Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Busy, busy, busy!!!

Well, today, DH's friend Jim repaired the steps leading to our deck, cleaned the yard, put new rafters and loft floor in DH's shed, and took Molly McMutt outside to play. I got off work at 6am and went from there to WalMart, because a) 6am is a GREAT time to shop at WalMart, and b) WalMart is the cheapest place between work and home for me to buy dog food and fixin's for Thanksgiving dinner. Because I wasn't going to make it home in time to wake DD up for school at 6:50, I called DH and asked him if he would do it for me. "Sure. I'm already up." And he didn't even sound like he minded, which was unusual and very pleasant.

When I got home from WalMart, the first thing I had to do was let out 5 dogs. Two of them have to be on chains (Megan and Frosty) and then Molly can be out wherever...Sarah needs to be watched, because she will chase a car if one goes by...and Kirby is completely deaf and kind of blind, so I have to keep an eye on him too....then I started to unload the car, put everything perishable into the fridge, locked the door and went in to bed. I wasn't surprised that DH was sleeping, he sleeps a LOT. But as I closed the door, he woke up and said "Hi honey," and then he opened his eyes with surprise and told he that he hadn't woken DD up after all, he'd fallen back asleep. ARGH.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised....last year dd was tardy to school seven times because he "fell back asleep", even if I called him two or three times to remind him, to the point where he got mad at me, he'd still fall back asleep. But he hadn't done it yet this year, so I had been thinking that we were making "progress." I know I feel a lot better about things when I am there every morning to make sure things go like they're supposed to, but WalMart is 30 miles away from home, so I don't want to waste the gas going home and back, of course, and the store closest to our house has much higher prices...

I have to give DH credit, though, he did get out of bed and drive dd to school, where in the past I have had to do it...so I guess we still have progress, it'd just be nice if I could really really depend on him.

And now, here it is 3am, I'm at work. DH told me (like he has a zillion times) that he will call me to say "Hi". But I'm pretty sure he won't. That is something I've grieved since the bipolar started--he used to call me all the time to just say Hi and hear how I was doing--whether I was at work, or he was at work, or both...I would always be able to count on hearing his voice. But when the bipolar crept in, the phone calls were some of the first things to go. I still get my hopes up when he says he'll call. I've told him how much I look forward to his calls. But he usually "falls asleep" without calling me.

I know this is the bipolar illness, not my DH's true sentiments. Dave, on his "Blog for Supporters of Loved Ones with Bipolar Disorder", says:

"I find that by making a list of the good
things that happen with your loved one,
not only does it help you get through the
tough times but it also helps you remember
that bipolar disorder is not your loved one.

Remember the thing that you are angry at is
bipolar disorder NOT your loved one. I know that
sounds crazy so to speak and I will probably
get a whole lot of emails from people saying
that I am confusing bipolar disorder with
other disorders like dissociative identity
disorder. I am NOT.

This is just a technique to help you overcome
a very difficult time. Try thinking of your loved
one's bipolar disorder completely separate from
him/her and you will see how much easier your
life becomes."

Sometimes it feels like all I do is complain about DH's behaviors or lack thereof. And it does help to remind myself that I am really complaining about the bipolar illness, not my DH. My DH, in his healthy state, is not like this.
But sometimes it's so hard to keep that all straight.....


Pann said...

Hope you have a great thanksgiving, and I hope your real DH will shine through...


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