Monday, April 13, 2009


DH's mom sent him $70.00 for gas and cigarettes. He went to Spenders Anonymous on Saturday, he said the meeting was good. They talked about the pain their actions have caused others. I thought that was a relevant topic, for sure!

Then, last night when I was at work, he asked me to "stop by and pick up a pack of cigarettes on your way home." I said, "I thought you had $70.00." He sounded kind of sheepish when he said, "Well, on my way to Spenders I stopped at McDonalds. Then on my way home, I stopped at Hardees. Oh. And I stopped at Target and bought a computer game, too. Yeah, on the way home from Spenders, even. I guess I didn't get the message."

I didn't even have it in my to be angry. Just sad. Really sad. And tonite I feel trapped. This person I'm married to, he doesn't make any sense. He's spending me into oblivion, and I'm working myself to death. And right at this moment, I don't see much of a way out of it. I wish I did. But tonite I feel trapped.


themadandwild said...

As my father used to say, you can't change others, but you can change yourself. Which as much as I hate to admit it, he does have a point.

From the limited information I've read here, it seems as if he's mentally incapable of changing, in which case either the manic state passes, or he's like that forever.

perphila said...

I have a friend who is bipolar. She can't handle money at all. She used to be able to. The problem is that even when she is stable having access to the family funds is sometimes a trigger in itself and too tempting. She worked out a system with her husband where he is the one who handles the finances and he gives her for lack of a better word an "allowance". There are are a lot of times when she feels resentful about it. Mostly though those are the times when she is having mood swings. When she is stable she understands that when she is in an episode or even just mood swinging a bit she could wind up destroying the family funds. She has children and doesn't want to have to recover from another "incident". This is just one situation that works for this one person. Every person's situation is different. I don't think that all people who have bipolar can't handle money either. This was a very specfic solution for this family. It might work for you guys too, it may not. DH doesn't sound like he is stable enough for it to work to me. My friend was able to accept what she had done and is dealing with the guilt in therapy and moving forward with a solution with her husband that works for them. DH isn't even in therapy yet. I think he does feel bad for what he does and for you but as of yet can't seem to change. You have been working hard for yourself saying no to "picking stuff up" and things like that. That is so huge. Don't forget that. Saying no, trying to accept that things DH used to do and can't right now and may not ever be able to do again is daunting. You are in that process and sometimes feeling trapped is normal. Just remember where you were and how far you have come in your acceptance and understanding and your own abilities to stand up for yourself while doing all of the above. It is hard for the spouse to be the brunt of the anger. You are doing so well. The hard part now to not feel trapped is trying to find a solution that works best for you. A plan for right now and more plans for when DH is more stable. A therapist might be able to help there. Does the pdoc know how bad the spending really is? I know trying to think up a way out of the mess just seems like another chore to do. One step at a time. Focus on what you can when you can and back off if it is too stressful for you then try again. If anything it's what you are best at. You are a very strong person...:)

Anonymous said...

I'd cut him off. No money for cigs. No gas money. No money for soda. He had cash and he blew it. If you keep bailing him out he'll never learn. Plus, cigarettes and soda are bad for you. It's not like you're depriving him of food and water.
Have you considered a trial separation? It might be the wake up call he needs.

DogAteMyFinances said...

I don't have any solutions or anything for you, I just want you to know that I follow your blog, and I'm sorry for all you have to deal with.

Becky said...

I hope that you don't mind me stopping by to leave a comment. I was blog hopping around tonight, and found your post.

Can I just say that I too have the same difficulties with my husband. He is bipolar and used to have the worst spending problem- I took over the finances and cut him off (he now gets an allowance). One thing that has helped me through his disorder is by finding blog sites and venting with other people who share my pain, and reading books about others who also have this disorder. My favorite book to date is a book titled, "bipolar bare," by Carlton Davis- it is the best memoir on the subject of bipolar disorder that I have ever read. Plus it is nice to hear Carlton's story to know that I there are others out there sharing my same experiences. Hang in there.

Karen said...

Oh Carol. This made me cry.
I feel like I have been working forever to pay off debts.My daughter is bipolar and does not seem to comprehend that the bills outstrip what I earn.
I have spent the last 4 months paying off hospital bills for episodes that were not in our control.
Medical aid do not cover suicide attempts nor pay for certian bi polar medication.
I must do this.
I must see her well.
So I do, and so must you. Its what we do.Chin up. You can do this.