Sunday, October 12, 2008

I am so fed up

And I don't know what to do about it. I really don't even want to go home from work, but I don't really have a lot of other options. Now he's angry that I "treat him like a child". I want to say, "Well, let's see....you aren't working, you have no self-control, you have tantrums, tell me again why a person would treat you like a child?" But I know I can't.

So I'll say it here, LOL. I really didn't realize how little of the "same old crap" it would take to get me wondering if it's worth it. I thought that maybe if I had a break, you know, a couple of months where he was his "normal self" that I could be better at dealing with the crap. But the opposite seems to be true--each little thing seems to bring this huge swell of anger in me, and I end up surprised. And kind of scared, because I'm usually pretty easy going, this anger is something I'm not used to and something I'm not sure of.

Tonite I was really wishing he'd just up and leave, like so many bipolar spouses do. Then my next thought was, "No, he'd kill himself for sure, then." But right now part of me just wants this all to be over with, so I can get back to a normal life. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow.


perphila said...

You don't want him to leave. Believe me. It doesn't make things any easier only worse. At least for me. I do understand wanting to divorce "that guy". I wish my husbands clone would shrivel up and die. I hate him so much. My husband on the other hand I dearly love. I see him every now and again. I thought him being gone would help. Not being around that behavior as much. When he acts "normal" I very quickly slip back into old patterns and when he goes back to clone mode I get angry and frustrated all over again. I know how you feel. I don't have a shred of advice. All I can say is you are not alone in your feelings.

Ann said...

I can't speak for your husband, but I can speak for myself. My THAT girl has been rapidly coming and going and I don't knoe heads from tails adn I am so lost and confused. I I am tried of this, I am tired of her, I want to badly for it to all go away and for me to find my normal life again. I've been looking for it... and I cannot find it and it breaks my heart because I can see how hard it is on my mom, and she is a wonderful person and I hate doing anything to put her in pain so I try so hard to hide THAT girl from her but i don't do a great job... and she told me the other day tha she can't take it anymore. you are not alone in feeling like you can't take it and want a normal life. do not feel guilty about that, it doesn't make you a mean person, it makes you human.

Anonymous said...

I don't blame you for wanting out. You have a lot of stress in trying to make ends meet and being the only one bringing home a paycheck and then having to put up with a person who acts like a jerk.