Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I'm doomed--or at least I feel like I am...

I'm feeling really overwhelmed today (and yesterday too). Over the weekend, DH went to his mom's to (purportedly) do some work and get paid for it. That left me with DD and work too. Luckily, I was able to put DD to bed at 9pm on the weekend nights, and then go to work, so there wasn't too much opportunity for her to get into trouble....but I still worry so much leaving her like that...I know she's 15, but still....

Anyhow, that was the start of it, and then I had a bad night at work--one of my coworkers left me a not-very-nice note that basically said I wasn't doing my job. Not just a "you forgot to do this" but really not nice. But the thing she was complaining about was a tiny trivial thing--I forgot to empty the wastebasket in the office and, according to her, "It was overflowing". It was true, I had forgotten about the office, because most people, myself included, don't go in there at all--it's for administration--filling out forms, reading mail, etc. When I went into the office after I got that note, there were about 5 pieces of computer paper crumpled up in the wastebasket. And it looked like a couple of pieces of paper had been thrown on the floor to get the point across that it was overflowing and all that. In the real world, if the five pieces of paper were that upsetting, most people would have just pushed them down to the bottom of the wastebasket to make more room....I had to fight with myself to keep my sarcastic replies to myself. I wrote an email that was much nicer than I thought she deserved, saying that I messed up, thanks for the heads-up, etc., basically not pointing out that she probably spent more energy and time writing that note than she would have if she had just dealt with the situation. This is the same person who, one time when I filled in for her, was being checked up on by the director, because they suspected that she was sleeping on her overnight shifts. When the director showed up at 2am and saw me, she said, "Oh you're not the one we were checking up on," and without directly saying that they were checking up on her, I told my coworker what had happened, so that if she was sleeping, she wouldn't get caught. I guess (yup, I'm pretty disgusted) I'll just keep my mouth shut next time!

On Monday, I went to my mom's and (as usual) read her the newsletter that pertains to the assisted living complex where she lives. They were planning a drive to see the fall colors and a lunch on the way. My mom went on that day trip the first year that she lived there and she still talks about it. So I reminded her that she really enjoyed that, and she should sign up. And she made an excuse like, "I want the new people to have a chance to go." And I told her that she had as much right to go as anyone else, and she started yelling at me, really! She wasn't just stern, she raised her voice as if I'd ordered her to dye her hair green and told her she had no choice. I couldn't say anything at all, she was angry and although I'm sure it wasn't really me, it was one more thing. But don't worry, even though she was mad at me, she still needed me to go to the store for her :-)

So that wasn't a good start to my weekend, and DH called and said that basically for about two days at his mom's, he hadn't gotten anything done. That didn't surprise me, because that's kind of how things go at home, too. I spent all day Monday doing stuff and still ran out of time. I did about 10 loads of laundry, cleaned the kitchen, went to the store for my mom, got feed, etc., then on Tuesday it was back to work at my other job. When I got there, I was the recipient of a not-so-nice email from my boss, because the week before, I had been working on a certain system, and the system went down and was still down when I left. When it came back up, my job was "stuck" in the system and it held up other peoples' work, so my boss (who is not the most tactful or considerate) had to write that email. Double work whammy. I don't think that's ever happened before.

So I started thinking about it--I know I'm getting burned out. I HATE going to work. I HATE that every single paycheck is spent before it even hits the bank. I HATE that I have no time to do the things that are important to me outside of work. So maybe I AM slipping....so I gave that some serious thought. I think some days are better than others, but I don't feel like I'm doing any worse than anyone else in general...

So I tried to figure out why I was so upset. I've been on the brink of tears all week. It's like my emotions are right there at the surface. Could it be the economy? I've purposefully tried not to say much about it here, because what I have to say won't be good. But maybe that's what's been dragging me down...I don't know.

So then DH was supposed to be home from his mom's on Tuesday before DD got home from school. At 2pm he called and told me that he was still at his mom's (4 hour drive).
So I had to go to work and leave DD by herself. She can usually do ok for one day of being awake and alone, and then on the second day she gets brave and that's when the trouble starts....and she did do ok. But then I had to worry about the dogs, too, because with 6 dogs you always have to be aware of the dynamics, as there are pack mentality issues and personality issues. DH had said he would be home by 6 or 7, so when I left for work I left two dogs tied up outside, one dog in DD's bedroom, and the three others in the house (the three that were least likely to cause a problem). When DH didn't get home by dark, DD called and told me that the outside dogs were barking, so I had to have her put them in the porch. I don't like that she had to do that, because she is not as aware of the things that can happen. (Don't get me wrong--our dogs are all quite friendly and mostly non-assertive, but the possibility always exists and we would be bad owners if I/we weren't aware of that possibility and do what we can to make sure the chances are minimal). We've coached DD ever since she came to live with us that "if dogs ever get in a fight, don't try to break it up, just get away from them and stay safe." But she's never had to do that, so I don't know if she really would. Luckily, everything worked out, but it was just another worry. DH did get home at 9:30pm. And by that time, I was frazzled.