Thursday, October 2, 2008

I think I'm going to be sick.

There is just no end to this bad week. Silly me for thinking that was all there was....

After DH got home last night, he called to tell me that he was home, everything was ok, and DD was in bed. He told me that he was going to have to go back up there to finish the work he had started but not finished, and that his mom had given him gas money (it costs about $130 in gas for him to get there in the truck and I don't have that kind of money). I was relieved, both because I wasn't expected to come up with the cash, and because DH was leaving again. It's kind of funny, I love him so much, but things really run so much smoother when he's not there....

Anyhow, about a half hour later, he called me again. I got a red flag alert right away--he had that sound in his voice--I've called it "triumphant"--like he's just conquered the world. I don't know how else to describe it, it's not the words he uses at all, but his voice changes....anyhow, there's only one thing that particular voice has ever signified: spending.

Hoping I was wrong, and still hoping against hope that he was still at home (but doubting it due to what I had heard in his voice), I asked him "Where are you going?" "Well, I forgot the key to our bedroom at my mom's, so I can't get into the bedroom." "So I thought I'd go to the casino and spend $20 while I wait for you to get home from work. I'm on my way right now." (remember we lock our bedroom door because DD had stolen from us years ago...). BIG RED FLAG BIG. BIG.

And I told him so. I said, "you've got that spending sound in your voice again." "I don't think it's a good idea." "You can't afford to be throwing away money at the casino." "Why don't you go home and just doze on the couch until I get home?"

He said, "It's only $20."

Me: "I'm afraid that won't be the case."

DH: "Well, I can't spend any of that other money, my mom gave me that especially for gas. There's no way I could spend her money like that."

Me: (Thinking about when his mom had given him $1200 for the bankruptcy, and he spent it all, after saying the exact same thing to me when I suggested that I hold on to it) "Are you aware that we've had this exact same conversation before? More than once?"

I didn't want to bring up the $1200 that he had spent, because I figured it would just make him mad and he would feel like I was bringing up "past sins", so I didn't.

DH: "We have?"

DH: "Well, don't worry, I know without a doubt that I am only spending $20."

When I left work at 4am, I called our house, and DH was not there. I was so angry. But then I somehow convinced myself that maybe he had won a bunch of money....and I let it go at that.

Then today, he was intermittently losing his temper with DD for no good reason...

I called him from work and his voice had that thick sound, like he was talking in slow motion. He said he was "thinking". He sounded very depressed. I asked him how much of his mom's money he had spent at the casino.

"Every penny," he said. "Every single cent."

There are so many emotions going through me right now. I'm angry as all get out. I'm so sad I want to cry. I am thinking maybe this is all hopeless, maybe I'm wasting my time after all. I feel sorry for him, because in retrospect he told me that he should have listened to me. And I'm terrified that he's losing control. I'm scared that things are going to be so much worse by November when he finally gets to see the psychiatrist. Dear Lord. I'm so scared.


Grace. said...


I have absolutely no idea what to say to you, but I do want you to know that you have readers who care about your family and are hoping for the best.

Of all the issues I have dealt with in my children (no husband--I always meant to get me one of those!)bi-polar disorder was not among them.

Are there any support groups for partners/friends of those with BPD in your area? Are you part of any similar listservs?

Anonymous said...

I have no idea what to say to
you. Exsept hang in there, & we are here for you..

Lorna said...

Carol, i'm so sorry. I don't know what to say, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling now :-(


Pann said...

Carol, that is just so hard to bear. And you've been through so much.

"that guy" is clearly back, I hope by the time you read my comments, "that guy" will have faded away again and DH will be more like the guy you married.

The pain of the uncertainty. Oh, I feel for you. Hang in there.

perphila said...

Has DH gone back to taking all his meds? I know if he isn't that could be a reason. If he is then I would wonder about this...how long had he been not taking he meds before and how long did it take for them to begin working in the first place? There would most likely be some kind of adjustment going on in his system from being on meds to going off them then back on. The levels would be off and you guys were just starting the process of figuring out what is going to work in the first place. That is a stress on the body and stuff like this is probably going to happen until he gets back on track again. Knowing that doesn't feel good though right? In your conversation with him you pointed out that this wasn't the first time and he seemed to not remember. That tells you right there things like this that happened in the past and not remembering them are bipolar behavior. You handled yourself well with the situation at hand and you should feel good about that. You are supporting him not taking care of him and that is how it should be. You guys have come a long way don't forget that. You have noticed your own stuggle and need to think yourself more and I think that's great. This has felt like a bad week for you. I just want you to know from and outside perspective I keep seeing steps forward through it all. Sometimes they seem lost when all the bad stuff happens but keep focusing on the good things. Oh, and make yourself a nice cup of tea. Something relaxing..you deserve it.

Tammy said...

Can you contact his psychatrist and explain the current situation to see if you can get an earlier appointment? November seems a long way off for someone who is not stable.

Ann said...

My mother can tell when I get "that sound" in my voice... ahe can even tell if I am having "that voice" through my emails. I find it comforting to know that symptoms I have are across the board... I don't feel so... alone.

I love the way you write, and am so glad I found your blog. Hang in there, you'll make it through.