Thursday, March 26, 2009


Some days I just get so discouraged. Today's one of those, I guess. I feel like I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try.

I look at the yard, there's all sorts of pop cans and cigarette butts that DH threw there, because he was too lazy to take two steps to the garbage can. There's a whole winter's worth of "doggie presents" from 6 doggies. The roof is beyond any redemption, and the chicken house still hasn't been repaired since last year when the tree fell on it. (The chickens still go in and out, but we can't open the door(s). And I won't even get started on the repairs the inside needs. Even if I could do all of this, I just don't have time. And DD can sometimes be convinced, but she doesn't do a very good job most of the time, as far as cleaning up the yard...and there's no way she can fix the chicken house or the roof. Or clean the gutters. Or put on a new door.

And then there's the bills. They're still coming in. Remember that "job" that DH had last year for those apartments? (link here) Well, he signed up to get liability insurance for that job, and when the job didn't pan out, he didn't pay the insurance. So today a bill collector called about that.

And I got a "second notice" for back when he was in the hospital in his mom's town (link here) $316.00. And his mom sent him home with $160.00 that he was supposed to give me to pay for the car insurance on the car that she gave him. I haven't seen a dime of it. (I won't be insuring that car, though, unless a whole bunch of dimes crop up...) And I know the cell phone bill is coming due. How I'd LOVE to drop those cell phones....but I'm afraid to, because a) I work so far from home that there are regular 2-hour gaps in the time when I am reachable by land line, and with DD, DH and my mom all prone to emergencies, that doesn't seem like a wise way to go... and b) when DH was suicidal, the cell phone (his AND mine) was a way to keep closer tabs on him. In fact his therapist had even suggested that if 20 minutes go by and I am unable to reach DH by cell phone or otherwise, that I am to call 911. So I keep trying to scrape up money to pay for the darn cell phones. But I know I really can't afford them at all, and they're always the last bill I pay, because of that.

And I'm looking at those loans for the 4-wheeler and the truck. At least two more years until those are paid off. So at least two more years, until there's some "wiggle room" in the budget, where I could buy a new jacket from WalMart instead of the thrift store, or where I could pitch in to order Chinese with the folks from work...two years seems so far away....especially if I get laid off. But even if I don't, two years of working 66 hrs a week, no time for hobbies or therapy for myself, or exercise or anything. That in itself is daunting, when I think about it.

But I put it all together with the fact that DH is STILL no closer to working than he was a year ago, DD is STILL failing three classes, and my mom STILL has Alzheimer's, it's so overwhelming....I don't have any idea how I'm going to get through all this. All I can do is pray and do my best....

And hope I feel more optimistic tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

I feel sad that your are working so hard and things are not getting any better, it's like you're swimming upstream. I can see how you would feel discouraged.
Big Hugs,

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you have to carry all those burdens on your shoulders. Maybe your husband should sign up for disability payments. I thought when I first started reading your blog that being on disability would just encourage him to do nothing but it looks like he's not making any kind of effort to get a job. You guys need another source of income pronto.
Can you sit down with your DH and level with him? Tell him you can't make ends meet on your own and it's time for him to help. He clearly qualifies for disability and it would relieve you of a lot of the stress you're experiencing.
You deserve some time for yourself. You deserve to buy new clothes and get a manicure or whatever you'd like. I'm sure your DH will try and procrastinate but he's already delayed too long.
One other thing: can you sell the four-wheeler or the truck?