When the psychologist doesn't like you

I have posted before about how DH says that lately his psychologist seems to ask him a lot of questions about me and not too much about DH. Well, today, DH went to his psychiatrist who basically told him, "the medicines are doing what they're supposed to, but you're flunking in the therapy department." She gave him a list of things he is supposed to work on with his therapist.

DH told me that he feels as if ever since he talked to his therapist about how he stole the gold dollars from me, his therapist's attitude towards him has changed. He feels that his therapist doesn't like him any more, and he feels that there is no longer a bond between them. He also still thinks that the therapist has the "hots" for me, which to DH, explains all the questions that the therapist asks about me. I'm pretty sure that's not the case, but I suppose its possible. I tend to kind of think that there's just more to it than DH is picking up on, maybe there's a therapeutic reason for the questions, but maybe not. Regardless, DH has been coming home from therapy saying that the therapist cut the visit short by a half hour, or that all they did was talk about me, and nothing about DH. I'm not sure what to advise here, but I guess that no matter what the real truth is about the situation, DH needs to have a therapist that he feels comfortable with, who doesn't "have the hots" for his wife, and who wants to spend time tackling the real issues, so that he isn't "flunking" therapy any more.

It's kind of a weird situation though, because we don't know what the psychologist is actually doing and maybe he has good reasons for what he is doing. But I kind of think that if DH or I questioned him, that if he truly doesn't like DH, then he would probably get defensive.

The trick is, getting DH to take the initiative to make a change. It's been months since he's decided to file for bankruptcy, and that's not going anywhere...I hope he makes a change soon, because if he doesn't feel like he's getting much out of therapy any more, then something needs to change for sure.

Bipolar priorities

One of the ways I know DH is still not back to "normal", even on his "good" days is that he has absolutely no idea what his priorities should be. And even when he does know that something's important, usually its not important enough to end up on his radar screen.

Take those bankruptcy forms. They make me want to scream. He has been "gonna" file bankruptcy since May of this year. I've probably mentioned that before. The first attorney he talked to instructed him to use a Credit Counseling service (you have to do that before you file bankruptcy) and that would cost $75. I did have the money at the time, but I felt (mind you, this was back in May, when he still had a job) that it was his responsibility to take care of that. (Yayy for me not enabling him, right?) Well, he never did it.

So in August, he called a different attorney, who sent him a bunch of forms to fill out, with questions like "do you own your own home?" "List your debts and the addresses of those companies". You know, stuff you would expect for filing bankruptcy. (By the way, in MN he is allowed to file bankruptcy without me, so presumably, if he ever did it, my credit would be relatively unscathed)...Anyhow, at least once a week there is some kind of drama at our house involving a bill collector. Lately they've been calling him and telling him that they're going to put a lien on our house. Now based on what I've been able to find out, they can't do that without going to court. But I have been wrong before and would very much hate to be wrong here. Every time this one company calls our house, DH gets all upset about it, then he gets depressed about it, because he is "such a piece of sh**" and then he gets suicidal. At least once a week.

And that's not even mentioning the people who call regarding the bad checks he's written. And the bank accounts that have been closed due to the bad checks. We get a lot of calls. He owes a lot of people a lot of money.

I am also aware that by filing bankruptcy, the calls from the bill collectors would stop. Not only that, but if things work out like I'm thinking they probably will, they won't be able to put a lien on the house, either.

So it would seem to me, as a rational thinking person, that those forms should take top priority, right? It would end a lot of worry and pain for all involved. But I have been "reminding" him to fill out the forms since August. And they still aren't done. A couple of months ago, he promised me he would do them. Tonite, he told me "it's gonna take a while, there's a lot of pages."

I told him, "It should be your job. It is going to pay off. If you can have a reasonable expectation that you will eventually be working for 8 hours a day, and you are physically capable of doing that so that you can get paid, then spending an hour or two filling out forms that are ultimately going to save you $40,000-$50,000 should really be a no-brainer."

So then he pretended like he was suddenly drowsy, you know, with that groggy, half-asleep voice, so I told him I'd just talk to him some other time. Yes, I'm angry, but I don't know how much is "lazy" and how much is "bipolar" and how to tell the difference.

I fear I am going to have to give him an ultimatum, because if he can't fill those damn forms out, well, I sure can, but if I have to fill them out, I'll probably have to be appointed his guardian or power of attorney or whatever....and that won't go over well either. This is the kind of logic (or lack thereof) that I encounter daily. And I struggle with "should I do what I probably should be doing, at risk of making him hugely hurt and angry?" or "should I just hope he gets well enough or is well enough to take care of these things himself...." It's very easy to select the second option, the easy way out. After all, that's how it used to be...

How much bipolar can be a joke?

I just wanted to make a brief statement about something that happened earlier. DH and Jim and Jason had finished hunting, and DH's friends were sitting in the living room. DH had retreated to his (our) room for a while, then he came out to the living room. I was there too.

He gives me a hug and says this: "Sweetie, you can tell Jim now that we won't be his friends until he comes up with more money. So when he gets paid again, we'll be his friends."

I said "speak for yourself". I didn't even want to joke about it, because it was too close to what I perceive as DH's truth--he is still desperately seeking ways to spend money, whether it's his or not.

Then he said, "and Jason doesn't get paid until Friday, so he'll have to wait until then, too."

Jim and Jason just kind of laughed it off uncomfortably. I got kind of scared, though, because it was one of those things, you know, where people joke about something, then say "just kidding" but you know there's some truth in what they said??? I know his friends aren't idiots, they've GOT TO feel taken advantage of. They've both spent huge amounts "helping" DH out. And he always "needs" more.

So then I said, "Well its a good thing you don't have a clue when I get paid, then". And his friends started giving him crap about that, how his own wife won't tell him when she gets paid, but I honestly said it to point out to them that DH right now will just take advantage of anyone, and I am not excluded from that group, and I am trying hard not to be a part of the "taking advantage" thing. The chicken/duck house, that Jim is building, I never asked for that, and every time he asked me for specifics, like "how big do you want this or that", I keep telling him he doesn't have to do anything at all, because it's not his responsibility.

I told Jim that I wouldn't care if he just showed up and slept on the couch for a month, he's a good friend and I have no expectations. I'm rather honored that he wants to spend his "time off" at our place. I sure wouldn't! I didn't tell him that, I never say anything snide about DH behind his back, although sometimes I really really want to...sometimes I just want everyone to know that I'm not enjoying this, that although I'm still in the marriage and although I still love DH, I don't approve of things any more than the next person. Sometimes I just want to gripe. LOL, I guess that's why I started this blog!!!

Did I tell you that Jim spent ALL of the money he had saved??? And he spent most of it on DH and some of it on the chicken house. DH's shoes, boots, cigarettes, snacks, pop, gas, all sorts of stuff I can't afford to do in the way DH
"needs". (DH 'needs' to drink at least a 12 pack of Coke a day. Generic won't do. And he needs at least a pack of Marlboro Lights every day. Generic won't do. Too bad for him, if I have to support these "needs", he'll deal with generic. I just wondered in passing about what he'd do if I didn't buy him any pop or cigs. (because that's enabling him) Probably steal something else from me. Sigh.)

Anyhow, so basically, DH (and I, apparently, by way of the chicken house that I didn't ask for but am excited about), have bled Jim dry. Jim does have a substantial tax refund coming, at least $10,000. But he has been told that it won't arrive for 10-12 weeks. In the meantime, Jim has no money for rent anyplace else, or anything like that. So now Jim has to get a job and stay with us for another THREE MONTHS. (that's a whole 'nother post, of course--I told you that I abhor having company, right?) The prospect of having company for THREE MORE MONTHS is daunting. But Jim has done so much for me and DH that there is no way I can do anything but welcome him with open arms....at the very least, I know with Jim around, SOMEONE will do the manly stuff.

Anyhow, the point of this post was that I'm scared that DH's joking is too close to the truth, and he will end up losing both Jim and Jason for spending all the money they have and making light of it. And they are both good friends. And good friends are hard to find and more painful to lose.

I wish there was some way I could explain to DH that humility is better. And if Jason goes to the store, it would be better to just say "I'll make do with what we have at home" than to throw things in the cart, same with Jim. And then if they still want to buy him something, well, so be it, but I know that most of the time that isn't the case. But it's the bipolar, I guess, as DH used to know these things and now he seems to have forgotten them for the most part.

A tangent about my brother.

By the way, nobody got a deer yet...DH really didn't do a lot of hunting, he kept coming in to take a nap and watch TV...but even Jason, who is pretty dedicated and will sit out in the stand all day didn't get one yet. But the season's still young....Last year he got two and so we got a deer and a half from him--he lives in a small apartment and only had room for a little meat....

My brother was up visiting my mom (she's now in the rehab unit of the nursing home here in town) and he said he just could not understand why people eat venison when they work so hard to make it not taste "wild" or "gamey". I tried to explain to him that beef can cost $2 or $3 a pound unless you find a sale and stock up, and venison is almost free, although you do pay for the hunting license and the freezer paper and such...it's very comforting to know that we have a freezer full of meat, even if I have to be a little more creative in how I use it.

My brother has lived a very very "sheltered" life, where everything has gone right for him, and he has never had a reason to struggle. That is changing, though, because while he and his wife make over $140,000 (not a typo) a year, they are currently spending over $2000 a month (again not a typo) on daycare for their two little boys. That in itself has been an adjustment, because it pretty much eats up my sister in law's entire income. (I know you're saying, if that's the case, wouldn't it be better to stay home with the kids? But with them that's not how it works, apparently--at least yet) My brother has complained about suddenly not having all the "fun money" they used to have. And my brother, who is an IT professional, is probably going to lose his job in the next month or two, the writing is on the wall. His company has been bought out, and all of the people he supports and works with have already received their pink slips and the new company is discontinuing the system that he is the expert on. And you can't just walk down to WalMart and fill out an application for a $100,000 a year job.....there aren't too many of them, and I can imagine the competition is very high!

I did find him a job via the Internet that sounded exactly like what he told me he did. He opted not to send them a resume because the job was 40 miles away. He doesn't want to drive that far. (Keep in mind that my commute to a job I hate is 90 miles one way!). I am very different from my brother in that way. I learned early the things that he won't be learning until probably next year. Today I made a pot of chili, it fed 6 people, including 4 hungry men, there was a little left over. And the total cost was about $4.00 for the whole meal (yes I used venison and a little ground beef, too), including corn bread. That is not something my brother or his wife has learned to do yet (challenge themselves to see how cheaply they can still eat well). And it will be painful, because he has farther to fall....after all, if I lost both of my jobs and had to work for $10 an hour, well, I could probably make up the difference in the gas I spend on my commute. But if he ends up having to work for $10 an hour, it's going to be a major lifestyle change. Not just an adjustment, but a complete change.

I do like my brother. I also like his wife, for the most part, although sometimes she acts like she's "all that", deep down, she's pretty nice. I'm finding out more every day how alike we (my brother and I) really are in a lot of ways. Sometimes it seems like we think the same thoughts even. But he got the "easy road" for the years out of school, and I didn't quite turn on the right street. That's not a complaint, just the way things happened. Sometimes I hear him talk and I just think to myself "boy, have you got a lot to learn!". It feels kind of weird to me, because he's done so much better than me by all standards that society looks at, but when it comes to dealing with troubles, it's been pretty easy for him so far. But that is what life's all about, right? We all have different things to learn.

(I probably would have a lot to learn about living on $140,000 a year, too!) (I'd sure like to find out!) You know, for all the struggles, I am grateful for them because I am much wiser -- I had to be. Necessity is the mother of invention, they say....? Brokeness is the mother of frugality!!!!

The spending continues

Well, tomorrow is deer hunting opener, there's way too many people at my house right now, and I'm not even there but I'm extremely stressed out. It's bad enough to have a ton of people there when DH is well, I hate it even then, but now it's kind of morphed into this "how much work can I do to make DH's friends forget that something's wrong, or maybe they just won't notice".....I'm trying to plan meals and keep things clean and of course the animals aren't getting fed because it's Friday, so who knows what they think about that, but realistically I just try to make sure everyone has extra "Friday food" because I know that even if I called him and asked him twenty times to feed the animals, they wouldn't get fed.

Anyhow, DH drove to get Jason tonite, and Jason gave him $20 for gas. DH promptly went to the grocery store and bought a bunch of stuff we didn't need, including Pop Tarts(!) and cookies.
When he told me that, I didn't know what to say, because if I say something like " you shouldn't have spent that money" then I'm bringing him down. And he gets all down on himself "I'm a piece of crap, you'd be better off without me" etc. But I sure as heck can't say anything like "Oh wow!!! We were running low on Pop Tarts!!!!" I wish I knew how to deal with this spending. You knwo what he said when I didn't seem all that excited about all the stuff he bought???

"It's free money anyhow".

From a guy with no job, no bank account, no money. Can you see that something's wrong here? I sure can. But I don't know what to do about it. I think I need to bring this up with DH's therapist.

Or maybe we need marriage counseling or something. Maybe I just complain too much and should just shut up.

Tragedy in the chicken house

This is my favorite rooster, Bill. He thinks that I am his personal "human" and follows me everywhere. He loves to be picked up and carried around, too. Sometimes if he doesn't think he's getting enough attention from me, he bites the back of my leg!

Right now we have about 40 chickens. All of them sleep on roosts in their house except 6 "babies" who actually don't look like babies any more, just smaller versions of chickens, they "roost" on the floor still. I love them all, they're so entertaining....and of course the "free" eggs are nice, too (we don't slaughter the chickens, I love them too much!)....I think I mentioned that DH's friend Jim is building new quarters for the chickens....but right now they are staying in a rather small tool shed (think large outhouse) where their door is a little hatch that I open when I get up and close before I go to bed. When I close up for the night, I always do a "beak count" to make sure nothing's out of sorts...

Anyhow, last night Jim mentioned that he saw some of the babies "out and about" well after dark. That's unusual, because they usually go to bed when the sun goes down. But I didn't think much of it, because it seems like the young ones really do sometimes like to stay out late...anyhow, when I went to close up the chicken house, one of the babies was sitting half in and half out of the chicken house door. Weird. And when I opened the door, one of the "babies" was on the floor, all mangled, virtually unrecognizable, and except for the baby that was "half in and half out", all the other babies were missing. I went in to get DH, because when things like this happen, I absolutely hate dealing with the carnage, and he and Jim came out and got rid of the dead chicken and set a trap. Whatever it was must've just walked right in and helped themself to chicken dinner. The door was open...

I was lucky, though, because all of the older chickens that roost up high were fine. Later on in the night, Jim saw an opossum nosing around the trap, I'm sure that's the culprit. That would explain why the birds that were higher up were spared. DH tried to be interested, but he went inside.

I was really worried about the three chickens that live in a cage by themselves out there. I've called DH twice today to make sure they are ok, and he acts like it is such an imposition. He's laying in bed watching TV while his friend goes out and tries to protect my chickens. Something's still not right for sure.....I just hope that by the time the "new digs" are ready for the chickens, that we still have some to put in there.....

Epilogue: The rest of the babies apparently ran away when the opossum showed up (that is why Jim saw them "out and about" well after dark), so it appears that we have one dead chicken and one possibly seriously injured hen, but no other casualties as of this time. All the other missing babies were waiting at the door of the chicken house in the morning. DH said he would call me to let me know that all of the chickens are fine, but as usual, he hasn't called, and he is getting so angry with me for calling him, that I don't dare call again....

Is George Bush mentally ill? (Warning: Democratic slant)

Hmmm.... an interesting thought, isn't it??? And one that has been apparently considered by a number of people. It never really entered my frame of reference, despite my current life revolving around mental illness. I mean, how did he get to be president, if he's "not quite right"???

The thing that got me wondering about this was this article from CNN: Kucinich Questions Bush's mental health state over Iran. I happened to notice that, and questions started to pop into my mind.

I need to explain that while I tend to vote Democrat, I have never been someone to criticize the President. When Reagan was president, and even George W.'s father, I accepted that while their core beliefs probably weren't the same as mine, they would do their best to help the country and its citizens succeed. I have consistently tried to view the current administration in the same light and have found it impossible. I could go on a long rant about the things I vehemently disagree with, but I assume that after all this time, most of you have already formed your own opinions as to this issue. In a nutshell, when an educated (and presumedly powerful) person cannot pronounce the word "nuclear" correctly, it casts a shadow on everything else they do! (By the way, I strongly support the troops, just not the "reason" they are there. I don't think we can just up and end the war, there are too many things that are "half done", but I do think we should not have gone there in the first place, if you're wondering where I stand on that).

Anyhow, I started to try to examine Mr. Bush in terms of bipolar, and it just didn't fit. He doesn't seem to have the right symptoms. And I am not one to accept the fact that "Mr. Kucinich thinks he's crazy, so he must be, right?" I don't know much about Mr. Kucinich, truth be told. But it seemed like a logical explanation for a lot of things I don't understand. So I started to look into others who have been questioning Mr. Bush's mental state, and I found this:
Is George Bush insane?

And you know, it did make sense, even if it is a slightly outdated article.

And then I found this:
The neuropsychology of George W. Bush

And suddenly the whole "noo-kee-lar" thing was clear to me.

The only thing that doesn't make sense to me is why is he our president???? A person who won't or can't read??? Or write??? Who has all these things done for him so that he can have power???? I am postively flabbergasted. I don't know what to say. Like I said above, it had never even occurred to me that maybe there was more than just a person I don't particularly like, whose ideas I find repugnant. After reading a little, I am just stuck wondering what has become of our country, that enough people could vote for him, that he could be our leader? But then I didn't know either.

And who is really running the show, anyhow, if he isn't reading and isn't writing, and can't speak well?

Oh, and just for fun, and in case you still have doubt.....
Famous Bush Quotes

Ups and downs

I got home last night at about 9:30pm, I was just exhausted, and absolutely everything was making me angry. DH hadn't cleaned anything while I was gone, so there was a pile of dirty dishes, dirty laundry, and empty pet food bowls and full garbage, and although realistically, I don't expect him to do much, I got home and there he was, stretched across the bed (again as usual) watching TV. There was no place for me to lie down, and I got crabby. I was standing in the living room trying to decide what to do, as I hadn't slept in nearly 48 hours and absolutely needed to lie down, and DH came out of the bedroom and asked me what was wrong. (!) That in itself was shocking, because I can't remember the last time he did that, but when I told him I was really crabby, he told me that he was going to go in the living room and work on his bankruptcy forms and he turned on my reading lamp for me and told me to go to sleep and he'd stay in the other room so that I could sleep. I almost started crying, I was so surprised to have him be concerned about me and want to make me comfortable.

Then this morning when I woke up, I was still crabby, but not quite so bad. So when he told me that he had found one of the 20 dollar bills that I had stashed (he must have really been searching), and he had spent it on "munchies", I was mad about that. Why on earth, when all you have to your name is $40, would you go and buy cookies and candy and pop, instead of gas or something important.....I knew he wouldn't have any money left. He said he thought Jason was getting irritated with him never having money, so he felt like he had to buy some stuff. I wanted to say "if people are getting irritated with you for spending their money, why can't you just say something like 'well, I don't have any money, so I'll just make do with what we have at home--you just buy stuff for yourself.'" To me that would be easy. For him, apparently, it never even entered the realm of possibility. And so I realized that while things do seem better lately, he's still not thinking right....I'm trying to just focus on the positives.