Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sometimes I don't know what to think.

Well, I've been working, and today was the day DH was supposed to see both his therapist and the nurse practitioner who prescribes his meds. Since I forgot to leave the copay money with him, I told him that I would allow him to write out a check from my checkbook so that he wouldn't have to miss therapy. He said "Ok, we'll talk about that later."

Then, I must've asked him three times if he knew what time his other appointment (with the NP) was and he had no idea. But he didn't call, he just decided not to go. So when I called him at 4pm, he was in bed again. Right away I started (in my mind) doing the "oh no, here we go again," thing, and then he told me that he had forgotten that I had said he could write out a check, so he hadn't gone to therapy either. Sometimes I just feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do and I am stuck with all of this for the time being.

I can't leave, even if I wanted to, because nobody would buy our house, and if someone was that crazy, they wouldn't pay what we owe on it :-( Plus, where can you move to with 6 dogs, 10 cats, 2 bunnies and all the chickens and ducks too? At least until attrition changes the numbers, I am going to be stuck here for the time being. When I commit to an animal (or a human, I guess, LOL), it's a lifetime thing, so "getting rid of them" isn't an option.

Anyhow, those were the thoughts going through my mind, and then DH called me and he was in a good mood. Still in bed, but pretty cheerful. Three months ago, i would've killed to just have him be cheerful. So am I expecting too much when I want him to get up and be productive? I don't know. I think for the first thing, though, I really need to work on this feeling sorry for myself, Poor Carol, look at how she suffers! Ok. That's got to stop. I've always been one of those people who can't stand to listen to others complain and complain about a situation and not do anything to make things better. This is the first time ever where I've really felt like things are out of my hands, and I don't like how "things" are. And I want to complain, because although I can see light at the end of the tunnel, it's just a little pinprick of light, and it's probably like 5 years away. I know other people have marriages like this, I don't know how they do it, I really don't. Lately I've been wondering if maybe I should file bankruptcy with DH, just to get all these bills off my back. But that's silly, because I've ALWAYS paid my bills and that feels like cheating for me. But it sure would be easier....not so much work, not so much worry....but it seems like I can do this myself somehow....I know others have...

What a ramble of self-pity, huh? This isn't what I signed up for. We were going to have a nice house in the country, live happily ever after. We'd have some conflicts, but nothing some communication wouldn't fix....and then we'd die of old age. That's what I signed up for....I don't know how I got in the wrong line.


Anonymous said...

Sounds like you need to get some therapy yourself to help you to deal with your role in the family and the pressure this is putting on you. Remember, you do have choices, others will take your animals, someone might buy your house...you did. Sometimes taking a risk looks hard but can be the best thing that ever happens. I guess you need to be ready for that and that can be the hardest part of the journey. Good luck

Carol said...

Hi, thank you for the comment. I probably do need some kind of therapy, however, there is not enough time to do that right now. I wish there was. So in a sense, this blog is my therapy, it's my way of expressing what's going on in my mind in a safe way without making any drastic choices while things are in such turmoil.

I honestly don't mean to be one of those people I hate, who shoot down every attempt to help them, but I'm not sure if you read the post about us owing at least $10,000 more on the house than it is appraised at? Just a week or two ago? So basically, if someone did want the house, I'd have to cough up an extra $10,000 to get out of the mortgage. And that's not even within the realm of possibility. So my only option with the house is leave and let it get foreclosed on. And I'm not that kind of person. I signed the papers to pay for that house and I gave my word. So I'm stuck unless I win the lottery.

(And the animals stay with me. No matter what). When I took them on, I promised to care for them and love them. We've been there for each other. Sometimes the love of my animals is all I feel like I have to keep me going. And I won't send them off just because it's convenient. They're my family. I know other people don't feel the same way I do, but there are certain rules that bind my heart. If I left DH, yes, he would probably be able to survive. But quite a few of my animals probably would not, if I left them in the care of someone else. Since a number of them are elderly, I will wait for attrition.

I do appreciate your comment, I don't want you to think that I'm not paying attention--you're very right about the risks appearing hard but being the best thing that happens, but I don't think that right now, when things are (on occasion) starting to seem better, would be good timing for me to make a major life decision, no matter what I feel like on a "bad" day.

Thanks again for commenting, though, even though I don't feel I can take your advice right now, I do give it careful consideration more often than you think.