Monday, November 26, 2007

Well, I found out

And he's right, I'm not happy.

Remember that five bucks I wouldn't give him?

Well, apparently he "needed" pop so bad, he pawned his brother's deer rifle.

And then he blamed me. "You've been getting so mad when I ask you for money, I just wanted to be able to buy my own pop for once." "And I was almost out of gas too." I have absolutely no idea where all that gas went that I bought three days ago went. I don't go through that much gas on all my commuting, even allowing that his car doesn't get as good of mileage as mine. I really wonder what on earth he did with all that gas.

But his brother's gun???? Isn't that stealing??? Again???? I didn't point that out to him, but I thought it, loud and clear.

I asked him how on earth he was going to get it back. First he said his brother wouldn't notice, then he said that Jim was going to give him money when he gets his taxes back (which is going to be three months from now, or somewhere along those lines....)

Then I tried to gently explain to DH that he "needs" a lot of things that most people can live without. Of course everything I said, he had an excuse for, and I am a big meanie. Because I am the one who gets so mad. I really really really wanted to say "maybe you should ask Jim about these differing points of view", but I knew it would be unfair to get Jim involved. Jim has never said anything directly to me about DH's spending, but sometimes when DH asks for money for stupid stuff, Jim catches my eye and I know he sees it for what it is....

Then in this sobby voice, DH says "I'm trying to look for a job..." and I had to bite my tongue in order to not say, "all you had to do was call the casino lady. You turned that down. And you haven't exactly been pounding the pavement, either." In the last two weeks he has applied for exactly three jobs. One of them he for sure didn't get. One was the casino job that he didn't want. And one was supposed to call him today to let him know, but they didn't call back. He was so sure that he had that one, that he had already spent his entire first paycheck in his mind. And that's the extent of the job search. I didn't say anything, because I am sure that in his mind, he has been working super-hard to find a job and I'm just not being understanding enough.

So ultimately, DH is suicidal again, because I am mad about the spending, and I am mean and selfish.

I made him promise not to hurt himself. He really didn't want to promise that, but he did. I will call back in about 15 minutes for an update. (just to ease my mind).

I am finding, that I am falling into his guilt trip thing a lot less than I used to. My expectations are reasonable, I am pretty sure. If you are reading this, and you think I am not being reasonable, please comment or email me, because maybe I haven't considered everything, or maybe I'm being more selfish than I realize....but I don't think I am.


Pann said...

Nope, you're NOT being at all selfish.

It sounds like your husband's medication isn't working that well... to become suicidal over this. It makes me wonder if there's a different or better medication that could help him.

hang in there....

Carol said...

Thanks. This kind of thing used to happen all the time, so I do think you're right about the meds. I am going to call his psych person and leave a message about what's been happening, because sometimes I don't know if DH remembers everything or is honest about it...lets cross our fingers!!!