Sunday, September 21, 2008

Am I the one being a jerk here?

Well, today was another weird day. I think DH is having some depression, and various physical symptoms, it's hard to tell what is what. He had his Cat Scan, but hasn't gotten the results yet. He's convinced that it was all a big waste of time. In the meantime, I decided that I was going to try to give him $40 a week for kind of an "allowance" because I hate feeling like a jerk when he asks me for money all the time. I figured, well, he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. At $4.50 a pack, that's what, 31.50 for a weeks worth of cigs? And that would leave him $8.50 to buy pop or whatever else he thought was important. Considering the state of our finances, I thought this was a good plan. He did too, when I gave him the $40 on Friday and told him my idea. However, today (please note it is exactly ONE day later) he needs money for a pack of cigarettes. He cannot account for where the money went. ARGH.

But that is not what this post is about, not really. Do you (for those of you who've been reading this for a while) remember my "gold" dollars? If you don't, please click on the link to get caught up. Anyhow, a while after that, I had started to collect the gold dollars again. Anyhow, here's where I started to be a jerk: DH came home from his Spenders meeting and I realized that he had bought a non-diet pop. (Remember that his blood sugar was in the 500's earlier this year). So I saw it sitting there on the table and, well, it somehow (wink wink) fell into the garbage. DH realized that I must've had something to do with that, and since DD had just scooped the litter boxes and taken out the garbage, I couldn't give him his pop back (at least I couldn't give it back to him in a non-poopy state), even if I had wanted to. I know this was kind of controlling of me. But I also knew that he wouldn't refrain from drinking it if I just politely asked. Anyhow, when he didn't get his pop back, he took my gold dollars hostage. He said I could have them back when I gave him his pop back. (Isn't this childish?, I know it is--on my part, too) Anyhow, this bothered me hugely, because he had already stolen my gold dollars once and spent a good portion of them. Now here he was taking them from me again. I knew he didn't see it that way, though, and I didn't want to start something, so I pretended like it didn't bother me at all. But it sure did. I was fairly sure that he wouldn't spend them, but I"ve been wrong before....

Then, for some reason, later in the day, he started talking about the 4-wheeler.

He started begging me to go for a ride on it, he was sure I would really have fun. I told him I just couldn't. Then I got the bright idea of telling him I would go for one ride if he would give me back my gold dollars. It was a deal. So he gave me back the gold dollars and I was all set to grit my teeth for the ride. But then he told me that I was going to love it, and I told him I wasn't at all. He told me that if I had forgiven him for buying it, and I was (and still am) paying for it, I might as well enjoy it. I told him that I just couldn't. The 4-wheeler was something that he chose to do, knowing (in some part of his mind, anyhow) that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want it, didn't even KNOW about it, and had no use for it. To me it felt like a betrayal, although I didn't use that word when I was talking with DH. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I just wanted him to know that I just can't ever see myself enjoying that machine.

To me, it felt kind of the same as if he had cheated on me and then wanted me to be friends with the lady he cheated with. Yes, she might be very nice. Yes, we probably would enjoy each others' company, but it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Anyhow, DH got rather upset as I tried to explain this the best I could without pointing out things that he had done that I didn't handle well (and am still trying to get a grip on). He got a little angry because I keep saying that I have forgiven him and yet I won't just learn to love the 4-wheeler. But I feel the same way about the laptop and the digital camera. I won't have anything to do with them. I've forgiven (or so I thought) DH for the spending sprees that bought those things. But I still don't want to play with them.

He got rather disgusted and said he didn't want to go for a ride after all. I was fine with that, as I only agreed because I wanted my gold dollars back. And I've been trying to search my soul to see if I can recognize that I'm wrong about the 4-wheeler. So far either I'm in denial or I can't. If I'm being unreasonable, I wish I could see it. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

And I did get my gold dollars back, but I'm kind of mad about that, too.


perphila said...

I don't think you are a jerk. I don't think the issue is about right and wrong either. One of the hardest things (for me anyway) is to accept, understand and explain to others how you can forgive the person but not the behavior. What was done during an episode to hurt you either emotionally or finacially even if not "on purpose" is still a road of healing you and you alone must travel and heal from at your own pace. Having the objects of the betrayal (I would feel the same as you there) around you everyday I think will make it harder to recover from. Maybe DH just isn't in an emotional empathic place yet to understand you need time. You have every right to like or dislike anything. Especially his "toys". As for the pop thing, if he was sitting there snorting coke or something else dangerous to his body would you have taken that? High blood sugar like that is deadly. Yes you were a bit sneaky and I totally understand wanting to avoid a fight since it seems he is in that kind of place right now. I am sure when he is able to think clearly again he will thank you. After all, if he was thinking clearly would he have been drinking the non diet pop to begin with? Most likely not.

Anonymous said...

Hi....coming over to visit after you so graciously came and visited my site! I hope to catch up on reading later in the week. Anyway, thanks for stopping by my site and leaving a comment. I always enjoy the comments, but especially the ones from fellow Minnesotans!!!!

Anonymous said...

Is there anywhere that you can hide your gold dollars, then just tell your husband you decided to put them in the bank so he won't be looking for them. In my opinion you have a good cause to be upset with him.

Anonymous said...

sorry for just showing up out of nowhere, a stranger, and commenting on your blog... i found the link on a comment you left on post-secret...

i don't think you are being a jerk at all... not a single bit. i have bipolar disorder. because of this, i don't keep people close to me because when i'm down, i'm waaaaaay down and people don't/won't/can't deal with it. and when i'm having a manic episode, i get really happy with my money...this actually caused me to have to file for bankruptcy last year. that's why i don't think you are being a jerk, i'm not married, i don't have a family, when i do these things, i'm only hurting myself - i'm having no (immediate) impact on anyone. his actions, even if it is something caused by the illness, still have a huge impact on you. if you don't stand your ground, he will pull you down with him. and i don't mean that in a mean way, i just know that i've done the same thing to others without realizing it and now i'm afraid to be close to anyone because i don't want to do it again. but by standing your ground, you are also (even if he doesn't see it that way) doing him a big favor. if it weren't for the people who truly offer me support and are constantly able to help me see what i'm doing that needs to change, i would probably completely self-destruct.
he has an illness. and he may never be "better," but you also can't let guilt control you.
i've often wondered what kind of hell i put people through with my behavior...i know it's not easy for you. i hope someday you will be able to find some peace... some middle ground.
if you're supposed to be able to understand, respect, deal with what he is going through and allow him time and space to adjust, then he needs to be able to do the same thing for you...don't EVER forget that.
good luck with the journey...it's not an easy one and i hate that you have to deal with it.