Sunday, January 20, 2008

Today I took my ring off.

I guess a lot of people reading this are going to say "you should've known better, how many times does it take for you to learn?" I guess I'm a slow learner.

I got home from work this morning at 7am. I think I've mentioned before that on Thursday nights I sleep over in the city, because it doesn't make sense to drive for two hours, sleep for 4 hours, take care of all the animals, etc., then drive for 2 more hours, when I could rent a room for the same price as gas, and sleep for a full 8 hours...so anyhow, I don't come home after work on Thursdays.

So I had been gone for pretty much two days. I walked in the door, the garbage was overflowing, and virtually every single dish in the house had been used. The animals' food and water bowls were empty, and there were pop cans everywhere. I reminded myself to "lower my expectations" and so I wasn't in too bad of a mood. I went into the bedroom. There's snack wrappers, pop cans, and other garbage all over the room. It's disgusting. But what really got me was there was DH, snoozing away, without his CPAP machine. It made me upset that not only could he not do one darn thing to help me out in two days, but he wasn't doing what he needed to do to work on getting better, either. I set my alarm for 9:30 so that I could wake him up for Spenders, because I knew he wouldn't. I was already dreading trying to wake him up, because I knew he had been up until 4 am playing the Sims game.

When 9:30 came, I was very groggy after only 2 1/2 hours of sleep, but I woke him up. And he fell back asleep. So I woke him up again. Same thing. Then I really started to get crabby. It's not like he didn't know he was going to have to get up this morning, Spenders is every week. Then he had excuses again, just like that other time. I wouldn't let it drop, though, because we had that agreement that while he was at Spenders he was going to sell the gun.

I went out into the living room to get my credit card back. Surprise, surprise, he had taken $40 more than I told him to. I couldn't believe it and I could. I want so much to be able to trust him with something like that. And after I came up with money I couldn't afford to spend, to fix a problem that I warned him not to do in the first place, he wasn't willing or able to hold up his end of the bargain. I can't describe how I felt at this point. I started to get dressed, because I would sell that gun and get my money back, if he wasn't going to. When he realized what I was doing, he got really angry, kind of like a repeat of that other day when I tried to get him up for Spenders, and he jumped out of bed, started slamming things around, and stormed out the door with the gun. Jim sleepily followed him. They drove off.

I went back to sleep. I was beyond angry. I think what I was feeling was more like a big sigh, like there just was no point in trying any more. I was so fed up. About two hours later, he called and angrily told me he was just about out of gas, and implying that somehow that was my fault (of course it is). I started to ask him where he was and he hung up on me. So I got up, grabbed a gas can and left to help. I called him from the gas station, and told him that I was bringing gas, and he told me that he "found three dollars in his pocket" and didn't need any. And hung up on me again. At this point I went back home, took my ring off, and argued with dd for a while about why I didn't think she should stay overnight with her bio mom. Then I went out to duck and cluck (feed the ducks and chickens) and I guess as soon as I went outside, DD was trying to get her bio mom to argue with me, too. I guess it was just an "argue with Carol" day.

I put my foot down with dd, told her she could go for three hours and that was my final offer, she took that. After I dropped her off at her bio mom's, I had to go and set up my mom's pills for the week, and when I got there, her toilet was overflowing, so she was in a tizzy, too. But the "helper" came and fixed it quickly, so there really was no problem.....but then I stayed and put the bathroom rugs in the wash, and I put on Lawrence Welk, and then Andy Griffith, to help her calm down. Then I went home again.

When I got home, Jim was getting something out of his car, I asked him if he was ok, and he said yeah, he was just getting some change(?). I don't know what DH has told him, but I suppose that even if he thinks DH is being stupid, as a good friend, he'll try to help....DH said "I'm leaving, your cell phone is on the counter." (because I bought the cell phone for him, and of course I pay the bill). So I just said, "ok, bye."

I don't think that was the response he was hoping to get from me, but I am so sick of the arguing and trying to get him to do smart things, I just didn't care at that moment, whether he ever came back, as long as Jim was with him to make sure he was safe. So they drove off, and about 5 minutes later came back, DH took some of his pills. He asked me, in an insolent tone, "Do you wanna talk?" and I said "No, I don't want to talk to "that guy", I'll wait until DH shows back up."
He said, "I AM DH!" And I said "no you're not."

So they left again. And I went and picked up dd and told her I wasn't sure if Dad would be coming home or not, but I suspect he'll be back as soon as he's sure I've gone to work. I keep thinking about how much easier things would be if he stayed someplace else for a few weeks. But I've wished that before, and it doesn't happen.

It's become clear that I am going to need to be assertive with him, if he wants this marriage to continue. I am going to need to make some rules, and he is going to have to follow them, whether he thinks I'm a big meanie or whatever.

It's just so hard for me to do this to my DH, who I love and respect so much. In our "normal" marriage, I would never ever have dreamed of giving him ultimatums, or telling him he has to "do this, or else". That's not me. I have always wanted a partnership where I didn't have to be like that ever. That was how the first 5 or 6 years of our marriage were. Where I could say "I wish things were like this" and he would say "Well, let's figure out a way to do that, then".

And he would say "this is important to me." "Can we make it work?" And I would work hard to compromise. We never argued. We would disagree sometimes, but we never argued, we would just find a way to keep us both mostly happy. It just pains me so much to think about turning this marriage into a dictatorship. I don't know if I can do it.

On a related note, dd's therapist has been urging me for some time to have Social Services assign DH a caseworker to take some of the stress off of me. I've been resisting, telling myself that he is getting better, and he's not so bad that he needs that kind of help....but I'm sad to say, I think it's finally come to that point.

I'll put my ring on again eventually. But not today.


Pann said...

Carol... oh this is so hard.

You are doing so much to try to hold your family together, and you are up against a really difficult situation.

I wish I had some magic spell that you could use to make DH better, or ease your load, or anything.

I'll be thinking of you.

Pann said...

hey - haven't heard any updates lately. I hope everything is ok.