Wish I had the answers....

Well, today I got up to go to work and realized the house is/was a pigsty. I didn't have time to do much, I just looked at the huge piles of laundry, the dishes piled up in the sink, the garbage about to spill over onto the floor, and sighed.

Being down about the whole situation sure doesn't make me more ambitious, of course.

But then, I called the house to remind DH to call in a refill on one of his meds, and there was no answer. So I called his cell phone and asked him where he was. "Oh, WE're on our way to the library."

Me: Oh, you and DD?

DH: Yes, I'm going to go find a job.

Me: (to myself) Yup.

Me: (out loud) Oh, GREAT!!!

Me: So where's Brenda? (That's DD's PCA, the one who's supposed to be there after school to help make sure that DD does her homework, etc.)

DH: Oh. I told her not to come today.


There are a thousand things I can think of regarding this. Clearly, DD is not doing her homework. Clearly, DH simply did not feel like loading the dishwasher, etc., to make the house relatively presentable. Clearly, he's not going to find a job. He's going to go there, look on line, decide "there's nothing out there" and go home. Clearly, cancelling the PCA should have been a joint decision. It always has been before. Why suddenly he feels like it is ok to just cancel her without hearing my thoughts on the matter, I don't know, I suppose it goes along with why he felt like whatever he spent that $160 on was so much more important than any bill I could pay with it, like car insurance.....

Today I'm fantasizing that DH finds me too difficult to live with and goes to stay with his mom for a few weeks. I know that won't happen, but I feel so good when I think about it....

Not the best thing.

Me: uhhh....hullo?

It's my mother in law.

MIL: Oh, hi, sweetie, I didn't know you'd be sleeping...

Me: Oh, that's ok.

MIL: Say, we're coming up tomorrow, do you think you'd have any time to maybe go out to lunch or something?

Me: Oh, sure! We could go out to lunch...!

MIL: Ok, then, great! How are you doing?

Me: Oh, I'm fine, things are calming down...(she knows that things have bee tough with my mom...)

MIL: Say, you know, I gave DH $160 for his car insurance to give you, did he give that to you?

Me: Um, uh, hang on a second....oh, jeez, dropped the phone....

MIL: Well, he gave that to you, right? It's for the car insurance.

Me: Um...I guess you should talk to DH about that. (By far not my quickest response, or smartest, but I truthfully don't have any idea where we'd get another $160.00 now that he's spent it all...

MIL: HE DIDN'T GIVE THAT TO YOU???? DID HE SPEND THAT????

Me: I don't know, you should probably talk to him.

(DH still won't tell me what he spent the money on, just that he doesn't have any of it left and that he had, according to him, "a giant mood swing")

MIL: I CAN'T BELIEVE HE SPENT THAT MONEY, DID HE SPEND ALL THAT MONEY?

Me: I'm not sure.


I really did not know what to say. I'm very angry that he spent that money, when his mom gave it to us to help us out. I'm very angry that he won't tell her the truth. But it's really not my place to tell her, either. I didn't want to lie to her. I really didn't know how to handle it.

I know she's going to ask me about it again tomorrow. I don't know what to say. I wish I felt comfortable telling her, "Look. Any cash that he has in his hands, including the cash that you gave him to give to me to buy nylons and strapless bra for DD's formal dance, it all gets spent. Every cent. Unless you put it in my hand, I'm not going to see it. That's just how it is these days."

But it's her son I'm talking about. And blood is thicker than water, of course. And of course, not only is that going to make waves with DH and his mom, but also waves between DH and me....just not my place. But I wish it was. I hope some day she'll see the light without my help. But you know, after you've known a person to be responsible for so long, it's very hard to come to the realization that they aren't any more....

Responding to a comment or two...

I just wanted to respond to a couple of comments here on the blog, because I'm never sure if people check back to see if I respond in the "comments" section....

First, can I sell the truck or the 4-wheeler? Not yet. The 4-wheeler was bought brand new, off the showroom floor, it has undoubtedly depreciated since then. I believe that if I could find a willing buyer in this economy, it might sell for a little less than is owed on it, I would probably have to come up with a thousand dollars or so. And the truck, I call it the truck payment, but what it is, is when DH was doing most of his spending, he maxed out his overdraft line of credit for one of his checking accounts, so the credit union offered to "lend him the money to clear that up" by using his already paid off truck as collateral. It was very sad, the overdraft/truck loan was actually about twice what the blue book value was on the truck at the time, because DH and I both had very good credit (this was before he completely stopped paying for anything). Then, when he bounced all those checks on his credit union account (which didn't have overdraft protection) and when the credit union closed his checking account, they "tacked on" the balance of the bounced checks, plus fees, onto the "truck" loan.

So, if all that was rather confusing, basically, I/we owe quite a bit more on the truck than it is worth. Lately I've even been asking myself if maybe it wouldn't just be better to let them go back to the credit union, but then I think I'd still end up being responsible for the difference between what the credit union got for them and what is owed. So I guess right now, I'm kind of stuck. I frequently fantasize about going in to the credit union and telling them what is going on, and seeing if maybe they could make an adjustment, but so far the thought of them saying "no" holds me back from actually doing that.

And the disability. DH believes that he is "fine". I can clearly see that that isn't the case, but he doesn't see that. So he did talk to Family Services about how to find someone to help him get on disability, and they told him he should probably sign up with a case worker. And he didn't want to do that, because, I think, it would be like admitting that he's mentally ill. So he "decided" that he'd just get a job instead. Then he sat around waiting for a job to show up. Sigh.

And to the person who asked "Is there any way you can make a deal with him to groom the dog and pay him $20 or so?"....well, what usually happens when I do that is, DH likes the idea and I feel like I'm getting something for my money besides just flushing it down the toilet....then....after the excitement wears off, DH doesn't get around to it, then he runs out of cigs, or pop, then I become the "bad guy", because I won't help him out RIGHT NOW. And I "should know that he'll do it as soon as he can have another smoke". Then nothing happens. Then, I end up feeling like I got ripped off and it makes me more angry. So yes, I think it's a great idea. But it seems like it doesn't often work like I'd hope.

Oh--and I am still feeling discouraged. Today when I was driving home from work at 6:45am, I called DH to make sure he got DD on the bus. I asked him if he was wide awake, I asked him if he needed me to call him back...."No, I'm up. I'm going to go have a cigarette and some coffee." So when I got home at 7:45am, DD greets me at the door. No, of course DH didn't wake her up. So then I have to give her a ride to school. Made me even more angry. It seems like it's all up to me. And there are three people (DH, DD and Mom) who need me to take care of EVERYTHING. And even when DH says he can do something, he will do something, it doesn't happen. Today I think that if I had any money, I would've went on a mini-vacation, somewhere where I could "get away from it all" for a few days. But the farthest I can go on the money I have is the couch. I guess I should count my blessings because at least Jim isn't sleeping on the couch any more....

Discouraged

Some days I just get so discouraged. Today's one of those, I guess. I feel like I just can't do it, no matter how hard I try.

I look at the yard, there's all sorts of pop cans and cigarette butts that DH threw there, because he was too lazy to take two steps to the garbage can. There's a whole winter's worth of "doggie presents" from 6 doggies. The roof is beyond any redemption, and the chicken house still hasn't been repaired since last year when the tree fell on it. (The chickens still go in and out, but we can't open the door(s). And I won't even get started on the repairs the inside needs. Even if I could do all of this, I just don't have time. And DD can sometimes be convinced, but she doesn't do a very good job most of the time, as far as cleaning up the yard...and there's no way she can fix the chicken house or the roof. Or clean the gutters. Or put on a new door.

And then there's the bills. They're still coming in. Remember that "job" that DH had last year for those apartments? (link here) Well, he signed up to get liability insurance for that job, and when the job didn't pan out, he didn't pay the insurance. So today a bill collector called about that.

And I got a "second notice" for back when he was in the hospital in his mom's town (link here) $316.00. And his mom sent him home with $160.00 that he was supposed to give me to pay for the car insurance on the car that she gave him. I haven't seen a dime of it. (I won't be insuring that car, though, unless a whole bunch of dimes crop up...) And I know the cell phone bill is coming due. How I'd LOVE to drop those cell phones....but I'm afraid to, because a) I work so far from home that there are regular 2-hour gaps in the time when I am reachable by land line, and with DD, DH and my mom all prone to emergencies, that doesn't seem like a wise way to go... and b) when DH was suicidal, the cell phone (his AND mine) was a way to keep closer tabs on him. In fact his therapist had even suggested that if 20 minutes go by and I am unable to reach DH by cell phone or otherwise, that I am to call 911. So I keep trying to scrape up money to pay for the darn cell phones. But I know I really can't afford them at all, and they're always the last bill I pay, because of that.

And I'm looking at those loans for the 4-wheeler and the truck. At least two more years until those are paid off. So at least two more years, until there's some "wiggle room" in the budget, where I could buy a new jacket from WalMart instead of the thrift store, or where I could pitch in to order Chinese with the folks from work...two years seems so far away....especially if I get laid off. But even if I don't, two years of working 66 hrs a week, no time for hobbies or therapy for myself, or exercise or anything. That in itself is daunting, when I think about it.

But I put it all together with the fact that DH is STILL no closer to working than he was a year ago, DD is STILL failing three classes, and my mom STILL has Alzheimer's, it's so overwhelming....I don't have any idea how I'm going to get through all this. All I can do is pray and do my best....

And hope I feel more optimistic tomorrow.

Bipolar Abilify X2 (or 3)

Well, we went to see the PDOC and told him about how at first DH was almost manic, doing all sorts of things, then he started having more mood swings, and then how he just started sitting around again.

The PDOC decided that DH wasn't on enough Abilify (5 mg) so he decided to double the dose to 10mg. He said that after 2 weeks, if DH still wasn't doing "wonderful", then he should go up to 15mg. I'm a little skeptical, but this PDOC seems to know his stuff, so I'll trust him, I guess....

Then I went to the pharmacy to pick up the Abilify. YIKES. Cash price-$545.00 <--not a typo!!!!!

With the insurance copay, a month's supply cost $75. The last time I went to pick up medications at the pharmacy, it was $245.00, and that wasn't for the whole month. I've worked so hard to get the price of his meds down. When my health insurance changed the way they do copays, DH's meds were going to be about $900/month, but now we've got them "down" to $245(!). I have no idea where that extra $75 is going to come from. All I can do is keep telling myself that if DH gets better, maybe he'll get a job, or get on disability or something, and the benefits (pay) will outweigh the costs.

I can only hope!

Division of Labor

Now that DH is, for the most part, quite a bit better than he was a year or so ago, it's been difficult for me to know where to keep my expectations. If you remember, most of the time, I've needed to remind myself to "lower your expectations." And that mantra has gotten me through some pretty stressful stuff!

But now, DH is awake most of the day. He's there with DD and I'm working. He's making parenting decisions and "forgetting" to talk to me about them first. And since I've been the "only" parent for quite some time, I get pretty frustrated with that. But he doesn't see that part, all he sees is that he's there, I'm at work, something needs to be done. Ok. I can be grateful and frustrated at the same time.

And he is helping. Sort of. He got a huge burst of energy and rearranged our bedroom. But half way through, he just stopped. So now there's furniture all over the place, the TV is over in a corner of the room where there isn't even any electric outlet. There's an empty book shelf on top of the dresser, and all the books are scattered all over the room, because the cats don't like "nice, neat, piles" of books. And he still hasn't groomed Buffy, our Collie. I'm going to end up paying a groomer to do it, because while he's been "getting around" to doing it, she's getting more and more matted. She's losing her winter coat, and DH had said he would do it. He finally did fix the bathtub drain, I thought I was going to have to figure that one out.

My problem is that he has such good intentions. He feels good, starts a project, or volunteers to take on some household chore, and then midway through (or not at all), he loses motivation. And there it sits. And I end up with more work than if he hadn't done anything. But somehow "lower your expectations" doesn't seem to work, either, because it seems like he should be more capable now. The key word, I know, is "seems". Apparently, he's not as capable as he thinks he is. Apparently he's not as capable as I want him to be. Apparently I still need to "lower my expectations." I just wish I had more time for all this. Last week, including training, I worked 73 hours. And took my mom's cat to the vet, and my dog to the vet. And my mom to the dentist, too. I so much want DH to just say, "I was feeling energetic, so I cleaned the bathroom." And have it really be all the way done. Not just sweep the floor, but clean the tub, clean the toilet, scrub the floor, clean the mirrors, etc.

I just reread that last sentence. And I can tell you I have better odds of winning the lottery. Yup....gotta lower my expectations....

Mad Mom!

Today an envelope came in the mail. I opened it, and guess what fell out? Not one, not two, but THREE FAILURE NOTICES from DD's school. She only takes six classes, and two of those are Special Ed and "Reading for Fun".

It's really tough, in a situation like this, to know what to do. But I do know, that DD, last semester, had one "A", four "B"'s, and a "C-". No "F"'s at all. And we've been hearing a lot more "I don't have any homework" stuff. (Ahem....apparently that was a little mistruth...)

Now. Knowing that DD has Fetal Alcohol Effects, this could go in a number of directions. Her therapist has said to me, on a couple of occasions that were similar, but not as awful as this, that DD just plain doesn't "get" the cause-and-effect thing, where you turn your assignments in, so you get good grades. I can buy that a little. I know that DD doesn't have the best cause/effect reasoning. So it's possible. But how do we explain last semester, where, presumably, she had the same deficits? And while she may not understand the cause/effect relationship of assignments to grades, I am positive that she knows that when we ask her whether she has homework, we expect the truth.

According to her IEP, she is supposed to bring an assignment book home every day, signed by the teacher(s), saying that there is no homework, or that there is some. This often does not get followed up on (in other words, DD 'forgets' it at school, or the teachers forget to sign it), and I don't have the energy to babysit the teachers to babysit my kid to do her homework. I know that makes me a bad mom. I just can't do it. And DH can't do it. I do the best I can, by attending conferences and going to IEP meetings, but with the two jobs, I just can't be home after school every day, checking, calling, etc.

And even when we are PRETTY SURE that she has homework, she (DD) will tell us that she "already turned that in, the teacher just didn't sign it." I get so frustrated. Her grades last semester tell me that she is very capable of doing the work. Or is it one of those Fetal Alcohol things, where sometimes she can do it, but other times she can't? Am I expecting too much?

Right now I'm going on the assumption that she CAN do the work, and a little (or big) struggle with schoolwork can lead to big successes. I'm not expecting straight A's. But I am expecting her to put her best effort into this. Her PCA has tried a lot of things to give DD positive reinforcement for getting her homework done. They work when they are new, then they get "boring", even if the end reward is something really fun. I don't know what to do except nag. And I don't have the energy for this!

"I need a job."

That's it in a nutshell. (No, not me...I've still got two of them, LOL)

Tonite, DH called me and told me that his mom was at the casino near our house, along with DH's brother. DH said that when he was talking to his brother on the phone, he could hear his mom in the background, telling his brother not to tell DH where they were (because DH always asks her for money). DH asked his brother where they were, and brother said, after a brief hesitation, "at the casino." DH said, "It kind of hurt me to know where I stand with her."

I wanted to say, "Well, she knows, just like I do, that you can spend more money on more stupid stuff in an hour than either of us can spend in a week." But of course I didn't. I just bit my tongue.

Then he said, "And my mom was getting on my case about disability again. She said I can't work, so I should be going on disability so that you don't have to work so hard, and so that I don't have to keep begging for money." (His mom is nothing if not blunt, sometimes)

Then he said, "And this cold is really bugging me."

I said, "I wish I knew how to help you."

DH said, "What I really need is a job."

That was it. I am very tired of listening to what a sad victim he is. And tired of him getting mad at me for not buying stupid stuff for him with money that doesn't even stretch far enough to pay the phone bill. Although, I must say, I refrained from saying "well, for most people, jobs don't just fall into their laps, especially in this economy." I was pretty proud that my mouth didn't say that.

But I did say, "Well, I think there are a lot of things you can do to make that happen, if that's what would make you feel better."

DH: Like what? There aren't any jobs out there. I looked!

(He looked for about an hour on one website.)

Me: Did you ever call that "jobs for the disabled" organization?

DH: No...

Me: How about the "jobs for people with mental illness" guy that you were working with...I know he isn't working there any more, but have you called their office to see if they can help?

DH: No....

Me: You've been thinking about becoming a CNA, but you aren't sure if you could handle it emotionally. Maybe you could volunteer at the nursing home and see how that goes, that way, you'd get some training, you'd have "connections", and it would be a lot like a job without the pay.

DH: Yeah....I guess....

Me: In this economy, you are going to have to be very creative when it comes to finding a job. But I know you are creative, especially when you are determined. I think you can do it, and if a job is what you need, once you really start looking, you'll be surprised at how good it feels.

DH: You know, I think I'm going to let you go. I think my mom, and then this job stuff is causing me to have a mood swing. I'll talk to you later.

Click.

Bad day for my mom, too

Topping it all off, I had to stop by my mom's apartment today to give some medication to her cat. Her cat has this very strange growth on his eyeball, we are hoping it is not cancer. We are treating it as if it is feline eosinophilic keratitis, which is a kind of autoimmune thing that can happen to a cat's eye. So I have been going over there to put ointment in his eye.

I used a paper towel to clean off the excess ointment, then threw the paper towel into the garbage. She asked me where we bring the garbage when it gets full. (Usually, housekeeping staff empties it once a week, but if it gets full before then, a resident might want to empty it.) So I suggested we walk down the hall so I could remind her of where to drop off her garbage. We got down there, and she said, "Oh, I remember this!" And so I was relieved.

Until we got back to her apartment. Now, remember, I have hung a LARGE pink heart-shaped pinata on her door, she can see the pink, she can touch the pinata, she can't miss it. That way, she knows which door is hers. So we got to her door, and she stopped, reached out, touched the pinata. I told her, "Mom, you're right! That's your apartment, great job!" Let's go in. She looked at me kind of funny. I said, "Let's go on in." So she went to knock on the door, as if it was someone else's apartment. I said, "Oh you don't have to knock, this is your own house." She got a confused look on her face, and I said, "Let's just use the doorknob." So she tentatively turned the doorknob, as if I was telling her to break into someone else's apartment. As soon as the door opened, she said again, "Oh, I remember this, now!" I felt very sad. I wonder how long she'll be able to stay there. I need to get my search underway, to see what nursing home/assisted living options are out there for her, so that if the time comes up suddenly, we have a plan. But some stupid part of me keeps hoping I won't need to worry about that.

What is it with the memory stuff????

I was driving with DH in the snow. He said, "By the way, why are you driving and not me?" I said, "Because the last time you drove me anywhere, (click here for the story) you almost killed us and I was scared." He said, "I did not!!!" "How do you figure?"

I said, "Last time you drove me to the bank, you were so tired, I can't even count the times when I had to yell at you to get back on the road." "You were veering into the median, and off towards the ditch, and everywhere in between." DH said, "I was not!!! When did that happen?" I told him again: "About two weeks ago." "We were driving to the bank." "DD was in the back seat." I still thought he was pretending not to remember because he was embarrassed or something.

He said, "We have never gone to the bank with DD." At that point, I realized it was possible that he truly had no idea what I was talking about. I said, "yes, we did, and we all went to McDonalds." He said, "Are you making this up?"

He truly has no memory of that day at all. Scary. Almost as scary as the ride was that day.

Abilify = "That Guy"

Sigh.

DH has an appointment with his PDOC next week (on the 17th). He was happy when he realized that, because he said, "I hope they can do something about all the anger I've been having lately." I said, "I think the Abilify is helping you get more done, but I think you've been having mood swings again, and "That Guy" has been around more. I'd actually say you've been a little manic."

DH said, "I think you're right."

So at least we're both on the same page there.

Last night, DH, who has a mild cold, needed some Kleenex, so we went to the store after DD was asleep. We got there and grabbed the Kleenex, then he wanted "scrubbies" for the kitchen. Ok, they're not too expensive. Then he asked me if we could get some eggs. We have chickens, but he'd rather eat the factory eggs. Ok, if it'll get him fed for not too much money, I guess so. Then he "accidentally, on purpose" walked down the pop aisle to point out all the good pop prices to me. He was disappointed when I said, "we've already got more than we came for." Then he said, "Oh look! Pop Tarts are only two for three dollars!" "We should get some!" I said no. He said, "but they're a quick snack!" I said, "So is soup." He didn't say anything. Then when we were checking out, he wanted a candy bar. I said no. He said, "Just one?" I said, "look at the price." (They were 99 cents each). He said, "They're less than a dollar!" I just shook my head. And he got mad and for the most part hasn't spoken to me at all since then. I'm waiting for "That Guy" to go away.

And to top it all off, earlier in the day I had given him $30!!! I can't afford him. He's like a cement weight around my financial neck.

Reminiscing

Tonite I was thinking about DH's guitar(s)--he has two. One that he pawns and one that he plays :-)

He decided to learn to play the guitar shortly before he started having problems. I had an old guitar and he started taking lessons and getting really "into" it. Then, as with everything else, he stopped paying the bill for his lessons. In order to (as usual) save face in our community, I paid the bill without DH knowing and he did not go back.

He did keep on playing, but his illness really caused him to not be able to put as much into it as he normally would have. His guitar, though, was one of the things he loved and was proud of.

One night, and I believe this happened before I started blogging, he called me at work and was very "freaked out". He kept saying "I don't know what just happened."
After we talked for a while, he told me that he had taken his guitar and smashed it to smithereens. And I mean smithereens. Smaller than finger-sized pieces. And he had no idea why he had done that, he just felt like he "had to". That was one of the few times that I have ever wondered if I was safe with him. He had never done anything like that before.

Anyhow, tonite I was thinking about his guitar(s) that he has now, and the smashed guitar just popped into my mind. And my thought was, "I cannot imagine DH doing that." Right now, he is in such a better place. When I compare things like that to how things are now, it's like night and day. And I'm reminded to be grateful.

Hot dog cooker

I bought one of these at the second hand store the other day. It was actually still brand-new, never used, priced at $4.00!!! I bought it thinking it was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. After all, how hard is it to cook a hot dog? But, since I know DH, and the fact that he considers boiling water to be "cooking" and that is something he "doesn't do", I thought, "well, he can make toast, so maybe he can use this to make hot dogs!"

I assumed that it was really just another kitchen gadget that is basically useless. But $4, well, I thought I'd give it a try.

DH, when he first saw the box, did not laugh (which was what I did when I first saw the box). He thought it was a great idea. He couldn't wait to try it. I figured he'd be telling me that I wasted $4. I was wrong. He called me at work to tell me that the hot dogs were excellent! I didn't really believe him, though, I thought it was kind of like when DD makes macaroni and cheese--even if she makes a mistake, she still thinks it's "excellent" because she cooked it. Since DH "cooked" the hot dogs, I figured it worked the same way.

Guess what? The hot dogs that come out of that thing are yummy!!! The bun(s) get toasted just a little, and the hot dogs turn out great!!! I looked around on line for the toaster, to see what they cost when they're not at a second-hand store, and it looks like they range from about $15 to about $30. Good to know!

A little mania can be nice...

I think the Abilify is making DH just a LITTLE bit manic. He's been smoking more, and sleeping less. But I haven't seen anything (since Saturday) that made me too worried. Mostly, I think, whatever is going on, has been very good!

DH actually did ALL the laundry in the house (and it was pretty backed up!), folded it, and put it away. He called an electrician and found the true cause of the problem with the lights in DD's bathroom. He vaccuumed and also visited my mom!

Wow.

And the conversations with him have been very laid back, easy-going, kind of like they were when we first got married. I guess I didn't realize that we hadn't had that for a long time, until we suddenly did again.

Oh--and he agreed to start going to Spenders again. I told him I wasn't buying him any cigarettes until he promised me that he would. Now that he's promised, he seems pretty excited!

On a slightly more stressful note, one of DH's friends that he worked with a LONG time ago just "up and came over" today. We weren't expecting him at all, and of course the house was in chaos....although less chaos than usual, due to DH! I knew DH had talked the this person on the phone last week, and DH had told me that he had not told his friend what's been going on with him. I understand why, of course, but I don't have the exact plan for what DH told him, so I was afraid I was going to say something that would blow it.

I think this friend, though, has some kind of idea, because he used to come up to our place almost every weekend, but then when DH started "getting weird", he just stopped calling and he stopped coming by. I figured it was just one of those things that comes with mental illness. Now that he's back, I'm not sure what to think.

Anyhow, DH had allowed DD to rope him into appearing at her school to talk about his "career(s)". I had very grave concerns about this, for so many reasons. But DH was sure that he could do it, so that was that. Luckily, though, I guess, DH's friend went with him, because DH said "my thoughts were all jumbled. I was done in 5 minutes. I didn't know what to say." So DH's friend, who was a truck driver and is now retired, took over. So maybe his showing up at our house was just an angelic way of saving DH's face.

Oh. And leave it to Carol to open her big mouth! DH's friend told a joke, so I told a joke about G.W. Bush. I'm definitely not a fan of his. But after I told the joke, DH laughed out loud, and the friend gave a polite laugh. Then we found out that not only is he a Republican, but he is an ardent fan of George W. Oops. I guess I thought EVERYONE disliked Bush. Note to self: Only tell safe jokes when you are in the company of someone you don't know well.

Manic Saturday

It started out as a blissfully pleasant day. I had the day off from work, and my mom was purportedly safe in her assisted living apartment. I got 7 hours of sleep!!! That was so wonderful, that I slept longer than I had planned on. I told DH that I was going to run to the branch of my bank that is open on Saturdays, so that I could deposit a check that I had gotten for my flexible spending account, which would ensure that nothing would bounce. He asked me if he could come with, and I said sure.

Then DD wanted to come too. Until she realized that if we went to the bank, DH wouldn't be taking her to the pet store to see the animals, like he had promised earlier this week. He asked her which one she would rather do, go to the bank or go to the pet store. She, in hopes of going out to eat, said she'd rather go to the bank. So we started getting ready to go, and then DD started in on how DH had broken his promise because we were going to the bank and she wasn't going to the pet store. DH tried to point out to her that she had made the choice, not him, but when she kept whining, he got really angry and got in his truck, which we weren't even going to take, and started to leave. Then he stopped and ordered DD to get in, because they were going to the "damn pet store". And of course she didn't want to go.....ok....so we all got into the car to go to the bank.

DH took out his Lorazepams, and told me "the doctor thinks I should be taking two at a time, based on my body size." I have no idea if that was true or not, but he took two. And he drove to the bank. I have never been so scared. I can't even count the times I had to holler. He drifted off the road. He almost ran a red light. Then, at an intersection where all the cars were already stopped, he didn't notice and wasn't even slowing down. I was very glad to get to the bank, and afterwards, because I just wanted all of us to be able to enjoy each other's company, I took us to McDonalds. Ok. I was happy again.

As soon as we left McDonalds, DH informed me that he needed cigarettes. If I would have known that, I wouldn't have gone to McDonalds. I KNOW that DH's mom just wired him $40 on Wednesday, because that was the day he was having a fit because I wasn't home and he didn't have any cigarettes or money. WHERE DID THAT $40 GO????? Not in his gas tank, because that part comes later....Ok, not the first time that happened....he asked for money for pop. I said "drink water or Kool Aid." He said ok, but didn't say much else. So then we drove home, and I visited with my mom for a while. When I got home, I learned that DH had decided that it was ok for DD's friend to stay overnight. We generally have a rule that both parents consult regarding situations like that, but I guess it didn't apply today. So I got home and not only was the friend there, but DH had taken them both to the pet store, where friend had bought a pet rat. And it was in a cardboard box in DD's room. I don't have anything against pet rats in general, and, in fact, a long time ago I had a pet rat named Ratley. But this was so against our household rules. DH had no idea whether friend's parents will allow the rat. DH knows that I am against having small animals of any kind in our house, due to the fourteen cats that currently live there. So why the stupid thing was in our house is beyond me. But then, after DH told me about it, DD came out carrying the rat. Into the living room, where there were at least eight cats waiting to eat it. I told her to put the rat away and she wanted to argue. "Why" "He's a PET rat, not a bad rat", and she has been told dozens of times why we won't be getting any gerbils, hamsters, rats or mice in our house. It seems very obvious to me. I was not pleased, either by her arguing or by DH's complete lack of judgment. So what happens then, you ask? DH says, "Can you give me some gas money so that I can take them to Subway?" I told him I didn't have any. "I uh, already told them that we could go. Can I just take your car?" I said, "Well, I have to leave for work in 20 minutes, so if you can get back by then, yes..." Of course Subway takes longer than that. I am very angry by this time, because I am on the spot. Either I come up with a way for him to have gas money (so clearly he didn't put the $40 into his gas tank...) or DD is probably going to have another problem with "You promised!". I know dealing with the consequences of making promises he has no ability to keep would not be a bad thing, but I don't want "That Guy" to show up in front of DD's friend, either. So I gave him my check card and told him I needed a receipt. So anyhow, DH and DD's friend started to clean the house--a miracle in itself (of course DD wasn't helping) (and the fact that it was so strange kind of told me that things weren't right) and then they went to Subway and I went to work. I was crabby.

DH called me at work and started talking about taking apart DD's bunk bed, and putting a bed that his brother had given us, in her room instead. I knew by this time that his judgment was not right, so I said, "I don't think it's a good idea. First off, you've got that rat in there, and if the bedroom door is open, it's curtains for the rat. Then the fact of having DD showing off in front of her friend, and the friend not knowing how our household operates, I think you need to wait to do that until things are calmer at our house. DH said, "yeah, you're right."

So two hours later, DH called me again to tell me that the kids are sleeping in the living room because he started to take the bunk bed apart and it was harder than he thought!! So now, not only do I have a kid there that I wasn't expecting, they can't sleep in DD's bedroom. Which means that just like when Jim was there, I have no living room. I just get so frustrated.

I don't know what brought on this manic thing. All I can think of is that maybe it was the double dose of lorazepam, I don't know!!! Everything seemed to be going really well. Maybe I should've knocked on wood or something. If I had any money, I'd be considering a motel room just so I could get away from it all. But when I get home, I won't even be able to sleep on my couch.