Sunday, November 25, 2007

Luxuries...and Carol makes some bad choices

Hi, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

What I did was brought all the food and such over to my mom's apartment and cooked it there, then I went over to the nursing home and wheeled her over for dinner. DH and Jim came too. It was a really nice day. I hope yours was spent with people you care about, too.

The day after Thanksgiving, that was another story. The cell phones got shut off because I hadn't paid the bill. In the grand scheme of my impossible budget, "cell phones" are the last bill that gets paid, and apparently during the last two months that bill did not get paid at all. Ok, I was the one who was supposed to pay that (who else?), but like I said, there is usually only a finite supply of money, and the cell phones were on the short end.

Realistically, in a normal family, cell phones are a huge LUXURY. People did without them for many years and I was one of those. I would not much miss my cell phone, for the most part. But our family isn't normal for a few reasons. The most important one is DH's fragile mental health. If he is suicidal, or otherwise having some kind of crisis, I feel that it is very important for me to be able to get a hold of him, no matter what. In fact, we even have a deal with each other, made in the therapist's office, that if I call DH's cell phone in a crisis, and am unable to reach him for 10 minutes, I am to call the police. I've only come close to doing that once since we've had the agreement, but it sure gives me peace of mind.

Another reason the cell phones are important is that I work 90 miles away from home, and a lot of my drive is rural and desolate. I feel like I am safer when I have a cell phone.

And lastly, DD has some behavior issues. On occasion, her behavior at school has escalated to her being out of control, and the school has called for advice.

Now granted, I think that for the most part, if we really had to, we could all live without the cell phones. It's not like we really use them all that much. I'm not a tech junkie or anything--the cell phones we have were bought "used" and are probably considered "obsolete" by any cell phone provider, but they do what we need them to do. So anyhow, I held off on paying the cell phone bill and the cell phones got shut off. My fault totally.

But it did really bother me, not having them, so I decided to do something that ultimately makes matters worse (I've been mentally kicking myself for this, but there's no paycheck in sight that could've paid the bill): I dug out a credit card that I hadn't used for over 2 years and used it to pay the bill. In the process of "digging out" the card, though, I made the mistake of telling DH what I was looking for, and that I couldn't remember where I had put the card. He said something like "If I find the card, will you take us out to eat?" and I was feeling kind of desperate, so I said "sure". So he told me where to look for the card and he was right.

So we (DH, Jim, and I) went out to eat. On the way back, DH asked me if there was any way I could "top off' his gas tank on his car, and buy him some cigarettes. I asked him how empty his tank was, and he said he had almost 3/4 of a tank, which meant that "topping it off" would probably cost about $10.00.
So we went to the gas station. I was going to buy DH and Jim each a pack of cigs. Then DH ordered a CARTON for each of them, and grabbed 2 12-packs of pop for each of them and said, in front of the checkout people, "You don't mind, do you?" The total, when it was all said and done? $137.00. At a convenience store!!!! And of course I did mind. Very much. I made up my mind then and there that I would do it for him this time, but never ever again. I was so angry. I said something to him like "You are really high-maintenance, you know that?" and that upset him. He got that cold sound in his voice and told me to "never talk to him like that again, it embarrassed him."

I determined, but didn't share with him, that based on the fact that I married him forever, it's probably fair for me to be expected to keep a roof over his head, make sure he has some food, and make sure there is some kind of heat. Beyond that, not my problem, right???? Beyond that, it's all luxuries. I am aware that there is a possibility that he could steal from me again, in an effort to have his "needs" met, but you know, sometimes I just wish he would decide I'm that "bully" that he always says I am, and that he no longer wants to live with me.....fat chance, I know, but that's how I feel pretty often....not very Christian of me, and certainly not very wifely either....


Pann said...

I don't blame you for feeling angry.
I would be too! Very!