Thursday, May 14, 2009


Well, I wanted to thank everyone who commented on my last post. I sat with tears streaming down my face, being so grateful to all of you....really.

And I know that everything you all said was very true. It's very confusing for me, because if it weren't for the mental illness, I would have made my decisions long ago. But the mental illness clouds my thoughts, as if DH had cancer, or even if he had a stroke or something, I could not imagine leaving him....

There is a lady that I work with at my full time job. She's in her mid-50's, and two years ago, her husband had a stroke. He's recovered fairly well physically, but she says, "He's not the same person I married. He's a lot more angry. His personality changed. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it." I have not told her about DH, because I don't like to share my personal life with my coworkers much. But I can so much relate to her.

And then there's the fact that he was "normal" when I met him. He was "normal" for years after I met him, years after we married. And there's that stubborn, stupid little part of me that says "well, it's not like a stroke, he was normal once, we can get him normal again." And despite the fact that I am getting sucked into this abyss, I don't want to stop trying.

I've found myself being more direct with him. Yesterday I told him that I was angry because there was so much to do around the house and I didn't have the time or the ability to get it all done. I didn't point fingers any more than that....just called his attention to the fact that I am angry. I'm angry about a lot more things than just the condition of the house, but it would not benefit me to bring those things up right now.

Most of the time, I've been pondering the things that you all said, and imagining me sitting down with him and just saying, "Look. I'm afraid that if you aren't able to pull a little weight around here, that our marriage is going to be destroyed. So I'm telling you, in case you have any control over this stuff, so that you might have a chance to change that." I would be comfortable having this conversation with my DH, as long as "That Guy" was gone for the day. I still need to muster up some nerve, though, for sure.


Mrs. Dreamer said...

Carol - You owe it to yourself and your marriage to speak honestly and openly about what is on your mind.

I am confused reading your posts why you don't just say what you are thinking to DH? You are not being mean-spirited or selfish for being the real you to your husband.

Sigh. I know, easy for me to type in the comfort of my terrific marriage. I can tell Mr. Dreamer anything. Even if it's just venting and I'm ticked about the lack of remodel progress or whatever.

Anyhow. I am just thinking about you.

Karen said...

Am so glad that you are thinking about laying the cards on the table. I think once you have done this, that you will feel a little more in control, so I hope that you can muster up the courage soon as you really do deserve so much better than what you now sit with.

DogAteMyFinances said...

I'm so sorry, this is so hard. I'm just a newlywed, and I don't have a solution either.

My own emotional reactions to just the blog version have made me really wonder what marriage means to me.

I don't know if mental health is like a stroke or if it's more like putting on 100 lbs. As I read this blog, I have really been thinking about when (ever?) you can walk out of a marriage.

But that is a different question than whether you can express what you feel. If you can't tell the truth to your husband, what kind of marriage is that, anyway?

perphila said...

I think one of the hardest things to come to accept with this illness is that even if and when DH becomes stable he will never he the "normal" he was before. He can be happy and prodcutive and be a family contributer just not quite the person you used to know. Who would be anyway after such a life changing event? I have asked myself the same things about my husband. Where did he go? Who is this person? Is THIS the real him? Was he trying so hard all these years to be "normal" and finally couldn't take it anymore and broke? When he told me he couldn't live up to "my expectations" anymore was this my fault? I know it isn't. Still those questions ring in the mind sometimes late at night. Now, I suppose for me it doesn't matter anymore. You have a chance. I think taking the risk and being open and honest will help YOU in the long run with dealing with your own anger. If anyone can express themselves in a non-combative way it's you. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are about to do and it's very scary. When you do have that talk remember you have people who support both of you.

Story of our Life said...

I agree 110% with Mrs. Dreamer.

It is is sooo hard. I know first hand from both sides of this ugly disease.

Hang in there!!


Miz Kizzle said...

Your situation seems similar to that of a person who is married to an alcoholic in the respect that it is the disease that makes you angry and frustrated, not the person himself. That's why I suggested you might get something out of attending Al-Anon meetings.
I don't know exactly why you hesitate to speak frankly to your husband about your feelings. He seems to have no hesitation to share his feelings with you.
You say you're not afraid that he will harm you, but you seem fearful of "That Guy" making an appearance. I'm not sure if you're concerned that speaking frankly will cause him to harm himself or what, but it's clear that you can't go on living the way you have been. I've been married for 26 years and I'm the last one to counsel divorce. I do, however, thing you need a break to gather your strength and consider your options. That's why I suggested sending your husband to stay with his mother for awhile. Your husband might also benefit from a change of scenery.
You've gotten into an unhealthy rut through no fault of your own and your husband is more like a sick child than a marriage partner. That's no good for either of you.

Pann said...


It may help to write down some of your main points on a 3X5 card, and just have that with you to look at if you do try to sit down and talk with him.

I hope you can let some feelings show, because it's clearly hurting you to hold back.
I feel for you!