Thursday, October 4, 2007

Bad days and "good" ones too

One of the most difficult things for me has been handling the "good" days. That might sound weird, but here's what I mean:

There are so many "bad" days, where DH's logic doesn't make sense, where he gets upset when I question how he got $20 to go out to eat when he isn't working and I didn't give it to him, days where he decides that he has put me through too much and he is going to end it all....it really seems like there is always some kind of drama going on with us and I hate it. I'm not a dramatic person, but I do tend to worry. I hate the bad days. I never know what the right thing to do is.
If this was just a normal marriage where the husband was doing all this, I wouldn't have a problem just saying, "enough!" But it's not like that.

But as I was saying, the worst part is actually the "good" days. The days where he realizes that the spending is out of control, the days when he does something "manly" around the house like he used to do--cut the grass, fix the faucet, etc. He starts talking to me like the "old" husband, he starts acting like the "old" husband, he starts planning on what he is going to do to get the money problems taken care of, and I start thinking "ok! now things are getting better, we are going to be ok!" And then the next day, it's gone again and my hopes are dashed once more. That's what's so hard. He's here, then he's gone. And I've known him as "normal" for a lot longer than I've known him as "mentally ill", so I keep thinking that things will eventually go back to "normal". And the letdowns don't get any easier, no matter what I tell myself.