I don't know what to do. It's very alarming, on one level, but on other levels, it's not surprising at all....but I never in a thousand years, ever imagined that I would feel this way.
I feel numb. About DH. I really just don't care right now, and I'm very shocked.
I don't care if he takes his stupid meds on time, I don't care if he gets out of bed, I don't care if I have to do 8 loads of laundry all by myself even though he was home all day....and I don't care if he's out of pop or cigs or if his back hurts.
He told me he loved me today, and I thought to myself, "yeah, that's nice".
And there's a little voice inside me making snide comments every time DH says anything. I just don't feel much of anything....disgust, and then nothing. Is this why marriages end? I don't want to spend time with him. I don't want to talk to him. All he thinks about is DH all the time anyhow.
Tonite he's angry again because his mom is at the casino and didn't invite him, although he (according to DH) had been looking forward to it all day. Big whoop. I'm working.
And he's angry with Kirby again, too. I know I've got to find a solution for Kirby. But I also know that he isn't doing it on purpose, he just needs to go out virtually every time you can think of it. I don't think he has more than a month or two, at most...but I don't think it's time yet....maybe....? And DH doesn't get it and gets mad. As long as he doesn't physically do anything to the animals (and he never has ever...) I don't care if he's mad. Too bad for him.
Numb, I tell you.
I keep thinking that he needs to go to his mom's for a while. But I'm afraid that he'll become suicidal if I ask him to. I'm also fantasizing about going and staying in a motel for the next couple of days, but it couldn't be too far away, because I've got to make sure the animals get taken care of.
I just want a different life. Same pets, different husband, different house, etc...
Monday, May 11, 2009
Numb.
Posted by Carol at 4:43 AM
Labels: "That Guy", bipolar, divorce, dogs, marriage, mental illness, suicide
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8 comments:
I don't have any advice, Carol.
But clearly, you are suffering from burn-out.
Do you have a counselor? Given all that you have to deal with, your feelings are no surprise.
Take care
I sympathize with you, Carol. I've thought for a long time that it would be a good idea for you to send DH to his mother for awhile. You need a break from him.
You are not responsible for his moods. You've done everything you possibly can do for him and you can't fix him. Neither did you cause him to become the way he is. If he threatens suicide in the event you ask for a separation that's his business. He's draining the life out of you and that's not right. I don't care how depressed he is and how much his back hurts he can take the dog out and do the laundry. He chooses not to.
Every time I read one of your posts about his selfish, pouting, angry, childish behavior I get furious. And when I think about him stealing your gold dollars I want to slug him. He needs to let you have some peace for awhile. Telling you he loves you means nothing. Talk is cheap.
I do feel your pain. I used to be with someone who was self-absorbed and it was sooooo stressful. I ended up leaving, it was too much. I used to actually GO STAY at a HOTEL just like you said. It would kill him cause he never knew exactly where I was. I hope you feel better soon, I know its tough.
You clearly need a break. DH does have an illness no question. DH also knows you love him and that gives him the power to emotionally blackmail you even if it isn't a conscious choice on his part. You can not be afraid of letting him know how you feel or things keep getting worse. He needs to know that without blame your feelings are your own and you need to figure out how to handle them. You can't let the fear of him threating suicide stop you. Even then the end result may not be what you want but you did what you had to for yourself, DH and your marriage.
Therapy for you, for him and together would be great but I understand how hard that would be for you to even arrange right now. It may come down to a make or break choice for DH, not you. He either goes to therapy or.....whatever consequence you choose. Be it divorce, seperation or what have you.
I read today that one of the best things a parent can do for their kids is get a sitter once and a while when you are getting overwhelmed so you can get away. Why not with DH? Maybe not a sitter per se but doing the getting away part to recharge your emotional batteries. You should not have to leave your home when you have a daughter and animals to care for. I don't envy the choice you will have to make. Just follow your heart.
Carol - You do need to take care of yourself. Now that I have better perspective and am feeling better, I would NOT want to drag down Mr. Dreamer with me. I would hope he would take care of me, by first taking care of himself.
Yes, you are loyal, yes you made a commitment to your husband, but you can't let yourself get to the point where you are losing yourself.
Please take care of yourself.
You are almost at the end. when you start feeling the "nothing" you talk of, it is almost over.
I really hope that you can find someone to talk to, be it a help line or a therapy line or something, as you cannot carry on doing this all by yourself.
You are losing YOU.
I think its time that you put you first before you lose it completely.
Send him to his mother. It isn't selfish, and for once you need to focus on getting what you need.
Suicide and all this emtional blackmail.....at the end of the dayhe is an adult and must take some sort of responsibility for his own life and if he can't then his mother needs to take the reigns now.
I got divorced a few years ago and the numbness you speak of meant that I was just a little closer to walking away. One day I woke up and it was just over.
The guilt was gone and the trying was gone. The residual sadness stays, but it is manageable, as I just knew. It was gone.
i really hope that this is what it means for you too. Sad, always sad to see the end of anything that you have invested so much time and effort into, but there comes a time when there is just no other way.
Either way, know that we (the cyber followers) think of you every day and I wish I could do something more than these posts to help out.
Carol, I agree with Karen...if you have begun to feel that 'nothing' feeling, it is almost over. I felt it with my first dh after several years of mental AND physical abuse...I just felt nothing for him anymore.
Marriage is supposed to be about two living as one...but if one of the two has become the dominant one, it is not an equal/righteous relationship. Unfortunately, your dh has become the dominant one, because his actions are destroying your peace, and your marriage is no longer on equal footing, and really has no future.
I'm praying for you.
Hi,
I would like to ask if you can help me with my Mental Health Month project by linking to my cartoon-a-thon. If you can post about a few cartoons at my Mental Health Month site. You are free to use any cartoon you like on your blog.
http://mentalhealthcartoons.com
All the posts will be linked on my main page at the bottom. Just let me know the url
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