Friday, March 14, 2008

I guess it's not the Effexor....Bipolar sucks!!

I guess it's just more of the bipolar ups and downs that I keep seeing. And the "ups" get me hopeful, and the "downs" crush me, disgust me, make me furious....

Today I talked to him, he hasn't been out of bed yet, except to go to the store to see if they had a better mirror to help him put in his contacts. He told me he fell asleep in the truck in the driveway. And he doesn't know why he's so depressed. I still could barely understand what he was saying, it sounded like he had a mouthful of toilet paper. But what I got was, he's basically been in bed all day. He's really depressed. He's worthless. I should leave him (per DH). But please don't leave (again per DH). No, nothing happened. He has no idea why he's feeling like this. He doesn't know if we need to call someone. No, he hasn't talked to the mental health worker yet.

Time out, ok, he just called me again. Remember he had that money from cashing in all of those cans? Well, apparently he couldn't wait to spend it, so he drove his truck (that gets 10 miles to the gallon) to WalMart, which is 30 miles away from home, to get a mirror so that he could put in his contacts, which, as a former contact lens wearer (I had the LASIK surgery in 1998) I know isn't going to help much, if at all, and a pair of sunglasses. Neither of which was so urgent that he should spend $18+ in gas money to travel to get them, and he couldn't afford that anyhow. I am not going to be angry, I am not going to be angry.....

Things change around here faster than I can even type in this blog. And I feel so helpless sometimes. He's apparently out "spending away" while I'm sitting here working, and I can't stop him, and it's pretty clear that he's making poor choices again, and now I'm wondering if he'll be able to handle that job when it starts, too. I used to be a happy person. But now all of this is so draining.

And you know what else? I think, that no matter what the "professionals" are telling him/us about his bipolar, if this (all these good days followed by crashes) is going on, then he is not stable. Things are better than they used to be. But that's not saying much. And I don't know what to expect from one minute to the next. I just feel like we can do better than this, for sure. But that case manager hasn't called me back, and I've called three times, and actually talked to him once in person, explained the situation and what we might need, and nothing. And the resources in our town are so limited, I have no idea how to handle this at all.


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