Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Bipolar deer hunting

We live in a rural area, in the "north woods". The unspoken culture of our area is "All real men go deer hunting. People who don't hunt aren't real men." Basically if you are a male over the age of 12 and have to functioning legs, you are expected to hunt.

The problem I have been having is this: Deer season starts in early November. In March, I took DH's guns away because he was suicidal. Now he wants them back for hunting season. I am damned if I do, damned if I don't, because he is still not mentally stable, although I don't THINK he's suicidal, I'm not absolutely positive about that. But for me to refuse to allow him to have his guns or go hunting or whatever, that is tantamount to me taking away a claim to his manhood and while I don't have a problem with that, he is getting very angry about the possibility. I don't know what to do. I go back and forth. On the good days, I am absolutely positive that it would be fine for him to be hunting, and on the not-so-good days, I'm scared to death of the prospect. It's a horrible place to be in.

And I hate being the "grownup" in our relationship. I hate making the decisions because he doesn't make good ones. Today I'm just tired of worrying about all of it. It's times like this that I just get sick and tired of being married and wish he would just go somewhere else. I know I'll probably get over that, but right now, that's how I feel.