Sunday, July 6, 2008


That's what I feel like. "Ugh" is what DH always says when he is angry and doesn't know how to express it. "Ugh" when there's a lot troubling him. And that's how I feel tonite, so I'm stealing his expression.

The 4th was not too bad. DH seemed a little peppier, and lit some fireworks off for his mom and my mom who had come for the "big show". Mostly, though, he just stayed in bed. This morning, he couldn't wake up for anything, and he had to go to Spenders. He did get out of bed, but I guess he fell asleep in the meeting and was saying things that didn't make any sense. So he came home, and while I was sleeping, brought DD to visit her bio mom in a situation that was not well-controlled and I could not get him to understand that we probably should have discussed it first, even if it meant he had to wake me up. Eventually I figured it was a lost cause and just "forgot" about it.

After that, DH was basically in bed all day. I guess he got up long enough at about 9pm (I was already on my way to work) to tell DD to go to bed. So she did, for about 5 minutes, until DH went back to bed, then she got up again and made a huge mess. I don't know who to be angry with, since DH should've been supervising her, and DD should've known better anyhow, and Jim was there the whole time.....

And DH brought up his pawn shop crap again, too. "It's time"...."tomorrow's the 6th"....like I'm going to be able to just whip out a wad of bills and pay for all of his stupidity. But if I don't, then I'm not a good wife, then I don't love him, etc....I just hate it all today.

I'm feeling very fed up today. I can't do it all, I just can't. I can't work both of these jobs and still be there to supervise DD and supervise DH too. And do 78 zillion loads of laundry, and a few loads of dishes....oh--and my mom is upset because her ice water at dinner didn't have any ice in it. I tried to tell her that maybe it was just warm out and the ice melted, and she said, "well, it never has before." Ugh.

I feel like everything is out of control and no matter how hard I try, I'm not going to be able to do everything right. So Ugh. Ugh-Ugh-Ugh.


Lorna said...

I feel ugh for you. It sounds like you are being stretched far too much. You can't possibly do everything, you are only human. Also, the fact that you are having to work all the time means you can't control how much he sleeps or motivate him to do anything in any way, and it sounds like he is stuck in that vicious downward spiral. It's so tough, you just can't do the right thing when you are talking to the illness, you cannot reason with it and instead recieve abuse.

Take care, Lorna x

perphila said...

I know how you feel. I have been feeling that quite a bit lately too. My husband my not be here but I still have to deal with his illness everyday. We do what we have to and take it one minute at a time if it comes to that. Knowing we aren't alone helps. I still believe things will be better someday. It is hard stepping back sometimes and see things that are steps forward. Isn't it funny how one bad thing needs ten good things to combat it?

Anonymous said...

maybe he could live with his mom for a couple of weeks or so, to give you a break...at least you'd save on the groceries and money handouts. I sure wouldn't be giving him money for his pawnshop fiasco he needs to be accountable for his screw ups.