Sunday, November 18, 2007

"That Guy" came over today :-(

Well, I've kind of skipped over a few events lately, I'll try to catch you up so you aren't stuck asking questions because I assumed you were all mind readers.....

Thursday was "free food" day, and I was able to convince DH to go with me and there was a LOT of food. Plus they gave away shampoo and cold medicine too. It will all really help a lot, and I think DH was rather impressed. Plus, I thought, it was a good way for him to help "provide" without spending money.

On Saturday, we were supposed to go to Spenders Anonymous, but DH wouldn't get out of bed. No matter how I tried. I was so angry!!! Just the night before, he had been talking about how much he thought it would help him and all that....but when it came right down to going, he just couldn't. I tried to be understanding.

Then we had a talk about how the organization that finds mentally ill people a job had found him a job at our local casino, doing janitorial work. And the benefits were going to be amazing. Way better than we've got through my work. The lady had said all he had to do was call her up and he would be hired. But he won't call her up because he doesn't want anyone to recognize him doing that kind of work. This is the bipolar logic again, because I just can't believe that DH, when in his right mind, would choose not to have a job, for fear of "being seen", but still I'm stretching every little penny, working 2 jobs and so on....anyhow, so he still isn't working and doesn't want a job where someone might see him.

Then last night, we went to a Keith Urban concert. I like Keith Urban, but there was no way I could have afforded tickets to go see him, but my friend at work had won a couple of them and she had already bought tickets, so we got free tickets to the concert. DH was complaining before we left about how he didn't have any cigs or chew or pop or gas for his car (we were driving my car to the concert) and could I please buy him some chew? So we got to the concert and paid for parking and I gave him all the money I had left, $9. Enought for chew AND generic cigs too.

So we got into the arena for the concert, and DH realized he needed a pill to calm down. I started looking for a drinking fountain for him, and he took off before I found one, and he came back with a regular 20 oz bottle of Coke. HE SPENT $4 ON A LITTLE BOTTLE OF COKE. I took a deep breath and just let it go, because I had given him the money, it was his to do whatever with. So we saw the concert and then headed home. Regarding what happened after the concert, well, that's another post, probably a long one.

Anyhow, today (mind you it is only the day after I gave him the $9), he told me that he has no money for cigs, no money for chew, no money for pop, and no gas. I told him that I gave him everything I had yesterday. He got all offended like, because "he wasn't asking for money". Then he decided that he was going to sell his $1300 gun at the pawn shop so that he could get money for cigs. That really bothered me, not because I like the gun or anything, if anything, I'd like it to be gone. But he might get a couple of hundred dollars at the pawn shop on a really good day. And with deer season over with, there probably won't be a really good day for quite a while. And with him not working and not wanting to work, I am not going to be able to help him get that gun back, and he is probably not going to have the money to get it back either. Anyhow, I tried to point out that the gun is too valuable to get rid of for some cigs and he got all mad because I'm wrong.

What I really wanted to say was "You need to cut down on your vices." "you need to smoke cheaper cigs and not gripe about it" "Maybe when someone gives you money, you should carefully consider what your needs are before you go and spend half of it on a bottle of pop." "Especially when water is free." But of course I didn't.

Jim was there too, and I could tell from the expression on his face that he was thinking the same things, but he didn't say anything either.

Anyhow, so DH was mad about not having his "needs" met, and DD didn't put her clean laundry away fast enough and DH cursed at her and made her cry. Then DH got even more angry and came out in the living room and told me he was going to go for a ride in his car (yes, the one that doesn't have any gas). I recommended that he take a Lorazepam to calm down and he told me he'd take it after the drive. So he stormed out of the house, and got in the car and drove off. He must've realized he was out of gas, though, because he came home almost right away and sat in the driveway sulking.

So then I was making supper. We had gotten some restaurant quality Alfredo sauce from the free food thing, so I was making fettuccine alfredo. He asked me what we were going to have for meat. I said there would be enough to fill us up without meat and he got upset at that and wanted me to use some chicken breasts. I told him that if we saved the chicken breasts, then we'd have another filling meal at a different time. He wasn't satisfied, of course. Then he asked what we were having with the fettuccine and I told him I was going to make a little salad. He didn't want that either and started making me feel like I don't love him because I'm not making a Caesar salad instead. So because I knew he was already really unreasonable, I made the stupid salad that he wanted, then when it came time to eat, he wasn't happy because I hadn't made enough salad. (Never mind the fact that there were lots of other foods on the table).

Then before I left for work he came out to the kitchen and told me he had taken a Lorazepam, and he felt better. And that he was sorry. I'm still kind of angry. I didn't get married to be treated like this!!! I just hate days like this, there's just no way you can argue with someone who's mentally ill, things that make sense to me don't make sense to him, and things that make sense to him are not very sensible. Is my frustration showing?


Pann said...

Oh honey... there is so much you are going through.

I'm feeling pretty crappy today, but hearing what you've been going through is giving me a little more courage to carry on.

I bet your fettucine was really delicious.

Also... maybe it's for the best that he doesn't work in a casino. I mean, the temptation to spend money on gambling? He doesn't need another vice, right?

Maybe the agency can offer him something else...

Helpmeet @ Home said...

Wow... Are we married to the same man? I can so relate to the things you wrote about, and totally understand your frustration. I've found that grinning and bearing it works best for days like this... I usually leave my husband to sit and watch tv and not bother him at all these days and try to keep the kids out of his hair. I hate those days....