Am I the one being a jerk here?

Well, today was another weird day. I think DH is having some depression, and various physical symptoms, it's hard to tell what is what. He had his Cat Scan, but hasn't gotten the results yet. He's convinced that it was all a big waste of time. In the meantime, I decided that I was going to try to give him $40 a week for kind of an "allowance" because I hate feeling like a jerk when he asks me for money all the time. I figured, well, he smokes a pack of cigarettes a day. At $4.50 a pack, that's what, 31.50 for a weeks worth of cigs? And that would leave him $8.50 to buy pop or whatever else he thought was important. Considering the state of our finances, I thought this was a good plan. He did too, when I gave him the $40 on Friday and told him my idea. However, today (please note it is exactly ONE day later) he needs money for a pack of cigarettes. He cannot account for where the money went. ARGH.

But that is not what this post is about, not really. Do you (for those of you who've been reading this for a while) remember my "gold" dollars? If you don't, please click on the link to get caught up. Anyhow, a while after that, I had started to collect the gold dollars again. Anyhow, here's where I started to be a jerk: DH came home from his Spenders meeting and I realized that he had bought a non-diet pop. (Remember that his blood sugar was in the 500's earlier this year). So I saw it sitting there on the table and, well, it somehow (wink wink) fell into the garbage. DH realized that I must've had something to do with that, and since DD had just scooped the litter boxes and taken out the garbage, I couldn't give him his pop back (at least I couldn't give it back to him in a non-poopy state), even if I had wanted to. I know this was kind of controlling of me. But I also knew that he wouldn't refrain from drinking it if I just politely asked. Anyhow, when he didn't get his pop back, he took my gold dollars hostage. He said I could have them back when I gave him his pop back. (Isn't this childish?, I know it is--on my part, too) Anyhow, this bothered me hugely, because he had already stolen my gold dollars once and spent a good portion of them. Now here he was taking them from me again. I knew he didn't see it that way, though, and I didn't want to start something, so I pretended like it didn't bother me at all. But it sure did. I was fairly sure that he wouldn't spend them, but I"ve been wrong before....

Then, for some reason, later in the day, he started talking about the 4-wheeler.

He started begging me to go for a ride on it, he was sure I would really have fun. I told him I just couldn't. Then I got the bright idea of telling him I would go for one ride if he would give me back my gold dollars. It was a deal. So he gave me back the gold dollars and I was all set to grit my teeth for the ride. But then he told me that I was going to love it, and I told him I wasn't at all. He told me that if I had forgiven him for buying it, and I was (and still am) paying for it, I might as well enjoy it. I told him that I just couldn't. The 4-wheeler was something that he chose to do, knowing (in some part of his mind, anyhow) that we couldn't afford it, that I didn't want it, didn't even KNOW about it, and had no use for it. To me it felt like a betrayal, although I didn't use that word when I was talking with DH. I wasn't trying to make him feel bad. I just wanted him to know that I just can't ever see myself enjoying that machine.

To me, it felt kind of the same as if he had cheated on me and then wanted me to be friends with the lady he cheated with. Yes, she might be very nice. Yes, we probably would enjoy each others' company, but it AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN! Anyhow, DH got rather upset as I tried to explain this the best I could without pointing out things that he had done that I didn't handle well (and am still trying to get a grip on). He got a little angry because I keep saying that I have forgiven him and yet I won't just learn to love the 4-wheeler. But I feel the same way about the laptop and the digital camera. I won't have anything to do with them. I've forgiven (or so I thought) DH for the spending sprees that bought those things. But I still don't want to play with them.

He got rather disgusted and said he didn't want to go for a ride after all. I was fine with that, as I only agreed because I wanted my gold dollars back. And I've been trying to search my soul to see if I can recognize that I'm wrong about the 4-wheeler. So far either I'm in denial or I can't. If I'm being unreasonable, I wish I could see it. DH thinks I'm being unreasonable.

And I did get my gold dollars back, but I'm kind of mad about that, too.