Friday, October 5, 2007

Confused and Frustrated

That ought to be the title of about every other post on this blog!
The last three days have been "good" days, and since DH's Seroquel dose was upped, and they added Lamictal into the mix, I thought that maybe the good days were the result of the new/additional meds. So, once again, I started to think we were going to get back to normal. But apparently they were just as much of a "fluke" as usual.

From what I understand, some bill collector called (they call all the time these days) regarding a check that he wrote over the summer that bounced and apparently (surprise) hadn't been taken care of. Some other collector had called for the same reason (albeit a different check) last week, too. Anyhow, both of these collectors said that if he didn't cough up the money, that they were turning it over to their attorney(s). He asked what that meant, and was told that a warrant would be put out for his arrest. He hasn't worked since August, so basically the only way he can get these checks taken care of is by me neglecting some other bill so that I can pay off his bad checks. Which I have already done several times this year, but have been told by his therapist not to do any more--he made the mess, he has to deal with it.

It's hard for me to watch him be so upset and so worried, I really am fighting back my urge to help him, although all the other times I've paid off checks for him hasn't convinced him to stop writing them, so maybe he really does need "tough love". I don't know. All I know is that he's really down today, and he's insinuated that if our positions were reversed, he would pay my checks...and that makes me feel mean and guilty....but I've paid checks, I've paid bills, I'm on the line for loans that I never signed for....(remember back in the beginning when I told you to make note of that loan that we got for the well? Well, apparently in my "happy marriage" naivete, I apparently signed an "open-ended" loan agreement, which basically said that either of us could take out a loan without the other. I KNEW he would never abuse my trust...anyhow, earlier this year he moved his 4-wheeler loan and his truck loan (totalling about $13,000) from a different bank to that bank, with neither of us realizing that by him doing that, it made me jointly responsible for those loans)...anyhow, I am sick to death of paying things that he messed up, but I also don't want to see him feeling bad.

What if his current depression is only related to those bills he incurred when he was "not in his right mind" and maybe by not paying them, I'm making things worse? On the other hand, how many times have I paid things and things just kept going full speed ahead? (debt-wise)....and what do I do if he goes to jail? Do I bail him out, or is that enabling too? I never in a zillion years imagined that I would have to wrestle with these types of thoughts.

Anyhow, on to tonite. I'm at work. Every time I called him to see how he was doing, he sounded really really down. I had to remind him four different times to go and close the door on the chicken house. (That's basically the only 'chore' that I expect him to do while I'm at work). And when I called him for time #5, he didn't answer the phone. When I finally got him on the line (after 20 minutes), I asked him if everything was ok, and he said he had to "cool down" before he talked about it. Talk to you later, bye. And I haven't heard from him since. So that leaves me so open-ended--wondering what on earth is going on and I'm afraid to call him and upset him more.