Thursday, November 6, 2008

I guess that's not the answer

Well, back to the old grindstone, after my "mini-vacation"....sigh....I brought DH to the grocery store with me--bad idea. He wanted this and that, just like a kid!!! And then I started to feel like a big meanie, because I kept saying "no" but I was buying stuff that "I" thought we needed, and--do you know what I mean? I guess I didn't want to be "treating him like a child", so I got his pot pies, his fancy lunch meat (even though I know the last time I bought that lunch meat, he ate it all in one day, as a "snack"), ingredients for a dinner that he enjoys....when it was all said and done, I wound up spending a LOT more than I had planned. And now, because I was careless and frivolous, I'm going to have to find a way to come up with DH's truck payment--it's already 2 weeks late, and I don't usually let things go that far. I'm afraid I'm going to have to "rob Peter to pay Paul" and I just hate that, especially when I know that the problem could and should have been prevented....I think back to the times when we were both working and we were debt free, too, and how I didn't even appreciate the fact that I could go to the grocery store and not feel bad when I got home....you never know what you've got until it's gone :-(

And to top that off, I don't think the additional Lithium is doing much for DH. I haven't seen any real difference yet. Maybe it's too soon....I hope....

DD's therapist told me that DD is doing "amazingly well", "beyond her wildest dreams". She told me I'm doing an amazing job and she doesn't know how I'm holding everything together. If I stop to think about it, I don't know either. But I don't feel like I'm holding everything together, I feel like little by little, things are slipping out of my control and I am stretched so thin that I can't do a thing about it.

My mom's cat had two "episodes" this past week where he (um) messed all over her apartment. And the assisted living people called me to come and take care of it. Since that is not normal for him (obviously), I took the cat to the vet and he was diagnosed with kidney failure. So back to the vet for special food and education. So now I am managing my mom's cat, because she can't do it. And the assisted living people told her that she needed to clean his litter box more often, so now I'm going to be doing that, too. I'm only complaining about it because I have so little time. It's a labor of love, of course, but it signifies two different things for me, one, my mom is slowly declining, and two, more care-taking for me. The first one, makes me so sad, I try to keep myself in a constant state of denial. The second one, well, really no big deal. But I can whine a little about that. I love my mom so much and she has done so much for me--it is so painful for me to see her like this: "Carol, I got the top off of the can of cat food, but how am I supposed to get the food out?" "You're gonna have to take a spoon and use it like a shovel and shovel the cat food out." "Oh, that's what I was doing, but I thought I was doing it wrong." When I stop to think about it, it makes me want to lay in bed and cry for hours.


perphila said...

I don't know if this is a good idea or not but what about making a shopping list togther at home. You would have time to discuss what you "need" and if you have a flyer there you can check prices. DH can contribute his ideas and wants and that would hopefully solve the "treating me like a child" thing. When you're right there at the store it's so much harder to reason with someone why it's not ok to get this or that. Then if you go together again you have the list right there and point out you guys made the list together and need to stick to it. I do that with the kids and when I bring them and they ask for this and that I remind them I asked them what they wanted before we left the house and added it to the the list and we have to stick to the list. The groan but agree. They used to beg too but I just showed them the list and let go of my own guilt. I told them to blame the list not me...:)

You mentioned feeling stretched thin. I know how you feel. It was weird seeing my feeling written down like that. My own therapist tells me he doesn't know how I do it sometimes and what I great job I am doing. He says he knows he couldn't handle the things I am dealing with as well as I am but even though he says those things I don't always feel better hearing them. I feel like things are spinning out of contol sometimes and I should be doing better. That is my heart speaking I think. My mind tells me to take care of myself more and I am doing the best I can. I know I couldn't handle the work schedule you do. I am constantly amazed. DD doing so well is something to add to the list of things to be grateful for...:)

I'm sorry about your mom. I don't blame you about the whole denial thing. I am doing the same thing with my mom and uncle.

Immi said...

It does sound like a whole lot on your plate. Perphila's list suggestion sounds like a good one to try. I hope the lithium kicks in and DH feels better and you feel better with him. That's great about DD and her therapist. *sending hugs your way*

Nathan Hawks said...

Hugs to you... like Immi said that is a lot on your plate. Your dedication to acts of love is amazing.

I'm glad I'm forced to take care of my own financial and food situations... otherwise I can be irresponsible and have unreasonable expectations. Maybe DH would take to what perphila's saying. Another thought is to include a spreadsheet in the shopping so DH can see the money before the shopping list is being rung up by a clerk.