment, but it could potentially make a mess out of whatever is left of the appeal.  It's too big of a risk, of course.  If DH could get disability, I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs any more.  And right now, the ONLY way I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs.  My full time job pays for the mortgage ($900/mo), our health insurance ($420/mo) and my gas to get there ($400-$500/mo).  That's it.  No food, no clothes, no cat/dog food, car insurance, electricity, phone or heat.  So....as long as I like having those things, the second job is not an option right now.  In fact, we're back to ends not meeting again.

I dropped the insurance on DH's pickup truck.  I'm dropping the internet service at the end of the month.  DH is rolling his own cigarettes (still) and eating cheap food at home.  He's not complaining at all, and that makes things so much easier.  I'm toying with dropping some phone service, but it's hard to decide what to do.  We each have cell phones.  Mine is important to me because I'm on the road so much.  His is important to me because he's been suicicidal in the past and I feel like I need to have a way to get in touch with him if/when things are bad.  But the land line.....I need that in case I'm in the house and my cell phone doesn't get a good signal that day...what if my mom had an emergency and they couldn't get a hold of me?  Still struggling with all of this.  We already don't have TV of any kind, so cutting out cable/satellite isn't an option.  Oh, and DH has agreed to go to the free food distribution again (we did this when Jim was living with us and it helped a lot, but DH hated it because he was always so afraid that someone would recognize him.)

I'll hopefully be getting a raise (about $40 every 2 weeks) from my full time job in about 4 months.  I'm hoping we can hang on til then.  I guess, if gas gets too high, like they're talking about, I can stay at my friend's house in the City.  But as I've said before, I don't always trust DH to be able to care for all the animals correctly.  It's an option, though.....better (maybe, anyhow) than losing the house.

Selling the house is not an option.  The house is valued at 1/3 of the mortgage right now, and even that may be high, what with the roof issues etc.  And compared to rents, it's really not that high.  I can't move into an urban area with these animals, and I won't abandon them or "find good homes for them."  They are my family members too, and I need to keep that in mind when I make plans.

The last resort, of course, might be bankruptcy.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  I'm going to look into the new programs for refinancing under water mortgages, and if I can do that, it might all be possible. We'll just have to cross our fingers.  I've done it before, but in hindsight, I have no idea how--I guess I'll have to operate on the same blind faith that got me through this the last time.

What I think about DH working

Well, it's been a little over a week since DH was fired.  Financially it hasn't really hit us since we had that last paycheck from him, and he had managed to show up for work every day that he was scheduled up to the day he was fired, and that was 5 days.  So actually, his last paycheck was bigger than his checks had been previously.....

But mental-health wise, after a day or two, it started to sink in.  DH got really depressed, as so many of his coworkers were people he counted as friends, and so in a sense, it was a kind of "double whammy" for him.  He stayed in bed for 3 or 4 days straight, only getting up to eat or smoke.  Then I came home from work one night, stopped at the nursing home to check on my mom, and DH was STILL in bed.  I had tried to be as understanding as I could--I knew that despite the fact that everyone around him could see it coming (the firing), he really didn't.  And losing a job in any way is disheartening and stressful.  But then, as he was laying in bed, he made some kind of comment about wanting to be a billionaire, and I got snarky.  I still feel bad about my comment, because his feelings were hurt, but I said "Do you think Bill Gates, at any time in his life, laid in bed for four days straight?"  I don't think it probably was my comment that motivated him, but shortly after that, he got out of bed.  He put in an application at McDonalds and has already had an interview.  Unfortunately, they told him they "aren't actually hiring, they're just compiling a list..."  But the fact that he went out and did that impressed me.

I also told him to file for unemployment.  I know two people who were fired from my part-time job who were able to get unemployment.  DH says "if I even get it, it won't be much", but I say it'd make things a lot easier to get $20/week than nothing, for sure.  So my task for the upcoming week is to get him to file for that.  I know that you're not supposed to be eligible if you get fired, but it seems like some places don't fight it, so he might as well see if that's the case. 

I think I'm starting to see that working really took everything he had.  He's done more around the house in the past 2 days than he did in the past 2 months.  I so much wish that his disability would go through.  Unfortunately, it looks like he'll probably end up re-applying because his case is at the top of the appeals levels now, and from what I understand, only 2% of cases are approved at that level.  Not hopeful.  But I'm seeing how much better things could be if he didn't feel like he had to work.  And if I didn't feel like I had to ask him to work.

Who knows?  Realistically, it could be 3 more years before he finds a job again.  I very much hope not.  But it's happened before.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that except for the 4 (3?) days he spent in bed, he hasn't been down much, and I was sure that when he did get fired, he'd be positively suicidal.  So there are good things.  I'm relieved and anxious about the future.

DH got fired

Well, I know most of you aren't surprised to hear this.  But actually, in the last two weeks, DH had been really trying hard to get into work.  He was very proud of himself.  (He still wasn't doing anything at home at all unless I really really nagged, but at least there was some money coming in)....

Anyhow, tonite he was in a really good mood.  He went to work and was already back home by the time I got home from work.  He said he was scheduled to come in at 3pm, even though for months he has worked at 6pm on Thursday nights.  I'm not sure whose fault it really is, DH's memory and attention to detail is so terrible that he might have looked right at the schedule and not noticed that the time was different.  I'd like to think, also, that management would have pointed out to him that they had made a change, but, according to DH, they didn't.  Well, it's been coming for a long time....and he's had many "second chances".  So here we go.

In a way I have that strange, relieved feeling that I had when I got laid off.  I knew it was coming for so long, it was a relief to have it over and done with and know where things stand.  I'm scared about finances.  But I think if I'm very careful, and maybe sleep at my friend's house once a week, I can make it work.  I don't really have much of a choice!  Well, as I said a few weeks ago, I've been here before and I learned a lot from that.  My biggest fear is DH's "needs".  His cigarettes, his pop, and even though he once again isn't caring about his diabetes, I don't feel right feeding him food that is blatantly unhealthy, especially for a diabetic.  I imagine that's what it'll probably come down to, though....he's not checking his blood sugar or anything like that lately anyhow, and "healthy" foods are so much more expensive....I'll do what I can, but I don't think it'll be the best nutrition....

DH, I think, is still in shock.  He is really handling it remarkably well, considering how he normally reacts to negative stress....but like he said, he thinks he's in shock and that it feels like a bad dream.  I imagine tomorrow or the next day, when it really sinks in, I'll need to keep close tabs on his mental health.

In the meantime, I guess I'll just play it by ear and know that somehow "the money always comes from somewhere".....

I've become unsympathetic.

And it shocks me.  When DH is moaning in pain from his back, I don't even feel bad for him.  I find myself getting angry, because all he wants is for someone to give him a pill (preferably Percocet) to get rid of the "pain" and he doesn't do anything at all to make sure he doesn't get the pain in the first place, like go to physical therapy, exercise a little, or maybe make a half-hearted effort to lose weight (I know weight loss is hard, even for people without mental health issues, but if he just showed me he was trying to do something, even if he was failing, it would make me feel better)....

And when he comes home from work all sad because he was sent home from work for having high blood sugar, instead of being the "supportive wife", I turn into the "angry and disgusted" wife.  Because the problem is so easy to avoid, yet he doesn't. 

And he doesn't realize these things for whatever reasons, every time it happens, even if I've told him that it will happen, he is shocked and surprised.  And I'm not.  I just get more disgusted.

And that surprises me on some levels.  I know he believes his problems are not of his doing (don't a lot of us?) and that he has a mental health condition that warps his thinking.  So should I really be angry with him for something he can't seemingly control?  I feel bad.  But I just can't see how it can be pointed out to him, step by step, and he still doesn't do anything about it.

I have no sympathy.  When he goes to the Emergency Room for his back pain, I don't even go with any more.  Because every week there's some different ache or pain.  And it's never anything serious.  Last week he was having strange pains in his ribs, under his arm, on his right side.  I just got angry, wasn't even worried about what might be going on, because it's always something.  Then, I was glad that he was gone to the E. R.  Then, I kind of mentally chastised myself, because what if I feel that way and he's really having a serious health problem?  It's like I have run out of sympathy.  It's not something I'm proud of.  But after rereading what I've written here, it might not be as surprising as I thought it was.

Well, it's official....

DH has received notice (again) that he is not eligible for disability.  Apparently somewhere in his psychiatrist's records, his psychiatrist had noted that DH was responding well to his medications.  So then when the psychiatrist later stated that DH should not work, they said that was inconsistent information.  His attorney is (once again) appealing the decision, stating that the decision does not reflect the record...but I think it's probably like the justice system, where appeals get harder and harder to win, the farther up the chain you go....

DH was upset, and did a little of the "I'm a worthless piece of ****"....but really, after 1 day of that, he was back to his "normal" self again.   I think the fact that it took so long had already prepared him for the fact that he wasn't going to get it....so I guess it was easier for him to handle.

Me?  Yeah, I'm disappointed.  That money would've helped so much.  And hoping that something like that will happen and solve a lot of problems, well, that hope is something, too.  But I guess it's all going to have to be done the old fashioned way.....rats!

DH: on the brink of losing his job

Well, I've mentioned it a little before, but DH went in to work last night and found out that because he's missed so many days, they're cutting his hours.  He was a little upset, but I honestly don't see how he can be too upset, because on his very first day of work, he explained to me how it works, and every single time he's called in since then, I've reminded him of what could happen....and now it's happening.  They go by a "points" system where he works.  If you are tardy, it's one point.  If you call in sick on a weekday, it's 1 point.  If you call in sick on a Friday or Saturday, it's 2 points, and there are some days when they are super busy, where if you call in, it can be 3 points.  When you get to eight points, they take one of your shifts away.  At 9 points, they take another (total of two shifts) away.  And when you get to ten points, you're fired.

I'm nervous.  Even losing one shift is a lot of money.  But I've known since he started that this job of his probably wouldn't last....

But.....I'm still hoping that maybe the disability will come through....that way, we'll still have some sort of income from him if he loses his job.

On a more optimistic side....I have had my 6 month review at work (it was a good one) and I passed probation, so I'm now a permanent county employee there.  I also got a .60/hr raise (yay!).  I'm still quite a bit below what I was making before, but doing quite a bit better than if I was working at WalMart.....

I'm so much hoping that the disability comes through.  DH has told me a lot about the hearing, and he hasn't told me anything that would make me think that the judge realistically thought he could do anything....but, like I told DH, "based on how things have been for us these last few years, good financial stuff (with the exception of my job and possibly his) just does not seem to happen to us."  So it'll be nice if it happens, but "par for the course" if it doesn't.

Along those lines, this past week, one morning I got into work, logged on to my computer, and went to check my bank account to make sure my balance was what I thought it was.  It wasn't. (!)  Someone somewhere had charged internet service and textbooks to my check card somehow.  So I lost about $150 before the bank shut the card off.  It appears that the purchases were made only minutes before I signed on to check my account, so that was lucky--who knows how much damage they would've done if I hadn't been so anal about keeping track of that stuff?  But.....that money was earmarked to pay DH's year-old dentist bill (which totals $400) and now I won't be able to pay that until the bank fixes things (they said they'd put the money back into my account in about 2 weeks)....sigh....just one more stressor...

I just seem to get so panicked when the money stuff doesn't leave me/us any "wiggle room" at all.  If the car broke down again, there would be no way to fix it.  I'm lucky that the vet, if there was an emergency, would hold a check or let me make payments, but I don't want to take advantage of that if I don't have to.....DH's disability back pay would help so much.....right now I can pay most of the bills on time.  But there's nothing left over, especially with gas going up....I desperately don't want to use my 401k to make things more manageable.  Right now, I'm hoping against hope that I don't have to.  I know what a bad idea it is, and every financial planner in the world says not to do it.  But sometimes, when I'm trying to figure out how to pay everything so that nothing gets shut off, it seems like a way to make things a little less stressful.  My plan before the disability potentially came into play was that I would use a relatively small sum from the 401k to pay off the bills from town here that are kind of "handshake" loans, where people/places gave us credit because they're nice and so are we.  I so much don't want to ruin any "good name" that's left.....but....beyond that, the credit cards.....well, I'm a lot less averse to filing bankruptcy on them.....I don't want to, but I would not use my 401k to pay those.  So if it came down to it, the plan would not be to use up all of my 401k to pay debt, just use a small amount to give a little "wiggle room" and take care of debt that I owe to people who I will have to look in the eye someday.  If the disability comes through, I won't have to worry about any of this.....and I'm sure hoping that it does....

Disability Hearing

DH had his disability hearing today. I’m amazed, but it sounds extremely hopeful. Apparently there were statements from numerous doctors regarding the fact that he can not function on his own, and if he was required to live independently, he would likely require a group home.

So…..it sounds like….DH made "too much" money last year at his security job. But what that means is, that if the judge finds that DH is/was disabled, he would still get the back pay, and he would be "on disability" but he would not receive any payments until/unless his income went down (i.e., he starts working less or loses his job).

Apparently the attorney made it sound like the back pay is almost a sure thing (it would be about $18000 for us!) and then if he loses his job, he could just fill out an application to have his benefits redetermined and he would be getting about $1400/mo!!!!!!!

I’m still not confident. I’ll believe it when I see it J

But DH told me that the attorney told him "in two to four weeks, things will be a lot better for you guys…." And that she (the attorney) was very confident and said that everything went exactly as she wanted it to…..and that this particular judge "likes" when a person keeps trying to work despite their disability……

This would be potentially triply good news, because where DH is working, they have a "point system", where if you are late, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekday, you get 1 point, if you call in on a weekend or a holiday, you get 2 points, and when you get to 10 points, you are fired. Yesterday, DH called in to work again….and that makes 9 points. So….potentially, if he gets fired, we might not be completely "up a creek".

And also….I had just decided that I was going to raid my 401k from my previous job to pay a couple of things off (like the engine) (and the $1400 hospital bill from last year’s hospitalization for DH)….I know it’s a bad idea, but things are so very tight right now that there is no other way I could ever pay for these things. I really did not want to take that tax hit, but didn’t see a lot of alternatives short of bankruptcy….and I don’t want to file bankruptcy on bills that are local—does that make sense? Like the 4-wheeler loan, that’s with a local credit union….and the hospital bill….with a local small-town hospital….I just couldn’t stand the thought of hurting my local economy in any way (but hurting a big bank isn’t so personal….I guess…-).) For the most part, I really felt like the 401k was the best route, even if I had to rob from my future.....

Now I think I’m gonna wait 2-4 weeks and see what happens……

Disability--an option I thought was "done for"....

DH got a letter from his disability attorney(s) stating that his court date is Feb. 22.  I made him call the attorney because they were not aware that he was working.  When DH told them about his job, they did not seem concerned.  They asked him how many hours he works and "It's part-time, right?" (of course).  Then they asked him if he thought that his psychiatrist would sign a paper stating that DH cannot work full time.  (Of course he will, because all this time the psychiatrist has been telling DH that he should not be working at all, not even part time [but me getting laid off last year made him feel like he needed to work and I am glad most of the time]).

The thing is, I have never heard of anyone getting disability and working....?  I guess I knew that he could work a day or two, but I didn't know that he might still qualify for something--don't worry, my hopes aren't up....I'm not convinced that DH gave them all the right information.  But I've been thinking about it anyhow....wouldn't that be nice??!!

My mom seems to be mentally a little more stable.  There's currently no "weirdness", and we can talk about the weather and what she had for supper, etc...so in that sense, things have "stabilized".  However, she's still not eating much and yesterday she "didn't feel good" to the point where she slept ALL day and the aides couldn't get her to wake up to take her pills or change into her nightgown.  When I visited, I couldn't get her to wake up either.  The nurses were concerned about this and also that my mom has been emitting a "foul" odor, kind of like really bad diarrhea, but she is clean and things seem to be functioning in that department.  I've never heard of that before, either, so I'm worrying about what's going on inside her.

And to make things even more uplifting where my mom is concerned, well, in the last year or so, when I've been visiting every day, I've gotten to know a lot of the residents.  And over the weekend this past weekend, two long-time residents passed away, and that made me sad.  I know it's a part of life but I'm sad for their families and missing them (the residents) myself.  Sometimes I wonder, because I'm so very fond of some of the residents there, if/when something happens to my mom, whether I would keep going back to visit....and my answer changes every day. 

What a week.

DD was released from the hospital and (get this) they took her off ALL of her meds because they think her problem is anxiety and not bipolar. So now she has no meds, no PRNs and her appt with the med person is on Monday. How intelligent is that?

And the plan was going to be....DD's social worker was going to look into a longer term hospitalization or a residential placement. So we started to mentally prepare for that. But then the game plan changed, and we are going to have another eval done to make sure she really is FASD, because apparently that opens up a lot of doors for her (since her last eval was in 2004 (for FASD), I guess that one's too old to be relevant(?)) So now I'm waiting on info regarding this new eval and trying to keep things together at home. And DH is really disgusted. He told me that one part of him just wants her gone, but when he thinks about how things have been in the past (much better behaved, more stable, more fun DD) he just wants to cry. So I'm not sure really where he stands, but he's definitely not happy.

And she's no better. Yesterday, in an attempt to do "family time", DH and I took DD to Walmart. I wanted her to get some new shoes. She came back with a pair of Mens size 9 shoes. I told her those were too big. She started to explode, telling me that the "Size 7s were way too small, and these are the only ones I like!" I told her too bad, I'm not going to buy shoes that don't fit. She kept arguing, raised her voice again, and I told her that she should show me the 7's. Sure enough, the Mens size 7's were way too big, too. At least an inch and a half between her toes and the front of the shoe. So then I said no to the 7's, too. Told her to find something else. "BUT I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING ELSE!" So I calmly said "Ok, well, there's no rule that we have to get something today...." and she started blowing up about that. So she finally did find some shoes in the right size that "I guess I like them". Then, she wanted to pick out a new towel. She knew that I had recently bought DH a new towel because there are showers at his work and I didn't want him to have to have a tattered and torn towel there. But DH has decided that he probably won't be using the towel at work. So he suggested that DD just take the towel that I had bought for him--after all it hadn't been used yet....bad idea. "I WANT MY OWN TOWEL, ONE THAT I GET TO PICK OUT!!!!!!" (Oh for Pete's sake.) Ok. To avoid meltdown at WalMart, she got to pick out a stupid towel.

But wait!!! There's more!!!! DH and I decided we wanted to eat at Taco Johns. It's been a long time since we've gone out to eat. Another meltdown because DD DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO TACO JOHNS. ARGH. And she wonders why I never want to go anyplace with her.

Supposedly we are meeting with the pdoc on Monday to see what we can do. I don't know if I'll make it that long.

What does this mean?

During the brief time when DH was working, he did not call the disability attorney to tell him. But his psychiatrist had told DH several times that he doesn't believe that DH can hold a job and that if he did try to work and failed, that it might benefit his disability case somewhat.

I don't know much about the disability process. Only what I've learned as we go....but DH's attorney just called and DH has a telephone hearing on the 18th of March? Of course DH didn't ask any questions, so I'm left wondering: What is this for? Will this hearing determine whether or not he gets disability? How can he prepare for it, and what will they be looking for....?

I tried to get DH to call and tell the attorney about his working, in case it would have some impact, but so far it's been late in the afternoon and he doesn't want to call and leave a message. So as far as I'm aware, the attorney(s) still don't know that he worked a few days.

So I find myself thinking.....again.....about how nice it would be if he got disability....how things would change so much for the better.....but.....based on the last couple of years, things just don't happen that easily for me/us.....

but it's sure fun to think about!

And an aside: Today I paid some bills. And I looked and tried to decide which one to pay and which ones to let sit. And I realized that I actually had enough money to pay everything on time!!! Something must be wrong here. LOL

I hate believing.

Well, I'm kind of "tying up loose ends" at my full time job. Updating my resume, cleaning out my desk, and all that. In the meantime, I'm applying for a few things, but I'm not overly hopeful.

DH says a lot of things like "There is no excuse why I wouldn't have a job by June." and "I've had three years off, now I need to help out!" And I think back to the time(s) when things were "normal" and that same girl that got married to a guy who was hard-working, financially independent, responsible...that girl believes him.

And then we have this conversation (sometimes on the same day):
Me: Are you up yet?
DH: No, but I'm getting up now. I'm going to go apply for at least three jobs today.
Me: Oh good!
(3 hours later)
Me: How's your job search going?
DH: Um.
Me: Did you apply for anything?
DH: Um. I went back to sleep.

Or this one:
Me: Did you apply for anything?
DH: Yes, I applied for a job.
Me: Oh, where?
DH: At (***) Company, where I worked before.
(where he was a Manager, a high-level corporate employee, where he resigned, citing "too stressful" and took the job as a jailer instead.
Me: You know, you really need to apply for things that are realistic. That don't involve huge decisions or huge responsibilities. I know it's hard, but you are setting yourself up to fail, if you talk your way into a position and you can't do the job.
DH: But I can't do that! That's not who I am. I've always had responsible jobs.


So. Either he can't get out of bed to even look for a job, or he'll be wasting time applying for jobs that he's no longer qualified to do, and is not capable of doing, even if he were to be hired.

That girl still wants to think that he'll "take care of" her....it'd sure be a lot easier, trying to find a new job, knowing that there was still some reasonable income....but me....well, I've learned a few things since I got married, and I need to look at this as "I'll be doing it all myself." And that's scary.

Coming to PBS: Minds on the Edge--Facing Mental Illness

This sounds like a very insightful program--I don't have TV right now, so I have to wait until I can watch it on line (after Oct. 1).

"MINDS ON THE EDGE: Facing Mental Illness zeros in on wrenching situations playing out every day in hospital ERs, on city streets and school campuses, in courtrooms and in jails, as Americans struggle with serious mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. The dramatic scenario of this Fred Friendly Seminars program reveals personal dilemmas facing individuals and families, medical practices that can be obstacles to treatment, and public polices that are falling short."

"Moderated by Frank Sesno, the program features Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer, Nobel-Prize-winning neuroscientist Eric Kandel, Pulitzer-nominated journalist Pete Earley, and other panelists from law, medicine, and public policy — including several who have personally faced the challenges of mental illness and offer their riveting insights."



Here's a link for more information:

Minds on the Edge

So how did DH's Bipolar Disability appointment go?

I haven't posted yet about DH's appointment on Monday, I wanted to kind of digest it before I put it into words. In a nutshell, it didn't go all that well.

Now, in case you weren't aware of it, and I'm not sure if I've written about it here or not, but DH was overweight when I met him and when I married him. Since the bipolar started, he's gained about 130 pounds. He's very big.

So....this appointment was apparently to discuss his obesity and back problems. The doctor that we saw is retired, but he specialized in gastric bypass surgeries before he retired. He spent about half of the appointment trying to drive DH to have gastric bypass. I'm not convinced. I'm afraid that DH, with his addictive personality, would lose weight, but compensate by some other addiction--drugs, alcohol, gambling.....etc. And for me, the excess weight is the easiest thing to deal with right now.

But anyhow, the Dr. really really thought that the only thing that was going to "save" DH was if he had bypass surgery. He talked about how people go on diets and then gain all their weight back. He talked about all the health problems that obesity causes. And about how DH's back problems were undoubtedly related to his obesity, etc. etc....and that was pretty much the whole sales pitch.

Then it took about 5 minutes for him to go through the Social Security questions: "How far can you walk without resting?" "How long can you sit?" "What activities has your back pain caused you to give up?" But....I knew we were sunk, when the Dr. asked DH "What is the most you can lift?" and DH said "about 50 pounds". And then explained that he lifts the bags of chicken feed....about once every two weeks. Woops.

Then, the Dr. told DH that he probably had sleep apnea. DH said he knows he does, but the CPAP makes him anxious. The doctor wrote that down, too, so that probably makes it look like he's noncompliant.

All in all, basically it was a lecture on the benefits of gastric bypass. I keep telling myself that since DH is going for disability on the grounds of being bipolar, that the back problems are peripheral, but then I think that if they (Social Security) thought the same way, that they wouldn't have bothered to send him to a back doctor. I really wish I knew more about how this all works.

Anyhow, kind of a sucky day.