Me: uhhh....hullo?
It's my mother in law.
MIL: Oh, hi, sweetie, I didn't know you'd be sleeping...
Me: Oh, that's ok.
MIL: Say, we're coming up tomorrow, do you think you'd have any time to maybe go out to lunch or something?
Me: Oh, sure! We could go out to lunch...!
MIL: Ok, then, great! How are you doing?
Me: Oh, I'm fine, things are calming down...(she knows that things have bee tough with my mom...)
MIL: Say, you know, I gave DH $160 for his car insurance to give you, did he give that to you?
Me: Um, uh, hang on a second....oh, jeez, dropped the phone....
MIL: Well, he gave that to you, right? It's for the car insurance.
Me: Um...I guess you should talk to DH about that. (By far not my quickest response, or smartest, but I truthfully don't have any idea where we'd get another $160.00 now that he's spent it all...
MIL: HE DIDN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU???? DID HE SPEND THAT????
Me: I don't know, you should probably talk to him.
(DH still won't tell me what he spent the money on, just that he doesn't have any of it left and that he had, according to him, "a giant mood swing")
MIL: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SPENT THAT MONEY, DID HE SPEND ALL THAT MONEY?
Me: I'm not sure.
I really did not know what to say. I'm very angry that he spent that money, when his mom gave it to us to help us out. I'm very angry that he won't tell her the truth. But it's really not my place to tell her, either. I didn't want to lie to her. I really didn't know how to handle it.
I know she's going to ask me about it again tomorrow. I don't know what to say. I wish I felt comfortable telling her, "Look. Any cash that he has in his hands, including the cash that you gave him to give to me to buy nylons and strapless bra for DD's formal dance, it all gets spent. Every cent. Unless you put it in my hand, I'm not going to see it. That's just how it is these days."
But it's her son I'm talking about. And blood is thicker than water, of course. And of course, not only is that going to make waves with DH and his mom, but also waves between DH and me....just not my place. But I wish it was. I hope some day she'll see the light without my help. But you know, after you've known a person to be responsible for so long, it's very hard to come to the realization that they aren't any more....
Monday, March 30, 2009
Not the best thing.
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3 comments:
That's a toughie. Most of my family still doesn't get that my brain doesn't work the same and while it's not exactly an excuse, I still need some slack and time for what is obvious to most people...
but I never want to be excused from all expectations. By MIL not understanding I think she's kindof enabling his naturally impulsive nature and DH will never get redirected to more responsible thought processes.
I think if you really could use that help, you're going to have to say something. Maybe not tell her everything but just let her know that you never saw any of it. Be honest about it with her. But put it back on her...ie "Well, since you asked, no, I haven't seen any of that money." and leave it at that.
You don't want her to feel ignored or unappreciated, but she needs to know the truth too and obviously your dh isn't going to tell her.
I had this problem with my mom. My mom isn't bipolar but I would give her money to help her pay her bills and they wouldn't get paid. When I would ask my sister who lived with her what was going on she would ignore me or not answer me and that pissed me off.
When my sister finally let loose and did tell me. I was able to understand because I had no clue this was happening again but knew it was true when she told me.
This way, if my mom came to me for money to pay a bill, I asked her for the bill or wrote a check to who it was due and then she stopped asking me anymore.
It seems like he uses his "mood swings" to his advantage. He doesn't feel like talking to you on the phone about looking for a job -- gotta go! He's about to have a mood swing.
Where did the $160 go? It was that damn mood swing. A GIANT one this time.
I have no doubt that he really does experience mood swings but they're no excuse for ripping you off;
Obviously, he can't be trusted with money. His mother. I don't see anything disloyal in telling your MIL that any money that she gives him will automatically disappear.
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