Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I'm dissatisfied tonite. (So what's new, right?)

First off, Jim has got to go. I am so incredibly tired of him being there every single day, I'm really afraid it's going to start showing :-( He's done all sorts of nice stuff for us, but jeez Louies, he's sure worn out his welcome!!! He was only going to stay a "few weeks" and now it's been 6 months. And I have had it. He doesn't clean anything, he does fix things once in a while, but I did not marry him. I did not even select him as a permanent couch ornament. I want to take this time, where DH is progressively getting a little better, and relish it as a family, or, better yet, as a couple. I so much want to snuggle on the couch with DH and DD. But Jim lives on the couch. I went the whole winter without being able to fall asleep in front of the fireplace, because he was out there all the time. And that is one of my simple pleasures, falling asleep on the couch with the fire roaring, smelling the wood smoke, feeling the warmth...ok, I guess 'nuff said about that.

Also, though, and this is kind of concerning me, just in the last couple of days I've been wishing that I had a DH who was my equal. A DH who worked, who didn't have to beg me for money, and a DH who was not mentally ill. I don't have anyone in mind, if that's what you're thinking, it's been more of a "my life would be so much easier/better/fun if I had a DH who was like, well, if he was like DH was when we got married. I'm feeling very discontented. And I started to get myself into one of those "look at how awful your life has turned out--you had so much promise!" moods again, and then gave myself a mental kick and told myself that "my life is what I make of it, and my marriage does not define me." I'd like to say I cheered up after that, but actually, my next thought was, "but what fun are all these things if I've got a DH that I can't share things with?" Then I told myself to shut up.

I've been trying to eat better and get more exercise, but it's very hard with the way I work all the time and drive so far. Some days I've been doing ok, though. My little goal that I wrote down is to eat two fruits or vegetables every day. I know that's not what the "Food Pyramid" says I should have, but if I do that every day, it's a lot more than my typical meal consists of....i.e., Spaghettios, ramen, cereal, peanut butter sandwiches....you get the picture...anyhow, I believe that if I can make some changes that make me feel good, maybe I won't feel so disappointed in everything.


Anonymous said...

Good idea on the food choice.
I know it is a fact that if you eat better you will feel beter