Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I'm so scared and worried now

DH, from the sounds of it has been in bed all day :-( I called him and he said, "I'm having a lot of bad thoughts." I started questioning him about the thoughts and he said he really just wants to go to a bar and get drunk. With that comment you need to understand that prior to bipolar, DH and I were such non-drinkers that liquor from our 2000 (year) wedding was still in our house, untouched, in 2005. In other words, neither of us, in our natural state(s), is a drinker of any kind. So this comment was scary in that sense, and also scary because that was one of the big problems that was happening last year--he was going and getting drunk at bars and lying to me about it. And since Lithium, he hasn't had an urge to do that at all, so this seems like a big deal to me.

Then I was asking him more questions, trying to figure out what was bipolar and what was normal feelings (considering his job loss, I'm sure), and I apparently was overzealous, and he said, "I'M NOT ANSWERING ANY OF YOUR QUESTIONS. YOU INTERRUPTED ME THREE TIMES AND SO I'M NOT GOING TO TALK ANY MORE." I felt bad, I hadn't realized I was interrupting, and it's possible that I thought he had paused in his talking when he hadn't, but whatever, in my attempt to figure things out and possibly help or offer advice, I made it worse. Now he won't talk to me at all, and I'm pretty sure he's suicidal. I asked dd if he'd been out of the bedroom all day and she said "no".

I don't know how to handle this, and I'm scared. I'm scared that we are going to fall back into the place we were a year ago, and things had been going so well. Even the "bad" days weren't so bad. I was starting to remember what it was like to have a husband again. And most of it wasn't related to work, although it felt good to have him contributing, and his self-esteem went up, that wasn't it at all. It was seeing him smile, having him ask me how I was doing, how could he help, do you wanna have a "date night"....

I tried to apologize for interrupting him, but he wasn't interested. He just said "I'll call you later." And so far, he hasn't. I wish I had some sort of coping mechanism for these situations, I feel so helpless and frustrated.


Lorna said...

That sounds just like bipolar talking and not him, so you shouldn't feel bad. You tried to talk to him and help him but that is how the bipolar part of him interpreted it. I know my husband's speech becomes strained when he is having an episode and contrcting sentences fluently is a problem, there for pauses in the speech. I hope you have been able to talk to him face to face now and he is a little better.

Have you read the book 'Loveing someone with bipolar disorder' by Julie fast? It has a chapter on bipolar conversations and how to deal with them.

Sorry I can't be more helpful, it's all new to me at the moment.

Take care, thinking of you,
Lorna x x x

perphila said...

Is there anyone else you can contact that knows your situation in case of emergency? I think this is the bipolar speaking but if there was ever a time you really felt that things were turning suicidal then there could be someone who could check in on him. Don't beat yourself up about how you handled the conversation. You were trying to help. At least you haven't run away from asking questions when that guy comes out because that is what that guy wants, for you to stop asking questions and walk away. He seems to have hit a trigger. Can you call his doctor?

Carol said...

Hi Lorna--I hadn't heard of that book before, it sounds like something that I would find very helpful! I am going to check the library this weekend, and then if they can't get it, I'll check Amazon--thanks for the tip...its so hard not to take things as if they were coming from a "normal-thinking" person sometimes!

Perphila--Jim is still there (still going to do a post on that one of these days)--and I think you're right about the trigger thing. DH hasn't seen his therapist since he started working, and he hasn't made any Dr. appts. either. Our small town is served by one clinic and everyone in town goes there. And they are so busy, you can't just call them up and ask them what to do....they'll tell you to call the crisis line (he won't) or the hospital (ditto there). If I was extremely fearful I could call the police, I came close to doing that once, but it's such a tough call.

Lorna said...

It is a great book, I have found it really helpful and we are hoping to go through some of the things she suggests together. I bought mine off Amazon for about £3, so $5 for you? I had to pay a little extra for shipping from the US, so it would be really cheap for you!