He's been trying harder....

Well, it was a long weekend, for sure! On Friday, my mom and I took the 2 hour drive to my dad's grave, and, of course, we HAD to stop at McDonald's (my mom's favorite place)! Then on Saturday, I slept and then worked all night, got home at 8:45am, slept until 11, then went with DH and DD to a family barbecue. We got back just in time for me to head back to work, so thank goodness for coffee!!!

Anyhow, I think you all were right about him testing me. Every day since then, he's done his chore (more or less anyhow)....even today, when he was mad at Kirby (this time BOTH for peeing in the laundry room and for ripping up the garbage), he still said he went out and got all the junk off the deck, which was his chore for today.

(A little off-topic, but I think Kirby has been feeling better (hence the trash-digging). He's been walking around more, and his tail wags more....not sure what's going on, but I know every day is a blessing...)

On Monday, DH showed me how to run the wood-splitter. I told him that I needed to learn that so that we would have wood this winter, as I don't think I'm strong enough to split an entire winter's worth of wood with an axe. So he showed me how to start it up, how to do it all. And then he confessed to me that he knows why I want to know, but it makes him feel insecure because it's one more thing that I don't need him for. I didn't know how to respond to that. Clearly, "That Guy" wasn't there, and DH still wants to do right. I just have to find ways to have that happen and I need to not take things so personally. Easier said, than done, of course.

I love my DH. So much. And want to divorce "That Guy". So much.

Clean the counter.

That was today's chore...you know, the one chore that I was going to put on his to-do list....? I wanted to make sure he'd succeed, so I didn't request anything strenuous at all....

So for today, his chore was "clean the counter."

I just got a phone call. It's 3am. "I keep falling asleep. Would you be mad at me if I didn't clean the counter until tomorrow?"

Can you believe it? Probably, most of you can, unfortunately.

Yes, I'm mad. I'm disgusted. And I recognize that getting mad at someone when they "can't stay awake" won't be productive. But I did say this:

"You are already, after three days, falling back into your same old patterns. Like when you take all the laundry out of the dryer, say "I'll fold it tomorrow", then a week later, it's still not folded, and cats have been sleeping on it, so I have to wash it all over again." "I live in a house where neither you nor DD ever does what you're supposed to do when you are supposed to do it." "And I am going to say this. You had all day to clean that counter. You are too tired now. But if it doesn't get cleaned tomorrow, I WILL be angry." (and in my brain "and you won't believe HOW angry) (but I didn't say that part out loud.)

I am tired of this. But I will tell him that when he is "alert". I recognize that he is trying to change his sleep cycle to a normal one....he should not even be awake at 3am....

How on earth can he even entertain the thought of having a job, when he can't do one simple thing, like clean the counter? When he has at least 18 hours to do it in????

Surprise!

On Tuesday, I checked the mail before I left for work. There was a check for $375 from my Flexible Spending account, which is usually for copays and stuff. I couldn't remember anything that cost that much, right now I'm only spending about $200 a month on DH's prescriptions, so I was confused.

Last night, I looked it up online, and it looks like what happened is, they reimbursed me for the entire cost of one of his drugs, instead of the copay that I paid, which was only $75. So even though it's really my money anyhow (they take an amount out of my paycheck every pay period), it was a little windfall!

So I paid the 4-wheeler bill, and decided to treat myself to a shopping "spree". I stayed in the City last night, and so I got up early this morning and went to my favorite thrift store....here's what I got:

3 pairs of jeans ($2.49 each)
1 pair of New Balance tennies ($6.49)
1 pair of flip-flops (.99)
3 books by favorite authors of mine--Janet Evanovich and Carl Hiaasen, both very funny! $6.00 total--one hardcover and two paperbacks...
12 (yes 12) books from the "bargain bin" which were 4/.99. I was so excited because I found some really good ones in there. I like to buy my books when I can, because I often don't get around to returning library books on time, and then they end up costing more than they would have if I had just bought something at the thrift store...
2 magazines--Country Woman and Spiritual Health, .25 each

And that's it.
I felt a little guilty when I paid for it all....I mean....it was all for me....but if I would've shopped at Wal Mart, well, it would've been three or four times that much!! And I like that it wasn't coming from money that was already budgeted for something else....it was "free" money :-)

Have a great night.

I love that thrift shop. They have great stuff. Once in a while, you look at things and think, "the person who priced that must've been on something", like the mattress I looked at today....the corners were held together by duct tape, even the sides were filthy, stains all over the place, and priced at $39.99(!) (Good luck on selling that!)

But most of the time, if you look, you can find deals, for sure. Those shoes I bought would've cost $30.00 at the very least....and they were in almost-new condition....barely worn at all....

It felt good.

A note to Sasha, the Accidental Mommy...

Sasha, we're worried about you....it's obvious that something terrible has happened...I'm so heartsick, thinking the very worst....There doesn't appear to be any other way to reach you now, since you've removed the comments, etc., if you do happen to come across this, please, if you could, just let us know you're ok....?

We'll be praying for you, even though you and God are not getting along...

(To anyone who doesn't know Sasha's blog, she is/was married to a quadriplegic, and had taken on the care of a relative's children, who were very emotionally troubled and had lots of issues--she is one of the blogs that I "follow", and you can still read the archives of her blog, at least for the time being....)

Anger and where I bite my tongue

Well, I've been giving a lot of thought to the comments I've received, and I was still putting off doing anything at all, because it's hard. It's very hard.

But on Sunday, it was the third day where he said that he would scoop out Shasta's litter box. And he was going to clean the kitchen, too. I was a little hopeful, and I went to work. I talked to him at 3am, when he called me to tell me that he was going to bed. "What did you do all night?", I asked. "Oh, just watched movies." I thought that maybe he was just leaving out the cleaning part. Ok, I didn't really think it, but I was kind of hoping.

I got home and the house smelled like a zoo. Of course Shasta's box hadn't been done, nothing had been done at all. I take that back. He loaded the dishwasher.
But out of the 10+ hours that I was gone for work, that is what he did. That and watch movies.

So when I went in to bed, I made enough of a commotion that it woke him up, he asked me what was wrong. I said, "I thought you were going to scoop Shasta's box...? And clean the kitchen...?" He said, "Oh yeah. I was, wasn't I?" And he went back to bed. I set my alarm for three hours later, so that I could get out of bed and clean. When my alarm went off, he asked me why I was getting up. I said, "because this house needs cleaning, and I am going to do it." He kept saying, "I'll clean, I'll clean, just go back to bed." But I cannot depend on him (clearly) so I just continued to slam things around and clean the kitchen. Then he got up and said, (can you believe this)..."Did you buy me some cigarettes?" I almost laughed, but I didn't. Actually, I had forgotten to pick them up on my way home, got into the driveway and thought, "I'll just run to the bathroom before I run back to town to get them." But when I got inside, I changed my mind. I said to him, "No, I didn't, because I was mad." He said, "Never mind, I'll get them myself." And went and got a bunch of pennies out of his change jar and left.

Then he came back, and I could tell it was "That Guy" and he was angry. But he went in and started vaccuuming the living room. He wasn't speaking to me, which was fine with me. Then, he went to lift the coffee table up on to the couch so that he could vaccuum that area, and Woo-Woo, one of the dogs, was in his way. "MOVE, GO*DAMMIT, YOU STUPID THING, GET OUT OF MY WAY!" He was screaming at the top of his lungs. I have never heard him scream like that and it scared me. So I went into the living room, looked at him and said, "Leave. Right now. Leave." And he screamed at me, "I DON'T HAVE ANY GAS TO LEAVE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE!!!!!!" So I gave him a $5 bill, and he left. I was hugely relieved at first. All I could think of was "he's gone, thank goodness."

But then I recognized that the $5 was not going to get him to his mom's house 4 hours away. And it would not get him a hotel room. So then I started thinking that he might choose to hurt himself, and I called him. He sounded very different. He had already asked his mom to Western Union him some gas money, so I was wrong there. But we sat in his car and talked, and I could tell that "That Guy" was completely gone. DH said, "Nothing about this is about you. You are doing everything right. You are doing way more than your share, and you have a right to expect me to help out. I don't blame you one bit for being angry. How can we fix this?" And so on.

So I told him that he has to start taking his pills on a schedule again and not fighting it. And he agreed. He will keep his morning pills next to the bed, so that he can just reach over and take them. And he will take the nighttime pills at the right time, and not put them off just so that he can stay up later.

And he apologized again for not helping. And he agreed that every day I would make him a to-do list with one chore on it and he would do that. (I'm realistic enough to know that he might not do that even, but it's more than he's doing now).

And since then, he's been doing more, and whining less. I think he is at least getting an inkling that I am near the end of my rope. It was probably wrong for me to not stick to my guns after I told him to leave, but I didn't think he had an option like having his mom wire him money. I am very much hoping that if he can start taking those pills at the right time(s), that he'll become more stable, too.

I don't want my marriage to end. I love my husband. I wish I was better at handling this. It's one thing for me to say, "Well, he's mentally ill, I can't expect much", but when you want a partnership marriage, that isn't good enough. I'm confused, worried, and sad. And I don't think I'm ready to give up yet, although I think quite a number of you will question my own sanity on this one...

Procrastination

Well, I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I sat with tears streaming down my face, being so grateful to all of you....really.

And I know that everything you all said was very true. It's very confusing for me, because if it weren't for the mental illness, I would have made my decisions long ago. But the mental illness clouds my thoughts, as if DH had cancer, or even if he had a stroke or something, I could not imagine leaving him....

There is a lady that I work with at my full time job. She's in her mid-50's, and two years ago, her husband had a stroke. He's recovered fairly well physically, but she says, "He's not the same person I married. He's a lot more angry. His personality changed. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it." I have not told her about DH, because I don't like to share my personal life with my coworkers much. But I can so much relate to her.

And then there's the fact that he was "normal" when I met him. He was "normal" for years after I met him, years after we married. And there's that stubborn, stupid little part of me that says "well, it's not like a stroke, he was normal once, we can get him normal again." And despite the fact that I am getting sucked into this abyss, I don't want to stop trying.

I've found myself being more direct with him. Yesterday I told him that I was angry because there was so much to do around the house and I didn't have the time or the ability to get it all done. I didn't point fingers any more than that....just called his attention to the fact that I am angry. I'm angry about a lot more things than just the condition of the house, but it would not benefit me to bring those things up right now.

Most of the time, I've been pondering the things that you all said, and imagining me sitting down with him and just saying, "Look. I'm afraid that if you aren't able to pull a little weight around here, that our marriage is going to be destroyed. So I'm telling you, in case you have any control over this stuff, so that you might have a chance to change that." I would be comfortable having this conversation with my DH, as long as "That Guy" was gone for the day. I still need to muster up some nerve, though, for sure.

Numb.

I don't know what to do. It's very alarming, on one level, but on other levels, it's not surprising at all....but I never in a thousand years, ever imagined that I would feel this way.

I feel numb. About DH. I really just don't care right now, and I'm very shocked.

I don't care if he takes his stupid meds on time, I don't care if he gets out of bed, I don't care if I have to do 8 loads of laundry all by myself even though he was home all day....and I don't care if he's out of pop or cigs or if his back hurts.

He told me he loved me today, and I thought to myself, "yeah, that's nice".

And there's a little voice inside me making snide comments every time DH says anything. I just don't feel much of anything....disgust, and then nothing. Is this why marriages end? I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to talk to him. All he thinks about is DH all the time anyhow.

Tonite he's angry again because his mom is at the casino and didn't invite him, although he (according to DH) had been looking forward to it all day. Big whoop. I'm working.

And he's angry with Kirby again, too. I know I've got to find a solution for Kirby. But I also know that he isn't doing it on purpose, he just needs to go out virtually every time you can think of it. I don't think he has more than a month or two, at most...but I don't think it's time yet....maybe....? And DH doesn't get it and gets mad. As long as he doesn't physically do anything to the animals (and he never has ever...) I don't care if he's mad. Too bad for him.

Numb, I tell you.

I keep thinking that he needs to go to his mom's for a while. But I'm afraid that he'll become suicidal if I ask him to. I'm also fantasizing about going and staying in a motel for the next couple of days, but it couldn't be too far away, because I've got to make sure the animals get taken care of.

I just want a different life. Same pets, different husband, different house, etc...

Our trip to McDonald's

Today I had to go to the bank (which is an hour away), so I asked my mom if she wanted to ride along--of course she did!! I guess I was kind of mean, because it was DH's birthday, and he wanted to go too, but I knew his only reason for wanting to go was to go out to eat (because he knew my mom would want to) and I wanted some quality time with my mom, so I said no and that I'd take him someplace when I got home. He wasn't too happy, but I made him a cheesecake earlier, gave him a card, and a $20 gift card for the store in town....so it's not like I totally forgot about him...or maybe I was a jerk. Mostly I'm not caring lately. More on that later, I guess...

But my mom was having a really good day, memory-wise....when I got to her apartment, she already had her shoes on and also her hoodie (although it wasn't zipped--she lost the ability to zip things a couple of years ago), all ready to go. She told me "I've already gone to the bathroom, too!" I was thrilled. Usually when we are going someplace, I have to plan on about 1/2 hr to 45 mins to get ready. We usually get the shoes on, then a jacket, don't forget the sunglasses, and then she needs to go to the bathroom....this was quite momentous!! I don't think she's been that "ready to go" in at least a year.

Then I started to get a little worried, because it seems like the exceptionally good days are followed by exceptionally bad days, but what can I do about that? I decided to just take the day as a blessing.

There is a small town nearby, where, to the angst of the citizens, a strip bar has opened up. And my mom NEVER forgets it. "Is that the town with the strip bar?" But what she said today just cracked me up, and it was further evidence of her having a "good" day.....

Mom: Is that the town with the strip bar?

Me: Yes, I think it is.

Mom: Do you think they're still in business?

Me: Well, I don't know much about it, but I haven't seen anything in the paper that they closed.

Mom: (as we drive through the small town, where the strip bar is at least 6 blocks away, on the other side of town from the highway)
I don't see any strippers.

Me: Well, they probably stay in the strip bar.

Mom: Well they should have some of them come out and show us what they do.

Me: (trying not to laugh) I'm not sure the police would like that.

Mom: Well they should!

I am laughing at the memory of this conversation. My mom is and was a very old-fashioned lady, very modest. I cannot believe we had this conversation!!!

Anyhow, we proceeded on our way and stopped at McDonald's, which is my mom's absolutely favorite place to eat. She had a double cheeseburger, medium fries and a hot mocha drink and she ate it all, with gusto!!! And then she said that she wished there was a McDonald's in her assisted living facility because that place (her assisted living place) doesn't know how to make a hamburger.

I love my mom so much.

Tomorrow's Mother's day. As I said, I'm going to her place and making "brunch". She did not forget that, either. She asked me "what time are you going to be by to cook for me?" I couldn't believe that she remembered that I was going to do that....it was a very good day!

"That Guy" is mad at my dog.

I'm really torn up about this. My dog Kirby is 16 years old. I've had him since he was 6 weeks old. And he's not a little dog, for sure, so he's pretty elderly. He's very deaf. I've known for over a year now that he has kidney failure, and the last time we went to the vet, I learned that he probably has some kind of cancer, too. But I elected not to do any procedures to find out for sure, because I knew there wouldn't be any treatment....at age 16, even if I had the money, it's probably not realistic to put hundreds of dollars into a dog who's already older than most....

Anyhow, due to his kidney failure, Kirby has been drinking more and more water. And experiencing the consequences of that. In the last couple of months, it has been that he needs to go out every two to three hours, or he just can't "hold it". And, since I'm working a lot, and DH is not dependable, he often does not get out when he needs to go. Luckily, he (Kirby) seemed to have some understanding regarding this, as he would go into the laundry room and pee on the floor in there. So it wasn't too big of a deal....sad, and frustrating, but I will put up with a lot from someone I love, if I know they can't help it....

Anyhow, today, DH called me and told me that last night Kirby didn't make it into the laundry room several times. DH was very angry. I felt like he was angry with me, too, for having a dog that would do that. He told me it "ruined his whole day". The DH I married would not think like that, for sure. I felt bad. But not about DH. Too bad for him. Deal with a little stress once in a while. But for me, my impending loss, and my dog.

I know what's coming. Every morning when I come home from work and Kirby is sleeping, I hope and pray that he's died in his sleep, so I don't have to decide when it's his time. He still wags his tail, still begs for treats. Still walks to the mailbox with me on his good days.

But he's pretty skinny now, and on some of his "bad" days his back end kind of sways, he's pretty weak.

I won't put him down just because DH is angry, not at all. But it all just makes me think about it more, and I know there isn't much time left. Kirby has been my friend for ages, my very best friend for a lot of those years. I'm getting a lump in my throat just telling you about him. And DH being angry about him does not help one bit.

My plan for Mother's day...

Well, Mother's Day is on Sunday, and even if I had money, it is very difficult to find any kind of present for my mom. Basically, either clothing or blankets....seeing as how she doesn't read, doesn't really understand movies or TV, can't work the remote control....doesn't play games and only listens to music on the radio. She does really like to go to the casino, but the only way I could bring her there would be if she paid for it, and then the Mother's Day thing is kind of lost.

A couple of restaurants in town are having special Mother's Day brunches on Sunday. But once again, I don't have the money for that.

So here's what I'm doing. I'm going to buy some eggs, sausage, bacon, and Bisquick. And I'm going to bring the griddle over to her place. And we (don't know if DH or DD will go, but for sure me and my mom) will have our own little Mother's Day Brunch, all you can eat :-)

For under $10.

No gift to open, no card that she can't read anyhow, but some time and good food. And she doesn't have to get stressed out about going anywhere, either.

Alzheimer's HBO Series

Hi everyone, I know this blog is mostly to do with bipolar, but, as most of you know, my mom has Alzheimer's, and it is heartbreaking. Anyhow, on Sunday, May 10, HBO is going to begin airing a documentary series on Alzheimer's. This is a big deal. It is also my understanding that some cable networks will allow access to the programs even if you don't subscribe to HBO. You will also be able to stream the programs or get them via NetFlix.

Here's a link where you can get more information. There are a lot of other Alzheimer's resources there, too.

The Alzheimer's Project

My hope is that if any of you have loved ones who are living with Alzheimer's, that you will find this information helpful. I am very anxious to see it, probably won't be able to until later next week, unfortunately....but....better late than never, right? I am expecting to learn a lot.

Happy Birthday to DH

Tomorrow is DH's birthday, he'll be 37 (yup, I'm older than him...)

Anyhow, I was browsing in the card shop--I really don't have money to buy him a present, but I thought maybe I'd get him a card...

I found a card. Here is what it says (honest!):

"Another birthday? Time to take the OLD GUY oath:
Raise your right hand and repeat the following:

I, (your name here), being of questionable mind and aging body, do solemnly declare myself an "OLD GUY" and am hereby officially permitted to:

Scratch my butt in public, drive forever with my left blinker on, pass gas on a crowded elevator, mumble incoherently to myself, snore like a chainsaw, wear hats, call all teenagers "stupid, little punks", constantly kvetch about my lower back, and fall asleep with absolutely no warning.

Signed (your name)"

Now you might be thinking, "ok, it's really a pretty stupid card". But in reality, with the exception of one or two of them, DH does them on a regular basis :-)
It really made me laugh. The DH I married would see the humor in it. "That Guy" would be hugely offended. Since I'm not sure which guy will be there for the birthday, I'm not sure if I'll give it to him or not....

But I had to share!

What do you think about Lithium in drinking water?

My attention was brought to this article from the BBC:

(Paraphrased) "A Japanese study suggests that the element Lithium in drinking water may reduce the risk of suicide". Hmmmm!!!

To me, that opens up all kinds of "what if"'s. I'm not sure what I think about it. On the one hand, suicide is bad, and although prior to DH being sick, I never understood how it could be a chemical "imbalance", I do now. It would be nice to find a way or ways to prevent more suicides, for sure.

But what about people already on Lithium?

And what about people who react badly to Lithium?

And shouldn't people be allowed to choose what they put into their bodies?

On the other OTHER hand, we've had fluoride added to drinking water for ages, and it seems to be an accepted fact of life now, for people who live in cities or towns. So what is different?

I'm truly not sure how I feel about this, but thought I'd bring it to all of yours' attention(s)!

Here's the link for you:

Click here for Lithium story