Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A "counting my blessings" post

I was reading through my recent posts and I have been doing a lot of whining and a lot of "poor me". But I know that I have it good compared to many, and even though I sometimes feel like there is nothing to be happy about, well, I'm wrong. So this post is going to remind me that even when things get yucky, I still have things that many people would be grateful for.

1) I have my mom. I have learned so much from her, especially as she ages. I hope I can be as graceful as I get older. I love her so much. I am lucky, so very lucky, to still have her in my life.

2) I have my DH. Now for those of you who have read mostly of the problems that I have had while dealing with his illness, it might be surprising to hear that I am so incredibly grateful to have him in my life. But before the bipolar really took hold, I could not imagine a more perfect mate for me. He's kind, gentle, considerate, intelligent, creative, I could go on and on. And even though the bipolar gets me down, and I get angry and sad, my DH is still the same guy (unless he's "That Guy", of course). Even though on a lot of days all he wants to do is lay in bed and watch TV, I have someone to go home to. I have someone who is very special. And I know that a huge number of people would willingly go through the bipolar stuff, if they could have the 5 years of amazing, breathtaking love that we had before that. Not only that, but I can dream of the day when his meds are right, his therapy is right, and I get him back. All back. Of course, it may never happen. But I know there are a lot of widows out there who would love that chance to hope once more.

3) I have DD. I'm so proud of the young woman she is becoming. I know she still has many issues, and some of her actions are so upsetting to me. But she tries so hard, and really has a good heart, and even though she is a teenager now, she still wants to be like me, and I just want to teach her so much!!! I am very lucky to have seen an "incorrigible" child who could barely read or write, change into a "good student", a "reader", a child who has absolutely blossomed, to the amazement of all who knew her before...with love and attention.

4) Our house. We have a small house. Too small by almost any standard. Its run-down and not pretty by any means. But we have 15 acres of land too. And we are living a "lifestyle" that most people in the cities aren't able or aren't willing to live until retirement.

5) The animals. I love every one of our animals, from the chickens to the dogs, cats, goldfish....they bring me so much joy and laughter and they ask for so little.

6) The jobs I have. I have two jobs. Some people aren't even fortunate enough to have one. One job pays pretty good, and the other one, well, it's pretty easy and pays well for what I do.

7) My zest for learning. If I wasn't so eager to learn, I never would have learned how to live on so little. I was never taught how to be frugal. I was taught to live within my means, but I never learned any tricks as to how to do that easily. I'm still learning and I will til the day I die.

8) And I'm grateful for the troubles I've been through. And for the mistakes I've made. I know that sounds weird, but I would be so naive if I hadn't been forced not to be....I have wisdom that I never would have if I hadn't struggled....I can teach DD how to be a better manager of her money because of the mistakes I've made. I could make a salad out of things that grow in our yard, if I had to. I know the value of a good laying hen. So many things that I never would have learned if I hadn't had to. So I need to keep reminding myself that the "bad things" don't necessarily happen "to punish me or DH" or because we have "bad luck" or whatever, but more likely, to teach me things that I never would have learned otherwise. Even though I'm married to DH, I've never been as independent as I have been since he became ill. And that's something I never would have learned without the bipolar. So even the bad stuff is all about learning, and I need to hang on to that perspective!


Pann said...

Carol, that was a beautiful post!

Adversity really does teach us, doesn't it?

thanks for sharing....