Monday, June 21, 2010

Red Flags

During all of this, with DD's crisis, and my mom's descent, I haven't said much about DH. A lot of times, I really so much want him to be "normal"--the guy he was when I met him, or who I thought he was(?) (that's a whole different post, but I'll save it for a different time).

And now that he's bringing home a paycheck, I can pretend. I can even let myself imagine that I can depend on this income--with DH working, it becomes less important for me to find higher-paying employment, and it gives me a little more security, in that when I need to take time to spend time with my mom, or deal with things involving her, and I'm not really looking too hard for a job, I don't feel as bad as I could.

But I know things are far from normal still. Basically, on work days, all he does is work and sleep. It's a whole lot better than the just sleeping (that he was doing before he got the job), but there truly is absolutely nothing else. Even on his days off, most of the time he's sleeping.

He's still "funny" about workplace situations--they had started to cross train him to fill in in another department, then they decided to have a guy who had been out having surgery do the filling in instead. Even though DH asked his boss if he had done something wrong, and had been assured that he had not, he "felt like a worthless piece of ****". And he's been talking about calling in to work. About how he doesn't want to go in. And the saddest part of all that is that it's the same sorts of things that happened at his last job, right before things really fell apart. He had started calling in on Mondays and Fridays, saying he "didn't feel good". And DH confessed to me that "That Guy" has come out to customers lately, too--he's found himself being rude to customers over little things.

But that's not all. One night, when DH was off work, and he wasn't sleeping, we decided to go to a local casino for a pizza (they have such good pizza, with real sausage!). It wound up being pretty fun, because I had a little "extra" money, so we each had $20 to gamble with. My $20 lasted well over an hour before it was gone--it was fun. But DH....he actually won $300!!! And he gave me half of it, which was really nice of him. But the red flag came the next night.

It was Friday--the day I give him his "fun money" (because his paycheck gets deposited into my bank account, and then I give him $50 a week for spending money. That's way more than I've had for spending money in years, but I don't want him to feel "ripped off") My mom had had a bad day, and I was mildly down. I was reading a book, and DH asked me what I wanted to do that night. I told him we couldn't go out every night, and that I'd just make us something to eat and maybe clean the house up a little. He suggested we go back to the casino. I said no. He did the "Aw, c'mon, last night was so much fun!". And yes, it was fun. But no, I did not think we should go back there. He asked me if I would get mad if he went back without me. I didn't want a hassle, so I said no. He asked me if I had any money, and I gave him $20 of the money he had given me the night before. Then he took the rest of his winnings, plus his "fun money" and left. On his way out, I reminded him that there was no more money when that was gone. He said "I know"...About 1am he came back and told me he should've listened to me. He told me how stupid he'd been....and--oh yeah, he lost all the money. It took every ounce of jaw power to bite my tongue, refrain from saying "I told you so"....but I just told him to "learn from it" and I didn't make a big deal out of it--I could tell he already felt bad.

The next day, he had to go to work and he didn't have any "going out to eat money". I told him too bad. He said he knew, that I had told him right there that there was no more coming.....then I felt kind of bad for him, so I gave him $5 and told him to ration it. He said he would. But he hasn't rationed anything. Not his pop, not his money, nothing. And all week he's been asking/telling me to "take some money out of the cash machine" for him. And I keep saying no. And getting madder, because I didn't cause this, and I held up my side of the agreement and then some. I keep reminding him that we have food at home. But it's not what he wants. Too bad for him, I guess. But underneath it, I'm afraid that if I keep saying no to him, when he's not at the top of his game, "That Guy" will come out and get really angry with me and I'll be hurt and scared and feel like a jerk and end up giving in.

So when I read all this, I am crystal clear on the fact that the same problems are still there....just hidden by his paycheck. I'm afraid, although I want to believe otherwise, that it's really still only a matter of time before he's unemployed again, and I'm back to working my tail off to keep heads above water. The only thing that'll be different this time is that he has a lot less access to credit now, so the damage won't be so severe. I'm working very hard to get all caught up (using the benefits of his paycheck) so that when things do hit the fan, it won't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time.


rockygrace said...

Oh, for Pete's sake - he's not a man, he's a child.

Gosh, I hate to be rude, but I just have to ask - WHY are you still with this person? I'm assuming there must be something, because otherwise, he's just a drain.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you see the red flags, painful as they are. I've followed your blog for a long time and I'm impressed by how you've been able to keep your head above water when everyone around you is going crazy.
I've said it before: your DH is addicted to gambling and spending. I don't care if the pizza at the casino is the most delectable food this side of heaven, you should stay away from there. It's tempting fate to be around gambling and now it looks like the cycle is starting again. Before long your DH will be stealing from you again, calling in sick at work and making up fake injuries so he can get pain pills.
How many times do you have to go through the inevitable heartbreak before you leave him and seek a stable life with a man instead of a little boy?
You've given up so much: a baby of your own, financial security, all the little things that make you happy and for what?
The chances that your DH will be the man you THOUGHT you married (that speaks volumes, doesn't it?) are slim to none. You deserve better than the way you're living now, walking on eggshells, never knowing when your DH will go to pieces again.
You really should kick his gambling, lying, spending, stealing tattooed ass to the curb,

perphila said...


Some things you said just hit me in the gut. Sean was was saying the same things about his work and Connor about school. "I don't feel good." etc., then sleep, sleep, sleep.

Sean also had a gambling issue. When we lived out west casino's were easy access. One time I remember him winning $250 from $10 bucks and I told him to walk away. He didn't listen and lost it all. He was upset about for YEARS. Luckily there is nothing like that where we live for the moment so he wasn't tempted to keep going down that road. I can look back and see it for the trigger it is. If you catch a moment with a "stable" DH or even with his pdoc put the casino on his list of triggers.

It's easy to get comfortable and not see the signs and want to relax. I did that with Connor for sure and he missed more days from school that he should have before I was able to get him back in therapy. I felt like an idiot to not have seen it sooner but then I tried to find the positives. I reacted sooner than before. I am seeing a pattern this time. I am more alert.

Things are better with Dh than they were before but he is going to need constant help in different degrees for the rest of his life. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Only you can decide on what you can handle or even want to handle.

Remember no means no and don't give an inch or he'll take a mile. No extra $5 next time. Being firm is very hard. You have come a long way and will get better and better...:)

Anonymous said...

rockygrace, she stays with this man because she loves him...for better or worse, through sickness and in health. There was a time when her dh was in his right mind and didn't have these problems. THAT is the man she married, and she made an oath to be with him even in the times when he is 'sick'. It is easy to sit on the sidelines and tell someone else what to do, but unless you have walked in their shoes, the best thing you can do is encourage someone who is in her position. Love you Carol...you are in my prayers for strength to help you bear even this.

俊賢 said...