Sunday, March 16, 2008

Let me tell you about my day.....

I got off work from my one job at 8am. I got home at about 8:45. I went home, DH was already up. That seemed rather promising. And he had his contacts in, too. In fact, he was ready to go to Spenders. So I took Molly McMutt to bed with me, Charlie Meow, Elmo Meow, Ninja Meow, and Shasta Meow. We had quite a pile of fur! I'd be completely lost without my animals. Their love keeps me going most days....

Anyhow, at 2pm, DH woke me up and told me this: "I got to Spenders, the meeting was good, everything was fine, and I was driving, and the sky was blue, and I was feeling better, and decided to stop and get breakfast at Embers." (very unfrugal, I thought, but I didn't say it out loud to him) "And on the way home, I got so sad again. I'm so down, Carol, and I don't know why! And I don't know what to do." "I can't even smile."

I started asking him if he had any idea of what brought it on, could something have happened in Spenders that hadn't hit him until later? No. How about at the restaurant? No. Then maybe it's just that your subconscious thinks I'm depressing?" (I was trying to be kind of funny and a little serious) "NO. YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. YOU'RE DOING THE MAN THING. TRYING TO SOLVE IT. SOMETIMES ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS LISTEN." Me: Ok, I'm sorry, I didn't realize. Go on, I'll listen, I promise. "No, I'm done now." Me: (in my head) "I SO MUCH don't have any desire at all to sit here and listen to how miserable you are AGAIN. And over and over. And how you can't possibly try anything to alleviate it." (but I didn't say that, of course.)

So then I went back to sleep for an hour, then I got up, fed the ducks and chickens. I was still kind of mulling over that conversation with DH, and trying to guard one of the roosters (whose foot got frostbite over the winter, and the other chickens don't think he should be allowed to live) to make sure he got enough to eat, and DD tried to follow me into the pen. "Don't come in here, please, I need some alone time," I said. She got this hugely offended look on her face, like I had just said "I can't stand the sight of you and never will," or something to that magnitude, and went in the house. I then went to my mom's to set up her pills and give her a hug. Then I went to work at my job that is 90 miles away, because I didn't get my work finished yesterday. While I was there, DH called me, he had decided to GO TO THE BAR. Because whatever DD had reported to him about what I had said to her, somehow it convinced him that I didn't love him any more and he got more and more depressed and then decided to get drunk. Major red flag, of course. I wasn't even actually mad at anyone, and I've been extremely mad (verifiable) at DH at times in the last year of so, and he hasn't felt like he needed to go get drunk...to the best of my knowledge, he hasn't gone to the bar for months. Anyhow, I told him what I had said to DD, and convinced him that I wasn't mad. So he went home. Still depressed, though, and still wondering if he should head to the hospital. I know he has an appointment with the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds on Tuesday, so maybe we can just hold out until then.....?

Anyhow, after that, I had to quick finish my work up, and run to my other job to work the overnight. And DH is still depressed. And not willing to try anything to get himself in a better place. And that was my wonderful day, folks....sigh....Oh, and did I mention that his back pain is getting worse again? Hmmmm.


perphila said...

You know, you could say, " Good morning, isn't the sun warm and nice today?" and he could take the statement to mean, "Good Morning? Is she being sarcastic? I have ruined her day already. The sun is warm and nice? Does she want to run away from me to bermuda or something? I bet she can't wait to leave me!" You just never know how what you say no matter how simple could be interpreted. If you spend your time trying to word everything to not upset him you are only going to drive yourself insane. The desire to drink is a scary thing. I agree with you he isn't stable by any means. Wanting to drink is wanting to numb yourself from pain. I am glad you were able to talk him into coming home. My kids went to my husbands new "home" for the first time Sunday and said there was wine everywhere. I wish I could talk him into coming home too.

Mrs. Dreamer said...

I agree, my animals keep me going. I know it's saved me from an inpatient admission. When my Dr. asked if he should admit me to the hospital since I was suicidal, I knew I was really, really close to suicide, which I admitted to him, but then a thought popped in my head, how would my 3 horses survive if Mr. Dreamer had to take care of them.

Would Mr. Dreamer even notice a horse limping, which would require immediate veterinary care. Does he know... So it snapped me out of it a little bit, enough that I wasn't admitted.

I can tell from your blog you're a caring person, I'm sorry your family read the wrong message, but it isn't a reflection on you. Reading your blog, I worry about the fact that no one is taking care of your emotional needs. DH and DD are fortunate to have you in their lives.