Sunday, January 27, 2008

If only things could stay this way!

"That Guy" is still missing in action. Today DH got up an hour early so that he wouldn't miss his Spenders meeting. When he got home, once again, he told me how happy he was that he had gone to the meeting, as he had forced himself to see that he had put his own selfishness and greed above virtually every relationship that he has--he owes money to everybody who knows him at all, hasn't paid anyone back, has lied to me, lied to his mom, and pawned his brother's gun, and he told me that when he looked at his behavior from the outside, he could see that he had become someone he wasn't proud of, and wouldn't want to be friends with. I'm not really sure how monumental this realization is, because to me it just sounds like he's feeling bad about the things that he's done, which is not only not the point, but feeling bad about those things is not something new.

DH has felt bad and remorseful (after the fact) about everything that's happened with his bipolar illness. I think that contributes to a lot of his depression, the fact that he's done a lot of unbelievably selfish things and he doesn't understand his behavior when he is "somewhat stable".

I don't really want him to feel bad about anything. I do want him to recognize what has happened and hopefully learn some skills so that those things don't happen again. And I know that he will feel bad as he examines his behavior, but that is certainly not the goal. So, even though DH thinks he had some kind of a breakthrough at Spenders, I'm not sure that it's really that big of a deal.

But I have to say this: When he comes home from Spenders, he is ALWAYS DH. "That Guy", if he does go to Spenders, never comes home from there. In other words, the Spenders meetings seem to help DH to think more rationally and more like a stable person. And that in itself is worth every minute of those meetings, even if he doesn't get anything else out of it.

I also told him that if the job isn't "happening" right now, that he needs to find a volunteer job. One that's structured, where they will say "You start at 8am and get done at noon." That way, even if it's only once or twice a week, he'd have something to get out of bed for, to feel productive again, even if there's no paycheck. And today, while "That Guy" was on vacation, DH thought it was a great idea, and even said that he thinks he will volunteer "until" he finds a paying job.

But I'm sure "That Guy" won't agree, when he gets back from wherever he went.