I think I'm going to be sick.

There is just no end to this bad week. Silly me for thinking that was all there was....

After DH got home last night, he called to tell me that he was home, everything was ok, and DD was in bed. He told me that he was going to have to go back up there to finish the work he had started but not finished, and that his mom had given him gas money (it costs about $130 in gas for him to get there in the truck and I don't have that kind of money). I was relieved, both because I wasn't expected to come up with the cash, and because DH was leaving again. It's kind of funny, I love him so much, but things really run so much smoother when he's not there....

Anyhow, about a half hour later, he called me again. I got a red flag alert right away--he had that sound in his voice--I've called it "triumphant"--like he's just conquered the world. I don't know how else to describe it, it's not the words he uses at all, but his voice changes....anyhow, there's only one thing that particular voice has ever signified: spending.

Hoping I was wrong, and still hoping against hope that he was still at home (but doubting it due to what I had heard in his voice), I asked him "Where are you going?" "Well, I forgot the key to our bedroom at my mom's, so I can't get into the bedroom." "So I thought I'd go to the casino and spend $20 while I wait for you to get home from work. I'm on my way right now." (remember we lock our bedroom door because DD had stolen from us years ago...). BIG RED FLAG BIG. BIG.

And I told him so. I said, "you've got that spending sound in your voice again." "I don't think it's a good idea." "You can't afford to be throwing away money at the casino." "Why don't you go home and just doze on the couch until I get home?"

He said, "It's only $20."

Me: "I'm afraid that won't be the case."

DH: "Well, I can't spend any of that other money, my mom gave me that especially for gas. There's no way I could spend her money like that."

Me: (Thinking about when his mom had given him $1200 for the bankruptcy, and he spent it all, after saying the exact same thing to me when I suggested that I hold on to it) "Are you aware that we've had this exact same conversation before? More than once?"

I didn't want to bring up the $1200 that he had spent, because I figured it would just make him mad and he would feel like I was bringing up "past sins", so I didn't.

DH: "We have?"

DH: "Well, don't worry, I know without a doubt that I am only spending $20."

When I left work at 4am, I called our house, and DH was not there. I was so angry. But then I somehow convinced myself that maybe he had won a bunch of money....and I let it go at that.

Then today, he was intermittently losing his temper with DD for no good reason...

I called him from work and his voice had that thick sound, like he was talking in slow motion. He said he was "thinking". He sounded very depressed. I asked him how much of his mom's money he had spent at the casino.

"Every penny," he said. "Every single cent."

There are so many emotions going through me right now. I'm angry as all get out. I'm so sad I want to cry. I am thinking maybe this is all hopeless, maybe I'm wasting my time after all. I feel sorry for him, because in retrospect he told me that he should have listened to me. And I'm terrified that he's losing control. I'm scared that things are going to be so much worse by November when he finally gets to see the psychiatrist. Dear Lord. I'm so scared.