Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Oh. I think I figured it out....

The veterinarian thing, that is. I've been very puzzled about this, since I am so very sad that he is leaving, why on earth do I care so darn much? I'm not in love with him, I don't even have a "crush" on him. I truly only have "eyes" for DH when it comes to that stuff. And even if I didn't, in that sense, Dr. S. is so incredibly far out of my league, it's not even worth giving consideration to. So I've been trying to ask myself, "Is there something that I don't know about me? Could I be secretly, unbeknownst even to myself, in love with him, or something like that?" And my consistent answer was no. But why, then, am I so devastated that he is leaving? Besides the fact that he saved Charlie Meow when nobody else could, I mean?

What I did come up with was that when I first met him, I had my whole life ahead of me. So did he. We were both starting out. He's only a few years older than me. He had only been practicing veterinary medicine for a short time before I met him. I had a promising life--fresh out of college, lots of fun times and adventure ahead....and I think that I'm sad about Dr. S. leaving because he represents one of the few aspects of my life that were around at that hopeful time and are still around today. And so him leaving is somehow tantamount to me not only losing a highly competent veterinarian for my menagerie, but also another part of my youth, too. I mean, here I am, 40 years old, and I can't say that my life has turned out like I had planned when I was 22. I have an adopted daughter who would rather live with her bio mom in a house full of sewage and no heat and no running water. No biological kids of my own and my (biological) clock is on the verge of conking out. A DH that I love very much but who has a serious mental illness. A load of debt that's both directly and indirectly related to that. A house that's falling apart, really, because even if I knew or could figure out how to fix everything, I wouldn't have time because I'm working so much. And I'm working my you-know-what off and still basically in poverty. And Dr. S. is kind of a tie that reminds me of a time when I didn't have all these worries or struggles....kinda full of self-pity tonite, aren't I?

Well, that's what I came up with, anyhow....I realize I could just as easily count my blessings as counting my curses, but right now I'm just going to feel sorry for myself for a while, ok?

Oh. And as far as "reasons why I'm sad", don't forget the PMS, too, LOL.