Monday, June 23, 2008

Bipolar Trade-off

Well, I've spent the last year and a half or so, hoping and praying that he would be well enough to work again. How big the changes would be for me! But here I am and although he's working and has even given me some money, it's been kind of a trade-off, because since he's started working, he's not been in a very good mood. He isn't talking to me like I had been getting used to again, and he's so tired and dehydrated from working that he isn't doing anything else at all. Last night, on my way home from work, I bought a 50 lb bag of dog food and left it in the car for him to unload when he got up today. I told him that I did that and he said he'd do it "later". It has been a normal expectation that he brings heavy stuff like that into the house, and sometimes the "old DH" really didn't like it when I'd try to do it myself. But I knew he didn't do it, and now he's called me at work to tell me that he didn't have enough dog food to feed everyone tonite. And it took virtually every little scrap of self control for me to not say something snotty. I figure he really did know that he messed up, why should I remind him, too? Except I really wanted to.

Now tomorrow he'll be gone again, and I need to clean the house before 3pm because DD's new pca is coming to meet us and I'd rather not have her first impression be of a mess. So instead of sleeping tomorrow, I will have to stay up and clean. Ok, so some of this is just whining, but it seems like, the part of DH that started to come back once he started the Lithium, has been soaked up by his work and his fatigue, and once again I'm back to "single mom" status, with JIM still living on the couch, and my DH is gone again. It's a trade-off, I guess, because right now apparently having them both (a DH who communicates with me and a DH who works) is not a reasonable expectation.


simonsays said...

Since I have zero experience with this disease, I have little to offer you, but I must say, I like your blog and the way you write. I can tell you are a very strong woman, and I urge you to keep on keepin' on, although maybe you need a little (outside) support? Maybe a therapist of your own? You have alot to handle and I know how heavy the burden of being the "one" in the family can be. I hope that it is temporary and that your life can get back on an even keel.

Thanks for stopping by my blog! :)

Amanda said...

You know... I never thought I would run into a blog that mentions "bipolar," "special needs child" and "economics" in the same paragraph.

Other than my own, I mean! :D

Do you stock-trade too?

I've added you to my favorites and I'm looking forward to getting to know you all better. :)

perphila said...

I guess it's trying to remember that it is all baby steps and things will never be quite the same as "before". Still, not be catty when it was so tempting to do so deserves a pat on the back. I know how hard it is to want to say something. I need to improve on that myself. You know, I agree that a lot of people don't understand how someone can be married and still be for all intents and purposes a "single mom". I know I am and have been for longer than I even realized or accepted myself despite being married. You are ahead of the curve!