Red Flags

During all of this, with DD's crisis, and my mom's descent, I haven't said much about DH. A lot of times, I really so much want him to be "normal"--the guy he was when I met him, or who I thought he was(?) (that's a whole different post, but I'll save it for a different time).

And now that he's bringing home a paycheck, I can pretend. I can even let myself imagine that I can depend on this income--with DH working, it becomes less important for me to find higher-paying employment, and it gives me a little more security, in that when I need to take time to spend time with my mom, or deal with things involving her, and I'm not really looking too hard for a job, I don't feel as bad as I could.

But I know things are far from normal still. Basically, on work days, all he does is work and sleep. It's a whole lot better than the just sleeping (that he was doing before he got the job), but there truly is absolutely nothing else. Even on his days off, most of the time he's sleeping.

He's still "funny" about workplace situations--they had started to cross train him to fill in in another department, then they decided to have a guy who had been out having surgery do the filling in instead. Even though DH asked his boss if he had done something wrong, and had been assured that he had not, he "felt like a worthless piece of ****". And he's been talking about calling in to work. About how he doesn't want to go in. And the saddest part of all that is that it's the same sorts of things that happened at his last job, right before things really fell apart. He had started calling in on Mondays and Fridays, saying he "didn't feel good". And DH confessed to me that "That Guy" has come out to customers lately, too--he's found himself being rude to customers over little things.

But that's not all. One night, when DH was off work, and he wasn't sleeping, we decided to go to a local casino for a pizza (they have such good pizza, with real sausage!). It wound up being pretty fun, because I had a little "extra" money, so we each had $20 to gamble with. My $20 lasted well over an hour before it was gone--it was fun. But DH....he actually won $300!!! And he gave me half of it, which was really nice of him. But the red flag came the next night.

It was Friday--the day I give him his "fun money" (because his paycheck gets deposited into my bank account, and then I give him $50 a week for spending money. That's way more than I've had for spending money in years, but I don't want him to feel "ripped off") My mom had had a bad day, and I was mildly down. I was reading a book, and DH asked me what I wanted to do that night. I told him we couldn't go out every night, and that I'd just make us something to eat and maybe clean the house up a little. He suggested we go back to the casino. I said no. He did the "Aw, c'mon, last night was so much fun!". And yes, it was fun. But no, I did not think we should go back there. He asked me if I would get mad if he went back without me. I didn't want a hassle, so I said no. He asked me if I had any money, and I gave him $20 of the money he had given me the night before. Then he took the rest of his winnings, plus his "fun money" and left. On his way out, I reminded him that there was no more money when that was gone. He said "I know"...About 1am he came back and told me he should've listened to me. He told me how stupid he'd been....and--oh yeah, he lost all the money. It took every ounce of jaw power to bite my tongue, refrain from saying "I told you so"....but I just told him to "learn from it" and I didn't make a big deal out of it--I could tell he already felt bad.

The next day, he had to go to work and he didn't have any "going out to eat money". I told him too bad. He said he knew, that I had told him right there that there was no more coming.....then I felt kind of bad for him, so I gave him $5 and told him to ration it. He said he would. But he hasn't rationed anything. Not his pop, not his money, nothing. And all week he's been asking/telling me to "take some money out of the cash machine" for him. And I keep saying no. And getting madder, because I didn't cause this, and I held up my side of the agreement and then some. I keep reminding him that we have food at home. But it's not what he wants. Too bad for him, I guess. But underneath it, I'm afraid that if I keep saying no to him, when he's not at the top of his game, "That Guy" will come out and get really angry with me and I'll be hurt and scared and feel like a jerk and end up giving in.

So when I read all this, I am crystal clear on the fact that the same problems are still there....just hidden by his paycheck. I'm afraid, although I want to believe otherwise, that it's really still only a matter of time before he's unemployed again, and I'm back to working my tail off to keep heads above water. The only thing that'll be different this time is that he has a lot less access to credit now, so the damage won't be so severe. I'm working very hard to get all caught up (using the benefits of his paycheck) so that when things do hit the fan, it won't hurt nearly as bad as it did the first time.