I'm scared and angry too.

And I really don't know where to start, so please forgive me if I ramble....
DH is still very depressed. He's been spending all his time in bed again, and Jim has gone to visit some relatives for a couple of weeks, so there's nothing to interest him at all.

He went to Spenders yesterday, but it didn't seem to perk him up like it usually did. I was inches away from paying the DirecTV bill and getting the TV going again, I had the phone in my hand and then I didn't. I'll pay the bill this week, but I won't resume service. But you know, it's not as helpful as we were thinking in the first place (having no DirecTV), either, because now instead of laying in there and watching TV all day, he's watching movies all day. Ones that he's seen oodles of times. And he's not doing anything in the house to help again, so the laundry's piling up and the floor needs mopped, and all that....and I think I mentioned all the garbage in the yard....he doesn't ever bother to walk to the garbage can any more, why should he when he can just throw his garbage on the ground :-(

And I found out that yesterday, when he was complaining about his back hurting so bad? Well, DD told me that "he went to the hospital, but it was too busy, so he went home." He hasn't done this hospital stuff for almost a year now and I'm getting worried that things are going backwards instead of forwards. And I still don't know who to talk to. That's one of the awful things about a small town, there's not as many resources as you might want sometimes. I haven't let on to DH that I know he went to the hospital again, because apparently I'm not supposed to know (or he would've told me).

The first couple of times last year, when he went to the hospital for his back pain, I was very very worried. After all, for a person to go to the Emergency Room on a Saturday or a Sunday, well, that means they're in trouble, right? But there was a period of about three months, from January to March, where he went to the E.R. every single weekend. I know the doctors thought he was going there to get "drugged up", and I suspect at some point, that's what it became. And now the hospital thing just makes me angry. And he knows that our insurance is a lot worse than it was last year. Oh, I don't know...mental illness doesn't make sense.....

I called that case manager person again, still no call back. But that doesn't really matter, because DH is supposed to be going to the eye doctor and won't call them back, and also, the hospital gave his name to "The Spine Center", but he won't call them back either. I'm giving serious consideration again to looking into what I would have to do to become his guardian, so that I can take care of things he isn't getting around to, like the bankruptcy, and a ton of other stuff....

So, aside from being scared that he might be heading towards another hospitalization, what am I scared of? It almost hurts me to tell you. It's kind of related to yesterday's post, but anyhow, in a nutshell, I'm afraid I'm losing my feelings for him and my respect for him has been gone for ages. I'm afraid I don't love him. And I feel like my whole life has started to revolve around how miserable he is. I've been here all along. I love him, right?

I keep saying I do. But in all reality? With things looking like a repeat of last year, I'm finding it so very hard to be sympathetic. I just don't want to hear his complaints and self-pity, because he never does anything to change things at all. I really really wish he'd find some kind of fault in me and leave to go live with his mom or something. But I know that won't happen. And I think about the bankruptcy case--you know, he hasn't done any of the follow-up stuff on that, so I'm going to have to give him another ultimatum to get that to move a few inches again. And the job hunting. I was in the next town over and picked up an application from McDonalds for him, he seemed excited that I got it, but that was all. And I think about all these bills and the fact that I am going to have to work my *** off for at least the next year just to break even, I get resentful.

And when I go to work he's in bed. And when I get home he's in bed. And every once in a while, he goes out to have a smoke and comes back to bed. But I can't say anything because absolutely anything I say will be construed as "he's a worthless piece of sh** and doesn't deserve to live."
And it just makes me SICK to see him lying there in bed, day after day. I don't even want to lie there next to him, that's how strong the repulsion is.

I feel like all of my dreams have been stolen from me. And I'm angry because it sounds like he's had some mental health issues in the past that nobody else recognized, but they were there, nonetheless. And I married him thinking he was very healthy, hard working, considerate, and very organized. I sometimes question whether I had my rose-colored glasses on when I married him, and maybe I didn't see all this, but it was there. And I know that wasn't the truth, because he had a good job, he made friends everywhere, and all the people from work always wanted to come over. And DD's therapist has known us both since DD became a part of our lives, and she also believes that it was "something that pushed him over the edge". And when I think about that, I'm comforted a little. Absolutely not one person who knows what's going on has told me "I saw this coming." or "You should've known better."

But I look at all the things I love, and I don't have time for any of them any more. My leisure time is a couple of quick pages read before I fall asleep. And today, even though DH was there and had been in bed all night, it was still me that had to get up, two hours after I got home from work and into bed, so that DD could go to her church group outing. And everything else that got done today. And then I went shopping for my mom (again) and filled up her (my mom's) pills.

And I gave DD $20 for the snow tubing outing for church. It was $15 for the snow tubing, and $5 for fast food on the way home. And when DH realized that I gave DD money, he wanted some too, and he got all pouty and did the "you don't care about me" when I told him I gave him $20 yesterday (he already spent it on his way to Spenders.) And I really wanted to tell him that I had no reason to care.

I know (I hope) that I still love him somehow. But I feel so trapped tonite, and you know, even if I wanted to leave, I couldn't, because I've got all of my animals, and I couldn't just up and leave them....and oh...there's so many things....what I would give to just have a normal husband, one who, when I had a bad day, wasn't so wrapped up in himself where he couldn't even listen to me....someone who, well, someone who's like DH was before...he really was the man of my dreams. And that's not an exaggeration. He had a good work ethic, he was very organized about his money, he volunteered to lead our county's Sheriff's Reserve, he called me at work just to tell me he was thinking of me....and you know what? Tonite I feel like I was a victim of one of those "Bait and Switch" sales, where they advertise something wonderful for a good price, and then when you get there, they're "out" of that thing, but they convince you to buy something that you don't really want anyhow....I got ripped off. And I hope I feel better tomorrow.

There's a little plaque in our house that says "People need love the most when they deserve it the least." I had gotten it as a reminder to me that when DD misbehaves, it's not because she doesn't care, but that she has deeper seeded issues. I keep reminding myself of that and the mad part of me says "I don't care."

Maybe it's just PMS or something, I hope. And maybe it's not necessarily a lack of love, as much as it is an overabundance of resentment.