Sunday, July 27, 2008

Self-Sabotage, indeed!

Well, DH and I had an interesting conversation earlier today. He was talking about how he just can't get out of bed, no matter what. And he forgets to set his alarm. And he forgets to go to appointments that could potentially benefit him. I wasn't too sure how much I should say about all this, because I wasn't confident that he was DH and "That Guy" wasn't around. So I just tried to be supportive without saying much except things like, "Yeah, I wonder why that is?"

And out of the blue he says: Do you think I could be sabotaging myself? Maybe I'm so afraid deep down that I'm going to have problems at work again, that I'm doing this to avoid dealing with the stress...? At that point, I realized it was truly DH that I was talking with, so I said, "Yes, I think you're exactly right." And he said, "I wonder how I can stop." And I suggested that his therapist might have some ideas. And he said, "Yeah, he might. I've gotta make an appointment." And I stepped out on a ledge and said "Yeah, you've been kind of sabotaging your therapy lately, too." And he agreed that he had.

He told me that he gets very worried when I get frustrated, and he thinks I'm going to give up on him. I tried to explain to me that it seems so obvious to me, that some of the things he does, like stay up until 4am when he has a job interview at 9am, it just doesn't make sense to me at all, and I have a tough time understanding that he can't see it for what it is. And he said to me, "Well, you know if I'm sabotaging myself, I'm trying very hard not to see it, aren't I?"

Holy cow! In that moment, he was seeing his illness in a clearer light than I was. I hope he can keep it up.